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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy about him going..

118 replies

FantasticUnicorn · 04/03/2024 20:56

I'm a very nervous traveller. I have a fear of flying and don't like being away from home.

My partners family are going to Mexico. I'm NC with them due to reasons I won't go into. They've invited us (although we'd have to pay)
I said no thank you - it's a 9 hour flight and I couldn't think of anything more anxiety inducing or stressful with our 2 under 3 year old children, with people I haven't spoken to for years.

DH still wants to go. It's nearly 2k. AIBU for being a bit upset? I can't stop him but for that money we could have loads of UK holidays or even a family holiday to somewhere more near hand. I wouldn't stop him going but I kind of feel it's a bit of a fuck you, I'm going anyway.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 04/03/2024 22:34

So because you don’t want to go and wouldn’t enjoy it, your dh should just agree. No man would ever stop me taking up an opportunity to travel. Mexico is beautiful. Don’t put your anxiety on to others, that’s really selfish and unfair.

Thinking about this, I dumped a guy when I was 19 because he got homesick if he left the UK. I knew the relationship was over there and then. He was 26. Guess it’s a deal breaker for me.

Bloom15 · 04/03/2024 22:44

YABU and pretty selfish to be sulking about him wanting to go

2024Melanie · 04/03/2024 23:08

Crikey, 9hrs stuck on a plane with toddlers…. I dont blame you! I do think he should still go. Its a one off and hes seeing his family

KomodoOhno · 05/03/2024 00:12

Have you thought about maybe some therapy for your travel anxiety? It's unfair to limit your family or worse pass your feels on to your children

Rocknrolla21 · 05/03/2024 00:21

What’s the difference between France and Mexico? Except one’s a shit holiday and the other ones amazing and with his family? I’m not misogynistic at all, but why do these decisions always seem to come down to the mum? If it was my partner telling me im only allowed to take the kids to spain and not allowed to see the family, he’d be told to get to fuck

Aquamarine1029 · 05/03/2024 00:26

I'm NC with them due to reasons I won't go into.

I'm guessing these reasons were quite significant, and that your feelings of resentment stem from him essentially picking his family, whom you don't like and were perhaps abusive, over you.

TrainsPlanesAutos · 05/03/2024 00:36

Sounds like the 2k isn’t the problem. You don’t want to be left out. It could be a free trip and you’d still be mad bc you’re being left out. Traveling doesn’t have to be a stressful nightmare. Get some Xanax from your doctor and go have a nice trip with your family.

GrumpyPanda · 05/03/2024 00:41

Finding these opinions quite bizarre. It's not a trip to visit family, nor are rhey being offered a freebie - partner's family are simply proposing OP and her DP tag along on their own planned trip. How is that an "opportunity" in any way, shape or form? From the vantage point of OP and her family, it's one option for a holiday that's competing with other options.

OP is not BU not to want to fly long-distance with toddlers. Whether her DP is BU would depend on a number of factors:

  • do OP and DP make a habit of holidaying separately?
  • are they in a position (money and leave days-wise) to afford separate holidays for both OP and DP, plus a joint family holiday?
  • does whoever goes to holiday separately also take the kids along, or is the other partner needed for childcare?

Unless all of those apply, DP would be U to swan off and monopolize family money and time. Mexico is an interesting destination, but surely one better enjoyed with older kids.

GrumpyPanda · 05/03/2024 00:46

Rocknrolla21 · 05/03/2024 00:21

What’s the difference between France and Mexico? Except one’s a shit holiday and the other ones amazing and with his family? I’m not misogynistic at all, but why do these decisions always seem to come down to the mum? If it was my partner telling me im only allowed to take the kids to spain and not allowed to see the family, he’d be told to get to fuck

Even more bizarre comment. Surely in a good partnership, decisions on holiday destinations are taken mutually? OP dislikes the Mexico proposal for a number of reasons. Doesn't mean DP has to meekly accept her idea of a UK holiday instead if he in his turn hates it. Maybe they can settle on Italy or Spain instead?

sanityisamyth · 05/03/2024 00:50

I thought you were talking about a child from the thread title. You cannot stop a grown adult!!

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2024 00:53

Well I don't think yabu. 2k is a LOT of money for him to go on holiday with his family whilst you stay home with the kids alone. Can you afford a family holiday with him doing this? Is there money for you to do something away from the kids for a few days? Also it massively matters why you are NC and he's off on a jolly with them

Alwaystransforming · 05/03/2024 00:54

Whilst I appreciate you are NC, he obviously isn't.

I think its tricky. I think you never wanting to go further than Spain, is unfair on him. Its not like you would go if the kids were older. Or you didn't have kids. Sounds like you never plan to travel far. So him being able to go with someone else works out well.

But it must be difficult to see him go off and you be left at home. if you would prefer he doesn't take the kids as well. It's break you are unlikely to get.

I think you might be potentially going to run into a lot of problems. You are NC with his family. He isn't. Regardless of the wrongs or rights, this can cause problems. You deciding that he must be restricted to your preference of travel destinations is another potential issue that could be a deal breaker.

He is restricted for the rest of his life by your preference of travel. Lots of people wouldn't want that in a long term relationship. Not being able to ever travel further than Spain, if he is lucky, would make many people feel too restricted.

I think while you have 2 young kids, he shouldn't be going. Thats putting alot of burden on you, unless he is taking the kids. But I think you also need to accept that he wants to travel and as the kids get older, if he likes to travel this will keep coming up and a compromise needs to be reached. Or you are looking at something else that could cause issues.

Travel is important to alot of people. It's not fair for one of you to dictate all travel plans for the rest of your life.

PomPomtheGreat · 05/03/2024 00:54

I'd wave him off happily - assuming he realises he's taking the children with him rather than expecting you to cover childcare for him.

Meadowfinch · 05/03/2024 01:05

Yabu. Just because you won't fly, you can't limit your Dh's or your dc's life experiences.

Babla · 05/03/2024 01:12

YABU his family.. he wants to go

Kofifi · 05/03/2024 01:58

I can understand being a bit miffed if your family holiday for the year is going to be somewhere you don't want to go, with people you are NC with.

But at the same time, presumably your partner and children have a good relationship with that side of the family, and so stopping them from having a trip together seems unfair.
If the trip was somewhere closer like Spain would you have been happy to go with them?

Without knowing why your NC its difficult to understand your perspective. My gut feeling is that leaving out that detail means its something petty.

BruFord · 05/03/2024 02:00

My DH took his parents on holiday for a week a while back….I merrily waved them good bye!😂

Given that you don’t want to go anyway and assuming that as a family you can afford it, I’d let him enjoy the trip. Tbh, Mexico isn’t high on my list of places I’d like to visit so if DH was invited there, I’d also wave him off. Plus, you now have the perfect opportunity to organize your own break (somewhere that you’d like to go) with your family or friends!

DH also took DS on holiday last summer and I stayed at home. Again, it was to a location that I wasn’t especially interested but they were-so we saved that money. I hung out with the dog. 😂

JMSA · 05/03/2024 02:01

YABVU.

PickledPurplePickle · 05/03/2024 02:05

YABU he should go

my OH doesn’t like to travel, so I go alone, it would be a deal breaker for me otherwise

MariaVT65 · 05/03/2024 02:13

YABVU

If you need the 2k for something else then fine, but I also think YABU saying it could cover ‘a lot of uk holidays’. UK holidays are a lot more expensive than holidays around Europe and even further afield.

YABVVVVU to restrict your whole family going abroad because of your fear of flying. I’d recommend you seek some help with overcoming your fear. If I had started dating someone who would try and stop me going on holidays abroad because of that, I would dump them. You sound a bit controlling.

I think it’s always helpful to know that statistically you’re way more likely to die in a car crash than on a plane.

coxesorangepippin · 05/03/2024 02:50

He can go alone surely

thebestinterest · 05/03/2024 04:34

Is it his money he’s using for this trip? Is it his savings paying for his trip, after he’s paid into the pot: childcare, groceries, mortgage? If so, YABU.

thebestinterest · 05/03/2024 04:35

MadamVastra · 04/03/2024 21:55

He can go - he can enjoy it with the kids 😂

THIS. Send the kids? Although that sounds easier said than done, specially if you are bf your babies.

Tatonka · 05/03/2024 04:42

Great, so your family miss out on fun experiences because if you. YABU.

WandaWonder · 05/03/2024 04:54

Jojobees · 04/03/2024 22:27

It’s not a fuck you, I’m going anyway. You don’t want to go, and he does. Why should he stay at home. Why should you get the final say on holidays?
sorry you abvu.

because she is a women (i presume), sure I don't believe it but it is the double standard

I think the OP is being ridiculous