To raise my voice at the child

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We were at the park with a family that we see regularly.

My DS 9 and his friend 9 were playing together. Younger sister of friend joining in on and off.

Youngest 7 has frequent upsets and becomes angry quickly and makes lots of demands on mum. No judgement in any way. Families go through challenges and children are not perfect.

Mum gentle parents and has the patience of a saint. Today. The youngest was insisting on playing with the older two, they wanted to be alone. (And had played with her for a while at points)

They were on a climbing frame and youngest snatched a hoop DS was holding and refused to let go. It was quite precarious as they were up high.

I raised my voice and quite sternly and said to her 'you need to let that go NOW'

I feel torn between speaking to mum about it and apologising for raising my voice and just letting it go. I feel I've upset the mum. I'm not shouty and rarely raise my voice but will be quite strongly spoken if needed. I expect my child to have good manners, treat others with respect and take direction especially if it's a matter of safety.

He's far from perfect nor am I but I feel I have over stepped the mark. I know her parenting style is an important choice for her and i acted in opposition to it. This is the first time in years of friendship I've ever felt this uncomfortable. I think I'm slightly embarrassed too for being so sharp.

Unless she tells you it was an issue don’t go around apologizing

Did your friend say anything at the time?

If there’s a potentially dangerous situation occurring then YANBU to intervene. You did the right thing.

I know someone who practises gentle parenting, one child is very well behaved, the other is feral (and that’s their word not mine)! They let her engage in potentially dangerous behaviour, whilst they get down to her and quietly talk to her. It doesn’t work.

I’ve been in a similar situation and did apologise. If you spend a lot of time together I think it’s fair to be able to tell another child what to do but not when it’s against the parents methods

If you had had no skin in the game I would have said you were BU. But as your own child was in danger because of the misbehaviour of the other child, it was sensible to tell her to let go urgently. The other mother should have got there before you.

I wouldn’t apologise unless they bring it up and then I would apologise for any hurt, while explaining it was done as it was a matter of urgency due to safety.

I don't think you should apologise. She has made the decision to do gentle parenting, you haven't. You spoke to a child in a firm, sensible and appropriate way in order to avoid an accident happening. There was absolutely nothing wrong with it!

If you are respecting her decision to be a 'gentle parent' then she has to respect your parenting style too.

You don’t need to apologise. Permissive parenting is fine in their own home if they don’t give a stuff how their child behaves there, but when their child is doing something dangerous or nuisance-making around other people and they won’t take responsibility, I’d have no problem doing it for them. They can be upset if they like but better that than anything more serious involving others.

I honestly don't think I'd remember this 10 minutes after it happened, if I was either of you two 🤷‍♂️

YANBU. Safety issue, all bets are off. Her child’s bad behaviour potentially put yours ask risk, no way would I apologise.

Nope I would not apologise. If a child is risking my child's safety I will be firm.
I'm all for natural consequences and gentle parenting so long as it doesn't affect someone else.
In this situation the child's behaviour and where they were, created and genuine risk your child.
I would have been irritated the parent didn't step in actually.

I think if something dangerous was happening you didn't have the luxury of going to mum and saying oh would you mind your dd is doing x and mine might get hurt. You step in and you deal with it as you see fit. Your priority in that moment is the safety of all kids involved not whether or not your approach matches the mums.

If you feel like she was weird about it, then I'd say to her, I hope you don't mind that I was firm with dd other day, I was really worried about ds losing his balance as she tried to get the hoop so i was trying to stop it as quickly as I could to keep them both safe.

You're not apologising because you've nothing to apologise for, but you're clearing the air and showing her that you had both children's best interests at heart.

I can't see anyone reasonable disagreeing with you on that.

Seems to me there is a lot of confusion over gentle parenting. All the ‘gentle’ parents I know would absolutely raise their voice to their child if it was a matter of safety. Gentle parenting is usually very engaged parenting but all the things I see on MN about it as about parents who don’t engage in parenting at all! If she is genuinely doing gentle parenting she will probably be very understanding if you talk to her about your different parenting styles and what to do in a similar situation.

I would not shout or raise my voice at a child at a height, it may not end well. They may startle and fall, so sorry for that reason I would say YABU.

I try my best to gentle parent my dc, and I absolutely raise my voice when necessary. I would have told my own child to let go, and would have no issue with another parent doing the same to protect their child. You have no reason to apologise.

Thanks everyone.

I did speak to the mum and apologised for raising my voice.

I said that I respect that was a boundary I crossed.

We've exchanged a few short messages since and my child and her child have not met up since.

They have usually met up once or twice a week for the past few years (with occasional gaps during really busy times or holidays etc)

I've hosted dinners, we've been on days out, pet sat, had each others children to play.

She has said she wants space

I've said I recognise the friendship has been damaged but am keen we find a way through to support the boys friendship.

My child has spoken to his friend online gaming but mum will often make him come off the game when he plays with my child. My child and his friend have a firm and lovely friendship that has developed over this time.

I'm so upset for the children. It feels like such a loss for both the children.

I can't quite comprehend that one stressful day and me raising my voice; after a few years of solid friendship could result in this

There have been moments for me during our friendship where I have felt frustrated or left short but have an over riding sense that as humans we are all quite flawed and that we can make allowances.

I am also now reviewing some of these things and questioning.

I'm not sure why I'm writing here. I think I feel loss and also angry at her capacity to end what was a lovely friendship between our boys.

Im really disappointed and feel the whole situation is really sad.

She doesn't sound like much of a loss, OP.
You did absolutely nothing wrong and in fact your child was the one deserving of an apology in all this.
Agree with PP that it's not your business how she parents or what her child does, but the minute your child is endangered it's very much your business and if she wasn't so far up her own arse them this wouldn't even have been a conversation.

Are you quite sure there isn't more to this? Is she upset about the general treatment of her youngest if the older ones wouldn't include the younger. I totally understand how difficult that dynamic is but you do seem to see the younger as a nuisance. Is your DC an only?

Was the situation genuinely dangerous? If so, then yes of course you did the right thing by shouting but I'd have instantly explained that to children and parents why. It does sound a bit like you've had a go at a little girl who didn't want to be left out. I think labeling mum as a gentle parent may have muddied the water with the responses you've had.

Just to add, my child couldn't have let go as he was holding it around his waist, she was pulling at it and he was about to wobble off.

This child has previously bashed my son over the head with a plastic spade because 'he didn't buy her a Claire's accessories voucher' for her birthday.

(For bigger picture - the voucher was mums suggestion when I asked her what she would like - I didn't buy it but brought a few little bits and bobs instead)

She practices gentle parenting which is all about respecting people and understanding them, but doesn't seem to have extended much of this to you. Kids are kids. It's no big deal and the whole needing space thing just seems overdramatic.

I've though this through lots. Yes, mine is an only child and they mostly include her.

There was another point when the little girl wanted to look at something in my bag and I said 'no I've packed it away now'

It wasn't the best day, stress in the air, so yes, probably more.

The girl is great, I really like her, they visit our home, she has favorite toys here she likes doing certain activities when she's here and I get art stuff out for her. My son 75 percent of the time includes her in Thier play and is generally kind. They play the same games all together over and over and I always encourage my son to include, which he does. I also frequently watch her mum being smacked grabbed and pulled around by her and watching her bite her brother. Her mum finds it difficult.

I've said if there's anything else I would welcome to understand
God, we all need to be told if we are out of line sometimes, i would welcome it.
I had similar challenges when my child was that age and spent a lot of time overwhelmed and was well aware that the impact of my child's behaviour on other children; and adults, meant that relationships could potentially be tricky.

He's fine now; I am trying to put myself in her shoes. How would I feel if someone had raised their voice at my child in a similar situation? Grateful probably, and embarrassed maybe?

Either way, two boys are both missing each other.

You shouldn't have apologised. That's where she thought she could have the upper hand and make herself a victim of something here.

Yes, I think you're right there. Thanks.

You had a lucky escape tbh. A parent who would fall out with another parent for something so trivial is not someone you want to be friends with. YOU didn’t do anything wrong! She sounds like hard work.

I agree that your mistake was apologising - and then taking it even further and saying you'd crossed a boundary! What nonsense. The child was pulling a hoop that was around your child's waist while they were on a climbing frame - of course she needed to be told.
I'd give it a few days and then message saying your son is really missing her son and can you arrange something as it would be a shame for their friendship to end over something so minor. She sounds a bit of a nutcase to be fair.

It was a matter of safety so YANBU, she’s being petty trying to distance the boys. I also disagree with PP that the 9 year olds should include the younger sibling at all times. I never played with my brother’s friends and he never played with mine.