To raise my voice at the child

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We were at the park with a family that we see regularly.

My DS 9 and his friend 9 were playing together. Younger sister of friend joining in on and off.

Youngest 7 has frequent upsets and becomes angry quickly and makes lots of demands on mum. No judgement in any way. Families go through challenges and children are not perfect.

Mum gentle parents and has the patience of a saint. Today. The youngest was insisting on playing with the older two, they wanted to be alone. (And had played with her for a while at points)

They were on a climbing frame and youngest snatched a hoop DS was holding and refused to let go. It was quite precarious as they were up high.

I raised my voice and quite sternly and said to her 'you need to let that go NOW'

I feel torn between speaking to mum about it and apologising for raising my voice and just letting it go. I feel I've upset the mum. I'm not shouty and rarely raise my voice but will be quite strongly spoken if needed. I expect my child to have good manners, treat others with respect and take direction especially if it's a matter of safety.

He's far from perfect nor am I but I feel I have over stepped the mark. I know her parenting style is an important choice for her and i acted in opposition to it. This is the first time in years of friendship I've ever felt this uncomfortable. I think I'm slightly embarrassed too for being so sharp.

😂

I would have apologised but explained one of them was about to get hurt.

Her reaction is over the top. I suspect it's more about feeling judged as a parent than her daughter being on the receiving end of a raised voice.

1 who are you addressing?
2 who the heck do you think you are telling people not to come on this website??
Ageratum mum of 5

@Mistredd at what point should op have intervened then? When her child fell off and got hurt? No she was fine to intervene.

@Mistredd you sound like a 'oh we only use kind hands' whilst your kid is beating the crap out of another one parent.

At what point would YOU have intervened if your kid was being out in a dangerous position ? Would you just leave them to be hurt, fall off and need to go to A&E for stitches ? Or would you say 'GET DOWN NOW' to a kid putting your kid in danger?

Yeah I thought as much

Don't apologize you did nothing wrong. Maybe losing the friendship isn't so bad really.

I would have been telling my child to cut it out myself, so you wouldn't need to have said anything, but there's a chance I would have found what you did triggering because of my abusive Stbxh. Is there a chance that maybe that's what's happened? My kids all have ASD and stbxh used to snap at me and get angry if they weren't behaving, even if the kid 'misbehaving' was right next to him and I was across the room Id be told to deal with YOUR child. His emphasis. He'd tell them off for something unnecessary but important to the child, like you maybe did with her DD wanting to sit where she was. Then he'd get angry. Maybe the behaviour is an issue between them and you pushed on a raw nerve. Anything that reminds me of my stbxh right now while we're divorcing triggers a big reaction, all internal. Very very few people know he's abusive. I could see creating some space if that was the case. I personally wouldn't want to effect my kids friendships like that, but maybe she's overwhelmed and just not coping. I hope the boys can get back to their friendship at some stage.

Are they in school together? I wouldn't approach the ex but if he independently lets them game online or meet up I wouldn't stop them. I personally think that other parents breakups should not really impact on children's friendships. All too often of course they do and a party invitation is turned down because it isn't the right weekend.

If they are not in school together it is a bit trickier but I might suggest something fun for them to do together over the May bank holidays perhaps. Little more space but at least you will know that you have done what you can to further your dc's friendship.

I imagine she will get a big shock at secondary level when both children are acting out and need boundaries.

This is really sad for you. But she sounds like a lunatic. I really disagree with “gentle parenting”. I see it all the time where I live in London and the kids of gentle parents are invariably poorly behaved and don’t take instruction. There is absolutely nothing wrong with raising your voice to a child if the situation requires it.

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor no, they home ed

Of course they do.

OP - you sound lovely. Give it a bit longer. I expect her son will soon ask to see yours, and of course his every wish must be fulfilled.

I hope your son can build other friendships. Sometimes good can come out of negative situations like this.

No surprises there!

Sit tight and let the dust settle. It’s been a short period of time in the grand scheme. Your son won’t suffer irreparable harm from waiting. Starting in a month, consistently invite him over. People can and do get over things. Sometimes it takes a bit longer than others. Don’t demonise her or yourself in your mind. Neither of you are bad, awful people. You had a disagreement and it was painful. But time heals.

I am quite proactive and do raise my voice but try not to shout in an angry way. I would have most likely noticed (hyper vigilant parent of an autistic boy) it straight away and stopped the unsafe behaviour. My kids know they can’t ignore me, so often I don’t need to shout, no. I might have said “that’s not safe. Put it down please” and they would have, because they know from past experience if they hadn’t I would have immediately been up there and removed it from them and got them to be on a lower level.

However, I wouldn’t had done that with someone else’s child. I would either have called my own child down, gone up there to mediate or gently said to friend “ooh I’m worried that’s getting a bit out of hand, shall we get them to come down for a minute?”. I am teacher and have never shouted at someone else’s child. If I couldn’t manage my class without shouting then I’d have a permanent sore throat.

There is medium ground between ignoring a child’s behaviour and shouting. I am not vilifying the op though. She was scared and when we are scared our brain goes on autopilot. She wasn’t intending to upset or offend. It was a momentary thing.

@claireof4 are you talking to the OP??

My friend gentle parents, not correctly imo but not my place. After a lovely get together there was an incident where my Chromebook was broken. No apology, it was laughed off and he was reassured it was no issue. I’ve distanced myself from them because I can’t be listening to that and seeing him turn into an entitled child.

You did the right thing shouting and instead of feeling bad you should be angry that she put her feelings up as the most important without considering you were worried.

Yeah… the correlation between “gentle parenting” (invariably interpreted cack-handedly) and thin-skinned parents continues apace.

😂😂 WTF shut up. Are you the other girls mum?

She's just a troll I think
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