Won't marry or commit financially

[Charlotte778]

My partner and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a child together and I have an older child from a previous relationship.
I moved into his home after a year of dating.
Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own.
The main issue is him denying marrying me.
When I get down to the nitty gritty, it's purely financial. He doesn't want to share or lose the home he has bought and paid off. He makes silly excuses like he doesn't want a party with a load of my family he barely knows etc. He shouts that women get everything in a divorce!!!
I've offered to sign a contract, a pre nup or whatever, but he gets angry and defensive about it. I want to marry for love and our future...
So nowI have no husband and zero financial security and he holds all the cards. This attitude has caused me so much unhappiness and it's changed how I feel about him.
I don't want his house, I want the father of my child to want me to feel loved and secure.
I work hard and earn a decent income. I buy everything for the kids and contribute to household maintenence.
Have I wasted 10 years auditioning for a role he was never going to give me?
Should I move on with my life as marriage is something I've always wanted and now I'm in my late forties....
I feel he's busy feathering his own nest and lost sight of what is actually important....
AIBU? Should I just be grateful for my family?

Yabu. I have more assets than my p

Yabu. I have more assets than my partner. Why would I risk losing them by marrying him? He is being sensible.

To be honest @Charlotte778, that last post was a massive drip feed. Not giving the full picture, impacted the advice posters gave.

I still think you should leave though. He sounds like a jerk.

Agree.

Agreed.
So many on MN bleat away about how important marriage is to them and they want the commitment and financial security... yet they've already had a kid with the bloke. Just seems and odd and counterproductive way to go about things.

That's quite a bit of a drip feed @Charlotte778

I'm.not going to comment on the relationship with your eldest child, but focus more on the marriage

He has made his feelings on marriage very clear. He is telling you very bluntly by his words and actions he doesnt want to be married. You can't force anyone into marriage. There is no magic words that will change his mind.

I'm.sorry to be blunt, but you have only 2 options
...1 Accept that's the situation and continue living as you are.
....2. Leave and find someone who will marry you and will meet your romantic expectations of owning a house and living as husband and wife.

If you feel you are covered financially and are not naive, then that's fine.

I think we are trying to open your eyes to the fact that everything is fine, until it isn't.
Relationships do break up.

.....Dont be one of those women who thinks he will never leave you or he if does he will help you financially. . Because he won't. There is no such thing as 'common law husband and wife'
...Dont be one of those women in 5, 10, 20 years time who come back onto mumsnet upset and devasted because he's fucked off with some new woman, has kicked you out the house, homeless, no savings, no pension.

Your old romantic feelings will.mean diddly squat if that happens.

The only issue I genuinely had, is that I wanted to own a home together, and be married like our parents who have clocked up 100 years between them!!
I'm an old romantic, that's all.

And you still have that issue. And you will always have that issue. Because he doesn't love you enough to marry you.

OK drip feed aside...

The long view is that in any relationship there are ups and downs in each others fortunes - someone loses a job, gets ill/has an accident, has a long term family problem to attend to - a sick parent, child or sibling etc and that's when you find out what real commitment looks like - that's when you support each other - between us, as a couple, we've experienced all of those things - these aren't just things that happen to other people.

I honestly think you have to pretend he's a good father and husband (he's obviously not) to hide the fact that you have behaved terribly as a mother (you have).

Who the hell has a wanted second child to a man who doesn't accept her half-orphaned child and won't commit?

Poor kid, poor kids.

Actually, my dear, what you want is not ' marriage' ......
The Big Issue of ' Marriage';( here) just symbolises what is actually wrong. Its just a symbolisation.
If you got married then the symbolisation would shift into something else. It would drive you crazy.
Do you think ' The ten minute ceremony in front of a few friends will suddenly. miraculously, make life perfect??????????
Im guessing theres something more serious going on. HE S not playing ball. How lonely that must be. With all the responsibilities that parenthood brings, the running of a home.. but yet hes on another page.
Why not take the focus off him.
Get some new hobbies.
Disappear for a few days.
If that dont work - give up trying.

I agree with this.

Read that, too.

Highly recommend the OP read it and cut her losses now. She may end up financially destitute if he dies/leaves her.

The thing is there are good men out there who will accept a step child and treat them as their own. My second DH took on 2 of my DS's with ADHD and goodness knows they were not easy when younger. I'd been dating my new bf for about a year when he wanted to move in together. I told him 6 months to see if we were compatible living together but DC and I came as a package deal. He told me he understood and if we got through 6 months successfully he'd ask me to marry him. 7 months later he proposed. The following year we got married. My DC are adults now and have a really strong relationship with DH. DH has been helping my youngest DS with DIY on his house one day over the last few weekends. They often go for a curry or cinema together.

I agree. Only a fool would marry someone when you own your own house outright and they don’t or don’t have the same degree of assets. You are basically just handing someone over 100k+ depending on the value of the house. Can hardly blame him for wanting to protect himself.

Having read the first page only, my conclusion is, I cant understand why they are still together. Either accept it or leave.
You dont have to marry some one to accept a step child as their own and that is a fact

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5017011-affair-and-left-penniless?postsby=Newchapterbeckons

This is the thread quite a few people have referred to. Read it OP - it's a wake up call.

I feel he's busy feathering his own nest and lost sight of what is actually important....

Don't rely on marriage for security. He is looking after no 1 and you should be to. Appreciate you have a child together which makes it disappointing but he should be contributing to his child's upkeep. If this is the way he wants to play it get a figure from CMS and make sure he gives you that as a contribution to his child's upkeep. If I were in your shoes I would be saving any money you can so you can bail yourself out if required.

if he complains say you have to look after yourself as you are not married so have to make contingency plans in the event of a split.

The only issue I genuinely had, is that I wanted to own a home together, and be married like our parents who have clocked up 100 years between them!!
that’s not true. You said clearly that he treats your older child as different and not his. That is a very very big issue.
also, you say you buy everything fir the kids. Why doesn’t he support his child? Start telling him to get things. I’m glad you have a job.

“We have a child together”

I guessed that from the thread title. Every. Single. Time.

First part of the ‘affair and left penniless’ thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5017011-affair-and-left-penniless?page=20&reply=133363979

I am confused. How long has he been saying this for?

Is it a new development? If so, how come you didn't marry before?

It doesn't sound lime you have been 'auditioning', sounds like he has been telling your for a while and you assumed he would give in eventually.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are both to blame here, he shouldn't of gotten involved with so one who allready has children as it was clearly a deal breaker for him and you shouldn't of had a child with him without first getting married as that was your deal breaker by the sounds of it, pre nups arnt legally binding so that would never work either

Your older child lost a parent and this man massively favours his 'own' child? I'm sorry @Charlotte778 I would never ever accept that for my dc who have lost a parent. Never.

Your partner wants the benefit of a wife without any responsibility towards her financial well-being or stability. I would not accept this for yourself, but mostly for your older dc or even younger one. It's not reasonable for the father of your child to leave you in such a precarious position.

This. Exactly this.

Don't underestimate the damage a deceased father/absent father and emotionally abusive step fathers can do to a child's mind.

I speak from experience

Your older child will likely never heal from this, even after years of therapy. The poor child.

I just read the massive drip feed @Charlotte778 about owning another property together. While I still think a 10 year old (at the time) should come first your financial situation is a bit different to how presented in the first post. You won't be left penniless. I'd think about how much maintenance you want to pay towards the home you live in together...