To not be happy about him going..

[FantasticUnicorn]

I'm a very nervous traveller. I have a fear of flying and don't like being away from home.

My partners family are going to Mexico. I'm NC with them due to reasons I won't go into. They've invited us (although we'd have to pay)
I said no thank you - it's a 9 hour flight and I couldn't think of anything more anxiety inducing or stressful with our 2 under 3 year old children, with people I haven't spoken to for years.

DH still wants to go. It's nearly 2k. AIBU for being a bit upset? I can't stop him but for that money we could have loads of UK holidays or even a family holiday to somewhere more near hand. I wouldn't stop him going but I kind of feel it's a bit of a fuck you, I'm going anyway.

Can't believe you're still with him tbh. I'd have nothing to do with any of them

Your update gives a totally different perspective on the situation. Why would anyone want to go on holiday with people who treated you like that?! It’s nothing to do with you not wanting to fly. Totally separate issue. It sounds like you have let him take the DC abroad to visit his family anyway so you aren’t restricting their choices that way. £2k is a huge amount for one member of the family to sue leaving the others behind. Obviously if affordable fair enough but you said no family holiday and no house improvements like nee carpet which is needed. If he really wants to go (sounds like piss up hokiday with his family!) then let him and use to time to get yourself sorted legally for divorce. From what I understand you e only been back together a year after a years split and he’s already showing his true colours to you. Leave him and enjoy your children in peace.

From reading the updates I think the far bigger issue is your partner before you get to how awful his family are. How are you even with him? I’d WALK round the world just to get away from him tbh.

@GuttingHouse2024 Yes I'm trying to think, we got back together the Christmas before last. I really only went back as my mum has an alcohol addiction and it was quite difficult to live with her, and I had no where else to go. I originally moved back as my name was on the mortgage so I said I have just as much right to stay here as you do, and then he said he had changed, how sorry he was, how he realised what he had lost etc. he'd been mostly quite nice to me but maybe is starting to show his true colours.

I am an anxious flyer and I'm not one to want to go to any "exotic" locations even if it was the 4 of us. But I would be willing to take baby step flights to Spain, even Greece etc if he really wanted to as a family of 4.

But 9 hours away with these people is my idea of hell. They are all big drinkers so it would just be a massive piss up with me left alone trying to settle the children in a strange place in the heat.

I don't stop him going to visit them abroad with the children (well he's only taken the eldest he said he couldn't manage with them both) and I don't stop him going places. I just feel this is a lot of money to in essence just tag along on someone else's holiday.

Its not just a tag along on someone else's holiday though - its his family... that you don't have any contact with (rightly so - they sound awful), but he still needs to have contact with his family, this holiday he takes the kids and they get to enjoy the holiday and see the fam too. I wouldn't be entertaining him going alone... that's definitely not on. Also he needs to be doing some overtime or something where he is cutting back and saving up to at least put some extra funds in.

YABVU.

Your issues with his family (justified or not) are your issues. Clearly, he still wants a relationship with them and that is his choice. I'd never dictate or expect my DP to cut ties with his family, even if I had.

The trouble is, based on your original post (and I understand there are other reasons you don't want to go as well) -just taking your fear of flying and unwillingness to go any further than Spain (and that's at a push-I imagine it'd be kicking and screaming) it makes it seem like he'd never get to go anywhere further than Spain.

Turn it around. If your DH had a fear of flying and refused to travel further than Spain, but your family (who your DH doesn't speak to) invited you on a trip to Mexico, wouldn't you want to go along too? Mexico is amazing and far better than Spain and it's not that fair that he'd miss out on that because you don't want to go.

Is everything all about you ? Let the man have a life. Maybe he misses his family, have you ever thought of his feelings. Maybe he wants to travel and is fed up being trapped by your fears.

@clairelouwho I don't stop him seeing his family. If he wanted to clear off and stay with them in Cyprus where they live for 6 months I wouldn't care less. I'd be glad to be rid of him. He goes and stays with them every year. He spend Christmas with them and me and DC stayed home.

It's hard to imagine as my family includes my dad and my mother who has alcohol issues and has only ever done Spain/Greece package holidays. My sister died so my family starts and ends with my mum and dad, and a trip to Mexico would never enter our heads. It sounds like the type of place that is dangerous to leave your resort after a certain time of night in some places, with a high incidence of food poisoning.. no thank you.

But yes I can see why he would want to go if his family is going and it appeals to him. I just feel he's spending a lot of family money which we don't have a lot of, for something on his own. He could've travelled before children or when they are older.

His brother isn't going for the same reason, they don't have much money and they have young kids. They straight away said thank you but no thank you.

YABU. I hated skiing, my husband was a brilliant skier. Would have been completely unreasonable to say no, because I don’t like it you can’t go with friends/family. We then all had a holiday together.

He's disabled now, hasn’t been able to ski for 25 years. I’m so glad he had those experiences.

This is such a confused message, on the one hand you don't want him at home.

The other you don't want him to go.

It's too far, for one reason.

It's dangerous after a certain time of night.

You get food poisoning?

I think the answer is to separate!

Not really in our house at least. The bulk off our earnings goes into our joint account and that is used for life and fun stuff for us all. Days out, holidays, activities I do with my daughter on our days off. Renovations for the house 95+% of our transactions go through this account. The only things we pay for separately are presents for our respective families and going out individually or presents for ourselves. The joint money which isn't quite equally contributed as I earn slightly less is about what is best for all of us. We are mindful that one person's needs don't mean that we would then struggle. £2k on a holiday is a lot of money if you are going to be an anxious mess and with people you don't want to spend time with. We make a conscious effort to spend our money being compassionate to the needs of everyone. Both of us would be very annoyed if the other was committing £2k of family money to something that would be unnecessarily stressful.

My parents and my in laws always did the same. One pot of money for the benefit of everyone in the house. The default is to find an option that doesn't negatively impact any individual person. No one person can unilaterally spend collective money. It's not about control it's about mutual respect

Just to also say we regularly go on holidays with one anothers parents but every time there is a discussion about whether the other party is happy to spend that amount of time with the in laws and in the specific circumstances.

After those updates, I’d be happy to get rid of him for a couple of weeks, what a miserable situation.

Honestly, I wouldn’t think about new carpets, I’d use those two weeks to see a solicitor and start getting your ducks in a row for divorcing him. 💐

@FantasticUnicorn thats horrendous, I don’t blame you one bit in this case.

Tough one OP but based on what you said, I agree with you about him being completely unsupportive. Context is everything!

I absolutely agree your in laws are toxic. But the irrational fear of travel you really need to speak to someone.

You are focusing on the wrong thing, your marriage is over. You should be focusing on getting out permanently, the contempt you and your H have for each other is toxic and really isn’t fair on your children to grow up in a toxic environment.

Totally agree with this. OP if you'd be happier for him to stay with his parents for six months at a time and they, and he, are so incredibly toxic, perhaps you should consider splitting completely and divorce him. Thank goodness you've got your parents home to fall back on whilst you sort out the sale of the house and everything else involved in divorce. Take discreet legal advice if you decide to go this route and keep your plans to yourself until you've done your research on how you'd manage financially. It doesn't sound as you have any future with him, apart from coparenting your children. 🌹

@FantasticUnicorn

Your husband & his family sound VILE! Utterly & completely. Surely you'd be better off out of the whole thing? How dare they treat you like they did & have so little regard for their grandchild's health & worse, how dare your husband egg them on?! That would have been an instant marriage ender for me.

Of course you don't want to spend your precious savings on a pissed up holiday with these horrid people where you'll have to look after 2 very small children, by yourself, 24:7, in extreme heat. Why would you?

Whether your selfish prick of a husband goes or not, the real question is, are you prepared to put up with this shit for the next however many years?

No you are not being unreasonable! It's like asking someone with arachnophobia to hold a load of spiders to please them. There are literally thousands of holiday destinations closer to home that require either no flights to get to, or much shorter ones. Your psychological well-being should be respected and you should becable to have a fun family holiday that doesn't begin and end with anxiety.