To raise my voice at the child

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We were at the park with a family that we see regularly.

My DS 9 and his friend 9 were playing together. Younger sister of friend joining in on and off.

Youngest 7 has frequent upsets and becomes angry quickly and makes lots of demands on mum. No judgement in any way. Families go through challenges and children are not perfect.

Mum gentle parents and has the patience of a saint. Today. The youngest was insisting on playing with the older two, they wanted to be alone. (And had played with her for a while at points)

They were on a climbing frame and youngest snatched a hoop DS was holding and refused to let go. It was quite precarious as they were up high.

I raised my voice and quite sternly and said to her 'you need to let that go NOW'

I feel torn between speaking to mum about it and apologising for raising my voice and just letting it go. I feel I've upset the mum. I'm not shouty and rarely raise my voice but will be quite strongly spoken if needed. I expect my child to have good manners, treat others with respect and take direction especially if it's a matter of safety.

He's far from perfect nor am I but I feel I have over stepped the mark. I know her parenting style is an important choice for her and i acted in opposition to it. This is the first time in years of friendship I've ever felt this uncomfortable. I think I'm slightly embarrassed too for being so sharp.

I disagree. You did overstep. You should have apologised. Mum probably feels upset. Perhaps she was frequently shouted at as a child and this has brought it all back for her. Truthfully you don't agree she is handling it well and she doesn't think you handled it well. These relationships can only survive if everyone strictly sticks to parenting their own children.

This a truly terrible idea. I can't really believe you are considering it.

Oh my goodness, no, definitely don't do that. It won't help the situation at all

Yes, I agree with this too. Hence why I apologised and tried to repair. Absolutely. It is a learning to me that in similar situations in future, I will not be so accommodating of these kinds of challenges.

Also agree that contacting the Dad is a terrible idea but feel equally, as adults, my son's friendship is not something that ought to be jeapodise because of adult disagreements. It's not as if he's a toddler. He's in year 5 and can manage friendship without adults being involved with one another.

I hope your son finds a new friend soon. Focus on that. This was bound to happen sooner or later considering how poorly she parents and how she handled the (non-) situation. Her loss. Disappointing though and upsetting. Definitely do not contact the dad - just let the friendship now drift.

I'm absolutely not going to do that. I'm thinking aloud. Thanks for reading.

Yes. Onward and upwards. I've already looked at joining Frolo.

What a mess, I feel sorry for you all! Have you directly asked if her son can come round to play at yours?

I am probably older than you, OP, and this takes me back to my Gently Parenting friends when the DC were small. It doesn’t logically follow, because gentle parenting should involve consideration for others, but many Gentle Parents of my experience are very focused on giving their own DC the best experience (superficially) and don’t much care what that costs others. What’s a nasty fall for your DS as long as her darling DD isn’t made to feel discomfort?

I am very fond of several of these former Gently Parented children, now young people, and none of them had an easy time adjusting to the world. Emphatically, proper gentle parenting as I understand it would not make DC the centre of the universe, and I can work well. But it seems to be much more difficult. And may not even be effective for certain temperaments.

I agree with those who say this woman is not much of a loss for you, but I feel very sorry for the boys. I wish I had an idea for you

As others have said, I think you over apologised here: your own child was in danger and so I don't really see what else you could have done.

Your friend sounds over sensitive, defensive and unreasonable. You can't control her behaviour, unfortunately, so if she's decided to cut you off there's not much you can do.

Six weeks isn't very long. I might leave it a bit longer, give her the space she so dramatically desires. Then after a couple of months, ask her direct if her son would like to come for a playdate. If she responds negatively, then go to the husband but be aware the friendship will be fully over.

The child needs to get used to the idea that people who aren't her mum have different boundaries on acceptable behaviour and that she will have to deal with a variety of reactions when someone thinks she has done something 'wrong'. You didn't hurt the child, and reacted as you did to prevent her and your own DC being harmed. Teachers, club leaders, friends parents at their own houses etc will all react in a different way to mum, even if mum is around. Dealing with other people's reasonable reactions to her behaviour is something both the child and her mum have to deadl with.

Her daughter was putting your son in danger.

Plus, even if she thinks you jumped in too quick/shouted too loud/over stepped you have apologised.

Stopping the boys playing an online game is a massive overreaction on her part. She has clearly decided the friendship between them has to end because she no longer wishes to spend time with you.

imo you’ve dodged a bullet - as children get older friendships get trickier, and the younger sibling issue can get trickier, and if this is how she reacted to you telling her daughter to stop endangering your son then god only knows how she’ll react to any teen dramas!

Goodness OP, this child put your child in danger and the mother is angry at you for intervening to prevent potential injury?

Not only would I not have apologised in your shoes but I would also decline any further invites except unaccompanied at your home (i.e. where you're essentially in loco parents and can supervise this child properly). The child might be the nicest child in the world but if they're allowed to behave dangerously and their parents don't show a grain of common sense in controlling them, then I wouldn't want to be around that. I'd focus on other friendships for now.

Yes, I'm really sad about or. Boys have both navigated tricky times in the friendship but have really found Thier way. They both have ASD meaning neither find friendships easy but finding each other has been like gold for them.

I remember about 2 years ago looking at them both chatting away in the middle of a busy playground and just having that moment that they'd found each other.

Since then they've pond-dipped, been on nature trails, climbed trees, played board and card games, put hours and hours in at soft play and the park, playing hide and seek, spent days on the beach together, been to clubs together and spent endless hours gaming. The little girl has been regularly included and my son has gained a lot from the friendship.

They all have. Hopefully, as a couple of people have said, she will defrost and things can resume between them.

I will leave it for a little longer and then try and initiate a get together, inviting him here. As @Whatifthehokeycokey suggested. Thanks.

But that's the point.

The 'friend' wasn't doing any parenting

Just as aside, gentle parenting isn't letting your child do something dangerous because you can't ever raise your voice. The idea would be raise your voice, stop the behaviour but explain why so they know for next time. She might think she's gentle parenting but if she wouldn't stop a dangerous situation then she's just a crap parent. I feel I needed to say that because Mumsnet seems to have such an ill informed view of what gentle parent should be.

She allowed your child's safety to be put at risk by not intervening when her child put yours in danger. I wouldn't want to continue the friendship if I were you. She's no great loss.

I can totally understand.

However, the longer the friendship runs for the harder it will be when it stops. And with a Mum who reacts to you objecting to her 7 year old, who from you’ve said is already hard work, putting your child in physical danger in the way she has then the friendship is very likely to end at some point.

Sadly sometimes friendships that do bring some benefits cannot continue when parenting styles are too different. And most people would be like you, having to ignore our child being out in physical danger while the other parent does nothing is a step too far to maintain a friendship.

A bit like a relationship that’s mostly good except when it’s really bad. The goods don’t always balance out and it sounds to me that with her parenting style that will become more and more of an issue.

“They are in the middle of a horrible family court battle, accusations of abuse and horrible things on both sides.”

Well that explains a lot. This isn’t about ‘gentle parenting’. Yes she’s a drip and indulging her dd in an unhealthy way, but it sounds like there is more going on and she’s preoccupied with that.

I don't understand why he had a hoop on a climbing frame especially if you are so hot on safety (and what 9 year old boy plays with hoops? Was it his or tge little girls)
I think you perhaps are a bit helicopters. Surely a 9 year old lad can cope with a 7 yo little girl?

It’s sad but I think it’s time you moved away from the situation. The mother is no friend to you. Defiantly keep out of the marital dispute. Start your son at new clubs, activities and expand your circles.

Gentle parenting 🙄
YANBU, OP

Loose parts play. Risk in play. It's perfectly fine. It's play. You can go on the Play Wales website and watch Thier video about Why Play is Important' and listen to children talking about Thier play stories.

My child absolutely can handle a 7 year old. What is a step too far is a 7 year old who 5 minutes earlier, bit her brother and is snarling at him and aggressively pulling what he is holding.

I feel sad you don't think 9 year old boys can play with hoops and Thier imaginations. He was pretending to be ninja cats with another boy for days a a short while ago