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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy about him going..

118 replies

FantasticUnicorn · 04/03/2024 20:56

I'm a very nervous traveller. I have a fear of flying and don't like being away from home.

My partners family are going to Mexico. I'm NC with them due to reasons I won't go into. They've invited us (although we'd have to pay)
I said no thank you - it's a 9 hour flight and I couldn't think of anything more anxiety inducing or stressful with our 2 under 3 year old children, with people I haven't spoken to for years.

DH still wants to go. It's nearly 2k. AIBU for being a bit upset? I can't stop him but for that money we could have loads of UK holidays or even a family holiday to somewhere more near hand. I wouldn't stop him going but I kind of feel it's a bit of a fuck you, I'm going anyway.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 05/03/2024 04:58

You know these fears and anxieties are treatable.

Why wouldn't you want to treat them?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 05/03/2024 06:12

MadamVastra · 04/03/2024 21:55

He can go - he can enjoy it with the kids 😂

This is the way to go. Send them all and get a real break.

I wouldn't stop him from going in this situation, they are his family. The reason you're NC might change this, but without knowing that the only answer I can give is they're his family and he's entitled to see them.

Nevermindtheteacaps · 05/03/2024 06:16

USO he's spending family money on this trip and you're left holding the babies?

Unless you get a return solo UK break AND you can still afford kid's holidays he's being a dick.

Other posters have misunderstood and think he's taking the kids!

solarised · 05/03/2024 06:17

If he can pay it without it affecting the family finances too much then why not. He needs to be able to live life

Autienotnautie · 05/03/2024 06:19

Can you afford it? Will you all still get a holiday together?

lotsofpeoplenametheirswords · 05/03/2024 06:23

I would go if I was him. I'm assuming he isn't NC with his family, it's you that won't travel further than 'Spain at a push' and so I don't understand why you want him to lose out.

Before I married my husband many years ago he went out with a woman who wouldn't travel anywhere because in her words 'we have everything we need in this country'. His family invited him to holiday in Australia with them for a month, she kicked off and so he didn't go. He says not going is one of his biggest regrets, let the man travel if you won't.

MississippiAF · 05/03/2024 06:26

Yabu. I’d be so sad if my DC ended up with someone this controlling

clarepetal · 05/03/2024 06:27

MadamVastra · 04/03/2024 21:55

He can go - he can enjoy it with the kids 😂

This!

MississippiAF · 05/03/2024 06:27

Spain at a push

JFC

jeaux90 · 05/03/2024 06:33

You need to work your way out of this fear. This is going to impact your kids if you don't.

Let him go.

secondscreen · 05/03/2024 06:35

Tell him how lovely it will be for him to have a holiday woth both kids . he'll rapidly go off the idea......

And get yourself some therapy

Ggttl · 05/03/2024 06:38

You can’t limit his life because of your irrational fears.

OldBeyondMyYears · 05/03/2024 06:43

You know you are being massively unreasonable right? 🤦‍♀️

Fargo79 · 05/03/2024 06:48

It totally depends on why you're NC with them, but you've said you won't elaborate on that so nobody can really give a meaningful or relevant answer. It also depends on your finances look like.

For example, at one end of the spectrum your PILs have done something utterly appalling to you and finances are tight for you. In this case, I think he'd be bang out of order to spend family money on a holiday with people who have treated you so badly and leaving you to hold the babies while he's off on an extended jolly.

At the other end of the spectrum, you have fallen out with his family for no good reason and you make it very difficult for him to see them. You've got plenty of money and this trip won't make a dent in the bank balance. You have tons of local support with the kids while he's gone. In this case, stop trying to cut him off from his family and control him.

Presumably the actual scenario is somewhere in the middle.

PrimaniTu · 05/03/2024 06:48

YABU you can't tell a grown up where they can and can't go. He's not a child.

Di a fear of flying course and you can go long haul abroad.

As an aside I don't like flying but I just suck it up and get on with it. I put on a fake happy face in front of my kids when on the plane and pretend I'm fine. We go abroad, on a plane, around 3 times a year.

There are lots of people who don't like flying. I say next to a man once whose leg didn't stop shaking. It finally stopped on when we landed.

Dweetfidilove · 05/03/2024 06:50

Hopefully he wants to/is allowed to take his children who will likely have a lovely time. Unless you’re going to tell us his family is unsafe and he’s incapable of protecting them.

It’s fine for you not to go due your anxiety and not getting on with his family, but you’d be unreasonable to expect him not to.

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 05/03/2024 07:02

Unless his family have been abusive then you are being beyond unreasonable. If they have and your DH has ignored that then you have another issue to deal with but I’m working on the assumption that’s not the case.

I can just imagine if this thread was written by a man, he’d be crucified in here and quite rightly so.

You can’t control other people OP and you certainly can’t try and prevent them spending time with family. The holiday sounds like a red herring to me, and saying it’s a fuck you from your DH is extremely manipulative.

What are the reasons for no contact @FantasticUnicorn

honeylulu · 05/03/2024 07:19

YABU for all the reasons posters have said.

But ... It's not really an "invitation" if they are just saying tag along at your own cost/full cost.
Also, why do I have the feeling that if you said OK go without me he would also go without the kids and leave you lumbered? Am I right?

Original poster
FantasticUnicorn · 05/03/2024 07:27

@honeylulu Yes we're "invited" but it's at full cost of our own, so basically we're spending our money on a holiday they've chosen.

He would leave the kids with me, no way would he want to take them both without me and give me some freedom!

OP posts:
Original poster
FantasticUnicorn · 05/03/2024 07:30

@Betterbuckleupbarbara we didn't get on for several reasons after the kids were born, I was called a neglectful mum, just couldn't do right in their eyes.

The final straw was when they came to stay with us during Covid after being among a lot of people at a sport event - I had a newborn - and as I predicted they brought Covid into the house.

Me and the kids had to go live with my parents as they had Covid and no where to go (they live abroad) I said they were unreasonable for coming in the first place and they kicked off, shouted and swore at me in my own home. That was over 2 years ago, we haven't spoken since and I have no intention to.

OP posts:
Original poster
FantasticUnicorn · 05/03/2024 07:34

My partner and I separated after that occasion for over a year - I lived at my parents with the kids. When we got back together I said I would not have his parents stay, not while I was in the house anyway, and that I did not want to have anything to do with them. I don't stop him, he takes the kids abroad to stay with them and when they come over here he goes to see them.

Money is quite tight at the moment, him spending 2k on this holiday will mean we won't have a holiday as a family or certain things I wanted for the house eg new carpet this year.

OP posts:
jolies1 · 05/03/2024 07:58

I understand why you feel the way you do but if this is a one off and not every year, I would agree to it as long as DP is generally decent and fair with family money and makes sacrifices to help pay for it (reduces nights out, football tickets etc) and you get a break at some point yourself. It sounds like he won’t get the opportunity to travel somewhere like this anytime soon. It’s fine that you don’t wish to travel long haul but also think as a one off he should take the opportunity if you would never go with him.

If you weren’t afraid of the travel would you be able to afford to go with him and the kids to Mexico? If so there will surely be some funds for a UK break or your carpets.

If he goes you can agree the equivalent for yourself next year - you get a decent break from kids to see family / friends, travel somewhere you really want to go that he isn’t bothered about.

Sonora25 · 05/03/2024 08:03

FantasticUnicorn · 05/03/2024 07:30

@Betterbuckleupbarbara we didn't get on for several reasons after the kids were born, I was called a neglectful mum, just couldn't do right in their eyes.

The final straw was when they came to stay with us during Covid after being among a lot of people at a sport event - I had a newborn - and as I predicted they brought Covid into the house.

Me and the kids had to go live with my parents as they had Covid and no where to go (they live abroad) I said they were unreasonable for coming in the first place and they kicked off, shouted and swore at me in my own home. That was over 2 years ago, we haven't spoken since and I have no intention to.

You can’t know who passed Covid onto whom. It might be likely or you or your DH mighr have gotten it from someone else, a trip to the shop, playgroup, whatever. In a pandemic to point a finger and blame is a strange reaction. Most people got it from a family member.

my brother’s kids likely passed it to our elderly grandma, I can’t prove it so no point making a drama. Lots of people made stupid and irresponsible decisions!

Original poster
FantasticUnicorn · 05/03/2024 08:05

@Sonora25 they'd been to a darts match 2 days before with 10,000 people. I hadn't left the house. I never tested positive, never have. They did, a few days after going to said darts match I had asked them not to go to before staying with us as Covid was still rife and I had a newborn. So I'm not sure how it's not obvious where it had came from.

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 05/03/2024 08:18

Each to their own but that is a very extreme reason to go NC with someone IMO. You do sound a bit extreme and controlling Op, sorry.

I agree that DH shouldn’t go on his own without taking the kids though. But you’re being a bit silly to put him in that situation in the first place. Please lighten up and go on holiday!