Friend that constantly talks about herself

[lomplan]

I have a friend that talks about herself all the time. She calls me often and the entire time is just me listening to her talk, when I try to talk about stuff going on in my life it's rare that she seems interested.

We met up yesterday and it was just the same again, 90% of the conversation and talking was her. I'm a very active listener, but she is the complete opposite when I'm talking.

Do I say something? It's boring and exhausting.

She texts and calls me a lot and we have meet ups arranged but I really can't be arsed anymore.

I'm not sure how to navigate this without upsetting her?

Well I’m ND, it’s just how I was born. It’s not a character flaw.

@PegasusReturns i don’t think conversation is one person talking while the other asks a string of questions. I guess we’re all different and some more compatible than others. Be dull if we were all the same. I don’t really want to go out with a friend and have to question them on their chosen topic even if I have knowledge on it and feel I’m not allowed to disclose the knowledge. It’s about balance.

i did have an ex friend who came to my house for 2 hours, spoke at me then left. I did distance from her as she wasn’t interested in me, just wanted to brag. Not a balanced conversation, but then she did speak first so maybe I was wrong.

Simon Farnaby played a character known as "Void" in Here we Go this week, because it was like talking into a void when you spoke to him. He never asked questions to show interest in anyone else, only talked about himself.

I didn't say it was.
It is a ND characteristic in some cases and I was actually offering it as an alternative to someone being self obsessed or a bore.

But they’re not showing any interest.

they say oh cool and start talking about their own DC.

showing interest would be asking any of the questions I pointed out in my first post, eg making enquiries about have they visited, do they have a preference for either of the two subjects they interested in or whether they’re feeling confident about getting the grades?

one paltry question isn’t an interview it’s showing interest. You ask a question or two and receive an answer and then you can talk about your own DC/ experience. Although if your conversation partner is also self aware they’ll answer your question and then ask after your DC.

if someone tells you they went to Istanbul last week you surely don’t respond with “oh yeah I went there is 2020, great food but weather was uncharacteristically awful”. You ask them where they stayed, what they enjoyed, did they have fun etc etc. and if you really do go straight to your own experience you are definitely a bore and the type of person that most people plead not to be sat next to.

@PegasusReturns genuine question, why would you not mention that you’d been there? I’d be more likely to respond with something like, oh we went there last year, loved it, where did you stay?

I feel very uncomfortable when it turns out that someone actually knows a lot about what they’ve been asking me but has kept it to themselves. Like they’re not interested in being friendly, they’re just gathering information about you or something.

As I say it’s a genuine question. Why would you not offer any information if you had it?

@WittyMotherhoodRelatedPun that’s how I see it, but now wonder if I’m pissing people off.

to me, friend says I went to Paris last August, it’s fine to reply oh we went in July - gorgeous but so hot! Where did you stay? …. Oh we stayed near liberty square and loved it…

Witty - maybe we should hang out? 😂

i don’t think conversation is one person talking while the other asks a string of questions @TeenLifeMum nor do I, what gave you that idea?

A conversation is give and take. But the fact that you offered by way of example the worst case of “give and take” is somewhat extraordinary. You could have given any example and the one you picked was someone immediately turning the conversation to them.

Proof I guess that some people don’t realise how appallingly self centred they are.

I have a friend like this.
So much has happened in my life that she knows nothing about because she doesn’t ask or listen. I dread receiving messages from her because it’s always long monologues without a single question. The kicker for me was when she ‘forgot’ about a serious illness I had and was in the process of recovering from. I very rarely meet up with her in person these days.
People like this don’t really want a friend, they just want attention. It’s like they treat real life like they are making a status update on social media and have forgotten how to have a conversation.

@TeenLifeMum I think we should 😂 This is how I talk with all my friends. Perhaps we’re all doing it wrong?!?

(But seriously: perhaps we ARE all conversing in an atypical way. After all, we do tend to seek out people who are like us. As long as we’re all happy then I suppose I don’t see the harm.)

ironically this is an exact example of what OP is talking about though! People who immediately bring any conversation back to THEM and THEIR DC and THEIR job and THEIR holidays etc 😂

In your scenario, person 1 brought up the topic of conversation, so person 2 just replying with a bored acknowledgement and then immediately changing the subject to THEIR kid was being rude and, as pp's explained, stuck to 'transmit' rather than 'receive.' The polite thing would have been for person 2 to a) show some enthusiasm and b) ask person 1 a question (or engage in some way) about said topic, i.e. in your example 'Ooh that's exciting, why did they choose there?' or 'Wow that's a really good uni, well done them, are you nervous about them being so far away though?' ' etc.

THEN once they've spoken about that for a few minutes person 1 would usually ask 'and how about your DC, where are they thinking of? THEN it's person 2's time to talk.

If you think your example is a good example of a shared conversation you might want to take a step back and survey your friends next time you chat to see if you're hogging the conversation without meaning to.

@WittyMotherhoodRelatedPun It’s quite amazing I have friends 🤷🏻‍♀️

The people I know who do this are not neurodiverse or insecure. They are very content with their lives and enjoy showing off to all and sundry because they are selfish and genuinely believe they are fascinating and dynamic individuals.

Sympathy OP but I don't know what can be done. If you can't or don't have to accept it then the only option is to reduce contact, because these people don't change.

I had a friend like this and she only got worse. She turned out to be extremely toxic. My DM is not much better - takes a cursory interest in me before making the entire event/conversation/whatever about her. It's quite impressive when you stand back and observe how they do it. But not much fun.

@WittyMotherhoodRelatedPun

I understand the discomfort about someone not disclosing that they know a lot about the subject and agree it would be rude to let someone wax lyrical without specifying you had some knowledge. But it definitely doesn’t need to be done in the first response.

your example “we went in June, where did you stay” is not an awful one, you do ask a question but I think it’s always nicer to start with a questions.

conversations then develop and there’s less rigidity but in lulls asking a question is always better than talking about yourself

@easylikeasundaymorn I deliberately gave an example like the op because it’s normal in my world. Yesterday I met a friend and I said “I’ve sorted DD’s prom dress” and she said “I thought it would be a nightmare because dd is 6’3” but actually it was okay.” I went on to ask where she found the dress and she talked about it in detail. I didn’t talk about DD’s because we walked into the shop, tried 3 on and she chose the first one… not much of a conversation from my part but friend had a trickier experience. At no point did it occur to me she’d selfishly turned the conversation around to be about her. I just find that an odd leap. Maybe it depends on the conversation as a whole. But, like I said, we’re all different so hang out with people you want to hang out with but don’t police other’s because different people like different approaches.

I've got adhd and I can be like that-I hate it but can't help it

I had a friend like this. It was always the same shit as well, like always picking over the same problems. I saw them again recently after not seeing them for a while and it really hit me in the face how dull their company was! Just be too busy to chat when she phones, or unavailable to meet. I expect she’ll leave you alone once she realises she can’t just verbally dump on you all the time!

I know a few people like this. It’s very draining.

I've just remembered that my husband and I call these two 'friends' the 'energy vampires' after we saw an episode of What We Do in the Shadows where they describe someone just like that.

Surely the point is it gets irritating if people turn every conversation to themselves?

@pensione i guess with my friends we bounce back and forth so it feels very equal. Works for us but it never feels one sided. Sitting listening to one person talk about something you have knowledge on and not mentioning it feels odd to me. If 2 people visited the same place surely you share experiences. I don’t see why the first person to choose a topic then dominates the conversation because person 2 isn’t allowed to mention any link they may have.

I vividly remember some years ago at a previous workplace, we all got called into a meeting where a massive round of redundancies was announced. It was a big shock.

But as we were all walking back to our desks and lots of us were giving out opinions on what had been announced and how things might pan out, my colleague as usual changed the direction of conversation to her and the night out she had just had and how several men had told her how attractive she had looked. Etc etc. And nobody could get a word in for ages.

Then before we all knew it, the rest of us had politely let her go on and on for ages and not had a chance to talk about the really important announcement that affected all our lives considerably. I can’t even recall how we’d let that happen, she just somehow took over.

I think it’s just, I dunno, a skill some people have to make it acceptable that what they say is more important.

Yes my dd has been diagnosed. I can't afford to get me diagnosed so I assume it's a possibility but I'll have to get by with pinching myself and trying to avoid conversations wherever possible!

I do try and do exactly this, but she'll do a quite "yeah" or "right" and then it's straight back on to her.