Friend that constantly talks about herself

[lomplan]

I have a friend that talks about herself all the time. She calls me often and the entire time is just me listening to her talk, when I try to talk about stuff going on in my life it's rare that she seems interested.

We met up yesterday and it was just the same again, 90% of the conversation and talking was her. I'm a very active listener, but she is the complete opposite when I'm talking.

Do I say something? It's boring and exhausting.

She texts and calls me a lot and we have meet ups arranged but I really can't be arsed anymore.

I'm not sure how to navigate this without upsetting her?

Yes the advice to just jump in and talk about what you want to doesn't work with these people! They're genuinely not interested in you and no amount of interjecting will work - they'll simply shrug it off or five a glib response and back to them. I suggest you get rid OP. At the end of the day why should you bloody use your time and energy meeting their needs? Life's too short.

I have/had a friend like this. I just try and have as little contact with her as possible, I figured eventually she'll get bored with me if I don't give her the attention she wants.

I had a 'friend' like this. I'd been listening to her monologues for many years and feeling resentful, but pathetically would never express my feelings about it.

Basically this was a dynamic she enjoyed and which I had enabled - so fault on both sides. But eventually I knew something had to give. I decided I had to assert myself and also let her know (as other people were avoiding her like the plague because she'd never shut up talking about herself and her problems with her husband, would continually vent but never do anything about it).

So the next time I saw her, I let her rattle on for a while, waited for her to draw breath, and I then said, 'Have you ever noticed that it seems really difficult for us to have a two-way conversation?' She initially seemed genuinely surprised and replied, 'Oh, did you want to say something? But you're such a good listener. That's why I talk to you.
(Yes, really! 😂)

Although I felt quite anxious I said, 'Yes, I do like to listen AND I also want to contribute to the conversation, but I find it really hard to find the right space to speak.'

Instead of accepting and reflecting on some useful feedback, she left in a huff. 🤦‍♀️
Oh well. No great loss.

Another friend took similar feedback from me really well and, after initially being a bit tearful about it, thanked me for letting her know, and since then has genuinely been making the effort to listen and ask more questions. She also now catches herself when falling back into bad habits. Our interactions are now a lot more enjoyable.

My point is: I actually think more people need to give feedback like this rather than just ghosting the chatterbox or whinging about them to others. It could actually be seen as a kindness to let the talkative person know. And if they don't take it well, that's on them - reducing contact is then a definite opinion at that point.

Anyway, just my two cents' worth, and what worked for me, as I was sick of being a resentful doormat and pretending to be fascinated by blowhards. 😬

@JonHammFan

You handled that brilliantly - good on you for speaking up! Resentment does fester when issues aren't addressed, I know it did in my case. I think it's also mixed up in having a healthy self esteem. At some point I put myself in the role of listener because deep down I didn't think I was interesting enough to be heard and therefore, attracted people who used this vulnerability to exploit me. I've shifted away from these dynamics over time and seek more balanced friendships nowadays where there's give and take. But that's because I've worked in my self esteem and won't allow myself to be taken for granted anymore.

No it's not.

Why on EARTH would you monologue about your DC university journey without acknowledging or being able invite discussion about the fact that your friend IS IN THE SAME SITUATION?

I always find it really strange when I have something in common with a person. And they know they have it in common with me.

Then they lecture me all about it without ever acknowledging once that we share the thing in common, or conversing with me about it rather than talking AT me about it.

Could be anything - both of us having DC who went to the same shit school, both of us removed our DC from said school.

Friend: Long, long monologue all about it. Without managing to weave in conversation openers like "how did you find communication there?"

Just rant, rant, rant, rant, like I'm a brick wall.

See also: people with similarly aged kids monologuing for ages about how hard it is raising kids. Talking AT me. As if I have no idea what it's like being a parent, what with my similar aged kids and all.

People with dogs, telling me all about dog ownership. While I'm there. With a lead on the end of my hand. With my dog on it.

Lots of people lack basic social skills.

I have a friend and a MIL like this. Very nice but they are exhausting. It's not feasible to phase them out.

I actively decided to accept ot instead of getting wound up.

Now I try to see it as time to zone out and plan my tea or something and input with a bland non committal phase like "oh yes/that's exciting/i can see why" that way I dont need to pay attention about their aunts friends uncles mums bad toe for half an hour and I dont feel as resentful.

I've noticed with the friends I really do get on with and have good conversations with there are a lot of questions but on both sides.

Like, friend will get something of her chest and I'm listening actively, just giving cues to show that I'm hearing what she's saying but nothing more at that point. Then she'll ask "do you think that was fair of me? would you have done something differently?"

And the topic is still about her (which is fine by me! I love her and WANT to know what's going on with her) but she has actively invited me to be a participant in the conversation.

That is a very, very different experience to being monologued at.

I had a friend like this and everything she said was always dramatic and exaggerated to make her sound more Interesting, I'm not even sure that most of the stuff she said was even true or she had just fabricated it because she loved being center of attention. In the end i got fed up and drifted away from her, she was exhausting.

@wherethecrawmumsings but in the example, it’s person 2 who monologues.

person 1 makes a comment and person 2 immediately turns the conversation around to them and doesn’t do much as ask one question either before or after.

Personally, I find people who only ever want to talk about themselves really tedious. They’re very rarely the most interesting person at the table either.

My Mum is like this, it's exhausting.
She will drone on about every tiny detail and even the most mundane things are turned into a drama.

We used to talk over Skype a lot and these calls become marathons of her just yakking on without pause. It was so bad that I could go to the loo or outside for half a cigarette and she wouldn't notice I was gone.
My husband used to say 'what did your Mum have to say' and in all honesty I couldn't remember because it was overwhelming.
Added to this. She repeats herself A LOT (no dementia or anything like that).

I started to write bullet points so I could remember everything she said and saw that every topic/story/ anecdote was covered at least 3 times.

She also talks at length about people I don't know, it's infuriating.

I used to have a job where I travelled a fair bit, it was never 'did you have a good time' or 'how was your trip'. Always it would be a complete brain download of what o has missed while I was away.

I rarely share anything about my life now, she's just not interested.

I'm a bit like this, but I'm self aware and make a concerted effort not to do this. It's more I like talking rather than I want to talk about myself and I am genuinely interested in my friends. Anyway, my point is, it's really rude so she sounds like someone who isn't actually interested about you at all

I agree with the poster who said to try and have an honest conversation with your friend about how you are feeling, "I've noticed that I often do most of the listening and you do most of the talking, I'd appreciate if you asked me some questions now and then" - it can be awkward and difficult but also worth it. Some relationships will deepen, others will end. But as long as you are silently fuming and not saying anything, this isn't really a friendship.

I have a friend like this too. She’s going through a lot so I let her get it off her chest but in all honesty I find her a chore.

I like the transmit / receive analogy. I've realised my DH is on transmit constantly and never listens. It's why I'm exhausted.

The way I deal with people who only talk about themselves is not to be friends with them. Not because I don't like hearing about other people, but because it shows that they don't care about you.

I would start declining invitations and phase them out, gradually. If they ask you outright, tell them that you got the impression you were boring them when were you were talking. People who just talk about themselves are very wrapped up in their own insecurity and I always feel very used after interacting with them.

I have one close friend who I suspect is autistic. If I ask her one question she monologues for an hour and a half and I find it very difficult to interject, then when I eventually manage to contribute, the conversation swings back to her a couple minutes later. She doesn’t have many friends. I sense she cares about me deeply but finds conversation skills difficult to navigate. She is a special friend to me but to manage things I tend to see her occasionally rather than routinely.

My MIL also monologued. I can remember meal times in which I would have a two or three minute thing I wanted to tell people about and she just couldn’t let me speak, monologging in such a way I could only ever attempt the first sentence before being cut off. I would then attempt to talk about my thing three or four times but would eventually give up trying.

i also have a specific friend who in group situations would just talk over me when I join in conversations. It made me feel particularly worthless and after it happened multiple times Id just go quiet and withdraw. Then I surprised myself last year and when she interrupted I simply continued talking (marginally louder) so that I finished what I wanted to say to the group. I think she got the hint after a few weeks of this.

Snap. When we meet there is no "conversation" and I use the word lightly until she has done a download of all her news/updates. She also doesn't ask questions and interrupts your answer on the rare occasion she does. So I put a photo from a trip to London on FB but probably a week after we came back so she asked were you there last week so I explained no at half term (I had told her we were away). Most people would have then said oh did you have a good time but no, nothing.

Yes, I have a friend who wouldn't know if I had got married/moved house/given birth to triplets since we last met, because she doesn't ask and I can't get a word in edgeways to mention.

Actually, she does stop part way through to ask about my DC and as soon as I reply: "Oh great thanks, my DD has just got back from Australia and.."

.. "Oh really? My DH's colleagues' next door neighbour went in 1996...They said it was too hot... Oh and the Insects!... I couldn't go there..
We just got back from Centre Parks actually and..." 🤨

No it isn't because that example was given as a way to interrupt a monologue!!!

So person 1 has been monologuing endlessly then starts taking about their dd.

Person 2 then uses that new topic as an opportunity to remind person 1 that they are actually here and to talk about their own life and to be an active participant in the conversation.

I had a friend like this in my early 20s. We'd known each other since childhood, and although she was never a "best friend", we'd always been very good friends. But it had always been all about her. I could regail you for hours about the times she was selfish, socially inept, and frankly, a poor friend.

One of the last times I saw her, she'd just returned from a trip to Thailand. Well, we spent about 3 hours looking through every single photo she'd taken - there were hundreds - and hearing the minute details of what the photo was, the context, the people etc. I couldn't get a word in edgeways.

I think I saw her one more time after that, and then she ghosted me. I saw her once, at a school reunion about 13 years ago, where she pretty much ignored me, and I've not heard from her since. I recently got wind that she'd got a job in the same town I live in, so I know she's local.

Mostly I'm annoyed that I put up with years of nonsense from her, yet SHE was the one to do the ghosting! I've never found out, or been able to work out why.

I mean obviously you can't judge a whole conversation on a few sentences, or even a person on just one conversation. In any longer conversation people are never going to talk for the exact same amount of time, if the subject is holidays and 1 friend has just been away and the other hasn't all year it would be natural for the first one to talk more about that topic. Then say the topic switches to jobs and person 2 has more to say. Sometimes you could even have a whole conversation where 1 person does the majority of the speaking, if they have something significant they want to talk about. Some people are naturally quieter so actually prefer others to talk more etc.

Saying all that, yes, tbh, I would have considered your friend a little bit rude if you've introduced a topic, to then immediately turn it to herself and speak at length without any reference to your daughter at all. Even if she'd just asked 'Oh great, what's it like/did it take long?' and then gone on to discuss her version, which was more of a 'story', that would be fine.

But again, as a one-off that doesn't mean anything - the point is if you have met one of these people who are PERMANENTLY on transmit, you will know about it, you won't have to wonder. It's not just a one-off anecdote where they have more to say about the topic than you, it's every single interaction.

I haven’t read through the whole thread, but I’m surprised the majority opinion is essentially to ditch your friend.

Surely friends are there to shine a light on our blind spots and give us an insight into how we are being received. The kindest thing my friends have ever done for me is give me their honesty, whether it’s uncomfortable to hear or not. I too have no qualms offering my friends uncomfortable truths. If the friendship holds any substance, it can withstand a little challenge. The truth is a gift, it’s okay for you to tell her OP, we all have growing edges.

I had a friend like this years ago. She has one daughter and that was her only topic of conversation. When my first baby arrived she barely glanced at her before going on about how wonderful her child was.
I had more children, she didn't. I don't think she knew my children's names, let alone remembered their birthdays yet I would get a call reminding me to get her kids birthday card in the post early!
They moved a few years later. I still get a card and letter at Christmas and Easter telling me all about her (very average sounding) daughter. She is 37 now!!
I am glad they moved away as I think the friendship would have ended years ago.

This!!!!!