Page 5 | Friend that constantly talks about herself

lomplan · 2024-03-02T13:09:55+00:00

I have a friend that talks about herself all the time. She calls me often and the entire time is just me listening to her talk, when I try to talk about stuff going on in my life it's rare that she seems interested. We met up yesterday and it was just the same again, 90% of the conversation and talking was her. I'm a very active listener, but she is the complete opposite when I'm talking. Do I say something? It's boring and exhausting. She texts and calls me a lot and we have meet ups arranged but I really can't be arsed anymore. I'm not sure how to navigate this without upsetting her?

Greenpolkadot · 05/03/2024 18:38

I sat with an elderly friend this afternoon where she went through her weekend with the family in minute detail and repeated it again
straight after.
She is a lovely friend and is kindness itself especially as my dh has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer.
Sometimes you just have to suck it up but I have to admit it does get a bit mind numbing

Runsyd · 13/06/2024 11:46

SameNameNoGain · 02/03/2024 17:18

I used to be a magnet to these types as I was eager to please and have good active listening skills, so they'd flock to me! You get to a point though where you start to weigh up what you're actually gaining from the friendship. Unless they are exceptionally funny or generous or good fun I wouldn't put up with it anymore. It's frankly boring to listen to hour monolgues about people's kids you've never met or a detailed itinery of their holiday plans, whereas they don't spend 5 minutes asking after your family or know anything about you.

Same. Coming from a toxic childhood with lots of trauma, I attracted narc friends like a dog attracts fleas. Gradually shed the lot of them over the years, and most were the type to talk endlessly about themselves, then look slightly annoyed if I ever brought up anything about myself. I can't believe it took me decades in some cases to realise how toxic a dynamic it was, and to examine why I was putting up with it.

Runsyd · 13/06/2024 12:07

TeenLifeMum · 02/03/2024 18:16

@easylikeasundaymorn I deliberately gave an example like the op because it’s normal in my world. Yesterday I met a friend and I said “I’ve sorted DD’s prom dress” and she said “I thought it would be a nightmare because dd is 6’3” but actually it was okay.” I went on to ask where she found the dress and she talked about it in detail. I didn’t talk about DD’s because we walked into the shop, tried 3 on and she chose the first one… not much of a conversation from my part but friend had a trickier experience. At no point did it occur to me she’d selfishly turned the conversation around to be about her. I just find that an odd leap. Maybe it depends on the conversation as a whole. But, like I said, we’re all different so hang out with people you want to hang out with but don’t police other’s because different people like different approaches.

It's fine though when it's an occasional thing. It's when it's a consistent pattern of behaviour that it becomes a problem.

SameNameNoGain · 13/06/2024 12:09

Runsyd · 13/06/2024 11:46

Same. Coming from a toxic childhood with lots of trauma, I attracted narc friends like a dog attracts fleas. Gradually shed the lot of them over the years, and most were the type to talk endlessly about themselves, then look slightly annoyed if I ever brought up anything about myself. I can't believe it took me decades in some cases to realise how toxic a dynamic it was, and to examine why I was putting up with it.

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Ha! Toxic childhood and plenty of associated trauma too - double tick. Think I turned myself into a vehicle for others to get their needs met whilst ignoring my own. The realisation that you've been used for years is something else and it's quite liberating to get to the shedding stage! I can come across as slightly rude nowadays with anyone who tries to use me as a listening post - I haven't the time for friends to talk at me anymore whilst not going to the bother of asking about my life or family. I attended a birthday party a couple of months back and was sat next to a stranger who actually understood the art of conversation - an easy back and forth flow of chat and a mutual level of interest in what the other had to say. This person found out more about me in an hour than old friends had in years. It was lovely to be reminded that not everyone is a narcissistic, self absorbed twat!

Runsyd · 13/06/2024 17:00

SameNameNoGain · 13/06/2024 12:09

Ha! Toxic childhood and plenty of associated trauma too - double tick. Think I turned myself into a vehicle for others to get their needs met whilst ignoring my own. The realisation that you've been used for years is something else and it's quite liberating to get to the shedding stage! I can come across as slightly rude nowadays with anyone who tries to use me as a listening post - I haven't the time for friends to talk at me anymore whilst not going to the bother of asking about my life or family. I attended a birthday party a couple of months back and was sat next to a stranger who actually understood the art of conversation - an easy back and forth flow of chat and a mutual level of interest in what the other had to say. This person found out more about me in an hour than old friends had in years. It was lovely to be reminded that not everyone is a narcissistic, self absorbed twat!

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They're so few and far between, aren't they though? I have tried numerous times over the last decade or so to make new friends, and nine times out of ten when I go to a meet up or club or something, I'm stuck next to someone who just monologues about themselves and doesn't ask a single question in return. I'm a novelist, and even when I joined a book club and the host mentioned what I do, no one in five years of attendance ever asked me a single thing about what I was writing. It was quite extraordinary, given they were presumably interested in books! I've come to the conclusion that the vast majority of people are completely self-absorbed.

SameNameNoGain · 14/06/2024 11:47

Runsyd · 13/06/2024 17:00

They're so few and far between, aren't they though? I have tried numerous times over the last decade or so to make new friends, and nine times out of ten when I go to a meet up or club or something, I'm stuck next to someone who just monologues about themselves and doesn't ask a single question in return. I'm a novelist, and even when I joined a book club and the host mentioned what I do, no one in five years of attendance ever asked me a single thing about what I was writing. It was quite extraordinary, given they were presumably interested in books! I've come to the conclusion that the vast majority of people are completely self-absorbed.

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Absolutely! I don't have the answer unfortunately - there are obviously those of us around that like to engage in proper 2 way conversation, but how we find each other I don't know! In your example above, as a total bookworm I would have been fascinated to meet someone like you and get the ' inside scoop' on the writing process. How could they not be interested!? 🤷 I'm mostly at the stage of knocking friendships on the head nowadays, but admittedly it can get lonely. However, I'd rather take that than be a piece of furniture and talked at.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/06/2024 11:49

Dump the boring bitch, and don’t feel bad about it.