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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money obsessed husband

106 replies

Goldie678 · 05/03/2024 08:04

My partner has plenty of money, through savings/inheritance/hard work etc. Our finances are completely separate. We don't have a joint account or any joint names on anything. I work full time and earn my own money. I'm fine with this. My issue is that he is completely obsessed with money and making savings wherever possible. He talks about it endlessly and all the various savings accounts he has and what APR they are and all this stuff (to be honest I just switch off). It bleeds into every area of life, from not wanting the heating on when it's freezing, to eating cheap food or only things that have reduced stickers on. I buy all my own stuff. What annoys me is the comments I get for buying things that I've paid for with MY OWN MONEY. it makes me feel very guilty! We don't do anything simple together such as go for a coffee as he just moans about the cost and it ruins it. He has on occasion taken his own drinks to the pub and I find it excruciatingly embarrassing. I am not one for wasting money and I would completely understand if he was hard up but he isn't. I don't ask him for a penny for anything ever. Am I being unreasonable in this really being hard to live with? I liked his sensible attitude to money when we met but it seems to have turned into an obsession and I don't know what to do about it. I have tried to talk about it and find out what the cause is but it doesn't stop and I don't think he recognises it. I am not saying I expect to be blowing money all the time as I am quite frugal myself and don't need a lot, it's just a drain when someone asks you all the time what you have in your savings and why have you bought this/that etc. Its affected me in that I now feel guilty and question everything about what I spend and actually feel quite anxious about it all. It drives me mad.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/03/2024 08:06

He sounds miserable joy sucking to be around. Does he have any good points

Ewoklady · 05/03/2024 08:06

I think you need to spell it out to him that you will leave him unless he lays off the guilt tripping and boring behaviour. It’s just not attractive

foreverbasil · 05/03/2024 08:07

Well we are all watching our pennies but taken to that extreme and if he's well off it sounds like more of a mental health issue.

PaminaMozart · 05/03/2024 08:08

In what way is he your partner?
Do you own property together?
Are you planning to have children?
You are clearly incompatible as life partners.

Gassylady · 05/03/2024 08:13

Thata sounds awful to live with. Are you guys planning on having kids? If yes what would his reaction be to buying stuff for them, what about childcare costs? Would he be “willing” to split those fairly or will you be spending whilst he continues to save/hoard money. Im a saver too but honestly wish i had travelled more when younger ie had enjoyed the money more.
if he cannot see there is a problem and is not able to moderate his extremeness then i think id be splitting up.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/03/2024 08:14

Money is a tool not an end in itself. What is he saving for? If he is a member of the FIRE movement and plans to retire in 5 years that is one thing but if he is saving to manage unspecified anxiety about the future then there never will be enough.

I have frugal instincts but he is extreme. Money is supposed to facilitate your life not your life facilitate money.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 05/03/2024 08:16

You can't live like this. I'd end things personally.

He sounds like the kind of person who will be the richest man in the graveyard. You only get one life.

RoseNy · 05/03/2024 08:19

Years ago I was in a relationship with a guy like this. It literally sucked the enjoyment out of anything and left me walking on eggshells at home with fear of having the heating on, or accidentally spoiling food and creating waste - it was a miserable existence and I couldn't relax in my own home. I think you need to have a serious chat with a view to leaving if he doesn't understand how he is affecting you. I was mad quite unwell and anxious day to day for a long time before I got out.

Floopani · 05/03/2024 08:20

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/03/2024 08:14

Money is a tool not an end in itself. What is he saving for? If he is a member of the FIRE movement and plans to retire in 5 years that is one thing but if he is saving to manage unspecified anxiety about the future then there never will be enough.

I have frugal instincts but he is extreme. Money is supposed to facilitate your life not your life facilitate money.

Thank you for an excellent post from someone who does struggle with anxiety around money.

OP you do need to set a boundary around his input on how you spend/manage your money. As your finances are not combined, it doesn't concern him. Does he show anxiety or obsession in other areas or is it just money? Mine is GAD/ND, but I'm open to challenge and certainly go for a coffee. If he won't respect your boundaries and does not want to change or talk through his thoughts with you, then I think you should end it.

Sunshineandpinkclouds · 05/03/2024 08:21

Someone I know is like this - has been for years. In a v high earning job but says he can't afford to move house or extend so they live in a less than ideal home, will take the kids skiing one day (too expensive this year, last year etc etc - even though kids are now teens so when will that day arrive?). It's like life is on hold as they won't spend any money.

I think you either accept him as he is or part ways, sorry.

ThirdStorm · 05/03/2024 08:21

I must admit I love a bargain, takes me ages to make a decision on a big purchase and yes I get thrilled when I can put away some savings. I was angry for days after buying popcorn at the cinema and realising how expensive it was! Occasionally I take it too far and thankfully a family member will point it out! It feels like you need to explain how you feel. I agree that taking drinks to pubs, not going out for a coffee because of the expense is unnecessary and that's where he needs to change his behaviour - 'think it but don't say it'!

zaxxon · 05/03/2024 08:27

That sounds awful and so hard to live with. Sorry you are going through it.

Ultimately, I suspect that your DP's feelings around money are rooted in fear. Having money makes him feel safe; losing money (i.e. spending it) makes him feel vulnerable.

He needs to get to the bottom of why he's so anxious and needs this safety cushion so badly. It's not necessarily to do with anything financial - it could have something to do with how he was parented himself as a child.

Does he recognise that his attitude is a problem? Would he consider therapy?

Stopwiththedamnrain · 05/03/2024 08:29

We have a relative like this and tbh we dont understand why his partner is still with him as he sucks the joy out of their lives worrying about money (they have more income/savings than they can ever spend following a small inheritance and both have good jobs). He's getting worse as he's gets older and character traits embed and accentuate. His overwhelming need for control supercedes everything. They never had DC as he read somewhere how much they would cost to raise! The COL crisis has made him even worse as well - we joke that moths come out of his wallet, not his credit card! Sadly their social life is almost zero as he refuses to go anywhere where he might have to spend money.

The love of money is the root of all evil.

AhBiscuits · 05/03/2024 08:30

Sounds shit. How is with holidays?
I don't think I'd be happy if DH objected to splashing out on fun things from time to time.

RandyDog · 05/03/2024 08:31

It is awful,I wouldn't like this but how did you get this far with him when you view life and money so differently?
Or is this recent obsession?

blankittyblank · 05/03/2024 08:33

My dad was like this. Wasn't so bad it was my dad and we laugh at him/ignore him, but it's so joyless! He never found the fun in anything as it would come down to a waste of money. It's so boring. Honestly I couldn't stand my partner to be like this.

blankittyblank · 05/03/2024 08:35

zaxxon · 05/03/2024 08:27

That sounds awful and so hard to live with. Sorry you are going through it.

Ultimately, I suspect that your DP's feelings around money are rooted in fear. Having money makes him feel safe; losing money (i.e. spending it) makes him feel vulnerable.

He needs to get to the bottom of why he's so anxious and needs this safety cushion so badly. It's not necessarily to do with anything financial - it could have something to do with how he was parented himself as a child.

Does he recognise that his attitude is a problem? Would he consider therapy?

Actually I was very dismissive of how annoying my dad was, but you're totally right. It's obviously a psychological thing which needs addressing.

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 05/03/2024 08:36

The most expensive thing that man could ever do is get divorced.

Maybe it's time to remind him of that.

Unhappy women divorce their husbands and he's not making you happy, so does he realise he'll lose 50% of everything he has if he doesn't change?

Jennalong · 05/03/2024 08:40

Could you sit him down and ask what he is saving for ?

What is it about the money that he sees will improve his life in the future rather than it improving his life now ?

Money is great to have as a nest egg / rainy day etc but not if it has an impact on his way of life in the here and now.

Could it be due to a deep seated fear of being broke, did his family struggle as a child ?

It could also be said , his money , his choice although of course that impacts you as you are not having the life you envisioned.

DaphneHendersonChorley · 05/03/2024 08:40

I couldn't spend another day with such a miserly bore.

People like this suck the joy out of everything.

I don't really have any advice OP, but YANBU, and I would be seriously looking at the kind of future that lay ahead for me with such a money obsessed person.

nzeire · 05/03/2024 08:51

How unattractive

HeraSyndulla · 05/03/2024 08:51

foreverbasil · 05/03/2024 08:07

Well we are all watching our pennies but taken to that extreme and if he's well off it sounds like more of a mental health issue.

Quite possibly. Hyperfixation is most often associated with ADHD, but it can be a symptom of several different mental health conditions, including: Autism spectrum disorders (ASD) Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or even Schizophrenia ( rare ).

TallulahBetty · 05/03/2024 08:53

Husband or partner? This is crucial - do not have kids with this man without marriage.

Toomanyemails · 05/03/2024 08:56

My partner and I had a phase of this sort of extreme frugality. It was slightly different as we were both on board, though he spearheaded it, but it got absolutely miserable and ended up affecting our MH - we were so anxious when we were in the fortunate position of not really needing to be. In our case as PP said it was due to underlying anxieties - money was something we felt we could control. Actually what snapped us both out of it was Covid and house prices rising, and realising we weren't in total control. Suddenly our savings were negated by the increase in what we were saving for, and we realised all we can do is our best and enjoy life!

Can you agree to sit down and go through your budgets and numbers, decide on savings goals you're working towards as a couple and how to reach those, and then agree a certain % of your income that is guilt-free fun money? I get that you have separate finances, but if you each do this, he can choose to save his fun money if he wants and you can spend it on coffees. You may also need to work on any issues that are at the root of this, eg if he grew up in a household with financial anxiety. And you can work on other ways to increase your income that aren't about sacrificing joy, for example saving on your bills/subscriptions if you can.

Re bringing drinks to the pub, tell him he needs to either say no to occasions where he's not happy to spend (even if he gets a cheaper drink than others, and makes it clear he's saving and won't participate in rounds) or otherwise factor it into his budget. I don't mind friends opting out of rounds or getting cheaper drinks/meals (and do this myself) but I have 1 friend who will only consume tap water just because they're doing FIRE, and I wish they'd only suggest/accept invites to free activities. It's unfair on the others in the group and also on the business.

3luckystars · 05/03/2024 08:58

It sounds like he is getting worse as time goes on. Your future is not looking rosy if this doesn’t change.

Do you think you can get through to him?
Have you ever been able to communicate with him previously
where he took in what you were saying? What technique did you use?

i don’t envy you.