Fed up of my DH's travelling for work - AIBU

[FedUpSittingHereAloneEveryNight]

My DH has always travelled for work. There have been times when it has really got to me, and other times I've just sucked it up. I have 3 DC to keep me company, so was distracted by that. I have no family near me to help out, nor do my DH's family help me out. There are upsides to it, that we have a bit of spare cash.

So, in the past month, I have seen my DH for 3 days. He went away for a week, came back for a day, repeat and rinse. He's been away for a week, back in a few days. I'm not sure when the next trip is, could be in a few weeks, could be next month.

My DC are older now and want to hang out with their friends so there is no more going away with them for weekends, going to watch a Disney movie etc. at the pictures. It's mostly me, in front of the TV, go to bed early and the occasion night out with friends.

I'm just bored of it. I do have a job, but it is the nights that annoy me.

I couldn't tell you where he is, or even if he is on business, or if he is finished and he is just having a jolly for a few days sightseeing at the end. For all I know he could have 3 families dotted round the world and this is the annual trip to see them.

On one hand I tell myself, suck it up if you want your mortgage paid and your 2 weeks in a nice hotel in July. On the other I think, is this any life? If I was single, at least I'd have the opportunity to go out and meet someone else.

I guess this is just a rant. I have the flu, and something happened today that I needed his help on. I called him, but he didn't answer and now I feel upset.

AIBU - would you just suck it up for a nicer life
YANBU - life is too short to be waiting around for your partner to come back

It varies but usually 2-3 days. It’s tough and I’m knackered but I’m fairly used to it. When we had our first child he was furloughed (pandemic) for the best part of two years in the end… which was horribly stressful - the uncertainty - but meant I had a stay at home husband. Now I’ve got two smalls and he’s very much back to full capacity so it’s a lot of work!

Oh my goodness, that sounds full on. So sorry you are not well - wishing you well. I find that I get ill a lot too. It’s just relentless doing everything on your own! Single parents are amazing!

OP stated "I feel trapped"

Tell you DH that and I bet you'll become untrapped when he tells you to go

Would you want to live with someone who felt they were "trapped with you!!

He doesn't need to travel that much

I used to travel like that for my job (also finance) and most of the men who travelled like that did it because they wanted to

Do you work? Does your household need the income his job brings?

I used to travel a lot for work and it’s fucking shit, I would rather be at home in familiar surroundings chilling after being in meetings all day, not in a random hotel, or worse pretending to like/tolerate clients at dinner 🤮

He might feel pressured to continue a lifestyle that comes with him working so hard, or might just enjoy the buzz of working.

with men like this, it’s usually the former, you need a good sit down and get to an agreement on how you will live your twighlight years and what sacrifices you can make to both be a bit more chilled and spend time with each other

What do you want? Focus on that and start to make it happen. Move, start a business or hobby. Work out a plan. Speak to him about it when he's back again. Make it clear you can't go on like this and how lonely it is.

My DH has always worked away throughout our 34 year marriage. It is hard sometimes when something goes wrong and you have to just deal with it on your own. But I also quite enjoy having time to myself, eating & watching whatever I like on tv (I love true crime and my DH would never watch it!) and having the bed to myself 😂 I suppose I've just got used to it over the years. But if it's making you really unhappy OP you need to have a serious conversation with him about the future. If he's a good man and loves you, he surely won't want you to be lonely and unhappy.

Dads and husbands can get away with an awful lot of shit under the guise of work. Personally I would like a spouse and co parent that pulls their weight and is part of the team.

2 parents doing mid paying jobs to support their family and enabling them to be there is far healthier than a parent earning 6 figures and taking the piss out of their spouse and kids.

@Velvian what about the men that are earning 6 figures / working hard and not taking the piss out of their wife and kids??

Get a hobby join a class

Honestly your life sounds a bit shit, I'd feel trapped too. The fact that you live rurally makes it so much worse. Of course you are fed up and isolated. I'd give him an ultimatum of 2 parts: 1) you all have to move and 2) he travels less.

Well, my Ex worked away, and I had four under 9 when he left for someone he'd met on Bumble when bored and lonely away from home. I'm not suggesting your DH is cheating but, even when married, I felt like a mug for carrying everything during the week and when he left, doubly so.

YANBU. I couldn't live like this. It sounds truly shit. What is the point of extra money? You don't have any time to spend it together having fun. And why would he be having a jolly for a few days and enjoying a new city once his work is over?! It doesn't sound like he places any value on spending time with you or his family otherwise he would make it happen more often.

Once your DCs don't need you around to take care of them, you could join him on some trips and see what he's up to? My finance firm CEO travels A LOT and his wife tags along on these work trips some times. She doesn't join the business meetings of course and I bet she goes out and does shopping or spa or whatever while he works, but she does show up at our office sometimes and he openly introduces her to us employees.

Sounds exactly like
my husband! Works abroad a substantial
amount of time . We have 2 young kids- I get used to him being away and find it hard when he’s home adjusting. He’s now not travelled for a few months (non travel
policy at work unless necessary) and it’s been lovely. I’ve got used to him being home and now we’ve gelled again. I don’t want him to start travelling again! But finance job and it’s what they do! I know he doesn’t have secret life or anything like that but it’s strange not sharing the day to day life stuff. In some ways it’s great as when we’re together it’s so exciting again; but I do like the day to day . Also i won’t visit the county he works in (he works in a few but this is the main one) as I see it as his bubble and I don’t want to go as it’s weird

Mine travelled with work a lot for about 5 years and it was also without a discernible timetable. He was all over the world and was sometimes really not contactable and sometimes doing stuff like canoeing down the bleeding Amazon, or in some jungle in Malaysia. But if he was in a hotel then I always had the details and always a timetable. Mine wasn’t away as much as yours. I joined him on his trips quite often within Europe.

Nothing illegal or military, he is actually a scientist but it was always going to be temporary and really furthered his career.

Working away is fine but your husband really doesn’t care about his home life at all it would seem.

He is having a completely different life to you, he is effectively having a single life with the occasional nod to his children and the comfort of somewhere to come home to and have the appearance of a family. I get that people have to go away for work (I did too, and most of it was a bit of a slog BUT you had the compensation of an all expenses paid meal and hotel at the end of it, endless socials and team building events). In my case, time away was minimised as much as possible (2-3 days per week) and as I got older, I got it down to 1-2 days and I spent most if not all alone in my hotel room. I generally did not phone home, this wasn't because I did not care, but because I knew I would miss home dreadfully if I did. Others did the phone home thing, but carried on regardless once the phone was down. I think you have to work out if this is what you want forever (or at least until retirement - when you will have little in common anyway) or if you want to disturb the status quo. This could be by moving to somewhere that suits you better etc. with him in agreement, or deciding that you need to part ways, if so, legal advice. Sorry to not be more positive, but you deserve more than just the mortgage paid. HTH xx

I can't believe he's not even brought this up himself, as in to ask if you're OK with all of this? I get that some jobs require travel and absence can make the heart grow fonder yada yada but this is a complete piss take. Yes, you could move somewhere where you have more of a social life yourself, but is that actually going to address the complete imbalance of power in your relationship? Ok he might HAVE to travel, but to not even consider that it could be an issue for you and assume you'll just pick up the slack at home? Na. Fuck the 2 week holiday in July, start living life for you man.

@FedUpSittingHereAloneEveryNight
"Also don't you guys talk in the evenings or video call?" I wondered this too. I'm the one who travels for work (not nearly as often, but I can be away for days at a time) and I wouldn't want to let the day go by without checking in when I can, and calling in the evening to talk to husband and kids. Granted, I don't have to socialise in the evenings as part of the job.

This really is no way to live...

Something has to give and i hope it isn't your mental /physical health...

Like hell I'd tolerate not knowing where he was.... When my partner is away on business.... He sends flight /hotel details and we speak daily....

I couldn't cope with your set up tbh!

If you want to stay with him... Could you increase your social opportunities locally.

The is part and parcel of the industry OP, but I would suggest having a conversation with you DH as from experience this sort of situation creates enormous rifts I’m sorry to say.

Get a plan! When the kids are gone you should move somewhere where there is more of a sense of community. Talk to your DH too and tell him how you feel. He probably doesn’t even realise, he’s on his work treadmill and doesn’t stop to think…

Find yourself a hobby, interests and things to do

My partner is in the entertainment industry so is away a lot. I have a life outside of him, good friends, a busy job and outside interests. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss him horribly when he’s away but it means that I have my own support system and network away from him which helps.