Fed up of my DH's travelling for work - AIBU

[FedUpSittingHereAloneEveryNight]

My DH has always travelled for work. There have been times when it has really got to me, and other times I've just sucked it up. I have 3 DC to keep me company, so was distracted by that. I have no family near me to help out, nor do my DH's family help me out. There are upsides to it, that we have a bit of spare cash.

So, in the past month, I have seen my DH for 3 days. He went away for a week, came back for a day, repeat and rinse. He's been away for a week, back in a few days. I'm not sure when the next trip is, could be in a few weeks, could be next month.

My DC are older now and want to hang out with their friends so there is no more going away with them for weekends, going to watch a Disney movie etc. at the pictures. It's mostly me, in front of the TV, go to bed early and the occasion night out with friends.

I'm just bored of it. I do have a job, but it is the nights that annoy me.

I couldn't tell you where he is, or even if he is on business, or if he is finished and he is just having a jolly for a few days sightseeing at the end. For all I know he could have 3 families dotted round the world and this is the annual trip to see them.

On one hand I tell myself, suck it up if you want your mortgage paid and your 2 weeks in a nice hotel in July. On the other I think, is this any life? If I was single, at least I'd have the opportunity to go out and meet someone else.

I guess this is just a rant. I have the flu, and something happened today that I needed his help on. I called him, but he didn't answer and now I feel upset.

AIBU - would you just suck it up for a nicer life
YANBU - life is too short to be waiting around for your partner to come back

I guess it's a case of both of you sitting down and discussing the relationship and what you both want for the future. Given that you have spent so much time apart feelings might have changed (or not). Has this ever been discussed? It's possible there might be understandable resentments on both sides. I can understand to a degree when someone returns from somewhere for work they might not want to go out much, equally can see that the person not travelling wants to do more.

You both need to discuss it and see each others goals. Then decide.

You need a discussion about:

How long will his work be like this
How can you both communicate more when he is away
Is there a budget for you improving your life now despite being in a village
How do you both see life when the kids have left home
How do you both see life in retirement

@FedUpSittingHereAloneEveryNight just to put a spin on it my husband worked away every week until April last year now it's alternate which is so much better for everyone. He really misses us all when away but it's a sacrifice so we enjoy nicer things , kids get to go to private school , I don't have to work. I recognise how hard he is working and he's lonely in hotel rooms all the time whilst I get to be in our lovely house

I've picked up a number of hobbies. My dh works shifts so it's one in, one out at bedtime so I'm on my own for 6 nights a week.

I've done a floristry course and made some lovely friends and I've just started doing pottery. I also live rurally, so it's a 45min drive to my classes but I don't care. It gets me out the house and I socialise with adults. Plus I've surprised myself and actually enjoyed both courses. To the extent I may try for a career change at some point.

I think you need to make some friends or find something to do in the evenings. It’s not healthy to rely on just your children to keep you company.

You need a chat about the future OP .

As a child DF was always away for work and my DH also travelled a lot . He still travels , but nowhere near as much . He is pretty senior and is able to delegate some of these trips . For example he might only go to a conference for one day not three and others less senior will be there all week . The pandemic also normalised Teams meetings , so there are meetings he has on Teams that would once have involved a couple of nights away .

You need to know what your husband wants from the future and you need to know whether he can comfortably delegate any of this travelling . The older you get the more wearing travelling for work is .

Talk to him- basically as the pp AnnaMagnani above suggests

And think it would be perfectly fair to be annoyed if he's extending trips to look around but also how come you do not know? Is it that neither of you talk to each other much, he does not tell you or you do not ask? Seems to be a huge lack of communication going on on both sides.

I'm surprised at anyone travelling that much anymore given zoom,teams etc especially since covid.

He must actually enjoy being away.

You probably need a big discussion on life, your relationship and the future.

Have you discussed it with him. Does he really need to go away that often. I mean, finance, can he not delegate to others or do a lot of things on Teams??

I honestly don’t think just having him at home more would be an instant solution

my uncle worked away all week and periods abroad
my friend a lorry driver all week

took years to settle into being at home they were like a cage rabbit and there relationships nearly ended

also you do miss company but you have your own routines and ways of doing things it’s massive to go back to having someone there 24/7

For all I know he could have 3 families dotted round the world and this is the annual trip to see them.

Sometimes I think I am going to open the door one day, and someone early 20's with a foreign accent is going to be standing there and says "I'm looking for my dad".

I don't think the travelling is the primary problem here actually, I think the lack of trust is. My DH used to travel a lot for work (he's now changed jobs so is home a lot more which is lovely) and it never once crossed my mind that he could be cheating, let alone that he might have a secret family. The fact that you have mentioned this a couple of times suggests there is a real suspicion there and that's something you need to address. Have you asked him outright if he's been unfaithful? Has he given you any reason in the past to think he might be? Personally I couldn't be with someone I didn't trust.

Neverbeen,

I don't have any evidence that he has cheated, nor has he given me any reason to think. We have had a few marriage wobbles where I felt neglected, taken for granted, and disrespected for "not having a great career", and just being at home with the DC for a few years as a SAHM. I did feel we grew apart a bit, then came back together.

I feel jittery as a good friend of mine has a DH who travels a lot. He has admitted to having an affair for 2 years (masking holidays as business travel) and has left to be with her. She did everything for her DC whilst he worked long hours and travelled and look at the thanks she has got for it.

I feel like I would like to be more independent - financially and emotionally - by having more friends and other interests. I don't want to rely on him so much.

The thing that sticks out is the lack of communication. OP doesn't say if she's had a conversation with her husband about how lonely she feels, about how this isn't working for her. She doesn't say if he has any solutions, or what his long-term intentions are. They don't seem to communicate about his travel or even while he's away. Not knowing any of the details of his trip or the dates of the next one is strange, and I don't know whether it's because he's refusing to tell the OP or she doesn't care enough to ask.

I also don't even get the impression that the OP even enjoys her husband's company. She complains about what he's like when he is home and fantasises about being single. Do you actually want to spend time with HIM or are you just bored and lonely?

I know a lot of people who travel a lot for work (I travel a bit too, though not to this extent). The travel is usually non-negotiable to an extent but more importantly the people who do those jobs do so because they actively enjoy being on the road, and they go a bit mad from being in one place too long.

The way their relationships work is that they've found someone that this is compatible with. Partners who are happy to do their own thing, who have support networks and busy lives at home. They're not stuck at home watching Netflix every evening (unless they want to). And they communicate with the travelling partner about the amount of travel they're happy with, about the benefits of the extra money, about the long-term plan to scale down the travel (or not).

I feel like the travel is only a physical manifestation of the distance between OP and her husband, and even if he was at home all the time she'd still feel lonely...

I feel like I would like to be more independent - financially and emotionally - by having more friends and other interests. I don't want to rely on him so much.

This is good, that's exactly what you should aim for.

The other thing that stuck out is that you're in a rural location. That must be even more isolating. If your husband can't, or doesn't want to, stop travelling, would there be a possibility to move to a city? And would you even want that?

Villages are nightmares to make friends in as an outsider.

My DH worked like that for many, many years. It made planning anything (holidays etc) a nightmare and I basically just accepted it and got on with my life. He'd often be away for 4 or 5 weeks, often over birthday/anniversary, sometimes at a few days notice. And sometimes I'd never know where he was - definitely Europe, but which country? WhatsApp and mobile phones made a huge difference to our communication capability. It was hard for me but much harder for him. But you get used to it, it goes with the job.

Move house OP. Why do you have to wait to do that? Surely your older children would prefer living in a city. As it's you at home all the time I think your opinion on this should carry the most weight. Stop waiting OP. Start living the way you want to live.

I'm surprised at anyone travelling that much anymore given zoom,teams etc especially since covid.

Depends what the top is - some stuff you still need to be on site for. My DH is also away for big chunks of time, anywhere from a few days to several months at a time. We make it work for us though.

Unfortunately in-person meetings are back to being a big thing in Finance. My DH refused to go on a transatlantic trip when I was 38 weeks pregnant with a high-risk pregnancy and got so much shit for it from the higher ups.

A relatives DH travels all the time, they have all the trappings of wealth but it’s not for me. Life is too short to be lonely imo.

My dad had a big job that involved travel & I do remember wanting him around more.

My dh is a long haul pilot so is away a LOT. I’ve pretty much got used to it, and I enjoy my own company, which helps. But it’s tough at times. We’ve got very young children - I feel like I’m exhausted most of the time with them plus job. And often get ill because I’m run down! Haha I’m not selling it am I. I guess only you know what you can put up with - but you have control over how you spend your time. At the mo I’m enjoying a good book and it’s absolutely fine he’s not here tonight (again)

My. Husband has worked away , abroad for eight- nine months of the year for the last three years.

It fucking sucks . We have children too.

Today I have been diagnosed with pneumonia. To say I have been unwell is an understatement because I also have severe mental health issues as well.

That must be hard. How long does he have to have rest periods between each flight?

I work in finance. Most people have significantly reduced their overseas travel time, certainly in every company I know.

I would look at moving less rural