Am I controlling and Insecure?

[Biscuits21]

My partner thinks my behaviour is controlling and coercive. He thinks I’m insecure. We have vastly different perspectives. I’d like an outsider's opinion.

Scenario 1:
My partner is making music for around 40 mins before bed. After about half an hour, I ask him if he's coming to bed.
My perspective - I want him to come and cuddle and spend time with me in bed.
His perspective - I'm bothered by what he is doing and want him to stop so that I can have attention. He is doing something he enjoys and I am encroaching on him.

Scenario 2:
We get in bed, it’s around 10:15pm, I’m very tired. My partner is on his laptop with the light on. I say ‘I’m ready for you to turn the light off when you’re ready.’ I repeat myself 5 mins later (I sometimes do this when I’m tired and delirious).
My perspective - I’m very tired and want to sleep. I’ve asked him in the nicest way possible to turn the light off.
His perspective - It’s okay for the light to be on for a few more minutes, I’m controlling what time he needs to turn the light off. I’m encroaching on his freedom of having the light on.

Scenario 3:
I get home from work, walk to the kitchen. I playfully say ‘ooo I can see you’ve had toast today, something with chopsticks… dumplings?’ We often play lighthearted ‘guessing games’ with each other.
My perspective - I’m trying to have a laugh and bond.
His perspective - I’m keeping tabs on what he’s eaten for lunch like I’m trying to watch his every move.

Scenario 4:
We get in bed, he’s on his laptop, I lay next to him and watch whatever he’s doing. I often say ‘can we both watch something?’
My perspective - I want to spend time with him in bed.
His perspective - I’m trying to stop what he’s doing for attention.

I have explained to him that in these scenarios, I’m simply trying to spend time with him. I feel rejected a lot of the time to his screen usage.

My partner says I’m insecure and all of these comments and my behaviour is coming from a huge insecure place. He says I need therapy to as all of our issues are my insecurities. I do believe I am insecure in ways but not necessarily these scenarios.

I have taken on board what he’s said and willing so seek therapy to delve into why I may act this way and where it comes from.

Has anyone had experiences with being an insecure person in a relationship and how they helped themselves? Or is he being unreasonable?

I’m wondering if he’s using the laptop in bed because the OP insists on him being with her when SHE goes to bed and so he’s compromising since he’s not ready for sleep yet but if he stays downstairs or in another room he knows the OP will be constant with the ‘I’m ready for you to come to bed now, i miiiissss youuuu’ BS

Sounds to me like he has very little autonomy over how he spends his own time - it’s apparently ‘not acceptable’ for him to be downstairs for 40mins if the OP is upstairs, but not ok for him to be upstairs with her either unless he sleeps when she wants him to or does what she wants!

S1 and S4: you're interrupting something he's doing. S4 isn't particularly important but no one likes having a show they're watching be interrupted by someone who wants to watch something else right then and there. I would say no, or at least "wait until this episode is over". S1 - if someone's in the middle of their creative process definitely don't interrupt them. I have a creative hobby and have friends who make music, art etc and in all cases getting into the flow of it without interruption is crucial. 40 minutes is not that long to have been doing it.

In both those cases you were definitely thoughtless and probably a bit needy.

S2 you weren't unreasonable to want the light off, and it's ridiculous to call you controlling over it. But why couldn't you have just asked outright? It's a perfectly normal request, you don't have to hint. (Tip: separate bedrooms for people with different body clocks will do wonders for your relationship.)

S3 I don't see the problem with what you said at all.

As annoying as I'd have found S1 and S4, I also take issue with him labelling your behaviour "controlling" and "coercive". Those are words associated with abusive behaviour, not needy and slightly annoying behaviour. So he's not exactly doing a great job of communicating with you either. I might give him the benefit of the doubt as that sort of therapy-speak is so widely misused these days but there might be a touch of gaslighting going on.

yeah food guessing game is hints of - you are messy why haven't you cleaned up.

The whole music/light/laptop thing I get - he is pushing you out to do his own thing but in doing so is actually also controlling what you do. He is putting strain on the relationship by doing it, you are by not being direct. I think you BOTH need therapy to understand where each of you is coming from and actually communicate positively about it

Thanks for all of the responses.

I know I'm insecure and I do want to work on it, my partner says he wants the best for me and wants me to delve deeper.

For those asking what happened after each scenario.

Scenario 1: he ignored me but came to bed a little while later. He could have said 'I'm staying up playing music, good night', and I would have accepted.

Scenario 2: he ignored me the first time I asked him to turn the light off. The second time he got annoyed and called me a dickhead.

Scenario 3; I see why you all think the food thing is weird and I can see now why my partner might find it weird. I wasn't bothered about the dishes being messy. We had fun at similar times before such as choosing what to eat, but I now understand that this probably wasn't the best time to have that joke.

Scenario 4: he told me he was busy on his laptop. However our routine used to be watching something in bed together each night. This hasn't happened for a while and I miss it.

From this post I think I've realised that all of these scenarios together do come across like I'm encroaching on his space and time.

As some people have mentioned though, I do struggle to communicate because I have been knocked back before. If I directly said 'please can you turn off the light' he would get annoyed and think I'm telling him what to do. That's why I feel I have to phrase it in a kinder way (I thought I was being kind, not passive aggressive, but I can see how it seems like PA). I also think he should be respectful and turn the light off when I'm super tired.

I think I do require reassurance and compassion and when he's constantly on a screen, I feel rejected. If I ask him 'please can we have less screen time and more quality time throughout the week?' I'm worried he would say I'm telling him what to do. He's a typical guy who doesn't like being told what to do.

I know I need to work on my communication and I think becoming more secure would probably lead to more confident communication and me needing him less.

I'm willing to do the work on myself. I think we both need to work on communication.

Any tips or book recommendations on how to communicate better or how to become more secure would be appreciated.

Requesting your partner spend time with you in the evening, asking what they have eaten and asking them not to keep you awake with the light from their lap top is not controlling, regardless of the sex of the person making the request.
It is behaviour that stems from a mismatch as to the level of companionship/engagement there should be in the relationship, no more, no less. For there to be control requires one party to be exercising power over another to force them to comply, and there is no indication the OP is in a power position in her relationship. Quite the reverse as it appears that her partner continues to do as he pleases despite her requests, which isn't unreasonable either. This is a couple who are not suited and should separate. There's no need to label one a victim and the other an abuser when 'incompatible' suffices.

You do sound as though you like everything your way eg bedtime

however I think you both need to work on communicating better with each other.

I agree with this.

Also, you say "I’ve asked him in the nicest way possible to turn the light off." Why do you need to ask someone in the "nicest way possible" to turn the light off at bedtime so you can sleep, as though you're breaking the news to someone that their new haircut really doesn't suit them?

Sounds like you really need to work on your communication style and try to be more direct with people, and perhaps explore why you feel a need to tip-toe around people when attempting to express your wants or needs.

It seems to me that:

Your perspective: you want to spend time with him, you are taking an interest

His perspective: he is not interested in you, he would prefer to spend time by himself doing his own thing

Ultimately, he seems to have a problem with you wanting his attention. If he was interested in you, it would be freely given.

You may well be feeling insecure, but if so, maybe it’s because you can feel him detaching?

I wouldn’t be sticking around…

This sounds like a person with anxious attachment issues meets someone with avoidant attachment issues tbh. Not insurmountable but ones that could do with a bit of thinking about.

No, it's because his response to that is to pretend he is a victim. Nothing whatsoever wrong in telling the OP straight that he wants to go to bed when he wants. Everything wrong with the misappropriation of serious terminology to portray a woman who wants a different level of engagement in the relationship than he does as an abuser.

It a man was behaving the way OP is then he would be labelled controlling at best and abusive at worst.

His responses are not the problem here.

I think I do require reassurance and compassion and when he's constantly on a screen, I feel rejected. If I ask him 'please can we have less screen time and more quality time throughout the week?' I'm worried he would say I'm telling him what to do. He's a typical guy who doesn't like being told what to do.

This is perfectly valid and I think in these days of everything being online, it can feel isolating if your partner is always staring at a screen. It's so easy to do though - I finish my work on my laptop, then I watch a show on my laptop, then I think I'll turn it off and hang out with DP, but there are bills that need to be paid on my laptop and I need to book a table at a restaurant on my laptop and then a friend has messaged me on my laptop... I've done it to DP, DP has done it to me, I'm probably worse for it and it's something I've had to consciously address.

The time to address it is not in the moment. Not when someone's in the middle of something. It's better to bring it up in a calmer or chill moment so that neither of you feels pressure to react right then and there. And the solution is to plan ahead. If you want to watch a show together, suggest it ahead of time. "Do you want to watch Yellowjackets? Shall we start it tomorrow night?" Ditto for things to do out of the house together. You don't need to diarise couple time completely rigidly but a rough idea of when you'll be hanging out and also when you'll be doing your own thing is helpful.

It could be that he still pushes back and doesn't seem enthusiastic about the idea of planning to spend time with you in which case I would be rethinking whether the relationship makes me happy at all.

Ultimately, he seems to have a problem with you wanting his attention. If he was interested in you, it would be freely given.

Not everyone wants or needs constant attention- it doesn't mean they're not interested in their partners.

If DH expected me to come to bed with him at half ten or watched over my shoulder while I used my computer I would wonder why he was behaving like a toddler.

With your update, he is a dick.

You have adopted a wheedly communication style because if you are direct, at best he ignores you and at worst is rude.

He is not a keeper.

Literally the post above mine is someone calling him a knob and saying he's playing the victim...

Thankfully, yes, most are calling the OP out but there are a fair few in the "knob and playing the victim" category

Or maybe he ignores her because of her communication style?

He says I need therapy to as all of our issues are my insecurities.

This is a worry for me. It seems arrogant of him to state that ALL of your relationship issues are down to your insecurities and YOU need therapy.

Maybe he didn't say it as baldly as that, but if he did I would be offended by his refusal to take any responsibility for his part in whatever relationship issues you're having. Surely it can't be so clear cut?

A pp said you sound incompatible, and, from what you've said, you do. But presumably things haven't always been this way, or you wouldn't still be together? What has changed?

I must admit I would find the specific behaviours you describe suffocating and clingy if they were a regular occurrence. Is it the case that he used to be more attentive, but as the relationship has gone on he is less so and this is triggering the feelings of insecurity? In his shoes I would be looking at my own behaviours to try to understand where you're coming from, not baldly stating that your insecurities are the ONLY problem and YOU need therapy to sort it out. Some sort of compromise should be possible and a willingness to work together to address the issues in a way that meets both of your needs.

You sound needy to me, sorry.

I know I've been in relationships where I liked a lot of attention at the start as it was all new and exciting, but after a while I just missed my own space.

I think it's very easy to get swept up in the excitement of a new relationship - often people ignore irritating behaviour because they're still in the honeymoon phase.

With your update - you need couples therapy to help you communicate better with each other because there's a clear communication issue

As others have said, the best time to ask for a change in behaviour isn't in the moment. But say at meal times or whilst sitting together, "how about we both watch X in bed tonight?" Or "I've seen that band you like is playing locally, why don't we go?" Kind of thing. It's not controlling, it's suggestions and opening up a discussion.

I think you're both at a point in the relationship where things are getting lost in communication. You clearly want to spend more time with him, but you're not doing well in communicating this clearly; and he clearly has his own hobbies that he's happy to get on with, but he needs to understand that perhaps doing it at difficult times of the day isn't the best.

I really recommend that you both sit down together and do a love language quiz. It really helped my DH and I.

I now understand he needs words of affirmation often (before he would ask me 'you love me right?', 'are we ok?' etc). Now I make sure I say I love you and compliment him often, and now he doesn't feel like he needs to ask me for affirmation.

I like to have quality time together and would often get grumpy if my DH was distracted by something or on his phone. Now we allocate phone-free time and ensure we're focused on each other. For example, tonight we have a phone-free date night planned!

I think doing the quiz will help you both understand what the other person prefers, and how you can do things for them. It's not for you to say 'well I like words of affirmation so I need you to tell me you love me all the time!', its for him to understand what you need, and to VOLUNTARILY give it to you, out of his love for you. And the same the other way round. You may find he likes space and time to do his thing before he comes back to you, and you need to give him this space because you love him!

I think both tbh. You sound needy and that would really grate on me. You also sound like you're being passive aggressive over 'guessing' what he's had for lunch. And you ARE pulling him away from something he enjoys doing to go to bed, which, tbh is not a good reason. You don't need to go to bed at the same time and you seem to be enforcing this when it doesn't work for him.

However, he should meet you halfway and agree to plan some quality time together if you don't feel you're getting enough.

Sounds like you are both pissing eachother off. When he's making music I'd just leave him too it not ask him when hes coming to bed or say can't wait to cuddle you later when you are finished.
The light on when you are trying to sleep is a bit annoying, any way he can take the laptop out the room? I'd just not try to guess what he's had to eat during the day, it's obviously something he doesn't like, so give it a miss.
When he's on his laptop , it's probably annoying him you are interuppting what he's doing. You could say when you are finished what you are doing I'd love to watch something with you.
I dont think think you sound controlling or insecure one bit. I think you both need to communicate better with eachother

God the worst part is definitely the “you can turn the light off if you’re ready in a minute”
even mean? And to repeat it twice within 5 minutes!

if someone told me I can turn the light off when I’m ready that means to me I can take my time and keep it on! How old are you OP? Why are you saying such confusing and strange things?

(Just seen your update - his language is not acceptable though - even if you are pissing each other off you need to discuss it like adults and he should tell you clearly rather than calling you a dickhead.) Have you tried asking him to be more direct with what he's thinking? (e.g. 'I'm going to stay up and play music, so you go to bed without me'.)

Not by me he wouldn't, because it would still be a ridiculous misuse of the terms given the situation described here. The sex of the person is irrelevant. (Other than to those with an agenda to afford men victim status.)