My snoring… spare room forever?

[SundayFundayz]

So I’m female, late 40s, married.
Over the last year or so my snoring has got worse. I’m carrying some extra weight and am working through that doing lots of exercise, and also have a stressful job. I’ve tried loads of things… making sure I lie on my side, sprays, snoring strips and I’m lying here at 2am and I’ve just ordered some awful mouth guard thing.

My real problem is my DH. He deals with it by shaking me until I get up and move into the spare room. But he also snores… not as badly as me I don’t think and normally in the morning. If he snores I just get up and go in the spare room, but he never will… he’ll just shake / nudge me then will complain the next day about how tired he is because it’s so hard to sleep next to me.

It makes me feel like crap… I feel guilty for keeping him awake, I feel really unattractive, quite embarrassed by it and because of this don’t like to talk about it. I know this sounds OTT but it’s really getting me down. I’m also a bit pissed off that he gets our lovely room with the expensive mattress and I get the slightly drafty spare room. Our marriage isn’t really in the best place at the moment anyway and I’m worried this is going to be the thing that tips us over the edge.

shall I just admit that our days of sharing a bed are over and make myself comfortable with a new mattress in the spare room? Or am I being unreasonable to expect him to deal with it a bit better and stop making me feel guilty?!

This is horrific advice.

I snore really loudly and now permanently sleep in another room. I got tested for apnoea but didn't have it, so the NHS basically told me to piss off.

Have tried every strip, strap, spray and mouthguard and nothing helps. Current plan is to win the euromillions and spend most of it on plastic surgery in LA

It's worth getting a sleep study. Sleep apnea isn't always caused by excess weight.

Do you wake up tired? I used to have to shake DH awake, who insisted he wasn't even asleep and was always knackered. Sleep study showed sleep aponea, stopped breathing on average every 6 minutes in his sleep! Hasn't snored once since he got his CPAP machine, is a much happier person. Before we couldn't even watch a TV show because he'd fall asleep every single time we sat down together. Now he almost never falls asleep downstairs.

Nonsense. I take it you’ve never tried to get a good nights sleep next to a heavy snorer? It’s absolute torture. Literally.

Horrific?? People DIE from sleep apnea. I am genuinely glad you don't have apnea but please, please, don't encourage people to not seek medical treatment and have their disease worsen.
Sincerely,
Sleep Medicine professional of 14 years

Honestly if you can afford it i'd move into the spare room, do it up how you want it and make it your room. I love my husband but i also love sleeping alone! No one to disturb me, no one for me to disturb, bed all to myself, can have sleep sounds on, love it :-)
I sleep much better and am in a better mood.

Where do you buy those? I hear everything even with the expensive earplug on amazon, its terrible!

If this was a man posting he'd be told in no uncertain terms to stop being selfish and get to the GP, stop drinking, stop smoking etc. Op has a responsibility to sort out this medical problem rather than just move to the spare room.

I agree with PP that it's not your fault. But it's absolutely torture for the person being woken constantly by snoring.
I can't bear snoring and if my bf snores (mostly after booze) having to constantly prod him to get him to stop is not fun either. So I sympathise with your DH.

Agree the ground rules with him calmly and crucially not in the middle of the night! So either agree who will move (eg you could alternate who gets up to sleepsin the spare room) or agree on something else (eg every other night you sleep apart). No one should have to be woken constantly with snoring so you have to deal with it somehow and separate bedrooms is really the only practical option if the gadgets don't work for you.

My DH was you and in the end he just moved into the spare room permanently

I have snored since I was twenty years old. I went to go because my friend noticed I stop breathing while sleeping. I wasn't bad enough for sleep study but gp noticed that I have deviated septum that can cause snoring. I got referral to ENT and they put me forward to surgery to fix my nose. Really interested to see if it helps with my snoring. Currently waiting for the surgery appointment.

My DH is a very loud snorer. He has had his septum corrected twice (the operation only lasts for 5-7yrs). He has had multiple sleep studies (no apnea). He has tried mouth guards, nose strips, sleeping positions, losing weight. Still snores loud enough to be heard from the other side of the house through a closed door.

I should have insisted on my own bedroom a lot sooner. It was torture never getting any sleep. I let it go on for years thinking this or that might work. I used to go to bed early, and he late so I’d get a few hours before he came to bed. We didn’t have a spare room.

I was silly believing all the sage advice of separate bedrooms lead to divorce. Of worrying what people would think who come over and can see quite plainly we do not share a bedroom. Of the DC blabbing to friends who would blab to their parents and then gossip.

Eventually, turned our dining room into a bedroom for one DC and I moved into their old bedroom and made it my bedroom.

I even now book us adjoining or adjacent hotel rooms when we go away- I don’t care what random people think anymore about our marriage or love for each other.

I have to say, it saved our marriage to decide to have our own bedrooms and prioritise our sleep and health. My husband is much happier too as he said he was fed up being shoved awake- the snorer gets poor sleep too. I tiptoe to his room for sex (when DC are sleeping) and I feel a bit like a young teenager sneaking to my boyfriend in the spare room when at my parents. We get along a lot better as our nights are not hours of irritating each other.

QuietOn earplugs have been a game changer for me. Expensive, but block out most of the "snore range" sound. Be warned that you have to pay import charges/vat unless you can find them elsewhere.

Make an appointment at a sleep clinic, even if just for your own health.

Sleep study! The. cPAP. NHS has given us a machine for mild apnea after the study ( you wear the equipment at home for a night.
Bye bye snoring!
or you may be able to wear one of those mouth guards - but you HAVE to go to a dentist to get a proper one made for you or you can damage your teeth.

Phone GP, get sleep study done, then they will tell you options.
And if you lose weight and stop snoring the machine belongs to the NHS anyway so they’ll have it back.

You weren't encouraging them to seek treatment. You told them based on a forum post (light on actual details of the symptoms) that they had sleep apnoea and to go and get a CPAP machine.

I'd expect a medical professional to be more... well, professional.

It's important to find out though. Sleep apnoea is life threatening.

Personally Id take and make the spare room my own. I love my room, I've spent a lot of time and money on it. It's like a giant hug.

Wtf? Seriously?
Being kept awake by loud snoring is torture. Doesn't make him an arsehole!

I know I do… and I am trying. I haven’t smoked in 20 years and drink maybe once a month / 6 weeks. This thread has helped me realised I need to go to the GP, I hadn’t thought it was important enough to bother them with, but I will make an appointment tomorrow.

To summarise the feedback…
*go to the GP
*make the spare bedroom beautiful
*DH is possibly a bit of a twat but it’s also hell to lie there listening to someone snore so we can forgive him a bit. But not entirely.

I do appreciate the comments, I was lying in tears posting this last night and don’t feel I can talk to anyone as what woman wants to admit she snores?! Maybe it can be Davinas next campaign once she’s sorted menopause out.

Most couples I know have there own sleeping rooms seems everyone is happier when they get sleep lol

I am a snorer and have been since a child - and I'm not the worst in my family. Not always, not the slightest cold, wrong g position etc sets it off.
My DH is a horribly light sleeper ( not just to my snoring!) but doesn't like me shifting g out. After 15 yrs we started sleeping top to tail when I snore - with earplugs too sometimes, and it's been a game changer for him.

Honestly, if a sleep monitor shows apnoa and you use a CPAP your life will be transformed. Because you’ll sleep better and be more rested and that will help you lose weight.

In all seriousness, you have sleep apnea. The snoring isn't the worst part; it's when you stop breathing between the snores that is scary.

I snore. I don't have sleep apnoea.

GP said no health issues associated with snoring. The only issue is if the partner can't get to sleep, or back to sleep.

I'm a big fan of separate bedrooms. And visiting. Then returning to separate bed bliss afterwards.

‘GP said no health issues associated with snoring. The only issue is if the partner can't get to sleep, or back to sleep.’

without wearing a sleep monitor the GP doesn’t know if someone has apnea or not, and if they are overweight and snore it’s much more likely they DO than DON’-T.

@SundayFundayz

Sleep apnea/snoring can both be caused by the muscles in the tongue and mouth losing their strength and tone as we age. (That’s why more older people have sagging jaw line and double chin even if they’re thin). The muscles drop and block the airways.

Google Myofacial Exercises or Myofacial Functioning to get some exercises to help.

here’s one to start you off;

https://www.sleepfoundation.org/snoring/mouth-exercises-to-stop-snoring