To confront family tension due to how I feed my baby?

[Chunkychips23]

I’ve always had a great relationship with my MIL. I adored her and we’d regularly spend time together up until my pregnancy became high risk. I spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital for monitoring due to complications and the need to be ready to deliver my baby at a moments notice.

On one of the days I was allowed home for the day, she popped over to visit. She asked me out of the blue how I was planning to feed my baby. I answered I was going to try breastfeeding but wouldn’t beat myself up if I didn’t like it/couldnt do it. She went off on one, which was so out of character. She said that I’d be selfish to breastfeed as nobody else would be able to feed baby, I’d get no support, young women do it just for attention, it starves babies, she formula fed all of her children and they were fine, none of her other grandkids were BF and they turned out ok so why do I need to be so special - she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed. I was so confused that I’d said something wrong, I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera to see if I’d said something particularly triggering. I honestly don’t care how people feed or have fed their babies. You do what works/worked best for you and your baby. Fed is best! Formula fed babies are just as happy and healthy as BF babies. I really don’t see what the big deal is!

Fast forward to baby’s arrival. We’d asked for no visitors in the hospital as we didn’t know how I’d be after surgery. I did have a massive haemorrhage so was quite unwell, but MIL turned up to hospital anyway. I felt obliged to allow her in, but I was in a rough way. As soon as she arrived, she picked up the baby and commented on how he was so small, I’d need to formula feed him to make sure he didn’t starve, but I was ‘one of them’ so wouldn’t. (Baby was born purposely prematurely to save both of our lives, so was tiny) I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. My DH said that we’d need to keep the visit short as he wanted to ensure I got rest and time to bond with our baby. MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway.

I put all that aside and tried to keep our relationship as normal as possible. I’d send her regular pictures and baby updates. As she lives close by, she’d pop over regularly and unannounced, expecting to be hosted. 3 days postpartum she walked in, took baby out of my arms and told me to put the kettle on and dig out the biscuits (DH had nipped to the supermarket - I could barely walk!) Every single time, I was met with negative comments. Baby become jaundiced and that was my fault as I was starving him. If only I put my own selfish desires to breastfeed on the back burner, I’d have a healthy baby. I was still very weak post delivery so really didn’t have the energy to say anything back. As baby wasn’t sleeping through the night (what brand new newborn does?!) she said I’d be begging her to help by the end of the week and she’d be happy to help me with formula feeding. On top of this, she bombarded my DH with messages about it saying she was concerned I wasn’t thinking of my child and just wanted to show off (I never BF in front on anyone but my DH or own DM)

I then started to get messages from my DH’s family trying to discourage me from BF. MIL was making out to the family that I was struggling to BF and being pressured into continuing (I really wasn’t, it was just the option that was working best for me and baby) It was so bizarre and stressful. DH stepped in and asked him family to back off.

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable. DH asked MIL to wash her hands before holding baby and she said ‘well I thought breastfeeding was superior and gave superhuman abilities against germs’

Over Christmas, she had a large family gathering and my DH and I made the decision it was best for baby to not to go, due to being a few weeks old and MIL’s hostility towards BF. I’d have been very uncomfortable trying to feed baby in her home and I wasn’t able to pump much at that stage to have enough for a few bottle feeds. I was made out to be horrible and blocking her family from seeing baby and DH should have just taken baby and gone via the shop to get formula and there would have been no issue. Baby was premature and vulnerable. Even if I wasn’t BF, we’d have made the same decision to keep baby away from large gatherings. I was mocked at that gathering, leaving my DH and SD feeling really uncomfortable and upset.

Months later she is still obsessed. Constantly asking about babies weight and comparing my DC to her formula fed ones. I pump so DH can give baby a bottle every now and then and the one time he did that in front of her, she got her phone out and started filming, then sat there sending it off to whoever, laughing. She tried to get my SD onside by saying ‘doesn’t it bother you that you can’t feed your baby sibling’ - SD was confused and said ‘no, why would it’ Ugh, it was just so uncomfortable!

I’ve just had enough of the comments. From accusations of starving my baby to trying to shame me in front of her family. Everything from ‘he wants a bottle, look, he’s begging for it’ to ‘you’re a smelly baby, mummy obviously doesn’t eat properly as BF baby poo isn’t supposed to smell’ and ‘you can stop doing it now. There is no benefits to BF past two weeks, now it’s just for attention’

I feel like I need to have a conversation with her about this, as I’m so tired of just having to ignore her and not respond, so I don’t risk upsetting her. I’ve had months of relentless digs and comments. My baby is happy, healthy and meeting milestones.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded. She’s has access to baby whenever she’s wanted and I’ve not stopped her forming a bond with him. But for my sanity, I feel like I need to sit down with her and talk this through. DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

this sounds like your MIL is incredibly triggered by breast feeding- perhaps she was pressured not to do it or couldn’t and is jealous. I mean whatever her ISSUE this is INSANE.

please don’t tolerate one single more second of this. You are a LITERAL HERO for continuing with all these people trying to get in your head and insult your supply. I am in awe of you.

FWIW you don’t have to support her relationship with your child if she’s not acting in their best interest eg not washing hands etc. you aren’t an incubator. You are the mother. You are a BIG DEAL. Huge.
and you and post natal and vulnerable. Especially after a traumatic birth. HOW DARE THEY treat you like this.

1. dont answer the door to her unless you want to see her. Tell her to plan visits. On the grounds feeding won’t be mentioned. If it is- she needs to leave and mean it.
2. DH follows same rules.
3. find some nicer people. Have u been to a bf group where you can get some community?

good luck with this. She sounds unhinged. I’m sure there will be other issues.

you DH needs to tell her to back off and no visits without him.

Well she certainly has a bee in her bonnet about this! Maybe she is envious because she didn't get the support she needed to BF, or more likely it's that back in the day, young mums were told BF wasn't 'nice', and that nice girls didn't do it. Also, there's no money in it, is there? So formula was pushed. Of course BF is best - it's individually tailored to your baby and his/her needs. Modified cows' milk is not superior. But yes, breast or bottle doesn't matter much in the long-term as the child grows, and families have to do what suits them. Keep doing what you're doing. I see absolutely no point in confronting her. When she has a dig, just repeat "it suits us" every time, and change the subject. Oh, and a heavy baby is not necessarily "better". Stick with it and don't let the bastards grind you down x

You need to stop letting her walk all over you.She is a spiteful bitch.Your baby does not need someone in his life who bullies his mummy.

You sound like you are trying so hard with the breastfeeding and it's a lovely thing to do if you can, although its good you realise formula feeding is okay too if need be.She is clearly jealous as it didn't work out for her.
Give her an ultimatum- she stops with the comments and accepts the situation, or you and baby won't be around her.

MILs can really turn nasty when grandchildren arrive.It was the beginning of the end for my relationship with mine I'm afraid, which is now non existent.

So pleased your own mum is there to advise you.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

No, you wouldn't be unreasonable to confront her.

Have your say in how you feel and if she doesn't like it tell her that's for her to deal with and in no uncertain terms will she change your mind in feeding your DC in whichever way you see fit.

How awful. Can you ask Health Visitor to visit & ask MIL to come round?!

The next time she says something to you, reply with "are you okay? That's such a strange thing to say"
Wouldn't even bother with the bf facts, I'd respond again with, "that wasn't a helpful comment" or "was it necessary to say that?"

Not everything has to be shut the door, confrontational arguments. Sometimes a simple response can change things.
I bf for 3 years, preterm nicu baby. Never outside the house though. I know my mil would love to say all those things to me but wouldn't dare. I'm pregnant with twins and was already asked how I'll feed them.

Just tell her straight your breasts are actually designed to feed your baby so you will you use them... Leave the room every time she says anything..

This, a thousand times over, added to which, tell your Dh she is not coming over again unless he has proper words with her. I wouldn’t be surprised if this contributes to post part up depression, she’s been seriously batshit over the whole issue.

Oh God that's absolutely awful OP. This is relentless verbal abuse plain and simple, if it wasn't a family member I'd call it harassment. Blaming a mother for her baby being jaundiced is twisted and wicked. What a fucking awful woman.

There are some absolute nuts about, my ex MIL told me to give my son solids from two months.

I was unable to BF my two and the negative comments I got about formula feeding from relatives to strangers was unreal and really upset me at a time I felt vulnerable. It is beyond me why people feel a need to weigh in when we’re just doing our best - we all want to see our babies thrive.

do not put up with this any longer! Your DH needs to step the fuck up and MIL needs a wake up call or she won’t have any kind of relationship with you or the baby.

Well, she’s a first class cunt isn’t she?

I don’t know how you haven’t blown your top over this. Stop being so passive about it and call her out about it every single time she says anything. She’s continuing because nobody has had the balls to put her back in her box.

It’s crazy you’ve let it go on beyond the first couple of comments. I’d be telling her that’s enough in no uncertain terms. Not sure why everyone thinks this is down to your husband alone. Yes, he should say something, but if were me, I’d have cut it off very early on. No one would dare speak to me like that.

I often have some sympathy with the MILs discussed on MN and think the DIL is being inflexible. Not in this case. The MIL is being completely unreasonable. Yes, I would have this out with her. Tell her you are sad that things have become strained between you but that you are feeling bullied by the constant criticism and if she keeps it up she won't be welcome to visit. Hope your husband will be onside with this.

Why would you let your MIL constantly publicly criticise you? I would absolutely
call her out every single time. Stop being such a push over.

I think you’ve done well to put up with this for so long, but now is the time for action. Confront her and tell her that while she is making these vile comments and bent on belittling you, she is not welcome in your home and won’t get over the doorstep. She needs to know that this is your baby not hers, you don’t care how she fed her own children, and that you’re continuing to breastfeed until you’re ready to wean. If she doesn’t like it she doesn’t get to to see the baby. And you and DH need to present a united front on this or she will try and use him to drive a wedge between you. If you let her get away with such horrible, spiteful behaviour, this will only be the start - every aspect of your parenting will be picked apart and shared with family.

I wouldn't even be letting DH take the baby to see her, on his own. Because you can almost guarantee she'd be shoving a bottle straight into the Baby's mouth and DH wouldn't dare say anything to her or stop her

My mil was fuming because dc needing me meant she wasn't number 1...she used to walk dc round shhhing them saying they weren't hungry because that meant she had to admit the dc needed me not her... Very awful woman in general.. She also took toys off dc as older babies as they should have just been happy sat on her knee...

Example of other batshittery was no ds's without a nappy on or they would get sexual feelings....

Could the health visitor have a word with her? Maybe that is a bit late though now.

I would be keeping screenshots of everything she says and cutting her off. If she makes problems for you with other people have the screenshots ready to show. Let her know you will show them.

I’d send her one final message.

”Drop your shitty behaviour or you won’t see the baby again.”

Your dh should have stopped this immediately, but I get it, my husband would probably watch his mother Murder me and not say anything to upset her.

Which is why I have take it in my own hands and I would have sent the above message long before now and cut all contact. she’s treating you like shit. Don’t let her.

You’ve been incredibly understanding and accommodating. Someone in the family needs to have a firm word with her to stop interfering in your parenting choices - not just this but everything that comes afterwards because if she has a problem with bf she will have lots of unhelpful opinions about weaning and everything else. If she won’t stop then just cut her out, she’s undermining you as the mother and ultimately this will impact on your confidence and relationship with your baby.

I have experienced similar treatment although not as utterly vile as your MIL. There were clearly some unresolved issues/misplaced guilt around her failure to bf and difficulty in seeing me succeed in that. Eventually a family member had a firm word, the meddling and comments stopped and our relationship very gradually improved back to normal.

“Your words are making my motherhood journey really difficult”

or something to that affect. I think older female generations sometimes feel a huge urge to impart wisdom and knowledge to new mothers which can sometimes be lovely but sometimes be completely overwhelming.

Op, i hrtft but Jesus that's awful. Your mil is so far out of line she can't even see the line its so far off in the distance.

You're exhausted and recovering and this, this is a DH job and it goes like this.

"Mum, I've stood by and watched for months now as you've made negative, belittling, judgemental comments to my wife, criticising her choices in how she feeds our child and it's unacceptable. I won't tolerate it any more. Either you stop it completely immediately or we will have to limit our contact with you because its becoming so toxic. I won't hear any excuses, I've said my piece, what you do next is up to you but I will not have you bully and undermine my wife any more. If you want to remedy this you need to apologise and be respectful going forwards. End of conversation."

My mum and sister were very negative about my decision to bf. It made it really hard to talk to them about any parenting issues because they brought everything back to bf. I eventually just stopped talking to them about it but they also don't get ds alone etc now as a result since I can't trust them to respect my parenting decisions. You reap what you sow, when you are rude to the parent you don't get access to the baby.

Her information is outdated and incorrect and I recommend you join a local bf support group for peer support about her and anything else that comes up.

Your dh has to step up here in the firmest way.

What was her relationship like with her previous DIL? Were your stepchildren breastfed?