Fed up of my DH's travelling for work - AIBU

[FedUpSittingHereAloneEveryNight]

My DH has always travelled for work. There have been times when it has really got to me, and other times I've just sucked it up. I have 3 DC to keep me company, so was distracted by that. I have no family near me to help out, nor do my DH's family help me out. There are upsides to it, that we have a bit of spare cash.

So, in the past month, I have seen my DH for 3 days. He went away for a week, came back for a day, repeat and rinse. He's been away for a week, back in a few days. I'm not sure when the next trip is, could be in a few weeks, could be next month.

My DC are older now and want to hang out with their friends so there is no more going away with them for weekends, going to watch a Disney movie etc. at the pictures. It's mostly me, in front of the TV, go to bed early and the occasion night out with friends.

I'm just bored of it. I do have a job, but it is the nights that annoy me.

I couldn't tell you where he is, or even if he is on business, or if he is finished and he is just having a jolly for a few days sightseeing at the end. For all I know he could have 3 families dotted round the world and this is the annual trip to see them.

On one hand I tell myself, suck it up if you want your mortgage paid and your 2 weeks in a nice hotel in July. On the other I think, is this any life? If I was single, at least I'd have the opportunity to go out and meet someone else.

I guess this is just a rant. I have the flu, and something happened today that I needed his help on. I called him, but he didn't answer and now I feel upset.

AIBU - would you just suck it up for a nicer life
YANBU - life is too short to be waiting around for your partner to come back

It's unusual not to know where your DH is.

Is he in the music industry by any chance

Could you move closer to be nearer to your family?

I forgot to add. One of my DH's colleagues travels a lot too, except he doesnt, because his wife threw her toys out the pram. My DH even did one of his trips for him, when she wouldn't let him go.

Apparently I am very "reasonable", which to me means massive mug.

I know where he is, as in which city and country, but couldn't tell you if he has finished what he went there to do, or what hotel he is in.

He is not a musician. He works in Finance.

Working away I could live with but only if the quality of time was there on the weeks at home. So working away a week, home a week, work away 4 weeks, home for two. That sort of thing.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to be with someone who I only see 3 days in a month (if that’s the norm) and I don’t think you’re wrong for questioning if a bit of spare cash is worth living a life of solitude.

When it comes down to it on your death bed no one thinks “wish I’d worked more”. If he dropped down dead tomorrow, his employer would have him replaced within a month. How would you and the kids replace him?

I couldn’t do it, especially as you don’t really even know what he’s doing or where he is!!!!

I think you need to have a discussion about the quality of your life and what is important. Will there be any end to the travelling in the future? As in when he gets more senior? If so you may find ways of it being more tolerant. If not, then time for a chat

Does he contact you at all when he is away?

I travel every week for work, and DH definitely doesn't have a clue where I stay, but we Skype at 8pm every night.

DH used to live abroad and we sustained a marriage like this for 2 years.

Going away for a week and no contact is going to be difficult for a relationship.

This was our MO for twenty plus years, I got used to it.

Sorry to clarify, I always knew what hotel he was in, and we spoke every evening.

Once my DC are all off at Uni, I don't think I'll be prepared to put up with this any longer. Right now my household has lots of people coming in and out of it,. and I am busy with them and work. However, I'm basically on my own most nights from 7-10 when I go to bed. I feel lonely. When they all go to Uni I'll be on my own 24/7 a lot of the time.

I live quite rurally so there isn't much to do at night. I can't really pick up any hobbies at night. I've watched all the Netflix I can.

I feel a bit trapped. When my DH comes back he doesn't really want to go out, or get on a plane, and he moans about our meals as he has indulged so much on his trips with clients, that he comes back and wants to eat really healthily, doesn't want a glass of wine etc.

I sometimes feel trapped like I'm on my own, and there isn't anything I can do about it.

Do you have to live rurally?

My DH is also trapped in a small village. He's been very clear he can't do it forever and so we have plans to move to our nearest city in a few years.

What sort of finance job does he do that requires him to travel 28 days out of 31?

It’s not just about the travel, is it- it’s about the lack of communication. If you don’t know where exactly he is, when his next trip is, if he’s working or enjoying time for himself- that’s a bigger issue than just work travel. That suggests he doesn’t see the relationship as a partnership.

Once my DC leave home, no I don't have to live rurally. In fact, I am a city person, and I prefer to have lots of things on my doorstep to do.

I also need to meet more people. I haven't met that many living here in a village. If I had more friends, more people to go out with, even away for the weekend, perhaps I would feel better about it.

I work with someone whose DH works away a lot. I was told she is not bothered, and doesn't really care if he never comes back. I'm not at that stage, but I don't think working away a lot is particularly good for a relationship.

Sometimes I think I am going to open the door one day, and someone early 20's with a foreign accent is going to be standing there and says "I'm looking for my dad". I don't know. I feel that my life is passing me by, and I am going to look back and say I wasted a lot of time waiting for him.

Pups

The 28/31 (I think it is more 28/33) was 4 trips in the last 4.5 weeks. Some of them are to see clients overseas, one of them was a conference overseas and one of them is a week residential training/ team building overseas.

He has a large team under him and they have offices all over the world and he has to go see them once a year, so when you add it all up, plus he chairs a conference, and goes to others, it all adds up to a lot of trips.

I'd need an end in sight. You only live once, and I know I would look back and go what the hell was I doing.

If you want to have a relationship with him then I'd say that your not happy what worked 5yrs ago doesn't work now and that you need xyz to change.

Though I'd personally look at getting a regular childsitter for a few evenings a week and building your life up a bit, 2 weeks holiday doesn't really balance out months of lonely nights and human interaction.

Do you think it’s a real possibility that he could have a family elsewhere?

I do get the demands of work travel. I have always travelled for work, too. The difference is- once I had a family, I did everything I could to minimise it. Shorten trips, fly overnight, get my husband to meet me somewhere for a short break- etc. conferences are rarely musts. If he leads the team- team building/ training happens in his country, not somewhere else. People from other offices need to come to him sometimes. If he’s senior AND prioritises his family, he should have the power and motivation to make sure at least some of this happens.

Do you think he enjoys being home?

Maybe you need to sit down next.time he is back and ask the question about end in sight or in X yrs we are moving to the city and so on.

Also don't you guys talk in the evenings or video call?

My dp has had 2 overseas trips this month and is off on Sat for a week also. Whilst I don't know his exact location, I know pretty much where he's staying, where the office is he's working in and a general itinerary.

Because I've asked and he's happy to tell me, not because I'm a paranoid stalker needing to know where he is 24/7.

It bothers you more that he's away at all rather than he might have a secret family or two. That's no life to be living in exchange for a nice hotel in July.

You're isolated and alone. Time for a relocation to somewhere you can have a life, with or without him.

Why do you need to live rurally now? From the sounds of it, you should be able to afford baby sitters so you can have a night out with friends and have your own hobbies

It sounds completely pointless to me - apart from a bit of extra money, what exactly does he contribute to your/your DC's lives?

You don’t sound happy. I’d have a chat with him about what’s important to you and see whether what he is prepared to offer at the end is a deal breaker or not.

It sounds like you're waiting, not living and no, I couldn't do that with no end in sight.

What's not clear to me, is whether you want to find some solution with him or without him? Neither is unreasonable, but what you do now depends on your answer.

Yanbu to feel how you do but you’ve said he has always worked away so you kinda knew what you were getting yourself into before committing fully. This would personally have been a no for me from the start.

Can you look into joining a club or something to keep you busy?

Have you asked him if he even wants to spend more time with you? I can't help thinking that if he was that bothered, or if he cared that YOU were bothered, then he would do something to change it.