Money obsessed husband

[Goldie678]

My partner has plenty of money, through savings/inheritance/hard work etc. Our finances are completely separate. We don't have a joint account or any joint names on anything. I work full time and earn my own money. I'm fine with this. My issue is that he is completely obsessed with money and making savings wherever possible. He talks about it endlessly and all the various savings accounts he has and what APR they are and all this stuff (to be honest I just switch off). It bleeds into every area of life, from not wanting the heating on when it's freezing, to eating cheap food or only things that have reduced stickers on. I buy all my own stuff. What annoys me is the comments I get for buying things that I've paid for with MY OWN MONEY. it makes me feel very guilty! We don't do anything simple together such as go for a coffee as he just moans about the cost and it ruins it. He has on occasion taken his own drinks to the pub and I find it excruciatingly embarrassing. I am not one for wasting money and I would completely understand if he was hard up but he isn't. I don't ask him for a penny for anything ever. Am I being unreasonable in this really being hard to live with? I liked his sensible attitude to money when we met but it seems to have turned into an obsession and I don't know what to do about it. I have tried to talk about it and find out what the cause is but it doesn't stop and I don't think he recognises it. I am not saying I expect to be blowing money all the time as I am quite frugal myself and don't need a lot, it's just a drain when someone asks you all the time what you have in your savings and why have you bought this/that etc. Its affected me in that I now feel guilty and question everything about what I spend and actually feel quite anxious about it all. It drives me mad.

We are a frugal family, but I couldn't live like this, he's gone way past being OK and is sucking the joy from life.

I lived with my ex partner for 7 years and he was exactly the same.
In the end I had bad anxiety and used to make excuses to family and friends about various things and the way I was.
We would go out for a drink together and he would tot up my bill then "suggest " I paid him for it...as wine was dearer than wine...This was the iceberg tip...

I had no option but to leave when my daughter made me face it full on.

Don't let this happen to you.x

Every penny's a prisoner!!

Well, as someone who left a marriage of 10 years last year after 18 years together, separate accounts and similar tightness I would say be very careful about your future.

I earn less for years but still paid HALF of everything regardless. I have walked away with nothing. I have now been promoted and am just getting by alone, but if a man is so obsessed again I would stay well clear.

I'm another one who had a DP like this. Fortunately we didn't live together because it was quite extreme. Couldn't go out for coffee because 'look at the prices, cheeky fuckers, can have it for nothing at home' took all the pleasure out of days out, and the way he'd stand back and let me pay for things. I don't mind 'careful' with money, I have to be careful myself, not having unlimited funds. But when they tell you about all the shares they've got and how they are buying themselves a new car outright, but won't buy a coffee and a bun when out - well..

Get out now. OP. This doesn't get better. And it doesn't matter why he's like this, the fact that he is should be enough.

@PaminaMozart is right. He sounds like a miserable and annoying room mate

My dh used to be like this, but has mellowed over the years. We are pretty frugal, but enjoy a splurge. He also doesn't make snippy comments, unlike my in laws who are next level frugal and therefore suck all joy out of life.

My last boyfriend before this was a total spendthrift and was up to his eyes in debt. I prefer them frugal!

Did he grow up in poverty?
This can lead to a lifetime fearing a return to it.

Has he always had money? I worked with someone like this. They had grown up quite poor and had very little. They worked their way up and had a good career as did their partner. They lived in a million pound house! But the person was absolutely terrified of losing it all and being poor again. All they talked about was money. It was quite sad because they didn't really enjoy the money or use it and last I heard one of them had had a heart attack. I could be wrong but might be his basis of worrying about it so much.

Hi 👋
I get you. What you have written is basically me and my DH. Albeit, we are both on the same page to a degree.
We are incredibly driven to be financially secure and we have achieved a lot by doing so.
Could I ask, did your DH have a difficult upbringing where money was sparse and he lacked on having money readily available? Did something happen where a previous partner took/stole/controlled finances? These are all relative to my husband's reasons for being "tight".
Mine are more because I want to have a financially secure future.
He winds me up sometimes with being so frugal, but I do understand his reasons, he grew up with very little and then his ex wife screwed him over for thousands whist together. He does question my spending occasionally and it drives me up the wall, all because I'm not a spendthrift and I'm NOT his ex wife.

Please do not have kids with this man. In fact, please do not spend another day with him.

Wooooowww...

Your finances are separate... when he gets nosy with 'your' money, and tries to make you feel guilty, I'd be telling him... 'It's none of your business...' bug**r off...

You are unhappy and don't know what to do about it... girl, kick his sorry a$$ (haha, that's very appropriate 🤣) to the curb and find a more mentally stable bloke... 💕

Good point.

Exactly... 👍

I think the landlords of the pubs would be interested that he's not buying drinks.
Ask him how he thinks they make a living if they don't sell drinks?
Ask him if he owner a pub would he like people bringing their own drinks in?

Why do you put up with this? Voluntarily choose to live like this?

Get out asap. It's a form of emotional abuse and gaslighting...where you begin to doubt everything about yourself. Buy him a monopoly board (brand new) as a goodbye present!

He takes his own drinks to the pub??? I can’t even imagine the mindset.

My grandad was tight all his life like this, he’d only buy yellow sticker food, he’d never buy anything that wasn’t absolutely necessary, never had the heating on, all he talked about was money and how much anything cost. Sadly whenever anyone reminisces about him now it’s about how ridiculously tight he was. And all that money he saved up got spent by my mum within a couple of years after he died.

I couldn't live like that, you have one life and you can't take money with you. My philosophy is : it cost x amount, did I get x amount of pleasure from it ? If yes then great ie what's the point in eating cheap food if the dates costs x and I love it x amount and look forward to it and think about it afterwards then it's money we'll spent.What's the point in eating something cheaper you don't look forward to, don't particularly find enjoyable while eating and don't enjoy the memory / experience after? No joy in life

Or he could just be a tight git.

This 100%! Standing back to let me pay. When we went food shopping he would wander away leaving me to pack and pay 😫

He sounds awful. Leave Scrooge McDuck to count his pennies and go and live your life free and happy.

Taken his own drinks to the pub? That is a sign of unnatural scroogeness.
I mean we did that as students smuggling bottles into the SU but couldn’t comprehend doing it as a grown up. Jesus wept. Unless he’s an amazing partner in all other areas of life, I’d reconsider being with him. Maybe a bloke who buys you drinks in the pub, rather than sits there with his thermos.

I really have to agree with this, and you're better than this OP.

no advice, but I’m following as my DH is very similar…