To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

What is it all for? I can go where i want, when i want, with the freedom to move my career forward with no hold backs, for a start.

i earn well, i play well. i have horses i compete, cars i attend events and track days with, loads of friends and a DP with the same mindset and hobbies. We're living a great life! We have friends in our hobby circles in there 60's, 70's and 80's still enjoying an active life at the same events. We'll never be bored.

My brothers & I had an amazing childhood, wanted for nothing. i can't say one bad thing about how we were raised, our parents are amazing. BUT my mum said not too long ago that she HATED parenting. she found it so incredibly boring and easy. Was annoyed it stunted her career for a few years and she had to fight to not just be a mum, but to be an individual taken seriously in the workplace. She didn't find it amazing or life full-filling, to pretend all parents think that is narrowminded.

@nappyvalley2024 there is no point. There's no point to any of it, that is the point. We're all free to find our own purpose, our own point and to decide for ourselves what it's all for. I don't really understand why having children makes life any more (or less, I'm not intending to have a go) purposeful than not. Some of those children will die young, they'll all die eventually, some will be assholes, murderers, rapists, future Trumps, Putins. There is no inherent glory or good in reproducing.

nappyvalley2024 · Yesterday 12:36

If you don't have kids then what is the point, what is it all for? You can earn all the money in the world but surely all the holidays and spending gets boring once you've seen it all and done it all.

Having children is just one of the most amazing things. It's hard work and they do cost a lot, but so worth it.

what it’s all for is to be an individual who lives their life the way they want. In free societies, we no longer have to keep up appearances and pretend to be the same as everyone else. We can be gay, atheist, child-free, hold ‘male’ professions as a woman, hold ‘female’ professions as a man, and on and on.

having children may be amazing for those who want them, but it can be utter misery for those who don’t. And it is a misery you cannot ever escape from as a woman, unless you do a runner. And it also negatively affects the unwanted child(ren) for life.

even though parenthood should be entirely voluntary, there is a dangerous growing movement, often fueled by religious/political doctrine, to define women as mere incubators whose main/only purpose is procreation. Whether they want this or not. Thus, abortion bans and/or ridiculously low limits in many countries across the world. Your insistence that having children is amazing and worth it for everyone, just because it is amazing and worth it for you, is a huge part of the problem.

That’s certainly my experience as well, and especially when compared to those with children whose children move away from their parents as they grow up. Those empty nesters sometimes seem to get frustrated that their children aren’t around as much (which is a bit silly, as presumably you bring them up to be indépendant…) precisely because they haven’t got the breadth or depth of support network outside immediate family that those without children maintain and develop throughout their lives.

I think also those without children do tend to be able to maintain a wider range range of interests throughout their life as well, and so are, sometimes, a lot more interesting to talk to! Not always of course, but there’s only so much mileage in conversations about family… ;)

Not sure what the purpose of the OPs post is, given that everyone’s different, but it is easy when you spend 16/18/21/25 years inwardly focussed on family life to lose touch with what life is like for others.

I suspect the issue is also more one of disposable income than number of children - those with children and a high disposable income can continue their interests, pursuits and friendships, while those earning less struggle. But those with no children always have more disposable income than the equivalent person/couple without.

It is international women’s day.

I just watched an amazing interview with Jennifer Anniston who talked about the nasty comments she endured because she didn’t have children. And she pointed out that women were the authors of many of these comments.

i respect the hell out of women who have children. But it’s not something I have ever wanted. This thread has shown that the majority of women will support and respect that choice. But there is also a nasty, snidy underbelly in our own gender that will point to childfree women (never men) and crow about how lonely and pointless their lives are.

Let’s drown out the nasty, petty, narrow minded voices. We should lift each other up, not do each other down. It’s bloody hard enough without this nonsense.

awful, hateful thread OP. Just awful. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Of course not, because it's aimed solely at childfree women. We get that and worse thrown at us, as you'd know if you read the childfree boards here.

Edit for typo

Having children isn't a guarantee that they will always be around. They will have their own lives to lead.

I hope my DC will care what happens to me when I am elderly and infirm but it is not guaranteed. I work in a bereavements team and there are regularly estranged families.

Without children my only concern would be moving into a care home with no family to look after finances. When I worked in a bank one elderly couple had the bank as their trustees and quite frankly they were crap. Care home fees were paid but when the old lady was widowed nobody bothered about when she needed extras like a new nightie or a hair cut. In the end one of my colleagues who was also child free used to withdraw the cash and take it to her. She was the only visitor which made her sad and fearful for her own future.

My ex colleague has a lovely life, lots of interests, travel, cocktails and dogs. Her worry is when she physically can't do any of that and she is dependent on strangers. But it may never happen.

@Aintbaint Why do you think you've come across so differently in this thread then?

I love not having children. I'm in spain right now. I'm in my forties.

I always knew since I was a little girl that I didn't want children

I also started using mumsnet looking for advice when I was pregnant, but then lost my baby.

I'd assumed it was okay for me to still use it!

I’m really sorry for your loss 💐

@waitingforanotherrainbow

it absolutely is! You are so welcome 🤗

So when you wrote your offensive first post, you really did so thinking no childfree or childless people were here to explain their own lived experience? You didn't want any debate from actual DINKs or single people, you just wanted to slag us all off as lonely, tragic people with pointless lives?
FWIW I enjoy the just-for-the-mums lipstick reviews, penis beaker chat, house plant advice, deranged AIBU posts. Amazingly my tragic childfree status hasn't prevented me talking to The Mums about how Tu have surprisingly nice dresses.

As well as hoping the children aren’t being raised to be judgmental, let’s also hope for their sake they’re not infertile, don’t marry someone infertile and don’t choose to be childfree.

Proof that for SOME parents, having children destroys the ability to think clearly.

Can’t actually believe that this is still rumbling on

What!? You're the one that started the thread. 😂 You can't moan that it still continuing on. You've obviously started this thread just to drop a bomb and see how people react.

@Aintbaint You’re complaining about your own thread!?

She can't believe that most respondents aren't agreeing with her attitude and aren't hesitating to say so.

Yeah, but same old same old.

Happy Mother’s Day to you all! 😉

It was that before you even started the thread. It's nit exactly uncommon for parents to make sweeping judgements about and patronising comments to non parents.

Same old shit, different day 🤷‍♀️

@Aintbaint

what did you expect exactly?

that everyone would agree with you about those pesky frivolous child free people and their lack of life affirming purpose?

Well, that hasn’t happened it.

soz, hun!

I think the OP just had no idea that any non-parents would actually see the thread, much less argue back.