Am I controlling and Insecure?

[Biscuits21]

My partner thinks my behaviour is controlling and coercive. He thinks I’m insecure. We have vastly different perspectives. I’d like an outsider's opinion.

Scenario 1:
My partner is making music for around 40 mins before bed. After about half an hour, I ask him if he's coming to bed.
My perspective - I want him to come and cuddle and spend time with me in bed.
His perspective - I'm bothered by what he is doing and want him to stop so that I can have attention. He is doing something he enjoys and I am encroaching on him.

Scenario 2:
We get in bed, it’s around 10:15pm, I’m very tired. My partner is on his laptop with the light on. I say ‘I’m ready for you to turn the light off when you’re ready.’ I repeat myself 5 mins later (I sometimes do this when I’m tired and delirious).
My perspective - I’m very tired and want to sleep. I’ve asked him in the nicest way possible to turn the light off.
His perspective - It’s okay for the light to be on for a few more minutes, I’m controlling what time he needs to turn the light off. I’m encroaching on his freedom of having the light on.

Scenario 3:
I get home from work, walk to the kitchen. I playfully say ‘ooo I can see you’ve had toast today, something with chopsticks… dumplings?’ We often play lighthearted ‘guessing games’ with each other.
My perspective - I’m trying to have a laugh and bond.
His perspective - I’m keeping tabs on what he’s eaten for lunch like I’m trying to watch his every move.

Scenario 4:
We get in bed, he’s on his laptop, I lay next to him and watch whatever he’s doing. I often say ‘can we both watch something?’
My perspective - I want to spend time with him in bed.
His perspective - I’m trying to stop what he’s doing for attention.

I have explained to him that in these scenarios, I’m simply trying to spend time with him. I feel rejected a lot of the time to his screen usage.

My partner says I’m insecure and all of these comments and my behaviour is coming from a huge insecure place. He says I need therapy to as all of our issues are my insecurities. I do believe I am insecure in ways but not necessarily these scenarios.

I have taken on board what he’s said and willing so seek therapy to delve into why I may act this way and where it comes from.

Has anyone had experiences with being an insecure person in a relationship and how they helped themselves? Or is he being unreasonable?

Even in the most loving relationships each person has alone time. Doesn’t mean you’re not interested in each other!

I don't think your are either controlling or insecure,

I think you would be better off living on your own.
Not excluding "partners", obviously.
Speaking from experience.
😊

Totally - but in happy relationships you don’t feel the need to repeatedly ask for attention because you’re already getting it! Your alone time is separate to that (and necessary in any relationship).

You still sound insecure and passive aggressive. But as has been suspected, he also sounds like a bit of a twat.

Id' say you're incompatible. you want more than he is willing/able to give, and because you feel you can't ask for it, you devolve into a bit of a whiney, needy person when trying to get it. So it's a vicious circle for both of you.

Any of this would drive me mental OP, sounds like you both need to work on communicating with each other better. He sounds direct and you the opposite.

Really sorry OP but the thing with the guessing game thing, you may find fun but in all honesty just annoying and strange.

Try being more direct with him about spending time together but give him space too make his own basic decisions too.

You do sound annoying. I'd probably allocate specific evenings to quality couple time in your shoes.

It would be irritating if you were guessing what I'd eaten for lunch. I get the feeling you're the type to endlessly witter on about pointless, inane things and your partner is trying to escape you with screen time.

Yes you are coming across as needy and controlling and you need to find a way to stop, else you will push him further away.

However, there should be a rule that no one uses their laptop/has the light on in bed if one person is trying to sleep - that’s very selfish.

He needs to stay in another room if he wants to go on his laptop but you cannot get then upset or try and dictate when he goes to bed, because he’s wanting to stay up later than you.

A really practical thing you could do is not have an expectation that you both go to bed at the same time. Its not necessary and it's not a reflection of love.

Instead focus on actually spending quality time together whether in or going out on a date.

Tonight plan when you are going to spend time together for the next week..eg cinema Tuesday, dinner together Thursday and afternoon out Saturday. And then spend proper time together.

Then when you are at home you can both relax more doing your own thing and you can leave him alone.

If he doesn't actually want to spend proper quality time with you. Then you have a problem

Every relationship is different but for me personally, I would find it controlling and passive aggressive.

In 25 years: DH and I have hardly go to bed at the same time, we both have bedtime preferences - if he were to imply when I should go to bed it would annoy me.

The food comment would annoy me as well - just say clear up your mess.

Maybe find some quality time together and agree that you both need own space as well.

He seems selfish
You seem like a bad communicator who resorts to passive aggression

Ultimately, he seems to have a problem with you wanting his attention. If he was interested in you, it would be freely given.

The amount of attention offered isn’t necessarily a reflection on how much they love the other person.

People on here adore their kids but have a limit to how much attention that they are able to give their child(ren). There’s also lots of posts here where women love their husbands but wish they’d go out to the office or for fun sometimes so that they can be home alone for a while. I think that this is very normal behaviour. The man was making music not holed up in the study wanking to porn.

I would hope that if OP asked for attention at a more neutral time (say while eating dinner) then she would have had a more positive response like “I’d like to play music for an hour first”

I don’t think that she’s controlling but I can see why the husband finds her needy and annoying. She’s definitely not the only one who’s at fault though. If she’s scared to talk directly to the man that she loves then there’s something wrong with him.

You’re not compatible. You want togetherness and affection whenever you ask for it. He wants a bit of space when he needs it. Neither of you are wrong to feel irritated by the other (but controlling is wrong of him to say). I would just cut my losses on this one unless you’re prepared to compromise.

I once had an ex like you he`s an EX now.
You'd annoy me with all that you sound very needy.
You come across as needing all attention on you.
And you cant tell a adult when to go to bed.
If it was him doing it to you it would be called controlling and you need to LTB.

You seem scared of him and his reactions. Be honest and clear - and if you don't agree with his behaviour just admit it. Maybe you and him are not well suited - perhaps he is really selfish and is just not prepared to change his screen time and focus on the relationship.

Are you actually confident enough to set boundaries? Can you say - if you don't spend more time with me instead of on screens ignoring me I'll leave you??? Does it feel scary to actually state that.

The bedtime light thing - just has to be worked out separately to that moment - ie. if he wants to stay up with lights on he goes downstairs

If he is never prioritising you - just be clear that is what is pissing you off.]

And btw. 'typical guy' is not correct - he sounds selfish and disconnected.

I wouldn't say your insecure. I'd say your controlling.

I think as a couple you need to come to an understanding or compromise. If he's on screens a lot then maybe discuss having an evening a week with no phones/ laptops. So you can have quality time together. Have a weekly / fortnightly date night.

Scenario 1: controlling. Your need for a cuddle doesn't trump his need to enjoy making music. He should have to go to bed because you have.

Scenario 2: controlling. You're making him come to bed then get upset when he's not giving you his full attention. If your so tired your delirious then leave him yo watch his laptop in the living room.

Scenario 3:passive aggressive. You've eaten all thys shit and left mess. Whatever, your ontention your partner doesn't like it so stop.

Scenario 4: controlling. Why can't he watch what he wants. He's already force to have a bedtime. Watch your own laptop.

I'd find you irritating.

I don’t agree with this at all. I do not see her behaviour as fear. That reads like trying to make it his fault she behaves like this.

and what do you mean doesn’t like his behaviour. What coming to bed when he pleases. Give over.

The laptop thing is v selfish of him, he should let you sleep