Toilet training before school

[jackass232]

I saw a piece on the news last night about how there's been a big rise in the number of children starting school not fully toilet trained. I think the figures were something like 13% of kids in any reception class are not fully trained and that teachers are on average spending 2.5 hours per day dealing with toileting accidents and issues.

Obviously this is quite shocking (I expected to see a MN post about it actually, sorry if I missed one) but I can sympathise as my ds started reception with issues surrounding pooing - mostly holding onto it, becoming constipated and having leaks. I remember always packing spare pants for him and I know the TA had to help him change a lot. This wasn't anything to do with laziness on my part. He was just hard to toilet train and continued with these issues for quite some years. The school was always lovey about it but I felt very embarrassed and upset on behalf of my son.

I feel the general narrative behind this story is that parents just can't be arsed to toilet train their kids and are happily sending them in and letting teachers deal with them. But that's not always the case. I know it's a big drain on schools but what's the answer? And why has there been such a rise?

My son turned 2 at beginning of January and he is no where near ready to be trained. He just throws the potty and is scared of the toilet. My girls were trained by 2.5

We potty trained ours at or just before 2 years and at this age you have to make them do it. Some kids are relatively easy but for others it requires a skilful combination of consistency and firmness, while at the same time not showing frustration or desperation. If the culture has moved away from this approach parents will not necessarily have learned these skills.

Edited to add that our boys were capable of training at 24 months, girls a little earlier.

For some kids I think potty training is a nightmare whatever age you do it! I remember DS1 aged 2 on one occasion sitting on the potty for half an hour in front of the TV. He would not let his wee out without a nappy and we had to give him one because he started crying that his tummy was hurting.
I thought DS2 would be easier as he grasped weeing on the toilet very early. But he absolutely refused to poo sitting down, even with a nappy on. So glad to be well past that stage!

Do you think working parents is having an impact too? My DD is just 3 and steadfastly refuses to potty train. If I was at home I could tell her we're just doing it and follow through but nursery refuse to enforce it if she doesn't want to- they say she'll be ready in her own time which I sort of agree with but I also think she needs a bit of telling now. I have a week off at Easter so intend to do it then but when she's somewhere else 5 days a week, I do need the nursery to be on board. I don't want her still in pull ups at school- it's not fair on the teachers

Up until the 2010 equality act many children were not allowed to start school/ nursery in nappies which discriminated against children with development delay and other disabilities
I have a severely disabled child who I managed to.toilet train when he was around 9/10 if people really think that it's easier keeping a child in nappies because parents can't be bothered toilet training them 5hen they clearly have never been in the position of having to change the nappy of an older child
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When mine started playgroup at 2.5, they had to be dry. This was, admittedly, 20 years ago for the eldest.

Unless there are additional needs or issues, it’s fairly shocking to not be toilet trained by reception age.

Agreed.

All 3 of my Dcs were potty trained before 2.

It was a test of patience, calmness and resilience on my part with heaps of praise and work. Me and DH work full time so we had to do it over bank holidays which gave us 4 days.

For the first 3 days nothing happened, they weren't getting it, it seemed easier to give up as they "werent ready", by day 4 it all started clicking into place.

But yes, putting your child on the potty every 15/20 mins for 3 days straight is draining but as a parent you owe it to your child.

I’m curious at what age you started? Im not judging you in the slightest by the way, it sounds like a very tough situation. But I think so many people consider training at 2.5 relatively early now whereas in reality, if you start at around 18 months, it comes before the stage when kids start to develop push back and perhaps stress about it, because it’s just something you do. Again this wasn’t a comment on you or your child, it was a response to the OP’s question.

My health visitor used to say 'start at 2 finish at 3, start at 3 finish at 3'

Im always a bit surprised by these reports as i work in an infant school and the only children in nappies have significant special needs. The other children have the odd accident. But its normally around either constipation and leaks or upset tummies or just not quite getting for a wee on time because they are interested in what they are doing, scared to ask or scared of school toilets.

I do live in a wealthier area

Exactly. I have a child (ASD and dyspraxia) who wasn't out of nappies until 3.5. Tried younger but couldn't get it. His motor skills are generally very poor. My other child easily got out of nappies in a few days just after turning 2.

Started at bang on 2.

Your son clearly had an issue - but that wasn’t a lack of training or effort on your part.

I have several friends who honestly don’t want to put the effort in. One had a panic and trained because her son needed to start school. Another’s child is 3 years 4 months and she just hasn’t given it a go - says she doesn’t use the potty. I started with both of mine around 2 and it feels odd my 2 year old being in pants and her nearly 3.5 year not even in the throws of training.

IME parents have an expectation it will just happen. Potty training is the first thing we actively teach our children rather than it being passive and frankly some parents are lazy.

A lot of people aren't prepared for how hard it is, mine took loads longer than the 3 days people quote and they hated the potties at first.

So the general consensus is that it's lazy parenting. Very predictable. Not in our case though. Ds continued withholding until he was probably about 6-7. It was a nightmare and we tried lots of behavioural and medical things to improve it. It upsets me that teachers probably thought I was a shit, lazy parent who just didn't bother.

I do agree that the degree of potty training possible depends on age. If you start at 3 they can be fully independent. At 2 they may need reminding to go and help with clothes. Again this is possibly more effort for parents than changing a wet nappy.

Definitely- the hardest part about training is having the 3-5 days at home/with parents. I found it hard to organise around work.

Mine were trained at 20 months back in the 90s - not because I was super mum, but solely because they grew out of the biggest nappies available at the time! As nappies get bigger, people will leave it later as there’s no urgency.

In the vast majority of cases most kids will be reliably toilet trained before they go to school ,in the great scheme of things it doesn't really matter whether kids achieve continence at two and a half or three and a half .

OP the general consensus is right, but its only a general overview, many of the posters realize there are exceptions to the rule and you are clearly one of them.

We’re talking about a trend though. Kids like yours will have always existed but a large proportion of the 13% will be kids who would have been trained by 2 or 3 thirty years ago. Your DS might get lumped in with them in some people’s eyes but generally people understand that there have always been a minority of kids with specific issues

I’m sure teachers can tell the difference between a child that isn’t trained and a child that is experiencing issues.

My eldest isn’t dry at night - he’s 5. My youngest is and he’s 2. I approached training the same way with each.

I disagree. If you scale up to the whole population a year of extra nappies for each kid is an enormous environmental burden.

You didn't see kids in nappies in school a generation ago because they were not allowed to attend in nappies which meant disabled kids or kids that were developmentally delayed for whatever reason were discriminated against thankfully we don't discriminated anymore

I’m sure I’m not the only one who remembers a clothes horse draped with younger siblings’ steaming nappies in front of the fire in winter - in the days before most people had automatic washing machines, let alone tumble driers.

People (or rather women!) had a much greater incentive to get on with it.

To be entirely fair, though, it was rather easier if you were a SAHP, as more mothers were a few decades ago, and could focus on it for say a week or 10 days. Which was all it took for both of mine at shortly over 2 - the age at which I’d read that they were usually physiologically ready - as in being able to ‘hold it’ for a short while at least, rather than automatically ‘letting go’.

So children weren't neurodivergent in the 90s? Maybe it wasn't diagnosed but what difference does diagnosis make?

There were still neurodivergent children and those children were still toilet trained earlier than they are now. There were a few that had more serious problems who couldn't be and that is still the case now but they were a small minority.

It clearly is possible because people did it. 🙄 The only difference is parenting.