My snoring… spare room forever?

[SundayFundayz]

So I’m female, late 40s, married.
Over the last year or so my snoring has got worse. I’m carrying some extra weight and am working through that doing lots of exercise, and also have a stressful job. I’ve tried loads of things… making sure I lie on my side, sprays, snoring strips and I’m lying here at 2am and I’ve just ordered some awful mouth guard thing.

My real problem is my DH. He deals with it by shaking me until I get up and move into the spare room. But he also snores… not as badly as me I don’t think and normally in the morning. If he snores I just get up and go in the spare room, but he never will… he’ll just shake / nudge me then will complain the next day about how tired he is because it’s so hard to sleep next to me.

It makes me feel like crap… I feel guilty for keeping him awake, I feel really unattractive, quite embarrassed by it and because of this don’t like to talk about it. I know this sounds OTT but it’s really getting me down. I’m also a bit pissed off that he gets our lovely room with the expensive mattress and I get the slightly drafty spare room. Our marriage isn’t really in the best place at the moment anyway and I’m worried this is going to be the thing that tips us over the edge.

shall I just admit that our days of sharing a bed are over and make myself comfortable with a new mattress in the spare room? Or am I being unreasonable to expect him to deal with it a bit better and stop making me feel guilty?!

Yes, go make yourself a lovely new space in the spare room! When we've had the space to be able to do this (we don't at the moment as we are renting!) we've got on much better as couple as a result of everyone sleeping properly.

You're doing things about your snoring - good.
what’s he doing about his?
he shakes you when you’re snoring. What if you shook him to wake him up?
options

1. end the unhappy marriage and sleep through the night in a lovely bedroom decorated to your heart’s content
2. Make the spare room nicer. Good new mattress, lights/lamps, nice soft furniture. If you’re in there for any length of time it needs to be so nice you prefer going in there.

Just get a sleep study and get a CPAP. Snoring solved.

In all seriousness, you have sleep apnea. The snoring isn't the worst part; it's when you stop breathing between the snores that is scary. Shaking the apneic parter awake is very common in this situation. Get yourself sorted with CPAP, partner will see how much better you are sleeping and may go get one himself to help his snoring. You'll be able to share the room again.

I think the snorer should go to the spare room. In your case it's both of you but I assume you snore much more and loudly so you should go to the spare room. Have you been to the GP? Your DH isn't reacting in the best way but it's so frustrating being woken up nightly by snoring.

I was going to say this. Its unhealthy for you, so for your own sake, solve it. And then your relationship might get better.
Im a light sleeper and DH snores. I also push him, gently, but to him it feels strong. When I push him, he stops for some time. But I often cant fall back asleep because Im stressed. And during these nights, I dont feel in love.
We are around your age and he sleeps in the spare room, which makes me a bit sad, but its more confortable this way. And other than that, the relationship is fine. We can find time to have s*x during the day.

@Anuta77 that’s how I feel… just a bit sad about it all. And I feel like it’s all my fault even though it’s (partly) outside my control (I know shifting some more weight will help, but I still snore when thinner, just not as much.

thanks all for your comments. I do understand how frustrating it is for him. Probably bigger issues here that I need to deal with but it’s easier to focus on the obvious problem!

Relationships are all different, some people even chose not to live together. Im trying not to compare myself with the romantic image of a couple sleeping together, hugging and what not. Affection can be incorporated at other moments.
Apparently, I snore sometimes too and I`m thin. Maybe its just the age.

I wear loop earplugs as my DH snores loudly. When I put them in it's as though I have switched him off! They are the only thing that has enabled us to share a bed. No other earplugs helped

@SundayFundayz I know how you feel. I’m a snorer. It’s a familial thing. All the women in my family are snorers. But. Not all snoring is sleep apnoea. There is a difference. If you pause breathing and struggle to breathe in and cause a lot of noise in trying to get that breath then that’s likely to be sleep apnoea which is bad for your health. But it’s probably not that. Anyway. I have a mouth guard and it’s been transformative. What a difference. I hope you get the same relief from snoring I have.

Thanks for giving me hope… it’s on the way! Can I ask what one you went for?

Op.. just slightly in his defence, sleep deprivation next to someone who chronically snores is akin to torture, my ex was a chronic snorer.

However, as pp said you are trying your best to do something about it, he should be more supportive.

Can you link to them? No earplugs are good enough to block out my DH. Separate beds is a bit sad but does mean much less resentment. I hated not being able to sleep which made me hate him every morning. He snore so he is in the spare room!

1. no one here can diagnose you with sleep apnoea & it's ridiculous to do so. But - it's a possibility so you need to speak to your doctor as its a condition which needs to be taken seriously
2. you need a conversation with your husband. Its not ok to make someone move in the middle of the night after rudely waking them. You need to agree a way of dealing with it.

If a conversation is really impossible then two things:

• couples therapy (and if he refuses or it doesn't work then you have bigger problems)
• if snoring is a nightly issue, whoever its from, then you take it in turns to sleep in the marital bed or the spare

I was the one who had to sleep next to a snorer and it is absolutely rage inducing and it lingers the next day too when you are feeling tired and grumpy. If you want to improve your marriage separate bedrooms is the only way to go unless you fix it. For me it became a mental issue too in the sense that I couldn't fall asleep even when he wasn't snoring because I was just there in bed waiting for it to start. Very stressful. Make the spareroom nice and comfy so you both can get a good nights sleep.

It's great that you are looking to lose weight, it may well be that that is the issue if you haven't always snored and you have gained weight lately. Look at the diet more than the exercise though as that is what will help you to lose weight. Exercise alone is nowhere near as efficient.

@SundayFundayz I switch between a couple. I get mine from Amazon, my fave is a Diffney. The other is a Snore Eeze. They are quite different. With the diffney you need to keep your mouth shut but there is space in the mouth guard that you can breathe through your mouth if you want to. With the snore-eeze you can actually open your mouth. Both have adjustments to make your lower jaw more prominent ie. Pulls it forward.
when you first use it don’t advance your jaw and get used to it for a couple of days. Then you can advance as much or little as needed. You might feel it in your teeth for first couple of days but that soon goes. Good luck. I use mine every single night. I hate being without it now.

How can someone be diagnosed as having sleep apnea just because they snore? Not all snorers have it

He's an asshole. Like so many men, he thinks 'equal' means 'I get everything my way and she is simply there to make that happen'.

These men usually progress into 'she isn't helping make my life what I want it to be anymore so I will either a) treat her like shit or b) find someone else and cheat/ leave'.

Sounds like he's already moved into a) mode unfortunately.

Do the same to him! When his snoring wakes you up, at whatever time, shake him awake and tell him to go to the spare room.

He won’t appreciate how annoying that is until you make him do it.

Stop feeling embarrassed and get angry as to why there’s one rule for you and one rule for him.

Oh bless you! I know this feeling well. If you want to sleep in the same bed, you may need to lose the excess weight but what I find is that once you know it's an issue, you never really sleep easy again as you're so concerned you're waking them up.

I'd be pissed off if he snores tho, tell him he's equally as annoying but you're not so rude to treat him the same way. Why doesn't he go to the spare room?

We have seperate rooms and usually come together at the weekend but then I slip off into my room as I can't sleep. At first it broke my heart but now I have a sanctuary of pink with a comfy bed, soft lighting and a sleep playlist. It's so zen! Thoroughly recommend

Lose the weight and if you're still snoring go to the Doctors and try and fix it.

We now have separate bedrooms. Sex is better than before - we both sleep well to our own timetable and our own (age related) snoring patterns, and have sex when we want and not at my least favourite time which is just before going to sleep.

I’m working on redecorating my new room, but all my stuff is still in ‘his’ room because that’s an emotional hurdle we just can’t get past.

It isn’t your fault, and he’s a twat for making you feel shit about it. Make the spare bedroom a lovely room for you. Get a new mattress, decorate and get some lovely bedding. There are worse things than sleeping on your own in peace.

You need to see your GP. I ended a relationship due in part, a big part, to his snoring.
When you say you are carrying extra weight, how much extra are you carrying?
Do you drink alcohol? Smoke?
The GP told my ex to lose weight and stop drinking. He didn't care enough to do so and it was the end of our relationship.
Your husband needs to see the GP too.

I've had numerous infections from wearing ear plugs due to living with a snorer. It's not a magic solution unfortunately. They are ones I dispose of after each night too

Make spare room nicer. Get same standard of bed. Lovely fluffy blankets.