Friend that constantly talks about herself

[lomplan]

I have a friend that talks about herself all the time. She calls me often and the entire time is just me listening to her talk, when I try to talk about stuff going on in my life it's rare that she seems interested.

We met up yesterday and it was just the same again, 90% of the conversation and talking was her. I'm a very active listener, but she is the complete opposite when I'm talking.

Do I say something? It's boring and exhausting.

She texts and calls me a lot and we have meet ups arranged but I really can't be arsed anymore.

I'm not sure how to navigate this without upsetting her?

She clearly doesn’t really care about upsetting you, so I wouldn’t worry too much about upsetting her.

She seems totally oblivious to it, though.

Slowly reduce the amount of time you spend with her or speak to her. Or just tell her she’s on transmit mode all the time.

I have a friend like this. Whatever we start talking about always ends with her interrupting and talking about her and her family instead. It's bloody irritating!
We aren't as close anymore because we met through our children being at school together and they're much older now but I just can't be arsed to tolerate it now.

Stop wasting your precious time with this person. I had a friend like that . It self- centered.

I'm in the same boat! Will be seeing my friend in the week and am gently going to mention it. If she is not aware, then she can't do anything about it, so I hope by being kind and honest she will see what I am saying. If not, I would be sorry to lose such an old friend, but I just feel so "unheard" and bored with the dynamic that something has to change. I completely get that there will be times in a friendship that one person maybe needs to offload more than the other, but there rarely seems the opportunity for the conversation to be more balanced or focus on me for once. Grrr!! Wish me luck!

Some people are just like that. I have two that probably couldn't tell you my dch's names, because they always only talk about themselves. The thing about being on transmit all the time and never on receive is true. I would gradually reduce the contact to an annual occasional phone call.

Surely most people talk about themselves as that’s what they know. You want her to talk less about herself so you can talk about yourself? Don’t you just go back and forth?

Person 1: dd wants to go to x uni to study x and y.
Person 2 with dc same age: “oh cool, ds is looking at x uni but I’m not sure he’ll get the grades.”
Person 1: has he got a back up?
Conversation has naturally turned to person 2, not because person is awful but because you raised something that’s also relevant to them.

can’t you just counter with your info/updates? Some active listeners are really closed and give very little to make a conversation so the other person talks about what they know that links - which will be about their lives as that’s what they know. If you’re so passive, how can they talk about you without interrogating you.

I think this is the way to go.
She can't change it if she doesn't realise it.
I have a terrible habit of agreeing with people enthusiastically, which generally involves me saying oh ME TOO! And giving an example. Which I then worry about afterwards, that I've been overbearing.
Give her a chance to change her ways before cutting her out.

I had a friend like this. I no longer see her, I just let the friendship drift.

Either you don't have much life experience or you're lucky that none of your friends are like this. I know two people who will never listen and hog each and every conversation. I'm slowly phasing them out because it's just draining. They always have the whole world against themselves too for some reason 🙄.

You have my sympathies OP. My MIL is like this and it’s been raised to her a couple of times, she doesn’t appreciate it though. Flat out denies she does it.

Just slowly fade out OP. There's no changing "friends" like that.

Ha ha ha. Either you have never met someone like the OP is talking about, or you are that person.

I have a friend like this, we both 49 and we have been friends since 16. I am an extreme introvert, I quite like listening although it's abit sad that the things she interested about me was rather selective. Sometimes it's unbearable, she can talk about herself for over an hour non stop, I had to find excuses to hang up the phone, she can easier continue if I dont. I think this is the reason she nevers had a successful date, the dream of being a wife/mother is long gone, it has been a very difficult journey for her to come to terms with it. I feel incredibly sad for her too 😞

People do change, she started to ask me questions few years ago, how my life is , my work, sometimes my kids, I get to talk 30% of the time! :) I am glad I stayed around, she is still a friend who I can go to :)

Been there, no fun. An old friend used me as a sounding board daily for 8 years about everything in her life, including deeply personal issues like her 5 rounds of IVF. I did nothing but give way to her in conversation because I wanted to support her through a torrid time in her life, but every single message and call was about her. The kicker was when IVF worked and her life turned a corner to begin the next chapter she cut me off, no longer needed me as i wasnt a mother myself. Can't begin to tell you how hurtful that was. Set boundaries, and just be rather busy if you to need to scale back. Good luck!

can’t you just counter with your info/updates?

I was going to say this. Some people expect others to sort of fire info back into the conversation.

Did you mean to give an example of what Op is talking about?!
person 1 was talking then person 2 very quickly made it all about them!!

I never understand this.

So in the above convo person 2 is expected to listen while person 1 tells them about their DD uni without any input at all.
So person 1 hogs the conversation but if person 2 joins in " its all about them" 😂
Batshit!

@TeenLifeMum

that’s a perfect example of person 2 making it all about themself!

The correct response would be:

that’s amazing, did she visit Edinburgh/Bristol/Leeds?

How exciting, do they have a preference for x or y?

gosh that’s interesting, are they feeling confident about getting the grades?

not to start talking about your DC!!

I used to be your friend but have got better at shutting up now. I feel bad for my past self's friends.

I don't think it's is always a lack of interest, it can be a mixture of nervousness, discomfort with silence, bad manners, anxiety, an assumption that someone quiet is happy saying less; but also some people just aren't interested of course.
I was usually talking the latest crisis which elevates a rude person's sense of entitlement.
I'm not defending anything. But assertive responses can waylay a steam rolling talker.
Good luck and I feel bad on her behalf.
You could also say something or just edit out gently, it's a consequence of her own actions

So person 1 hogs the conversation but if person 2 joins in " its all about them" 😂
Batshit!

You can’t seriously be interpreting one comment as “hogging the conversation” versus person two taking a new topic and immediately - without any real acknowledgement - start talking about their own DC.

they walk amongst us

TeenLifeMum

I used to have a friend who was like the OPs. It's not as simple as that.

She would monologue for hours. Literally. She would tell me something. I would respond. She would tell something else. I would ask a question. She would answer it. Her contributions were lengthy details descriptions of something eg about her partner or one of her children or someone she knew. I would tell her something about myself. She would ignore it completely or go. "Huh," and then continue talking about herself or someone else she knew at length.

I could tell by her face that she wasn't even listening to me, she was thinking about whatever she was going to say next. They weren't conversations but extended monologues on her part into which I would occasionally interject something about myself, and she would ignore.

No
Do keep up

Essentially everyone thinks they are right In the situation above which I find ironic

I know alot of people like this and I actively avoid them! It’s really selfish!!
I always make a point of asking lots of questions as well as sharing information.