For this to be the reason for breaking contact?

[Whyjustwhywhy]

I had no sleep (literally) last night so my judgement may be clouded.

I gave my brother a lift into town as he cannot drive at the moment. When there he bought a slice of pizza and a doughnut- fine. My three year old needed lunch so we went to the M & S cafe. I bought a spaghetti bolognaise for DS - small portion as for a child. I then went to change my baby’s nappy. While I was doing that, my brother reached over and took a huge helping of DS’s food, probably half his meal.

I am furious but am I overreacting?

And they clearly weren't. Or it is a work in progress. Many of us periodically behave like arses for whatever reason - even as adults.

These are the Ops boundaries. She needs to be clear on that to him. She is not responsible for his parenting but she is able to be clear now on what her boundaries are right now and in the present day- especially if he is living with her.

Ignore HelloMiss @Whyjustwhywhy they are obviously just trying to wind you up they lack the ability to make a sensible comment.

😂

I am saying that we were sat in a cafe.

Compare a tablespoon to a toddler portion. It’s maybe half the size. So two heaped tablespoons = one toddler portion. Fair?

brother used the spoon to load up a big load of pasta and bolognaise and ate it. As for what DH did or didn’t do - not the point of the post.

Great post.

You say NC but then say he's nowhere else to go. So you need a plan for how to improve things.

And your husband needs to use his words.

I understand that next time it will be something else. But what other options are there?

It's unusual for a M&S coffee shop to have spare cutlery lying on the table, had it not been cleared properly ?
Usually the cutlery is brought with the meal or you collect it yourself after paying.

Or did other people in your group of 5 have something to eat as well ? and not just ds ?

If you’ve had no sleep, OP, then that may be playing a part; for me, molehills can easily feel like mountains when I’m shattered. However, you also say this is the straw that broke the camel’s back — and that makes sense (although without knowing what’s come before, it’s hard for anyone else to judge if it’s reasonable or not). It sounds to me as though you’re struggling with having your brother to stay — perhaps even resent it/him a bit. Did you have a say in him coming, or did you feel duty bound to offer and are now regretting it? Either way, I think you should sleep on it before doing something as drastic as going NC — but ultimately it’s your call, and only you really know how close you are to the end of your tether. (Sorry for all the idioms, BTW…)

Thanks for that compassionate post, I am struggling a lot with various events, my DS behaviour is terrible and it does seem to coincide with brother showing up. But DH thinks I am wrong, and that’s making me feel a bit not listened to.

Where he got the cutlery from has absolutely nothing to do with whether the OP was unreasonable.

Literally nothing.

I know you keep saying that DH's behavior isn't the issue but it honestly seems like it is part of the problem.
Having an adult with additional support needs in your home and under your care is a massive extra responsibility.
Trying to do this alongside another adult who doesn't share your need for boundaries is going to be nearly impossible.
It is okay to say "no, I can't do this long term. I will support you in the very short term and help you move on. But you can't stay long term in my house DB"
You don't have to go no contact just move him back out of your house and active care.

Some of the reactions on here are just weird. If only we were all perfect. Sometimes things have happened to me that I've been too shocked or too embarrassed to say anything about. OPs DP didn't see a big problem with it so why would he have said anything.

OP I would broach it with brother and just say it like you e said here, how would he feel if someone twice his size stole half his lunch. People do strange things sometimes. I wouldn't go NC over it u less there's a big backstory but I would broach it with him

When you went to change your DS's nappy, had your DS finished eating? Or did you take him off to mid meal? Or before he had even touched his meal?

If he had finished eating then YABU.

If he was mid meal or hadn't started then YANBU but your DH should have stopped him.

So your brother is very much disabled by his neurological condition.

your dc is impacted by him negatively? how?

if it’s one (large) spoonful of spaghetti then you are being unreasonable. And all the talk of imaging someone double your size taking your food is really a bit much. we all steal our kids’ food. And unless he literally took a spoonful of food out of your kid’s hand and put it into his own mouth, then no it is not a big deal. If he does it again just tell him not to do it.

if he’s doing lots of things that are negative and upsetting your child and this is just one of them then youre not unreasonable for being irritated but you’re unreasonable for not explaining the other things and focusing so heavily on a bowl of pasta.

we all steal our kids’ food

Speak for yourself, that certainly never happened in our home and I’d have stabbed anyone’s hand with a fork that tried to. Anyone is welcome to leftovers after the meal is finished but someone taking food or trying to take food from anyone’s plate while they are eating is bizarre, rude and lacking in basic manners.

This is a really good post, @Whyjustwhywhy. As are this poster's other contributions.

This is also worth another read, OP.

Possibly but I can’t do much about DH

@Whyjustwhywhy why is it your responsibility to house a 45 year old man who should know better than to steal food from a toddler's plate??

Why not? Does he ignore your concerns if you explain them to him? Would he not cooperate with you in setting boundaries for your brother?

Him taking the lunch was not on but not serious enough to break contact over. You are coming across quite rudely though to people you are asking for help from.

Just dismisses most things I say.

The only posts I’ve been rude to are posts that are also rude.

Obviously he should have said,'What are you doing? Get off his dinner'

Not rocket science

Welcome to Mumsnet.

This sounds like the weird post about someone's ILs helping themselves to the OPs child's leftovers without asking.

Just remind your brother of this if he asks for favours again, say its not ok