My snoring… spare room forever?

[SundayFundayz]

So I’m female, late 40s, married.
Over the last year or so my snoring has got worse. I’m carrying some extra weight and am working through that doing lots of exercise, and also have a stressful job. I’ve tried loads of things… making sure I lie on my side, sprays, snoring strips and I’m lying here at 2am and I’ve just ordered some awful mouth guard thing.

My real problem is my DH. He deals with it by shaking me until I get up and move into the spare room. But he also snores… not as badly as me I don’t think and normally in the morning. If he snores I just get up and go in the spare room, but he never will… he’ll just shake / nudge me then will complain the next day about how tired he is because it’s so hard to sleep next to me.

It makes me feel like crap… I feel guilty for keeping him awake, I feel really unattractive, quite embarrassed by it and because of this don’t like to talk about it. I know this sounds OTT but it’s really getting me down. I’m also a bit pissed off that he gets our lovely room with the expensive mattress and I get the slightly drafty spare room. Our marriage isn’t really in the best place at the moment anyway and I’m worried this is going to be the thing that tips us over the edge.

shall I just admit that our days of sharing a bed are over and make myself comfortable with a new mattress in the spare room? Or am I being unreasonable to expect him to deal with it a bit better and stop making me feel guilty?!

Lots of people sleep apart. There is nothing wrong with it.
Everyone needs a good nights sleep to Function properly. X

Sorry to clarify, you can buy a cpap but it won't be calibrated as you need the sleep study to do this correctly.

Let me are you that even when it's done under medical supervision it can still be very difficult to get established and sort out correct levels. It can be incredibly painful if the pressure OSS too high and it was carer even worse apneas if it's too low. It needs to be monitored. And 4 months after starting my vocal cords have permanently changed the pitch of my voice . I sound like an octogenarian short of 60 a day despite being just 44. And that's over medical supervision. You can but a chainsaw from b and q too but it's really not recommended unless you know what you are going and actually have training or supervision to get started. You can DO plenty of dangerous things but it's not really suggested it's it?

Another poster saying you need to request a proper sleep study to rule out sleep apnea.

My snoring was bad, but partner never complained!!! I was diagnosed with mild apnea and my appointment reveals approximately 1 event per hour. But the cpap has ensured I go into much deeper sleep and therefore wake feel more refreshed. Also I never used to dream at night, whereas I do more often now!!!

Sleep study sounds serious but the reality for me was the sleep clinic at the local NHS hospital had equipment sent out, you wear some monitoring stuff for one night and that’s enough usually to get the data needed to diagnose something like apnoa.
2 weeks later I went for an in person appt where I was given a CPAP. The machine has a chip that sends the data back to the clinic so they can make sure the settings etc are fine for you.
Done. Within a couple of weeks I was feeling as rested as I ever have.

You know it's not a deliberate act? Do you find all involuntary actions to be selfish? Sneezing, crying, laughing?

I snore because even though I'm slim and fit, I have crap sinuses. DP is also slim and fit, and also snores, though not as much as me. Separate bedrooms is the way forward, can't recommend it highly enough.

My DP snores. He went to gp and had loads of tests. Turns out he has polyps and allergies. Prescribed various for allergies which he doesn't take any more (doesn't like taking meds). So there are other things that can cause and help snoring. Go to GP..

I don't understand why people feel embarrassed about snoring. I notice it in people. I sometimes snore and wake myself up I am such a light sleeper.

My advice is:

• speak to your DH and explain you are trying various things
• go to GP and see what can be done
• move into spare room or negotiate a 50/50 split with DH

Snoring is not something you should feel guilty about but you should try to sort it so that you get a better night sleep.

Thanks for the suggestion for earplugs to the poster up thread. I have tinnitus so don't get on well with earplugs but will try these.

If it helps, my husband and I are the happiest couple I know and we've slept apart since COVID; I was ECV and he's self-employed so was in London, on trains, every day. We never looked back as we were so much happier, and were more intimate, than ever.

Should haves are the death of a happy relationship; do what's right for you and you'll be OK.

Buy a cheap anti snoring device. They have eradicated my snoring so no one is disturbed and our relationship thrives

https://amzn.eu/d/2tMDTqr

Or this one

PHCOMRICH Anti Snoring Device... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B081TWJGQQ?ref=ppxpoppmobappshare

A "cheap anti snoring device" will only work if it matches the cause of the snoring.

Many of us will snore for the whole of our lives no matter what we do
(even surgery did not help in my case)

Proper assessment by a sleep expert is key.

The GP will not refer you to a sleep clinic just for snoring. You have to complete an 'Epworth sleepiness scale' to see if you qualify for referral. You will only be referred if you are extremely tired during the day as a result of disordered/disturbed sleep. Snoring is an indicator of sleep apnoea, but daytime sleepiness is just as important.
I have always snored but realised it was more than that when I almost fell asleep at the wheel in Florida. I'm very surprised the 'sleep expert' above hasn't mentioned this.

I did not have to do any of that.
I just tipped my head back and the doctor could see my shattered septum.

There are LOTS of reasons why people snore.

I've started snoring more recently, no idea why, so here for the suggestions...

I snore, he's snores. In 2017 I made the spare room my haven. Bliss. Also I can get up for the bathroom without disturbing him and vice versa. Just join him in the mornings with a cup of tea and a cuddle.

I don't remember the GP assessing my DP on the Epworth sleepiness scale. I observed a breath holding thing he does (not always associated with snoring) and I think GP must have thought possible apnea.

You could try antihistamines to see if that makes a difference. And maybe Beconase nasal spray. That might address any allergy factors.

My husband snores really loudly and I used to do the same, shake/nudge him to turn over to try to stop it but it never did any good. We would both have restless night sleep. We now have separate rooms to sleep in and it has saved our marriage! I'm not ashamed to say we sleep separately. I'm a very light sleeper and he is a deep sleeper. It was never going to work. I now have a single bed in the bedroom and have loads of space for "my things" he has a man cave with a comfortable bed and all "his things". It may sound off to some but we each have our own sleeping space and private space when we want to be alone. We still make plenty of time for each other. More actually and our sex life is better too.

I don't have sleep apnea but had a horrific snoring problem which worsened with weight gain. I was permanently shattered as you don't fall into the proper category of sleep which you need. After a nearly ruined marriage and sleeping on a camp bed in the lounge I sought a private consultation and have an imperfect storm of physical reasons why I snore-the base of my tongue is too large and another part too far back. 4 things have worked after trying everything. 1. A £300 mouthguard from the dentist. Only a small percentage of people can actually cope with sleeping with it. I struggled but was desperate and found the will to do it somehow but it isn't easy. It's a big moulded thing with a small gap to breathe through. 2. I lost weight. Made a huge difference. Found every excuse prior to losing weight that it my snoring was not weight related. Lost weight through stress. Virtually stopped snoring. Put some weight back on. Snoring got worse. 3. Spare bed-OP just make it your own. It honestly takes away those feelings of shame and the stress of being nudged awake. 4. Anti snoring pillow. Cheap one works for me from Slumberland. Good luck OP

I was talking to dr about my extreme exhaustion. My folic acid came back as deficient but he said he didn’t believe this was causing my issues. He asked me loads of questions (says epworth risk on my dr records) and I have been referred to sleep clinic.
I didn’t realise how much I snore but DH had said it sounds like I struggle to breathe at times.
it’s really worth a talk with the Dr

Well breath holding is not snoring so that's probably why your DP didn't have to do a sleepiness scale questionnaire. I'm talking about snoring being the only symptom

My DH snores, but only when his weight goes above a certain number. When his neck/chin loses weight the snoring stops. He keeps a tight eye on it and if the weight creeps up and the snoring begins he cuts back