To ask for help with helping my daughter - first heartbreak :(

[tiredmama23]

My 17 year old daughter has had her heart well and truly broken by a guy she's been dating for only a few months. She was totally head over heels (we've all been there at that age I guess), and genuinely feels that her world has ended. It's been made so much worse by the fact he's the guy she lost her virginity to, so really she trusted him. Added to that, he dumped her over text 😫

She only found out yesterday and spent all evening crying, she refused anything to eat. She has come home early from college today still in tears, after calling my partner (her stepdad) from college to collect her while I was work because she "can't face being here". Since they got home a few hours ago she hasn't moved from her bed. I've been in to talk to her and she won't engage, just one word answers.

Things I've tried:

• hugs and general empathy
• telling her she will find someone lots better and he's just paved the way for that
• telling her she's beautiful and was too good for him anyway (I'm obviously biased as she's my daughter but she's a stunning young lady)
• telling her it hurts like hell now but it won't always and I promise it gets better
• telling her we can go for some food and the cinema this weekend just the two of us as a distraction and some TLC for her

However she continues to sob (and sob).

I don't know what else to do, I hate seeing my beautiful and usually bright and happy girl like this. What else can I do? 🙁

I wish my mum had given a shit about my emotional well-being at any age. I think you sound like a lovely Mum @tiredmama23
Of course you’re pissed off at this immature boyo wanting to have his cake and eat it too.
You are nurturing your DD and hopefully helping to foster self esteem so that she can see him for what he is, doesn’t go back and makes better romantic choices as she grows.
Heartache is gruesome at any age, but if your daughter knows that she is resilient enough to be undiminished by this boy, she will be the master her own happiness.
Be there for her like you are. Bring her chocolates, bring her treats, give her hugs even if she rolls her eyes. Don’t let her question her worth.

Good god OP. You need help now. This is like watching you have a breakdown on an Internet forum and I think mumsnet need to delete everything.

I'm sorry but from your previous thread now its clear you let her get way too serious about this boy. Meals with parents etc after just a few months at 17 is quite frankly OTT. Don't get so involved, back off and be honest with her, its just been a few months and there will be plenty more heartbreaks.

Thank you so much that's lovely x

Apart from what you’re doing, just tell her the sun will come out again eventually, even though it seems like the end of the world now.

And OP, just be thankful you’re there - I once had this scenario with my poor dd on the phone from the other end of the earth - in New Zealand! But at least it finished her for good with a bloke who’d been an arse on and off for a few years.

I'm not having a breakdown. I'm calling out gaslighting and goadiness / unpleasantness. And rightly so. Yes my mental health isn't the best and I've already acknowledged that. But some posters on this thread have been unpleasant towards me for no reason and that's not OK.

It's because AIBU is full of unhelpful opinions. Maybe the Relationships board would be a more appropriate place for tips.

Noted for future, thank you

You seemingly only agree with posters who think you’re doing the right thing and anyone else is wrong. Not suggesting you should accept personal attacks but AIBU is robust and needs a thick skin.

Your reactions are not normal, I’m sorry you can’t see that. Good luck.

I did the opposite of getting involved for the first 2 months, precisely for this reason, in case it all went wrong. I set an arbitrary timeframe of 2 months and said to her if she was still with him then, I'd happily meet him. I told her to slow it down, to step back a bit, to wait before she slept with him; etc etc. She really wanted me to meet him after just 2 weeks! I said no way, at least 2 months then I'll meet him. The meal out was DD's suggestion, not mine - she said the pub / restaurant was closer to the boyfriend's work and easier for him to get to on public transport than our house.

So no I don't think I've contributed to this or encouraged her to get carried away, if anything I've done the opposite.

Who gets to determine "normal"? I happen to think many responses on here aren't normal. We all have a different normal don't we.

So @IfYourHorseSaysNo

If you had read a comment aimed at you, and you knew exactly what it had said word for word, and you reported it and it got deleted, and then someone said to you "No one said that, you're twisting words now".

You'd just happily accept that? You wouldn't speak up for yourself in the face of blatant gaslighting?

In that case I'm sorry you don't call out shitty behaviour towards you. I do. And I won't apologise for it.

This has all the advice you need.

She will need to figure this out for herself but you can give her all the support she wants.

It's a horrible thing to go through - my DD and her serious bf of 4 years split up and it was really awful. It was very hard to see her go through it and for a while she needed me more than usual.

At the time I would have taken on the pain for her if humanly possible but actually as humans travelling through life we are all going to - and need to - go through these rites of passage.

She'll get through it and she'll be fine 💐

Someone asked me how DD is doing today - she's only just got out of bed and is saying she's not going to college. I can't force her.

I would really try to get her to college OP:

’You will feel better’
’Don't let him balls up your future’
’Go and see your friends - they’ll help’
’Go and see how you get on’
’It’s sad but life goes on’
’Don’t let the bastard win’

On repeat…

It's not 'blatant gaslighting' when I didn't see the comment. It's been deleted. I've acknowledged that. But I will not apologise for gaslighting, when it's not the case. This is a perfect example of you overreacting and using therapy words to make a mountain out of a molehill.

This is a perfect example of you overreacting and using therapy words to make a mountain out of a molehill.

Having read everything, this comment sums up OP perfectly. I don’t know if it’s just attention seeking drama llama stuff or something more. I know someone like this IRL and she just can’t see it.

It's massively manipulative to accuse people of making your mental health worse when you have willingly posted on a forum for people's views ffs. Just like when tried to make someone feel awful for not knowing your mum had passed or you have mental health problems

Yep. I think a lot of people can see what’s happening here.

Tried that. She's gone back to bed 😫

I've got the morning off only. My boss couldn't give me the full day.

Yes her friends are fantastic but I think she's even shutting them out a bit tbh.

There's some helpful and supportive stuff in amongst all the utter guff, hence I'm still engaging.

At the time I would have taken on the pain for her if humanly possible but actually as humans travelling through life we are all going to - and need to - go through these rites of passage.

Yes this how I feel, she's my child and I want to take her pain off her but I know I can't, and that she needs to experience it herself. But it's just awful seeing her spark so dulled 😟 I want my happy girl back.