Am I controlling and Insecure?

[Biscuits21]

My partner thinks my behaviour is controlling and coercive. He thinks I’m insecure. We have vastly different perspectives. I’d like an outsider's opinion.

Scenario 1:
My partner is making music for around 40 mins before bed. After about half an hour, I ask him if he's coming to bed.
My perspective - I want him to come and cuddle and spend time with me in bed.
His perspective - I'm bothered by what he is doing and want him to stop so that I can have attention. He is doing something he enjoys and I am encroaching on him.

Scenario 2:
We get in bed, it’s around 10:15pm, I’m very tired. My partner is on his laptop with the light on. I say ‘I’m ready for you to turn the light off when you’re ready.’ I repeat myself 5 mins later (I sometimes do this when I’m tired and delirious).
My perspective - I’m very tired and want to sleep. I’ve asked him in the nicest way possible to turn the light off.
His perspective - It’s okay for the light to be on for a few more minutes, I’m controlling what time he needs to turn the light off. I’m encroaching on his freedom of having the light on.

Scenario 3:
I get home from work, walk to the kitchen. I playfully say ‘ooo I can see you’ve had toast today, something with chopsticks… dumplings?’ We often play lighthearted ‘guessing games’ with each other.
My perspective - I’m trying to have a laugh and bond.
His perspective - I’m keeping tabs on what he’s eaten for lunch like I’m trying to watch his every move.

Scenario 4:
We get in bed, he’s on his laptop, I lay next to him and watch whatever he’s doing. I often say ‘can we both watch something?’
My perspective - I want to spend time with him in bed.
His perspective - I’m trying to stop what he’s doing for attention.

I have explained to him that in these scenarios, I’m simply trying to spend time with him. I feel rejected a lot of the time to his screen usage.

My partner says I’m insecure and all of these comments and my behaviour is coming from a huge insecure place. He says I need therapy to as all of our issues are my insecurities. I do believe I am insecure in ways but not necessarily these scenarios.

I have taken on board what he’s said and willing so seek therapy to delve into why I may act this way and where it comes from.

Has anyone had experiences with being an insecure person in a relationship and how they helped themselves? Or is he being unreasonable?

I’m not sure it’s controlling, although I can see why he feels that way.

you sound needy and clingy. You put your needs above his. Want him to fullfill your needs with no thoughts to himself. And guessing what he’s eaten is weird. And it’s not light hearted if he doesn’t like it.

so I can see why he thinks what he does.

This would all annoy me and be far too clingy for me. My partner bugging me to go to bed when I was making music and wasn't ready would get on my nerves then being asked indirectly to turn out the light before I wanted to. I'd just get back up. Go to bed without him if you're so tired you're delirious at 10.15. If you want to some time with him, just tell him that.

I agree with PP that it's possible that if you were to be assertive, he'd respond in the same way, because he's a knob

whys he a knob? Because he doesn’t wish to be told when to go to bed, or asked what he’s eaten?

Yeah I have to say this is all sounding a bit clingy, controlling and would annoy me if it’s a common thing. It’s very “me, me, me”, going to bed when you want to, lights out when YOU want to, having to watch something “together” on laptop. And guessing what he eats? He obviously doesn’t enjoy these little guessing games and I’m not sure I would either its all very intrusive

If this was reversed I would think my husband was acting controlling and needy if he acted like this

@Janehasamane To clarify, I think he might be a knob. The 'possible' in that sentence referred to his possible knobbiness, as well as how he might behave. He's saying the OP is being controlling rather than recognising that a lot of her communication probably stems from an insecurity, and you don't help someone become more secure by saying they're controlling you. And it's fairly common for women not to express themselves directly more out of fear and worry about possible retribution than anything else. So he sounds as if he could be inconsiderate.

You can now accuse me of man-hating if you like but much as I like some men, there's an awful lot of toxic masculinity around, and the OP's description of her partner makes me a bit twitchy.

I just think it’s a huge leap. As you don’t know how long they have been together, how much he’s been subjected to this behaviour and what he’s tried before to get her to stop.

If my partner did the things you’ve described, he would drive me insane. It’s clingy and suffocating.

I also think it absolutely is controlling. You want him to come to bed when you’re ready and when you want to cuddle. You want him to turn the light out at 10.15 because you are tired and ready to sleep. You want to know what he had for lunch because you think that’s bonding for some reason. You watch what he’s doing on his laptop and ask him to stop doing it because you want to watch something together.

Basically, you don’t want him to have any privacy or personal interests and everything he does a) has to involve you and b) has to be what you want. If I were in his position, I would have left.

The fact that you do this in a passive-aggressive way, and dress it up as just wanting to spend time with him, doesn’t make it any less controlling and clingy. Yeah, you’re not shouting and screaming at him. But it’s still control and it’s still emotionally abusive.

You do sound a bit needy and passive aggressive, which absolutely could come across as controlling. But he could also be, as others have said, a knob.

Scenario 1: Totally ridiculous. I mean, sure, if you want him to come to bed for a specific reason, you could ask him. But why must he stop doing something he's enjoying just to cuddle with you? And why do you get to dictate his bedtime? That one IS controlling and frankly, unpleasant.

Scenario 2: if you want him to turn th slight off because it's bothering you, say that. Suggest that he either turns it off, or goes into another room. If he refuses, he's a knob. But th passive aggressive attempt to get him to turn it off without asking him is very childish.

Scenario 3: You do sound like you're keeping tabs on him. He doesn't like it. Stop doing it.

Scenario 4: Asking to watch something together is totally fine. If he says no, he's a bit of a twat unless you have very different watching preferences.

I'm with your DH sorry.

What happened immediately after each of those scenarios OP? Because that’s quite important.

If my DH tried to tell me when to go to bed/ put light off etc I would not be happy .
Scenario 3 is a bit weird !

Just say what you mean. The way you attempt to address things would drive me insane.

He's saying the OP is being controlling rather than recognising that a lot of her communication probably stems from an insecurity

The fact that it stems from insecurity doesn’t make it any less controlling. It absolutely IS controlling and her insecurity doesn’t mean he shouldn’t point that out to her.

A man who phones his wife every ten minutes when she’s out to make sure she isn’t with another man / tells her what to wear because he doesn’t want other men chatting her up / guilt-trips her about her hobby because romantic time with him should be more important / goes through her phone every night to check what she talks about with her friends, is also behaving in a way that stems from an insecurity. But it doesn’t make him any less controlling and it doesn’t mean his wife has to put up with it or be kind about it, because regardless of where it comes from, it’s still emotionally abusive and it’s still controlling.

I’m sorry but that would make me feel claustrophobic. I think that level of intertwined-ness can work for some couples but for other people it’s suffocating. I was with someone who was like this and it felt like he wanted me to be an extension of him.

Scenario 1 would give me the rage.

Scenario 2 - he’s a dick for sitting in bed with the light on but you need to communicate better. I’d tell him no screens in the bedroom at night. I hate lying next to someone on their phone/laptop, the light and tapping is so annoying.

The lunch comment is almost like you’re monitoring him, that he can’t have anything for himself, even something as innocuous as what he’s had for lunch, without you passing comment on it.

Scenario 4 is just too much. Give him some personal space. But why is he in bed with his laptop? Do you go to the bedroom early and use it like a lounge until bedtime? Or is this at bedtime?

Yes, man does it controlling

Women does it anxiety, vulnerable, inseure, jealous, has issues, I need to feel wanted, hormones, over emotional

I don’t know about controlling, but you sound awfully needy and passive aggressive.

He also sounds like a rather non-cooperative person (maybe because he’s been controlled before or is wary of losing control).

You both need some counselling and some help with your communication skills.

You are coming off as passive aggressive and clingy, and not communicating well. It is likely frustrating for him. I would refer yourself for some counselling.

Op you sound super needy, like thats hard work.

Also it sounds quite unnatural and try hard.

No, its because his response to that is to pretend he is a victim. Nothing whatsoever wrong in telling the OP straight that he wants to go to bed when he wants. Everything wrong with the misappropriation of serious terminology to portray a woman who wants a different level of engagement in the relationship than he does as an abuser. If he thinks the OP is too demanding, well she's not locked him in the cellar, he's free to leave her.

Wow

Welcome to MN where any of OP's behaviours from a man would be declared as abusive and controlling but because her DP has said she is controlling he is a knob and misappropriating language to look like a victim?!

OP - you have communication issues.

S1 - do you know he's planning to make music for 40 minutes? Or is it that's he goes off to make music and you decide after half an hour that's enough, go bother him and after another 10 minutes he decides to give up because your intrusion has ruined the mood?

S2 - Use your words properly. "I'm tired so can you turn the light off? If you want to continue can you go downstairs?" Or "can we decide on only phones in the bedroom and not use them there once the other is asleep?" Your wording is when he is ready and then to get annoyed because he ISN'T ready when YOU want

S3 - do you do this every day? It'd be maddening to me! It doesn't sound like a fun guessing game (and that sounds like you trying to minimise what it is anyway) but you checking up on him/going through his washing

S4 - if he's busy on his laptop, asking to be part of that can come across as "pay attention to meeeeee"

Welcome to MN where any of OP's behaviours from a man would be declared as abusive and controlling but because her DP has said she is controlling he is a knob and misappropriating language to look like a victim?!

Are we reading the same thread? Most of the comments I've seen have suggested she is, at the bare minimum, poor at communication, passive aggressive, needy, insecure and at worst, possibly controlling.

You sound very needy - scenario 3 in particular gave me the ick. You are very passive aggressive and for a lot of people this is a huge turn off. Learn to say what you want and don't dress it up as "we like to play guessing games" because clearly your partner doesn't.

If he is too engrossed in his laptop/phone and you need to go to bed just tell him he needs to go in another room. If one of you wants to sleep then the bedroom is needed, the person that wants to be on electronics should naturally move to another room, the way you are saying it is too nice and he is still calling you controlling. I just say "I am tired and your light is keeping me awake, please go in another room if you want to stay on your phone"- there you are not controlling what he does, but setting your boundary that you need a dark bedroom to sleep on!. The scenario about lunch is just weird, if you can't just ask what you had for lunch and get a straight answer then I just don't know how will he react to more loaded topics and conversations...weird all round!

I think that you need to be more direct.

Scenario 1- I can see why he’d be annoyed at this. I’d imagine that making music isn’t really something that you can suddenly stop- once you’re on a roll, you want to continue and he’d only been playing for 40 mins.

Food Scenario- is this really playful banter or a comment about his good choices or leaving the plates out? If the sexes were reversed then I wouldn’t be surprised if the woman felt that the man was making a statement about her food choices and made her feel crap.

Light scenario - this is probably a common one all across the world. Annoying for both people.

Watching something together - Ask when he opens the laptop or earlier in the evening, not when he’s in the middle of doing something on the laptop. Asking midway will make him feel annoyed because he’s doing something of interest and being asked to stop is going to dampen his enjoyment if he continues.

I think it’s sad that you’ve come to the conclusion that you must be in the wrong. It’s very possible that you crave his attention because he’s not putting in the effort now that you’re married. He wouldn’t be the first spouse to take their partner for granted and not make an effort (if that’s the case here) There’s not enough to go on for us to know if you have a point and you’re not spending enough time together. Hobbies like making music are important but growing apart from your spouse can happen slowly and become unfixable after some time.