To ask for help with helping my daughter - first heartbreak :(

[tiredmama23]

My 17 year old daughter has had her heart well and truly broken by a guy she's been dating for only a few months. She was totally head over heels (we've all been there at that age I guess), and genuinely feels that her world has ended. It's been made so much worse by the fact he's the guy she lost her virginity to, so really she trusted him. Added to that, he dumped her over text 😫

She only found out yesterday and spent all evening crying, she refused anything to eat. She has come home early from college today still in tears, after calling my partner (her stepdad) from college to collect her while I was work because she "can't face being here". Since they got home a few hours ago she hasn't moved from her bed. I've been in to talk to her and she won't engage, just one word answers.

Things I've tried:

• hugs and general empathy
• telling her she will find someone lots better and he's just paved the way for that
• telling her she's beautiful and was too good for him anyway (I'm obviously biased as she's my daughter but she's a stunning young lady)
• telling her it hurts like hell now but it won't always and I promise it gets better
• telling her we can go for some food and the cinema this weekend just the two of us as a distraction and some TLC for her

However she continues to sob (and sob).

I don't know what else to do, I hate seeing my beautiful and usually bright and happy girl like this. What else can I do? 🙁

Being invested in your daughter is normal, of course. Talk, hug, distract. She’ll be ok.

But, I’ve just read this and all of the other thread and you’re really not coming across well OP. You seem to be enjoying the attention and arguing and trying to make people feel guilty for their comments by bringing up an ill toddler and the loss of your mother. It feels very manipulative, game playing, attention seeking to me. You are very OTT and irrational. The whole thing seems very ‘off’.

Reported! lol

Thanks for your input

There's absolutely nothing wrong of course with anyone else's comments or tone on this thread or the other one. It's ALL me being "manipulative and attention seeking". Me just existing in a vacuum where everyone else's behaviour is spot on, and only mine is inappropriate.

Gotcha. Sounds feasible 🤔

I think you should do what you said you were going to, leave the threads.

Maybe you could try to access some therapy as your reactions don’t seem ‘normal’. That’s understandable if you have unresolved issues but I’d recommend trying to deal with them to get your mental health in a better place.

@IfYourHorseSaysNo

I've been in therapy for years but thanks for the suggestion

The other thing to remember is that, as adults, we have all had our hearts broken. But the first time it happens to you, you dont have anything to compare it to. So it is extra devastating, if you see what I mean - you dont know how you will get over it.

AIBU is the worst thread for this

That’s good. I hope you can get to a better place. Sometimes a change of therapist is beneficial.

I'll also say that it's so easy to say to an OP, you're not coming across well. There are a number of posters not coming across well here. Including the one who I disengaged from directly but who is now continuing to make mocking comments on posts, such as "reported! lol". Another "he ran for the hills when he saw what mum was like".

Anyone who thinks that sort of deliberately unpleasant goadiness comes across well, has questionable judgement. So I'm not sure why the hyperfocus on how I'm coming across. 🤷‍♀️

But hey, I can hold my head up high because I'm here to seek advice and support to be a better parent, and thank you to those who've genuinely helped me with that. The others are here for their own entertainment and to make another person feel shit for their entertainment.

I know which person I'd rather be.

OP, we've all been here when younger and it really hurts. All you can do is be strong and supportive so she can come to you when she needs, but you can't go through it for her, she has to work through it herself.

You said that her college work is slipping and I might be wrong, but I wonder if that coincides with her seeing this boy, because no teenager ever born will prioritise A level results over intense first love.

Encourage her to see her friends, be there but don't force your presence on her, don't demonise him and remember most of us have been where she is and survived.

I think it’s more that you are not even prepared to consider an opposing POV to yours OP. That’s what comes across as ‘difficult’.

For what it’s worth, I think there’s a balance between ‘leaving her to it’ and being ‘overly invested’ and I don’t feel you’ve trod that line. I would back off and let her be a little. Talk of ‘girls days’ and treats seems a little OTT for the end of a first love.

Where have I not been prepared to consider an opposing view? Where that's put across respectfully, I'll listen. But you cannot expect a person to engage with posters writing things like "it's your fault she can't cope" or "you're not healthy for her". Is that really the best way to encourage a person to consider an alternative view? I'd argue not. I'd argue that's just sheer unpleasantness and a personal attack.

@tiredmama23 another "he ran for the hills when he saw what mum was like"

Look, nobody said this, OP! PP joked that an 18 year old guy in a new, casual (to him) relationship might have run for the hills after his girlfriend organised a big (for him) too serious and formal meeting with her whole family. Either you are intentionally twisting people's words, or you are genuinely misinterpreting them. Either way, I think you should take the feedback on board that being overdramatic isn't the best way to help your daughter. Be sympathetic and supportive, but grounded and calm. Having a bitch fest with your teen daughter and her best friend isn't showing her how to rise above.

What do you mean?

Let's move back to the important part of this

OP - how is your dd this morning?

When it happened to my dd her friends were massively important- especially for venting!

Making sure she had whatever food she felt like, including treats, going out just to grab her a Starbucks smoothie. Listening when she needed it. Going out when she was ready

Was also 17, few months relationship and had lost her virginity
Day after one of her so-called mates sent a video of her kissing him in a club. Cow

It took a few weeks but it did get better. She put all her energy into passing her driving test - something specific to focus on was good

Hugs - it's a tricky one to navigate

But the way you are banging on and being so irrational can you really not see how it could be learned behaviour that she's struggling to cope with what is essentially a minor upset in the scheme of life?

@innerdesign

Yes, someone DID say exactly that, @ludicrouslycapaciousbags wrote:

"He ran for the hills when he saw what mum was like 🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃"

It has now been rightly deleted. You'll see about an hour ago, a deleted comment and my comment "reported"

Wow I think you owe me an apology for this gas lighting?!

Twisting peoples words?? Mumsnet deleted a comment that read "maybe he ran for the hills when he saw what mum was like", by @ludicrouslycapaciousbags.

I'm in disbelief at the lengths people are now going to discredit me. Awful.

Seriously this is causing you so much more distress than it should be . It's not normal

No, I do not! I didn't see that comment, I'll take your word for it that it was posted. I'm absolutely not apologising for gaslighting. Fucking hell. Too much time spend navel gazing and on TikTok OP. Grow up

It's because AIBU is full of unhelpful opinions. Maybe the Relationships board would be a more appropriate place for tips.

I reckon you should let your 17 year old sob and sob as much as she likes for a couple of weeks, and she'll eventually come through. Keep her busy in the days and evenings. For me, the evenings were always the worst after my first break up (aged 21 after being together since we were 15). But after about a month I could go on about my day without crying, and that was a real turning point.

If she doesn't improve after a fortnight, then maybe it'll be time to try a different tactic. Every first heartbreak is difficult, but also different between us all 😅

@innerdesign

This is the comment now deleted that previously stated exactly what I've said it stated.

Feel free to verify that with Mumsnet.

I'll await an apology for the gaslighting and accusations of "twisting words".

Oh "grow up", that's original.

Can anyone else who saw that comment with the running emoji please back me up here????

I feel like I'm losing my mind here with people saying I'm inventing stuff?! 😟