Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

My mother was a ciminql psychologist. There’s so much research out there about children who have been taken away from their birth mothers. The ones taken by force need very careful and known care

they need specialists in their lives that know how to speak to them because it’s one of the biggest trauma known. Even if they’ve been taken away from people with addictions or neglect they still require certain behaviours and teachings.

very interesting once you start to look into it.

I thinkt the husband just doesn't want another child. If he insisted on the thread title then that is what he is feeling. That he would rather divorce than have another child. I felt like this when my second son was about 3. I didn't want a girl, I just didn't feel I was done. I would have had a slight preference for a 3rd boy actually. My DH said no. If I'm honest a tiny part of my heart has died and will never be recovered. I didnt have therapy but maybe I should have.. Logically, looking at how much my 2 cost, plus university and housing costs, it would have been hard, and we don't earn nearly as much as £200k each. I agree that if you don't want your marriage to end, you need therapy, not sex selection IVF. No matter how much you love your boys or tell them, if you are going through IVF to get a girl, they will see themselves as not good enough. You also can't have IVF without the fathers cooperation, and he doesn't want a child. He's using money as an excuse. It's sadly his right to just say no, and you need to make a decision on that basis. Get over it or break up your family.

She's said she just wants a girl and a third child. I really don't see the big difference but would do it gender selection or IVF gender selection. Normally I'd be totally against the two latter choices. I would however suggest therapy whilst or before she does this.

Your 35 and you already have 2 son's. You wanted daughters. You now want a 3rd child and you want a daughter.
Do you think you can have a daughter to dress up, go on girly days out and be your new best friend? You could have a daughter who hates dress and won't ever be your best friend.
If you get pregnant again you could end up with another boy or boy twin's or a disabled child.

Your husband is older than you. Your husband has said no to a 3rd child because of finances and for other valid reasons.
So your willing to end your marriage over this because it not fair that you can't get what you want.

At 35 your probably getting to the stage that your 2 children are getting a bit more independent and your husband does not want to go back to you been pregnant, the sleepless nights ect. Also as your kids get older it gets more expensive for food, shoes, clothes and education. I have several friends with kids in secondary school and university and the amount of money they are spending now is very high.

If your husband is older than you he may want your kids to be finished in university a few years before he retires. He might like to reduce his working hours then. Also you don't know what will happen in the future. I know one lady who's husband died suddenly before her children started secondary school and she had to go back to work due to financial reasons.
She had financial help from her family as well when her kids came to university age.
I know another man who was made redundant in his early 50's and is now caring for his child. The saving grace is that he has no mortgage, had some money in the bank and his wife has a good job.

I think that you need to accept what your husband has said. Look at your son's and learn to enjoy the life you currently have. If your not working just now why not look at getting back into work. Start to make long term plans with your husband to how you will cover costs as your kids get older. As a friend of mine said it fine having children but you need to consider the costs and you want to be in a position to give them the a good education and help them out financially if possible when they want to buy an apartment or house.

When you say your husbands concerns are valid you must agree that financially you can't have another, did you both agree with 2? Would a third impact the quality of life of your sons, less treats or shared rooms for example?
I'm sorry you're going through this and I don't doubt you love your family and would do anything for them. Please give therapy a go.
My own mum had 2 daughters, after my sister she needed a hysterectomy. She'd spent years longing for a boy, even though they could barely afford us two. She went through counselling as she couldn't let go of the longing. She has a grandson now.
I didn't know of this until I was older, we never felt resentment from her. So I'd have to disagree that your boys would. I think it's clear you want to add not change

A woman in my ward (way back in the day) sobbed every night whilst in hospital because she'd just had her 5th boy.

You can’t heal yourself or your relationships through a child. That’s a completely unfair responsibility to put on them. Your money would be better spent on therapy to unpick whatever childhood issues/parental relationship trauma you have before flying abroad for sex selective IVF and buying a baby girl to “heal” your problems with. Don’t spend your existing children’s childhood fixated on a child who doesn’t and will probably never exist and who wouldn’t be able to do what you want her for even if she did.

I said him not wanting a third is valid if that's what he feels.

Me wanting a daughter is equally valid.

We have 4 bedrooms

My DH is one of five. Four boys and a “longed for” girl (who was the youngest). 15 years between eldest and youngest. While MIL never said she wasn’t complete without a girl - they all knew it.

My MIL ended up divorced over the resentment when it didn’t work out how she envisioned. None of her kids speak to her much and she’s very lonely.

Please try and make peace with your situation. My DH has been LC for with his mother for 20 years now. It’s sad how it ripped their family apart.

Go and have a read on the infertility board, where people wreck themselves mentally and financially to just have ONE healthy child.

What if you had twin boys or triplet boys? I'm sorry but you need to find a way to move on from this and I say that as someone who desperately wanted children and couldn't have them. If I can move on from that then surely you can, over time, move on from desperately wanting a girl.

Whatever happens, never let your boys feel like they're second best.

You need therapy OP. You cannot make your DH have a child with you just as he cannot force you to get pregnant.
It sounds though your search for this 'perfect baby girl' is all encompassing for you. Get therapy, accept your husband's choice and live the gifted life you seem to have....or get divorced, but for god's sake be present in the life you have and thankful for what you have. Stop chasing a fantasy.

My method seems to work well to get a girl. If you do end up trying. Get an ovulation kit and don't have sex until you see the smile face. Works every time and everyone I've told about it has daughters lol

@JackanorysStories

If you read my post, I clearly said: ‘You will however, have to decide/agree that if no. 3 is a boy you will be content with your lot.’ So that is where the compromise in supporting her quest stops.

But her DH does not want a third child!!!

I feel sorry for your husband. He's done nothing wrong. You really need therapy x

To be blunt: you need to get over yourself, count your blessings and learn to accept that vanishingly few people's lives turn out as they envisaged when they were children. Statistically, you are more than likely to have another boy, unless your list of demands includes IVF in a country where you can choose sex. Have you considered that you having a third child might break the marriage up?

Oh give over!

A bit of a double standard here on MN. Woman doesn't want to have any more children and that is accepted. Man doesn't want any children and it seems he can't possibly know his own mind and wishes.

I know you don't want 'no guarantees' comments but seriously, let's say you have this third and it's not a girl, will you then want a fourth? Fifth? Where does it end?

I'm just not sure continuing to have children on the basis that you want to parent a particular sex is the best idea. What is it you imagine will be different? Perhaps explore that? I have girls and boys and parenting is parenting IME 🤷🏼‍♀️ If it's a gendered idea about the kind of relationship you think you'll have with a girl, you can still have that with a boy. It's more about personality than genitals if you ask me.

Agreed!

She said he said they can’t afford another.

on a quarter of a million pounds a year?!?!

I wonder what the percentage of people are paid that or more that have 3 children. I bet it’s less than 1%.

@Finishingoff I have huge admiration for people like you. It is horrifying to think what these children have been through and I have always known that I am not the right sort of person to give them the help they need.

It breaks my heart that there will always be children born that have to be taken away. If only there were more of you!

Your emotions and want are seriously impacting your judgement. Options:

Pressurise your husband which is likely to end you marriage either way. On wof you is going to end up resentful. Potentially cause emotional trauma for your sons thinking they're not good enough.

Have another child- ignoring your husbands sensible reasons not to- the financial impact alone is something to consider (housing, cars, holidays, food, clothing, gets harder as they get older)- what happens if its another boy? Do you keep trying? When do you stop?

Divorce your husband- who are you going to conceive with? Spend the time dating to find a suitable stepdad for your boys? Could take years. Sleep around until you get pregnant? Could end up having 3 boys.

Not to sound horrible but are the above options really a valid, rational reason to have another child? Especially since you really want a girl thats not a guaranteed outcome.

Think of the impact your desire will have on your family/marriage. Your husband has given you sensible carefully thought out reasons of why another child is not practical. Babies/children are not something you have because you really want one.

As others said you need to be seeking appropriate support for your mental health.

Oh! Fab! Does the sperm check it out before the right one attaches itself?