To not be happy about him going..

[FantasticUnicorn]

I'm a very nervous traveller. I have a fear of flying and don't like being away from home.

My partners family are going to Mexico. I'm NC with them due to reasons I won't go into. They've invited us (although we'd have to pay)
I said no thank you - it's a 9 hour flight and I couldn't think of anything more anxiety inducing or stressful with our 2 under 3 year old children, with people I haven't spoken to for years.

DH still wants to go. It's nearly 2k. AIBU for being a bit upset? I can't stop him but for that money we could have loads of UK holidays or even a family holiday to somewhere more near hand. I wouldn't stop him going but I kind of feel it's a bit of a fuck you, I'm going anyway.

If this is the only holiday I'd say he's selfish to go.

Are we still arguing and blaming people for Covid? When will we ever move on?

If you’d left the nervous travelling bit, OP, and focused on the fact that you’re NC with his family and why, then you’d have had different responses.

It’s very relevant why you’re NC. If they abused you in pregnancy or some such thing, and your H spectacularly failed to put them back in their box and allowed it, then him either forcing you to travel with your abusers and saying if you didn’t, fuck you, he’s spending £2k of family money on him going anyway, then it’s a very different tale.

Oh, I hadn’t updated the thread.

Well if you didn’t get covid what’s the issue? You do sound dramatic - two years not speaking over this?

I understand it was annoying but these are your kids grandparents who won’t be around forever. Is this angst and anger over an incident 2 years ago worth it?

We had an alright relationship until the kids were born, they moved abroad not long after we got together so didn't see them much, and when we did they would always come stay with us for up to 2 weeks at a time which was a bit suffocating but I put up with it.

Then when I had kids they changed, mil would always have opinions on my parenting whether it be going back to work, dummies, breastfeeding, disciplining or what I fed them it was always wrong. I was once outside in their pool and partner was inside with our eldest and he dropped something on his toe. Despite the fact he was inside with him - it was me who was the neglectful mother for being in the pool and sunbathing while he was inside with DS. I've heard her call me a cow to him when she didn't think I could hear.

They would make us go out with them until all hours with the kids so she could show them off. She was once so drunk she grabbed DS pram to stop herself falling with him inside and tipped it up. We're just very different.

I had severe PND (and depression during pregnancy due to hyperemesis) and I asked if they could wait before coming to stay with us after she was born as they came soon after DS was born and it was a bit much. This was early 2021 so Covid was still around.

Partner and his dad wanted to go to a huge darts match. I said I can't stop you but Covid is still rife, and we have a newborn. They both went anyway and lo and behold got Covid.

I said they should never have gone and if our newborn got Covid I would never forgive them as I'd asked them not to go to the darts. I was shouted at "no one ever fucking liked you. You're selfish (maybe I am), a shit mum, just fuck off" this was in my own house, with my baby in my arms. Partner encouraged this.

I walked out with the kids to my mums and remained there for a year. Sometimes i wonder if I've done the right thing going back. I blocked all of his family from my life at this point; very toxic. Nearly all our arguments are triggered by his family.

@Sonora25 read update

Yeah I understand they sound toxic. Don’t spend your holidays with them Then but your original post made it all about flying and your fear of going away.

@FantasticUnicorn for someone who is not going into why you are NC, that's a lot of information?

People commented before all that off course!

@Sonora25 I suppose I try to forget about that as talking about it and remembering it makes me upset. Having his dad scream in my face (while he had Covid) you're a fucking cunt and we hate you while I was recovering from PND with a newborn in my arms was quite upsetting. Partner just stood there egging his dad on. His mum saying it could be you who brought it (I never have it)
If I hadn't had my mums to escape to, I would've been stuck. Dd is now 2 and has seizures often triggered by high temperatures so it makes me feel sick to think what could've happened if she'd have caught Covid as a newborn.

Not sure why you had a second child TBH! Clearly your partner doesn't care about your feelings or respect you!

@puzzledout I didn't want to go into it really as it's very outing but there's no other way of explaining why I've not spoken to them since 2021 without giving detail.

@puzzledout I love her absolutely dearly and adore every part of her but sometimes I do regret her Dad as it's made me even more tied to him. My sister had just died suddenly and I don't know if I was thinking straight as awful as that sounds.

@FantasticUnicorn your in - laws sound like a bunch of wankers, and your 'D'H isn't far behind.

YANBU - and I would also be pissed at my other half blowing £2k on his holidays.

I think if you can afford it he should go as he won’t get much chance to do long haul seeing as you won’t go. I think you not getting on with his family is clouding your judgment. It sounds like you can afford it but would rather spend the money on something else. We don’t all like the same things and thats ok. My mum was someone who could never understand someone wanting do do something she didn’t. Don’t be like that.

This is the exact match they went to

www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/sportsnews/article-10361309/amp/Leicester-James-Maddison-Harvey-Barnes-Hamza-Choudhury-attend-Covid-bomb-darts.html

I said to them both "if you're staying with us after please please do not go, dd is weeks old if you give it to her she could be severely unwell" they're answer was

"if it's not lockdown, we're going whatever you fucking say"

YABU you can't expect everyone to restrict themselves just because you do. You should get out of your bubble a bit

your fears aside i do agree with you. the cost of him going could pay for a family holiday so to me that's selfish. he's not single and needs to look after his own family.

You have a partner problem and he isn’t a million miles away from his parents. If you stay with this man, he will always revert back to type.

YABU. Why should your kids be deprived of the experience of travelling and seeing their family, because of your irrational fear?

I think it is quite unfair to spend family money on a holiday that isn't in the benefit of all of those travelling. Your family unit is now you, your husband and your children not husband and in-laws.

I would decline and try to arrange time in the UK with grandparents and a family holiday.

For different reasons we don't travel further than France and a similar distance. We want to limit air travel and this year we are flying out and driving back with the grandparents we are going with. They live a 4-6h drive from us and in the opposite direction to France so it would have been a bit much to get them to drive both directions

You don't need to fly to Mexico to have quality time with your parents /grandparents. I find those that do are only interested in the picture perfect snaps they can share with other people rather than actually enjoying the time.

Sometimes I read these posts and it reads like the concept of family money which is a mumsnet thing, is really just about control.

That’s quite a drip feed, OP 😳.

If you’d added this information in your initial post, the responses you received would’ve been quite different, I imagine.

Reading your first post, I was of the opinion that YABVU, because I love to travel and it would be a massive dealbreaker for me if my partner tried to stifle that due to his own fears of flying or not wanting to be away from home.

I do still think you need to look into some treatment for that, because it would be a shame if you passed that anxiety onto your children and their life experiences were limited as a result.

However, after your updates, the travel thing is a bit of a red herring. The real issue here is that your husband’s family seem to be abusive cunts, and he’s just as bad.

I would actually advise you to tell him to go. When he’s away, speak to a solicitor and begin divorce proceedings.

I’m not someone who says LTB for every little thing, but I’m sorry, if my partner just stood there doing nothing while his family shouted at me and called me a cunt, there’s nothing that would keep me married to him.

If you choose to live in your own ever-shrinking comfort zone, that's your decision, but you can't expect other people to join you in it.

@PablosTescoBar my fear of flying started when I was pregnant with my eldest and we had an awful flight, turbulence where luggage was flying all over, people with head injuries etc. up until that point I was a nervous flyer but not scared. Then when kids came along I just don't think it's worth the stress it brings until they're older. I do need to get some kind of therapy for it though I agree.

I know it's a drip feed but it would have been quite a long post to put all that info in the original post and didn't realise how relevant it was as to why I wouldn't be going.

I've not spoken to them since that night, and then he expects me to want to go to Mexico with them for 2 weeks! My life has been much more positive since cutting contact with his family, and it was actually quite positive without him in it for a year aside from the fact I was more or less homeless with a toddler and a baby 🙁 might just change the locks while he's gone and say I'm staying in the house this time and he can move out