To raise my voice at the child

[WidmyBreadbin]

We were at the park with a family that we see regularly.

My DS 9 and his friend 9 were playing together. Younger sister of friend joining in on and off.

Youngest 7 has frequent upsets and becomes angry quickly and makes lots of demands on mum. No judgement in any way. Families go through challenges and children are not perfect.

Mum gentle parents and has the patience of a saint. Today. The youngest was insisting on playing with the older two, they wanted to be alone. (And had played with her for a while at points)

They were on a climbing frame and youngest snatched a hoop DS was holding and refused to let go. It was quite precarious as they were up high.

I raised my voice and quite sternly and said to her 'you need to let that go NOW'

I feel torn between speaking to mum about it and apologising for raising my voice and just letting it go. I feel I've upset the mum. I'm not shouty and rarely raise my voice but will be quite strongly spoken if needed. I expect my child to have good manners, treat others with respect and take direction especially if it's a matter of safety.

He's far from perfect nor am I but I feel I have over stepped the mark. I know her parenting style is an important choice for her and i acted in opposition to it. This is the first time in years of friendship I've ever felt this uncomfortable. I think I'm slightly embarrassed too for being so sharp.

Shes being completely dramatic OP!

How sad to not let the boys play together over this, even online.

She wants space? Wow, I think you’ve had a lucky escape! If she doesn’t want people raising their voice at her child she needs to parent effectively and act immediately in an unsafe situation so that other people don’t have to step in and do the job for her.

She's being overly dramatic, it's hardly the end of the world and not worth falling out over. Her children are going to get things said to them over the years that she doesn't like or agree with, whether she does gentle parenting or not. But on that occasion she wasn't doing any parenting at all by the sounds if it and that's why you stepped in. If she can't draw a line under it, that's her problem.

I don't think siblings should expect to be included all the time either.

Aw no I feel sad for the boys, how disappointing. I feel she’s being a tad dramatic here tbh

I’m sorry but mothers like that boil my piss. If anything, she should be apologizing that her child’s feral and entitled behaviour put your child in danger. I’m all for gentle parenting but it has a time and a place and if a child is doing something that clearly puts another child at risk (particularly your child) then someone needs to step in - and it should be the parent of the child who is behaving in a dangerous way. She obviously didn’t want to do it but you 100% did the right thing. Don’t waste time worrying about what she thinks. Not worth your time or energy. Obviously a shame for the boys and I would do all you can to ensure their friendship isn’t affected but I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. If they are as close as you say, they’ll find a way to remain friends.

You should have said something like ' sorry I had to shoyt but X was doing something a bit dangerous there'. I would not have apologised profusely in the way you did as you have basically encouraged her to think she was wronged in some way. She is over reacting and I would stop pandering to it. Ignore the drama. Encourage your ds to make other friends. She is also behaving childishly by bringing the children into her hurt feelings which is not OK.

A 7 year old that bites? That's just ridiculous, and the mother needs to realise that her behaviour is not acceptable, especially due to safety reasons (like the day in the park)

She isn't gentle parenting, she isn’t parenting at all!

I agree with pp, your mistake was apologising.

Honestly, I think you've put yourself in a bad position by apologising. Sounds like she's playing up to that. I would have done the same as you, but wouldn't have apologised, save for perhaps a - 'sorry, I had to shout, as I'm sure you'll agree...' type thing.

Oh sorry just realised load of PPs have said the same thing! There ya go!

The mum sounds awfully drippy and she’s not doing her daughter any favours.

I think you’ve dodged a bullet there.

I also think she’s directing a whole load of anger at you, because you expressed what I will bet she thinks inwardly, 100 times a day. But she gets to deflect it and project it on to you so she doesn’t have to face what a pest her daughter is being.

Tweens and teens will be interesting with this kid.

I agree sounds like you have done nothing wrong. I have come across parents like these where they don’t tell their children off but expect other adults to put up with their shoddy behaviour. Will back fire on them in the future, you need to ask yourself if she’s willing to give up your friendship so easily is it really worth it. You will have issues with this child in the future if you pander to it. Your child and their safety comes first.

I don't understand why both of you seem to be making a big deal out of that one sentence that you said sternly?!?

“She has said she wants space”

Omg 🙄 She sounds a pathetic twat op. Please don’t pander to it. As pp have said you shouldn’t have apologised for what was perfectly reasonable. You need to hold your own parenting boundaries now - she’s not superior because she is scared to exert authority over a 7 year old. Yes, the boys are missing out - even more proof of what poor choices she makes when it comes to her children.

I would give her space- permanently.
What the hell do these kids do when they enter the workforce?
If you thing employers practice gentle work force mode you had better think again.
You do what your employer asks you to do, no excuse, no well I’d rather not, no tantrums.
She sounds like a nightmare.

Being engaged as a parent is surely just what normal, decent parenting is and always has been. Why does it now need a ridiculous label like ‘gentle’?

Also, isn’t there a saying ‘you have to parent the child you’ve got’? To me that means you use the techniques that work, not continue using techniques that might have worked for child 1 but clearly don’t for child 2. 🤷‍♀️

Thank you. Yes, this crossed my mind too.

There were a couple of other moments where the girl wanted to sit where her mum was sitting on the bench, mum was just about to move and I said ' oh, come and sit here if you like, your mum is sitting there'.

At this point there had been so much 'out of control stuff going on I felt the need to put a boundary down. So yep, definitely agree with you.

@MargeryDoors yes, my piss was boiling a little! Great expression.

@Scousefab yes, I feel quite upset for exactly this reason. It's as if the friendship is disposable. I always approached our friendship from a place of willingness to accept flaws as we are both single parents and in deficit in different ways. I'm quite gutted.

My son has said he misses his friend. They've gamed online together but the boy is now not using his headset and can't talk. My son said his friend kept sending hugging emojis.

I'm really disappointed for them both. I invested in this friendship as it was generally quite straightforward and uncomplicated and the boys have a lovely connection.

The girl sounds like she's crying out for some boundaries too.

You have done nothing wrong.

Even if the parent isn't doing anything about it and it's affecting your child?

Nope.

Stop pandering to her.

What would have happened if your child had been hurt?

Doesn't sound like 'gentle parenting' it sounds like 'indulgent parenting'

I don't think you were out of line.

If it were me, I would have asked my DS to just let her have it, and said "I appreciate X isn't being very kind, but why don't you just let her have it, then you and Y can go and play without her and she can play all by herself, because people who snatch things will end up with no one to play with".

Sounds like the girl clearly needs some boundaries! My brother is way too soft with his kids, and his 9 year old son is awful! I politely asked his son and my own DS to keep the noise down as younger siblings were trying to sleep, and my 9 year old nephew told me to piss off! When I told my brother what he'd said, he just went in and said "remember to be polite". That was it!! If my DS had told my brother to piss off, I would have confiscated his phone and gaming console for a week!

My next question is, should I contact the boys father and initiate them seeing one another via him.

They are in the middle of a horrible family court battle, accusations of abuse and horrible things on both sides.

I know she would be very angry, but at this point; the boys have not seen one another for 6 weeks. I feel thier needs are a priority. It would be the sledgehammer on our relationship but from my point of view, I'm not prepared to open the door to the friendship again anyway.

The back catalogue of things I've overlooked because they're not my problem, her willingness to sever a friendship without empathy for what was happening for me or my DS on that day/ that moment; it's a red flag. . I feel a little like I've been more of a resource than a friend on reflection.

It's a pattern I've seen with other situations in her life and had accepted she's a bit like that.

I would not like to do this as it would be problematic and make her feel terrible. If I do I will have to just put a very clear boundary up and let my son get on with enjoying his friendship.

You did nothing wrong, you stepped in to protect your child when your friend did nothing. It sounds like the little girl is crying out for boundaries. It’s up to your friend if she’s happy to be walked all over by a 7 year old but she can’t expect everyone else to be. Your friend is being very immature by stopping the boys playing together over what is such a trivial matter.