I think I have a drink problem

[Approachingrockbottom]

I feel like I need some hard home truths - I think I have a drink problem and I might need some help.

Both my (divorced) parents are heavy drinkers - I grew up with the culture of a daily drink. Easy day - evening drink. Stressful day - evening drink.

I have most definitely carried this culture forward and I drink too much, too often. I wouldn’t say I crave drink but equally I am unable to give it up. It is more common for me to have a drink of an evening than not.

Today should have been one of the happiest days, ever. I’ve taken my two children away for an amazing holiday but according to DP I was “a disgrace” getting off the plane.

I am conflicted in how true this is, as I negotiated our baggage, our (not pre booked) transfer, our check in. I took the children up to bed alone when they needed it and none of the other adults in our group felt the need to step in. Not a mark of success of course, but I think makes disgrace a strong and inaccurate word.

Being honest though, i can’t help but feel there is some truth in that hurtful statement. I don’t know where to go from here.

Please, tell me I’m being daft or give me some home truths.

The fact you are wondering if you have a problem, likely means you have a problem.

I was in denial also. I drank 3-4 bottles of wine per week (usually a bottle at a time) and thought this was the norm as my friends did it too.

I noticed my anxiety was tenfold, I was putting on weight, family members were concerned and voicing it when they seen the empty bottles in my kitchen on a random Wednesday night.

I decided to stop because it was no longer providing me with any joy. Especially drinking alone.

Ive now stopped the lone drinking (I have non alcoholic wine stocked up) and only drink and events or special occasions with people I know aren't big drinkers, so I know I wont get carried away. The last two events I drank at, I only had 2 drinks! Usually I would have had at least double that amount.

I feel much better, mental health is clearer and I know I wont be the cause of embarrassment for my nearest and dearest anymore.

Who were the adults in your group and why were you needing to do these things alone? I’m not saying it’s alright, but i go through the odd stage when I drink a lot and it’s always because I’m miserable because people are dumping stuff on me. Where was your partner to help with the children? Is this your little rebellion to knowing he leaves stuff to you?

If your partner thought you were “a disgrace” why didn’t he step up and put the children to bed?

Daily drinking is not good, of course.

Sometimes it’s a symptom that something in life is not in balance.

What’s your relationship with your DH usually like? Do you have a life outside parenting/work/DH?

@Approachingrockbottom pmend u. Hope that was ok.xxx

OP, why did your DP say you were a disgrace? It sounds like you were quite able to function and look after your children. Also how much do you drink on average per week?

If you think it's too much, then you probably do need to get some help, you've managed the first step, which is acknowledging that you may have a problem.

Can I ask his many drinks you had at the airport and on the plane? If it was one or two he's BU. However I do agree if you were that much of a disgrace why didn't he step up with the kids?

I don’t feel remotely in balance.

I have a good (for my area), but stressful job and live in a constant state of anxiety- I am a single parent, I need to provide a life for my children, I want to be the best that I can for them but honestly feel like I am failing.

DP is not their father, he cares for them, but doesn’t parent them so I guess that explains why he didn’t “step up” and put them to bed this evening if I was such a stumbling disgrace.

That statement has hurt me so badly that I honestly don’t know if I can recover from it - I feel like I’ve been called a bad mother. And it may be true. My children are everything to me and it’s like I’ve been hit up the face with reality, and I may actually be a shit parent.

The other adults in the group are my family members. I can only imagine they hold the same opinion but am conscious this could be my anxiety taking, and that they would / should step in if they felt I was incapable of parenting.

I’m so confused.

I definitely had too many drinks between airport and plane. That’s not in question. 1.5 bottles of Prosecco at a guess as it was shared.

Writing that down is hard and I feel ashamed.

It’s bit hard to know without the context of what occurred on the plane. What specific behaviour did he find disgraceful on the plane? Did stewards or other passengers get involved?

Why did he think you were a disgrace?
How much had you drunk on the plane/over the course of the day?
Did you feel your judgement was impaired and that you may have appeared drunk?

Adrian Chiles has a great book on the subject. Mindful moderation.

Drinking is a subjective thing, IMO. Apprently the late Queen was a ten units a day lady, her sister rather more so.

I like to have a beer to unwind and celebrate and commiserate. Lots of people do, lots of people do not. There is a lot of blame in the world today and most of it is unhelpful.

Do you like where you are? Do you have tools to cope with change?

Labels, in my opinion, are unhelpful. I am not a take it or leave it drinker, but I do not ever really drink enough to get drunk. I like a few drinks and no more so never lunge into harmful behaviour. Would my liver agree? Not sure. Hope so. Thats life, I will not know until it grumbles.

I do not want to live to 100 but I do not want to be ill between 55-75, then die in pain.

Personally, at the moment I'm (usually) smashing mon/tues no beer, then slightly less than I could over the rest of the week. Lots of people who can absolutely go weeks without any booze would send me to AA just for that, but I'm happier at home, living my life and not judging anyone else. My mum has always been teetotal and had a heart attack at 59. The J curve for morality cannot be denied and I'll take my chances. We are only here once.

If yuor drinking makes you ashamed, then thats what you need to address. You need to act in a way that you are comfortable with, and give yourself a decent amount of time to adapt and change.

Lots of love.

Cheers.

What lovely, sensitive posts.

Hi OP

Posting, and getting it off your chest to people you will most likely never meet is good.

However, acting on your "regrets" and ensuring they never happen again is the hard part. You have started, so for the sake of your children, you OH, your siblings/parents etc and yourself, do the right thing.

See help via GP, and or go online and take positive action

Good luck

I do feel I may have appeared drunk. I felt tipsy but positively so - holiday spirit etc but probably inappropriate with the children present.

Part of me does think DP was lashing out - I took the children to bed alone, and when he returned I told him I was frustrated that he, and others, have tagged on to our holiday for all the good bits of the kids first experiences but left me to do the hard work alone.

For what’s it’s worth, they stayed in the bar.

I don’t think that makes any difference really, the bottom line is I feel like I should have done better. I think I have a problem.

Someone upthread (so sorry, can’t remember who to tag) asked how much I drink in a week - I really can’t quantify but I more often have a drink of an evening than not. That could be a glass of wine, Prosecco, a cocktail, a G&T, a beer, or several of any of the above.

I truly don’t feel I can seek help via a GP. That could cost me my children. I’m not trying to be obstructive, but that pathway to help, where it is “on record” is not an option.

Take what your DP has said as the wake up call you needed. Get some help before it’s too late.

Fair comments. So, seek another avenue of help.

Good luck

Sorry one last clarification - no, no stewards or anyone else had to get involved.

I just appeared a little drunk - I’m clumsy at the best of times and I’ll be the first to admit that I lose even more coordination when I’ve had a drink.

I’m so grateful for the kind and considered responses tonight, thank you all. So atypical of AIBU but so badly needed as I am beyond low.

Hi,

If you think you might have a problem, chances are, you might have a problem.

I had/have a problem (it'd definitely be a problem if I had another drink). I put off getting help for YEARS because I was so ashamed of being a bad parent to my kids (also a single parent), I thought I'd never be able to voice how terrible I felt - the only thing with that was the more terrible I felt, the more I drank, and then felt more terrible and so I drank more. It was a vicious cycle. I was full of "reasonings", you know I couldn't be an alcoholic because I didn't drink in the morning, I'd never taken my kids to the pub, I didn't drink xyz... etc etc etc ad fininitum.

I'm not in any way saying you have done any of these things, or that you are an alcoholic. I say them because the best advice I was given is that you can get of the lift at any floor - IE: a rock bottom doesn't have to be drinking tennants special brew on a park bench.

If you think you have a problem I'd strongly suggest contacting AA (link below). Maybe go to a meeting, maybe go to a few. See if it helps (and it can't hurt).

I thought I'd die of shame walking into my first meeting. But no one judged me, no one side eyed me. They just gave me some leaflets, suggested I listened and hugged me and told me they hoped I'd come back. I did and I've been around a while now. The shame and the guilt lasted a while but the more I listened to other women share their stories, and the more I shared mine the easier I slept.

Wishing you well.

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/#

You don’t need to see a GP, the drug and alcohol support services are managed by the local authority, not the nhs.

you can contact them directly if you want to, just google drug and alcohol services in your area

I think you know you have a problem. Honestly getting drunk while in charge of young children is irresponsible so for the sake of your children see someone asap.

If alcohol is costing you more than money (eg. happiness, health, relationships etc.) then you might have a problem with addictive drinking.

If you do decide you have a problem with alcohol please think about using the AA helpline in @Sam0207's post above.

When I attended my first meeting and heard others telling their stories a HUGE weight of shame was lifted.

You are not alone.
x

If you just have a few drinks a night to relax, there is no harm in it, I am the same. If it interferes with your day to day stuff, then maybe its not so good

It would be a great thing to break the generational cycle. End the alcohol problem now before you pass it on to your kids if you see what I mean. Alcohol is causing problems in your family if they're overhearing drunken arguments, and you know what it's like being around a drunk person when you're sober. For kids it must be horrible. If you feel you can't quit by yourself you could go to an AA meeting. They won't inform your GP or anything, no record is kept of you being there, they really are anonymous.