My snoring… spare room forever?

[SundayFundayz]

So I’m female, late 40s, married.
Over the last year or so my snoring has got worse. I’m carrying some extra weight and am working through that doing lots of exercise, and also have a stressful job. I’ve tried loads of things… making sure I lie on my side, sprays, snoring strips and I’m lying here at 2am and I’ve just ordered some awful mouth guard thing.

My real problem is my DH. He deals with it by shaking me until I get up and move into the spare room. But he also snores… not as badly as me I don’t think and normally in the morning. If he snores I just get up and go in the spare room, but he never will… he’ll just shake / nudge me then will complain the next day about how tired he is because it’s so hard to sleep next to me.

It makes me feel like crap… I feel guilty for keeping him awake, I feel really unattractive, quite embarrassed by it and because of this don’t like to talk about it. I know this sounds OTT but it’s really getting me down. I’m also a bit pissed off that he gets our lovely room with the expensive mattress and I get the slightly drafty spare room. Our marriage isn’t really in the best place at the moment anyway and I’m worried this is going to be the thing that tips us over the edge.

shall I just admit that our days of sharing a bed are over and make myself comfortable with a new mattress in the spare room? Or am I being unreasonable to expect him to deal with it a bit better and stop making me feel guilty?!

Absolutely, see the GP. Ex was a terrible snorer. He was referred for a sleep study and then had an op which fixed it completely. It was quite minor day surgery too. He had a sore throat for a while but nothing major.

Unfortunately that meant we could then sleep in the same bed again and upon realising I really didn't want to, he became an ex! 😂I felt a bit bad then but at least he was sorted for his next relationship!

Maybe separate rooms might benefit your relationship? Everyone better rested. It's not a big deal sleeping in different rooms. My partner and I haven't shared since having twins pretty much just so we could get more sleep but tbh I mostly prefer sleeping on my own anyway. Try to make time for each other in different ways, and enjoy the space!

When you think about it, sharing a bed if you have the option not to, is a bit weird isn't it?

Fine when a relationship begins and you are getting up to all sorts all through the night and it's a novelty, or if you can only afford to buy or rent a one bed flat, but if you are in a LTR and you have two bedrooms why not have one each?

I think it would be unusual not to sleep better in a bed on your own , rather than with someone else. My other half snores and with my DC in the only other bedroom, I often end up on the sofa bed downstairs . If we had a spare bedroom I would be in there.

Separate bedrooms are not an indicator of the health of a relationship. It is often a stronger relationship that means you can make these decisions honestly and practically.

Do make that GP appointment and ask for a referral for a sleep study. DH was a shocking snorer and turned out to have severe sleep apnea and now has a CPAP machine. He monitors his score via an App and the hospital also monitor him through it so that they can contact you if they are concerned etc.

You might not have it, but you also might.

Untreated sleep apnea can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, difficulty concentrating and chronic exhaustion amongst others. Snoring may have no cause, but it’s also not a joke if it’s apnea and requires more attention than being relegated to the spare room with a nasal drip and mouthguard.

Go to the doctor and ask to be assessed for sleep apnoea. I did ten years ago and now use a CPAP. I don’t snore any more and feel a million times better. It’s not always weight related. Often it is but often it’s not. We were in the same situation as you until I had it investigated. Ok the cpap isn’t very sexy but I put it on in the dark I’m a dab hand at it now. No more snoring and we both sleep fine.

I I never said I expect him to just deal with it… I asked AIBU to expect him to deal with it a bit better.
For example by going in another room if I’m snoring, the same way I go in another room when he is.

Can’t imagine how many snorers you’ve interacted with in your lifetime but I’m pretty certain it’s not enough to decide we’re all selfish. Maybe some of us are embarrassed, have lost our self confidence and are feeling pretty shitty about ourselves.

I'm also the snorer in my relationship, although as we've got older and heavier DH can give me a run for my money on occasion.
He's invested in Bose sleep buds but is a light sleeper and I can still be heard through them on a bad night apparently.
We try and get through the night together but where it's not possible we alternate moving to the spare room, where we've upgraded the bed & bedding so it doesn't feel like such an imposition.
The times we really struggle is when we're away on holiday and moving rooms isn't an option.
One thing I have decided to do is stop feeling awkward and embarrassed about my snoring and own it. So for example going away with a group of friends recently I just baldly stated that I'd need my own room so I wasn't depriving anyone else of sleep. (They still heard me through the door!)
I've been to an ENT specialist who confirmed I only had sleep apnea very very mildly, didn't recommend medical procedures, which he said were painful and didn't often work, or at least didn't work for long.
He recommended losing weight (my BMI is 26 so only just in the over weight category) as the only real mitigating factor, but as I've discovered maintaining a lower weight is easier said than done 🤷‍♀️

Given my post above I've considered investing in a travel cpap machine for those occasions when moving rooms isn't an option.
Can anyone tell me if that's feasible? Do you need to be taught how to use them or are they pretty straightforward? Are they harmful if your apnea has been diagnosed as mild?

You could be me. I now sleep in the lovely spare room. Sometimes we start off together then I skip off back to my own room - bliss.

@KnowledgeableMomma

Will he not just wear earplugs, and you too? That solved my issue with my husbands snoring. Seems a very simple solution and no angst.

Agree 100% about you BOTH getting a sleep study done. I was a horrific snorer, my DH had tolerated it for 21 years and by accident, for an unrelated thing, I got a sleep study last November. Turned out I stopped breathing 64 times every hour for arrest ten services at a time. My oxygen level dropped to 60% multiple times. So I have severe sleep apnea. Got a CPAP and haven't made a single peep since the first night. It's been life changing . I'm sleeping much deeper, awake earlier and I am more productive every single day.

My specialist said that moderate/heavy snorers are much much more likely to have sleep apnea, than to NOT have it. He also said it's one of the most prevalent undiagnosed conditions around and untreated it can causes strokes, heart failure etc. it's actually very serious.

There is no shame in setting up a room for one or other of you to move to at lights out time.
Sleep well, stay happier.
Many, many couples sleep in separate rooms / have twin beds.
Its often the secret to long happy marriages.

You can't just buy a cpap, you need to have your pressure set by a specialist doctor and that's based on your sleep study results, type of events, weight, and neck measurements etc.

You absolutely can just buy a CPAP machine. My cousin did, with the help of the manufacturer, and it works perfectly.

Buying a CPAP on the basis of diagnosis by internet randomers
is a waste of money.

It may be that a Francis Nasal dilator or a gumshield will do the trick
but either way, talk to your GP first

I know it’s serious. But that doesn’t mean that posters like this should be diagnosing people on the internet. There is no way they can categorically tell op that she has sleep apnea.

‘Given my post above I've considered investing in a travel cpap machine for those occasions when moving rooms isn't an option.’

NHS will set up one, give it to you, and monitor it and the data, and upgrade or replace parts. They loan it to you essentially- if you didn’t want or need it anymore they take it back.
They are pretty small anyway, one isn’t travel size but very light, easy to move around and comes it’s own little travel case where everything fits safely.

Why is the NHS loaning out CPAP machines to the worried well ?
No wonder it does not have resources where needed.

I am a chronic snorer - I do not have apnoea (48 hours of testing at the hospital)
therefore a CPAP is irrelevant.

‘Why is the NHS loaning out CPAP machines to the worried well ?
No wonder it does not have resources where needed.’

don’t be dense. Go to GP, GP refers for sleep clinic, sleep clinic assesses and IF apnoa is diagnosed, then it will give CPAP to the patient, and monitor if it helps by examining the data.
It’s no handing out resources to those who don’t need it, but it does help people with sleep apnoa as it would with any other manageable condition.

And if you don’t have apnoa then a CPAP wouldn’t help, but there may be other options available which sleep clinic can help with.

and yet @momentousmoment said they got one direct from the manufacturer.

CPAP is not right for everybody.
Not all snorers have apnoea

Getting back to the OP
cuddle together, sleep apart, stay happy

Hi OP, I'm the same as you - late 40s, a bit overweight and a tendency to snore which is worse than it used to be. I am working on losing the weight, but in the meantime I don't mind if DH pokes me in the night and I move to the spare room. It honestly doesn't bother me at all.