Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

So you wouldn’t get a divorce because of this.

What's the difference? Many people have 1 and want 2. 2 and want 3. Other also have boys and want to add girls. Have girls and want to add boys.

It doesn't mean my boys are less than or unwanted. They are more amazing that I could ever have imagined. My world.

Hint. It is because you had a child already otherwise. Primary infertility you obviously wouldn't understand. Anyway I will leave it there.

You were my friend, she was desperate for a girl and had two boys, convinced husband to have a third and ended up pregnant with twin boys!

They are now divorced.

given that you only have a 50% chance of getting a girl, it could go very wrong.

If you can't change the situation, you need to look into the reasons why you desire this child, and deal with your issues in therapy.

What guarantees you find another man, and he wants kids, and you have a daughter? The odds of getting a daughter is actually quite small and you wreck what you have. Get therapy and a female puppy.

I would never leave my husband because I love my family far too much and would never ever put my boys through that. I don't want that.

What I want is to try for a daughter, not a divorce.

I am saying that I am so hurt that resentment is building up and I am having thoughts of divorce.
I can't help how I feel.

And to reply to other comments, no my children are blissfully unaware and have not seen me cry once. I (we) have never ever mentioned this in front of them. And as I have said they are my world and loved beyond measure and they know this.

Who takes responsibility for contraception in your marriage? If it is you, stop doing it. Tell your husband he can wear condoms every time you have sex if he is that set against having another child. You'll probably be pregnant within the year... Of course he might take himself off for a vasectomy but is that likely?

If you had a 3rd and it was a boy you'd likely resent child 3 a lot more than you resent your DH. YOU need therapy, you need to deal with your issues instead of papering over the cracks. You do realise that having a girl isn't going to resolve the resentment for your Mum?

No one needs a 3rd child. It doesn’t matter that in this case you desire a 3rd child in hopes of having a girl. The initial fulfillment that comes from becoming a parent has been met. The further fulfillment from your child having a sibling has been met.

Yes, an additional family member could enrich your lives, but only if it is a goal that you both desire. You have already hit the key life milestones of procreation.

Clearly there's some deeper background to this desire. I never had a girl but always thought I'd want one.
But this is an itch you won't really scratch I'm afraid. Because if you have a 3rd and it is not a boy then even if you think you will be fine. You won't be happy. Because why would 3 boys make you satisfied when 2 boys doesn't give you this missing piece ?
I suspect that you need to explore why this is something that you need so much as PP have suggested

My mum had 3 girls because my dad was keen to try for a third as he would have liked a boy and my mum was happy to have 3 children of any sex, my dad was an amazing dad and we never felt second best. Then I had 2 boys myself and didn’t want a third child. My youngest son has 2 daughters (so far) and I love my grand daughters to absolute bits and indulge my girly side with them ( I would have adored grandsons just as much). So a near 50/50 split is never guaranteed.

I think you need to try to change your mindset. You can't change that your husband doesn't want a third child so you need to take steps to reduce your longing and unhappiness.

I understand the longing to a certain extent. I always wanted a girl, but as a single parent to 2 boys I am at capacity. I have accepted this. I think you ought to get some therapy - relationship counselling maybe.

FWIW my mum always wanted 4 children. She only had 1 for a variety of reasons. She was sad about it for a long time but she said after she went through the menopause she was able to accept it. You will too.

I can't help how I feel.

Bearing in mind you've no way to guarantee you'll ever get a daughter, either with your husband or some other way, you're going to have to. I'd start with trying some kind of therapy or counselling, though don't know what.

I have three children and I can honestly say for quite a while I was closer to my sons that I was my daughter. It is all down to their personalities not their genders. I have BGB.

I doubt there is anything any one can say that means you will change you mind or reach any level of acceptance but I think you need to read all the thread, as I'm sure there will be lots of helpful advice and support in amongst the sharper comments, to try and help yourself.

Whatever happens I hope you are okay.

I know a couple who naturally conceived and gave birth to one boy and then another boy. Lady got pregnant again. Twins! 2 boys lol. Fifth and final child (unexpected) - a girl. I doubt you’ll just keep going until you have a girl though. You don’t know what will happen and unless you’re doing IVF, you can’t pick the sex. Why base the success of your marriage on another pregnancy that might not result in the sex you want?

I always saw myself with 2 children including at least one daughter but had a few failed relationships in my 20s and 30s so didn't meet dh until I was 35 and him 42. We both needed time to heal and date each other before we settled down. Fast forward 3 years after a lot of discussion we decided to try for 1 child knowing that we would stop at one - for a number of reasons but mostly dh feels too old to do this multiple times. While pregnant I told myself it was a boy as I realised that if I got my hopes up for a girl I could end up really disappointed. Sure enough it turned out to be a boy and I soon got over pangs of disappointment and feel for my son how you feel for yours. There's no point me even considering having a second as we agreed we would only have one.

My point is that you can change the way you feel however it doesn't sound like you will get there on your own so talking about it (probably to an expert) is the best way. It's absolutely not worth risking your relationship for and your husband is not being unreasonable by not wanting a third. If the reasons for wanting a daughter so badly are linked to your past surely you're better to deal with that and try to move on.

children are not dolls for you to 'have'. I think you need therapy to address why you think in this way about actual human beings you are bringing into the world

My mother always wanted a girl. I am her only daughter.

That need she had has weighed on me and pulled on me my whole life. I cannot fix the gaps in her childhood just be merit of being female. I cannot be the fantasy daughter she envisioned. I see her very seldom (it's been nearly five years now) and every time I do o feel.the presence of the daughter she always wanted and who I can never be in the room with us.

The only times I ever cry as an adult is when I'm with her. By most accounts, I.am.a successful person. I have a good job. I own my home outright. I'm well-educated and I have beautiful, kind children. But I am mot what she envisioned and it reduces us both to tears at every visit.

She's tried to.fill the gaps with other psuedo-daughters as well. My SIL insists on going LC because she can't handle the intensity of the relationship my mother wants. My cousin is blatantly using her for unlimited access to her holiday home and free childcare. It's all really unhealthy and sad.

Please figure out a way to fill the gap in your life with yourself. Don't create a whole other person and lay that responsibility on her. It can be devastating.

Thank you. This has helped put some things in to perspective.

So what happens if child number 3 is also a boy? And child number 4? And number 5? I know somebody with 5 and only 1 girl, so you may have to adopt a girl to be absolutely sure.

Oh and here is a true story: Two girls, tried for a thins in the hope of a boy, and got triplet girls.

imagine same for you but triplet boys!

You never know, one of the boys might turn out to be trans. Problem solved.

As someone who went through IVF and can’t conceive naturally I think it’s absolutely grotesque that you’d put yourself and your family through it for the hell of your desire for a girl.

IVF is invasive, expensive and has low odds of success, around 30%.

That’s aside from the fact you shouldn’t be pressuring your husband into children he doesn’t want to have. You won’t be happy if he ‘tries’, be honest. Put your family first and this fixation last.

Yes you do need to hear it, how are you going to make sure you have a Daughter and who the hell are you having this baby with ? You would split your family for pie in the sky and in the process tell your Sons that they are just not good enough for your fairytale. What if your dream daughter is a tomboy, what if this daughter wants to lead her own life when she hits her teens because you have smothered the life out of her because she is your dream ? What if this vision in pink decides actually she wants to be a he and transitions ? You need therapy and fast.