Am I controlling and Insecure?

[Biscuits21]

My partner thinks my behaviour is controlling and coercive. He thinks I’m insecure. We have vastly different perspectives. I’d like an outsider's opinion.

Scenario 1:
My partner is making music for around 40 mins before bed. After about half an hour, I ask him if he's coming to bed.
My perspective - I want him to come and cuddle and spend time with me in bed.
His perspective - I'm bothered by what he is doing and want him to stop so that I can have attention. He is doing something he enjoys and I am encroaching on him.

Scenario 2:
We get in bed, it’s around 10:15pm, I’m very tired. My partner is on his laptop with the light on. I say ‘I’m ready for you to turn the light off when you’re ready.’ I repeat myself 5 mins later (I sometimes do this when I’m tired and delirious).
My perspective - I’m very tired and want to sleep. I’ve asked him in the nicest way possible to turn the light off.
His perspective - It’s okay for the light to be on for a few more minutes, I’m controlling what time he needs to turn the light off. I’m encroaching on his freedom of having the light on.

Scenario 3:
I get home from work, walk to the kitchen. I playfully say ‘ooo I can see you’ve had toast today, something with chopsticks… dumplings?’ We often play lighthearted ‘guessing games’ with each other.
My perspective - I’m trying to have a laugh and bond.
His perspective - I’m keeping tabs on what he’s eaten for lunch like I’m trying to watch his every move.

Scenario 4:
We get in bed, he’s on his laptop, I lay next to him and watch whatever he’s doing. I often say ‘can we both watch something?’
My perspective - I want to spend time with him in bed.
His perspective - I’m trying to stop what he’s doing for attention.

I have explained to him that in these scenarios, I’m simply trying to spend time with him. I feel rejected a lot of the time to his screen usage.

My partner says I’m insecure and all of these comments and my behaviour is coming from a huge insecure place. He says I need therapy to as all of our issues are my insecurities. I do believe I am insecure in ways but not necessarily these scenarios.

I have taken on board what he’s said and willing so seek therapy to delve into why I may act this way and where it comes from.

Has anyone had experiences with being an insecure person in a relationship and how they helped themselves? Or is he being unreasonable?

You aren’t so much being insecure as too vague. You both need counselling by the sounds of it to learn to communicate better. Are you scared to ask him for what you need as you think he will reject you? Like why can’t you just say “I’d really like for us to go to bed now” or “can we watch something together tonight?”

The food thing is a bit weird and clearly he doesn’t feel you Play light hearted guessing games as he basically called you a stalker.

He doesn’t sound very respectful or loving and tbh the fact he is calling you insecure is a red flag as often nasty guys treat women like shit then call them insecure after their behaviours make them that way. If you dont think he is a bad guy, and he is actually loving in other scenarios… discuss the love languages and how you can find out each others and interpret actions. But couple counselling would help a lot.

I'd like to hear his version of events...

It sounds like you are insecure but I wouldn't say you are controlling.
You are also bad at communicating your wants, and your partner is/may be as well, so I suggest that's something to work on.

In Scenario 1 and 2, state what you want "I'd like you to come to bed and cuddle"; "Please can you turn the light off; I'm very tired".

He then has the option to say yes or no or just give me a minute and it's clear what he is agreeing (or not) to. However, if he says "no" you have to accept his decision and that it's not about rejecting you, just him preferring to do something else at that moment (if he always says "no", then you may have a wider relationship problem ...).

In scenario 3, I can see how your comment can be construed as controlling (or a passive aggressive "why haven't you cleared up?"). Again, you both need to communicate. You need to tell him you don't care what he had for lunch (and demonstrate this by not "checking up" on him in other areas. He needs to tell you he's not in the mood for guessing games.

Scenario 4 - similar to 1 and 2. It's ok for you to ask to do something together. It's ok for him to say no. And if you're constantly interrupting what he is doing, this is very annoying!

Scenario 1. Depends on how often it happens but you sounds needy, not controlling

Scenario 2. Passive aggressive. If you want the light off just say so.

Scenario 3. Weird as fuck and a bit scary.

Scenario 4. Fine, as long as you can find something you'd both like to watch. In silence.

You come across as passive-aggressive and a poor communicator. If you want him to turn off his laptop in bed, say ‘Could you please turn that off? It’s keeping me awake.’

The ‘playful’ lunch comments suggest what you actually mean is ‘Clean up your mess!’ Which is fair enough, but say so.

And I would find it immensely irritating if I were playing an instrument and someone was asking me to come to bed because they ‘wanted to spend time with me’.

He should also be leaving his laptop outside the bedroom. It’s not good for his sleep or yours.

These situations isolated and a one off are not uncommon or bad but when someone is constantly 'on your case' it almost feels like you've got a hidden agenda and hiding beind the jokey play fighting when actually your disapproving of the mess he's made when eating or jealous about what he's eaten because it didn't involve you. As for the laptop issues surely it makes more sense to say something like ' the lights bothering me if your going to be on it much longer any chance you could go in another room as I need to sleep' but it's not because you want to sleep it's because you so infact want attention rightly or wrongly but for him he doesn't want to give attention at that point is engrossed in something else. You need a hobby or interest of your own so you can 'parallel play' with him so he can be on his laptop and you could be reading, drawing, knitting you get the just

*jist

On the face of it he looks like an inconsiderate, disrespectful knob, but he could well have a very different story to tell. Evidently he’s fine with his behavior and you’re not, and that’s an irreconcilable position. If you aren’t happy, then you need to leave. You’re not going to convince him so you need to take control of your own situation.

You are passive aggressive. Just say it.

You need to communicate what you actually mean.

My suspicion is he is a self centred knob and when you communicate 'can you switch the light off please as I am exhausted and need to sleep' he will still think you are controlling his freedom to have the light on.

Then you should leave.

You need to talk this through and find some compromise. My DH likes scrolling in bed and sometimes he watches TV (with headphones). I like having him there so if it bothers me, I get an eye mask! All couples (or most) will have issues like this and you need to be able to talk about it!

You have s communication issue and it appears neither of you like compromise.

No 3 would drive me insane. Guessing what I eat? There is more to life that that.

Even by your version of events, you do sound needy and passive aggressive - and your version is usually drafted in a way to make you the better person.

You need to actually communicate what you want, and not get stroppy if you don’t get it, which I suspect is what has happened immediately after each of these scenarios as why else would you have posted.

I think you can state your feelings more directly - e.g: I am going to bed now, it would be lovely if you joined me, are you going to stay up late?

And then accept it if he doesn’t want to come to bed.

Personally I can’t sleep with any lights on so I ask my DH to use his laptop or phone downstairs but often he’ll choose to sleep in the spare room if he wants to be on a screen late at night. I don’t control what he does.

The food thing is a bit clingy and intrusive. I wouldn’t find that light hearted, I’d find that a bit annoying.

We all need space in our relationships. Listen to where your partner wants space.

You're passive aggressive and a bit needy and he's inconsiderate and a bit oblivious.

Something about the way you’ve written this feels like it’s not the full story. You sound overly polite and vague in how you describe what you say and do and it makes it feel like very unnatural interactions. The food thing is very strange and that would irritate me. I agree with other posters that if this is an accurate reflection of how you are, then you do need to work on your communication skills.
I would like to hear your partner’s side of the story.

If you were so tired you repeat stuff in delirium you would just sleep light or not. You want him to come to bed and do what you want do you lovingly cuddle him and ask about it or is it just come to bed I need?
I'd be pissed if I was told to come to bed at 10.30 like a kid.

That would really annoy me, I'm an adult, I have my own bedtime. If someone says to me " when you're ready " I will do it when I'M ready

I cannot see a scenario where "guessing game" can be perceived as anything other than a passive-aggressive comment on the mess he made while you were at work.
What kind of a phrasing is "I am ready for you to turn the light off when you are ready"?
And if you know he is making music for 40 minutes before bed time, why bother him after 30 minutes? Surely, you know he will be coming to bed in 10 minutes-time.

I think you're just being quite vague and passive and he's being over sensitive but alot depends on tone.

S1: much depends on the time and what he's said. I don't think there's an issue saying I'm off to bed are you coming, once, if it's a reasonable time. Similarly reasonable to say I'll see you up there, I'm finishing this. But is your tone wheedling? Has he already said he'll be x time and you're asking earlier?

S2: this would annoy me on both counts. If he wants to work on his laptop he turns the big light off or goes downstairs. But "I'm ready for you to turn the light off when you're ready" is pretty passive aggressive, especially if you keep repeating it. Clearly you're not saying what you mean. Just ask him to turn it off as you're exhausted.

And if you're so exhausted at 10.15 that you're delirious you need to go to bed at 9 without him and get some sleep

S3: you say you play these guessing games but he doesn't like it being about his food, so just don't do it. Is it based on smells or the washing up? Mess left? A random guess? If it's about messy and it bothers you, tell him that.

I'm afraid you would drive me mad OP! I'd be running a mile.

You seem very clingy and your food guessing game clearly isn’t fun for him and so far I don’t think anyone on the thread has said that seems like a fun thing to do either. It’s weird. Adults should be able to go to bed when they like. If he isn’t ready for bed at 10pm then he should come to bed later, not come up and then still get moaned at because he is on his laptop, taking a laptop to bed isn’t great anyway.

I don’t really like that he calls you controlling or insecure, instead of just telling you to stop it, but overall it does seem to be you causing the issues.

You're not compatible. He needs a lot more personal space. You need more affection and companionship. Added to this, he is attracted to the idea of himself as a victim and is using hyperbolic abuse related terms to shame you into behaving in ways that don't irritate him. You are frightened to upset him so are using irritating (passive/hinting/joking) behaviour to try to get what you want, rather than being assertive which compounds the problem. This isn't the right relationship for you.

Yeah you'd annoy me with all that as well tbh

Your communication comes across as passive aggressive OP but I'm curious about why you behave in that way. I agree with PP that it's possible that if you were to be assertive, he'd respond in the same way, because he's a knob. So have you resorted to PA communication because you've found that direct expression gets knocked back?

I struggled with this when I got together with my DP. Like many women, I'd basically been brought up to be passive aggressive, because I'd been told not to express myself. However, I needed to find a way to say what I wanted, so I resorted to that kind of sideways communication. But my DP's response rather than accuse me of being controlling, was just to ask 'what do you want?' And then I'd say what I wanted and we'd go from there.

So I think yes, your communication needs work but I'm quite suspicious of your partner. It's a leap to accuse someone of being controlling and I wonder if he's actually using it as a way to control you.