New baby after SIL lost hers

[TrishMB]

Hi, first time poster here. My SIL and I were pregnant at the same time, sadly she lost her baby. When she lost her baby, DH and I were very respectful, not discussing our pregnancy, not posting any scans/updates into family Wattsapp group, except on the day she was born, didn’t post anything on social media etc.
Since then the MIL has shut us out, had family dinners without inviting us and ignoring our baby. She even refused to hold her at one stage. It’s now been 3 months since she seen us and our children and we had a very close relationship, she even childminded our kids during the week while we worked. She’s blaming grief but I’m finding that hard to accept as I feel it’s unfair she’s punishing us for having our baby. Ignoring our other children is also unfair. Am I being unreasonable to not be understanding?

We’re just very hurt that the MIL has missed out on the precious first few months of our new babies life and that’s she’s excluding us from family events, like she’s punishing us. She is quite a narcissist in general anyway so it would be like her to punish and be bitter. The SIL has 5 other children, ours is after multiple losses so I guess I am disappointed she’s not more happy for us
Im guessing you all have a pretty dodgy relationship from this update so this might not be the reason op

I think it’s absolutely shocking that a grandmother won’t hold her grandchild, and no longer sees her 2year old grand daughter. Personally, I’d leave her to it, and have minimal contact in the future, . I wouldn’t invest a huge amount of energy in the relationship, and I’d keep it very casual in the future.

i haven’t heard from her since Xmas

Have you messaged either of them? If my MIL messaged me every Sunday and stopped I'd be checking with her that everything was OK.
What has your DH said?

Has your dh asked mil directly what the actual problem is?

yes we asked, her response was she was grieving.

This is really shitty behaviour on behalf of your MIL. Just awful. Missing out on her grandkids lives!
You’ve both lost, as you said, so MIL has also lost grandchildren but that’s from both of you, and she should be supporting you both

so it’s both mil and sil?

you haven’t heard since christmas. did you spend christmas together? have you tried contacting sil?

Just to add, I’ve had a miscarriage and my daughter was stillborn a year later. If my MIL stopped talking to her daughter and other grandkids for months after we lost our baby, I’d tell her myself she was being weird !

SIL = understandable
MIL = ridiculous

I understand it may have hit her hard if this was her DD who lost her baby. But she is being ridiculous.

How many weeks was she when she lost the baby? And she has 6 other children?

I'm going to say that SIL isn't completely reasonable either actually - which I know is against the grain here.

Miscarriage is hard (yes I've experienced it) so I do really understand the emotions, but it's important to keep cohesion within the family too. I don't think that having a miscarriage gives people the right to completely cut other people off for months on end etc

But surely that was months ago? Why hadn't your DH raised it with his mother since? I don't understand why you'd be told she won't see your two year old because of grief and not have a conversation about that?

Does your SIL just not respond to messages now? Does she not speak to her brother at all?

i’d wager that the women in this family have had many a drama over the years

100% @mydrivingisterrible

Is this MIL or SIL?

I’m so sorry to hear that 😢
I think my SIL is in it with her if you know what I mean. There was a family dinner to “cheer her up” and everyone else was invited except us. This was when I was still pregnant.

Exactly. Ive been through it myself and then had to watch family and close friends have babies at the same time, yes it was hard but how could you not be happy for people you’re supposed to loved and care about?

14 weeks and this would have been her 6th, she has 5 already

turns out it’s both but not at all clear from the Op

I didn't mean explain to the 4 month old but you could say to the 2 year old that Nanny can't come round because she is sad at the moment. You could try and explain that she is sad because SIL baby died but a 2 year old probably wouldn't be able to understand that, although some might. I had a miscarriage when my ds2 was 3.5 and he went to the funeral but he didn't understand very much.

@TrishMB yes I know what you mean.
I think you may need to prepare yourself for a lifetime of shitty behaviour from them both. I couldn’t get past a grandmother ignoring her innocent grandchildren

😂😂 it actually is!! But yes, there is always drama in this family, and always caused by the MiL. She’s a narcissist for sure, and you wouldn’t believe half the things she’s done on her own kids and grandkids! She’s fallen out with everyone of her kids at once stage due to them not “doing what they’re told” 🙄

This is what I find really strange. Any loss is sad but it wasn’t a still birth, she hadn’t met the baby, it was a miscarriage and whilst sad, it would be odd for your MIL to be grieving for someone else’s miscarriage still? I’d just ignore her and the SIL.