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Original poster

Money obsessed husband

106 replies

Goldie678 · 05/03/2024 08:04

My partner has plenty of money, through savings/inheritance/hard work etc. Our finances are completely separate. We don't have a joint account or any joint names on anything. I work full time and earn my own money. I'm fine with this. My issue is that he is completely obsessed with money and making savings wherever possible. He talks about it endlessly and all the various savings accounts he has and what APR they are and all this stuff (to be honest I just switch off). It bleeds into every area of life, from not wanting the heating on when it's freezing, to eating cheap food or only things that have reduced stickers on. I buy all my own stuff. What annoys me is the comments I get for buying things that I've paid for with MY OWN MONEY. it makes me feel very guilty! We don't do anything simple together such as go for a coffee as he just moans about the cost and it ruins it. He has on occasion taken his own drinks to the pub and I find it excruciatingly embarrassing. I am not one for wasting money and I would completely understand if he was hard up but he isn't. I don't ask him for a penny for anything ever. Am I being unreasonable in this really being hard to live with? I liked his sensible attitude to money when we met but it seems to have turned into an obsession and I don't know what to do about it. I have tried to talk about it and find out what the cause is but it doesn't stop and I don't think he recognises it. I am not saying I expect to be blowing money all the time as I am quite frugal myself and don't need a lot, it's just a drain when someone asks you all the time what you have in your savings and why have you bought this/that etc. Its affected me in that I now feel guilty and question everything about what I spend and actually feel quite anxious about it all. It drives me mad.

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 05/03/2024 13:31

life is for living

money is for spending (within reason). if you can't enjoy the fruits of your own hard work, what's the point

get rid of the tightarse

what's slightly annoying now will become unbearable once kids are in the picture

Floofydawg · 05/03/2024 13:56

This is my ex husband to a tee. One of the many many reasons he's now an ex. I hope to god we're not talking about the same person.

rookiemere · 05/03/2024 14:21

ColadhSamh · 05/03/2024 12:43

When will he have enough and start enjoying all his savings?
He can't bring it with him in the coffin or to the grave. Who stands to.inherit? They will have a great time enjoying his money.
A friend whose husband saved every penny and wouldn't let her spend is now having a ball. He died fairly young and left her very well off. She has spent a fortune already and has plenty left. She has had a complete makeover done on her house, top.of the range car and regular holidays.

This is my aunt.
Duncle wasn't a bad man, but he was rather fond of guarding his purse. Daunt is a wonderful woman and has had some great trips since he has passed away - not necessarily extravagant but to far flung parts of the world.

Patrickiscrazy · 05/03/2024 14:22

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 05/03/2024 08:16

You can't live like this. I'd end things personally.

He sounds like the kind of person who will be the richest man in the graveyard. You only get one life.

That's very good. Personally I had to train my husband of 20 years to gradually drop similar attitude.
Our finances are not separate, we are very lucky, husband has always been extremely careful with money.
He mellowed as he got older. Has other redeeming attributes. 😊

savethatkitty · 05/03/2024 14:23

I have the ick just reading your post.

HectorPlasm · 05/03/2024 14:25

People with long pockets and short arms can suck the joy out of literally anything - bit different if you are on the breadline but this doesn't sound like that!

nimski · 05/03/2024 14:26

He needs therapy, I'd have left the day he TOOK HIS OWN DRINKS TO THE PUB!!!
Don't ever have children with this man.

HectorPlasm · 05/03/2024 14:27

Or as Eric Morecambe used to put it:

He's got moths in his wallet that haven't learnt to fly yet

WaltzingWaters · 05/03/2024 14:29

Life is too short. Leave him and enjoy yourself!

potato57 · 05/03/2024 14:30

RoseNy · 05/03/2024 11:44

@zaxxon

Exactly. Everyone's saying "he's greedy, he's obsessed" etc, but I think you've got to recognise that this is not really about money.

I don't have to recognise your opinion though. I am allowed to think it is indeed about money. You are welcome to think otherwise.

He has taken all his anxieties and deflected them onto his bank balance, because it's too painful and scary to feel those feelings about the things he's actually anxious about.

Awww poor wee soldier

You don't know someone's situation.

My sister is very similar, and it's because our family lost everything in the 2008 financial crash. We ended up homeless, because my dad turned abusive and started drinking because of all the money worries. She was at an age where it panicked her and she never felt secure or trusted anything or anyone when it came to money. Every day she'd come home from school and they'd sold something of hers. Her and my mum ended up in a retreat for abused women. Her quality of life declined and declined to the point where she started stealing food because she was so worried about having nothing.

She has her own house now, but she won't spend a penny extra than she has to. She's obsessive about accounts and distrusting if her partner spends money because our parents hid their debts from each other, one had spent £20k on catalogues and payday loans, one was £500k in debt from the property market crash and still has a tax bill outstanding for more than that even this length of time on. Bailiffs called up and knocked on the door all the time. Our parents still ask us for money now. She worries about losing her home even though she's never missed a payment.

That kind of thing sticks with you. So it's not always a "poor diddums" situation.

BobbyBiscuits · 05/03/2024 14:31

He's apallingly tight and fetishises accumulating money. For what means though? I doubt he's leaving you anything in his will.

Tell him you will not accept being told how to spend your own money. If he wants, you can tell him how to spend his, but that will undoubtedly not work.

He seems really controlling of both his own finances, and encroaching on yours. It sounds like you will have to hide purchases from him? Is that how you want to live?

RoseNy · 05/03/2024 14:32

@potato57

You don't know someone's situation.

You are right, I don't. Neither does the poster I was responding to.

Sharptonguedwoman · 05/03/2024 14:33

ThirdStorm · 05/03/2024 08:21

I must admit I love a bargain, takes me ages to make a decision on a big purchase and yes I get thrilled when I can put away some savings. I was angry for days after buying popcorn at the cinema and realising how expensive it was! Occasionally I take it too far and thankfully a family member will point it out! It feels like you need to explain how you feel. I agree that taking drinks to pubs, not going out for a coffee because of the expense is unnecessary and that's where he needs to change his behaviour - 'think it but don't say it'!

Angry over popcorn? We can all laugh at our own foibles but perspective is all. Move on.

Crunchymum · 05/03/2024 14:34

DH or partner @Goldie678 ?

potato57 · 05/03/2024 14:34

RoseNy · 05/03/2024 14:32

@potato57

You don't know someone's situation.

You are right, I don't. Neither does the poster I was responding to.

In which case, you're far too quick to judge. Hence my point.

Topjoe19 · 05/03/2024 14:35

Why are you with such a scrooge? He sounds so joyless.

gerteddy · 05/03/2024 14:58

Life is too short to be with a fun sponge like him. Honestly I'd be making a plan to get out.

I absolutely hate someone that is tight especially when they have plenty! Anyone I've known like that only gets worse as they get older!

If u can't get in the same page with finances then it just doesn't work, get out now and enjoy ur life without being scrutinised over every penny (of ur own money) ur spending!

RoseNy · 05/03/2024 15:12

@potato57

In which case, you're far too quick to judge. Hence my point.

Every single poster makes a judgement based on OP information. In every thread on this forum and thousands of other forums daily.

Workawayxx · 05/03/2024 15:13

Whatever his reasons, what kind of life will it be to never enjoy a coffee out with your partner, presumably no holidays, meals out, cinema trips. Just watching money build up and guilt tripping you for small spending. I'd throw this one back.

KreedKafer · 05/03/2024 15:29

He has on occasion taken his own drinks to the pub

He deserves to get barred from every pub in town if that's how he behaves. I've worked in many different pubs and bars in my time and sneaking your own booze in really is considered the lowest of the low and definitely something you'd be barred for if caught. If he wants to drink the booze he buys at the supermarket, he can do that at home, not in the bloody pub.

Anyway. That alone would have been a dumping offence for me, but in combination with the other penny-pinching miserable bullshit, he sounds like the least attractive man in the world. Instant ick factor.

KreedKafer · 05/03/2024 15:38

potato57 · 05/03/2024 14:30

You don't know someone's situation.

My sister is very similar, and it's because our family lost everything in the 2008 financial crash. We ended up homeless, because my dad turned abusive and started drinking because of all the money worries. She was at an age where it panicked her and she never felt secure or trusted anything or anyone when it came to money. Every day she'd come home from school and they'd sold something of hers. Her and my mum ended up in a retreat for abused women. Her quality of life declined and declined to the point where she started stealing food because she was so worried about having nothing.

She has her own house now, but she won't spend a penny extra than she has to. She's obsessive about accounts and distrusting if her partner spends money because our parents hid their debts from each other, one had spent £20k on catalogues and payday loans, one was £500k in debt from the property market crash and still has a tax bill outstanding for more than that even this length of time on. Bailiffs called up and knocked on the door all the time. Our parents still ask us for money now. She worries about losing her home even though she's never missed a payment.

That kind of thing sticks with you. So it's not always a "poor diddums" situation.

Show quote history

This might explain someone's behaviour, but in no way does it excuse it.

If an obsession is causing issues to the extent where it's negatively affecting a partner, it's a problem, regardless of the backstory, and the person with the obsession needs to recognise that this is their problem to manage and that it doesn't make it acceptable to impose it on anyone else.

Your sister's traumatic experiences with money are unfortunate and were obviously upsetting for her, but that really doesn't mean it's OK for her to obsess over/control/mistrust her partner's spending/access to funds. And neither is it OK for the OP's partner to criticise HER spending of HER OWN MONEY, or for him to try to scam local pubs by sneaking his own drinks in, whether his penny-pinching is rooted in past trauma or whether he's simply a tight bastard.

zaxxon · 05/03/2024 15:54

Agreed - I think his behaviour is awful, and I hope he gets kicked to the kerb. When I said earlier that there was more to it than pure miserliness, I was just trying to shed some light on a painful situation, not to excuse him. This guy sounds thoroughly screwed up.

gmgnts · 05/03/2024 16:28
Monkey Scrooge GIF

He took his own drinks to the pub??? That is beyond extreme. I think you should carefully consider your future with such a miser.

XlemonX · 05/03/2024 16:33

My dad was like that! But in his defense it was all due to saving up for a house with smaller mortgage. However it made my early childhood so miserable.
He made me determined to make sure i dont end up with a man like him. Its ok to have frugal instinct but not be om extreme and a joykiller!!

Sanabria2 · 05/03/2024 18:41

Did he grow up on in poverty OP?
Lots of people who grew up in poverty can become like this due to deep rooted anxiety.