I think I have a drink problem

[Approachingrockbottom]

I feel like I need some hard home truths - I think I have a drink problem and I might need some help.

Both my (divorced) parents are heavy drinkers - I grew up with the culture of a daily drink. Easy day - evening drink. Stressful day - evening drink.

I have most definitely carried this culture forward and I drink too much, too often. I wouldn’t say I crave drink but equally I am unable to give it up. It is more common for me to have a drink of an evening than not.

Today should have been one of the happiest days, ever. I’ve taken my two children away for an amazing holiday but according to DP I was “a disgrace” getting off the plane.

I am conflicted in how true this is, as I negotiated our baggage, our (not pre booked) transfer, our check in. I took the children up to bed alone when they needed it and none of the other adults in our group felt the need to step in. Not a mark of success of course, but I think makes disgrace a strong and inaccurate word.

Being honest though, i can’t help but feel there is some truth in that hurtful statement. I don’t know where to go from here.

Please, tell me I’m being daft or give me some home truths.

Try not to beat yourself up - I’ve been in the same place for years now, but especially since lockdown. I have two teens with SEN needs, no close family to support (or understand) and lovely husband who is also ASD and works around the clock/travels, so I’ve found myself reaching for a glass of wine, and the second and… no-one ever comments as my holding a wineglass of an evening is considered normal. In fact, I would say my DH is a bit of an enabler with a similarly relaxed attitude to alcohol. At one stage I was getting through 5-6 bottles of wine and a bottle of rum a week. 60-80 units. But I was never tipsy/falling over drunk. But I was gaining weight, struggling through the menopause, and generally feeling shit about myself.

It was when my teen had yet another suicide attempt/OD and I had to drive her to A&E after two large glasses of wine that I realised I couldn’t go on like this. I needed to be sober enough to be legal most nights.

I’m a follower of mindful moderation as giving up entirely has been too hard (yet), but I do only drink a couple of bottles a week now (yep, still over the 14 weekly units recommended for women, but its 25% of what I used to), and have found I sleep better, have lost a lot of weight and handle the stress a little better.

There are usually local, free, services for alcohol counselling that your GP never has to know about (google ‘alcohol counselling near me’) and it should come up with a few that you can self refer to. One day I may be brave enough to approach the AA again, but frankly I am too nervous of bumping into someone at my local one, of being more alcoholic than anyone else there, and the one I travelled to in the next town was full of homeless, ex soldiers with PTSD so I felt frivolous and out of place.

And the start of the holiday? We’ve all done that at least once, drink problem or no. I’d park that, ignore DP, but really think about the other stuff as you may be able to nip it in the bud now, so to speak.

good luck and hugs from one stressed, ‘crap’ mum to another.

I and many others have never started a holiday drunk Busymummy. Don't try and normalise that.

@Redmat I only did it once (my hen weekend) and I see many people getting on planes drunk every time I travel, from economy to first class - I was not ‘normalising’ it, was saying that it can happen. OP only did it the once - I was being kind and drying not to beat OP up, she’s doing enough of that to herself.

Seeing your parent drunk as a young child, older child, pre-teen, teen and indeed even adult is really quite traumatising. And they know, even when quite young, that something's amiss and the parent can't be trusted. And it never goes away. I completely agree @NerrSnerr.

Dont forget the impact of being at altitude too. I was once told it’s the equivalent of having twice as many drinks. I only ever got drunk once on a plane and I hadn’t had that much to drink but boy did I notice the difference! So even if you have developed a higher tolerance for booze, I bet you were drunker than normal.

I have a very complicated relationship with alcohol so I would encourage you to see this as the wake up call you need.

I drink 40 units a week, I have cut down a load. I use the ‘Drinkaware’ app to help me track what I drink and drink less.

sounds like your dp is a bit of a dick saying you were a disgrace.

have a couple nights off a week and increase that gradually.

Sorry I’m only getting a chance to briefly update now - today has been entirely child centric, up & out first thing and away all day. It’s been a brilliant day. Didn’t feel great this morning and have lots to unpack here so I will be back when I have time to read everything properly and put some thought into my next steps.

Thank you for all the replies, I truly appreciate it.

Being on holiday is probably not the best time to be considering this to be honest OP; you're probably drinking more than at home, there's a celebratory atmosphere etc and it sounds like you've got lots of other people around too.

You say your partner isn't your kids parent, which is why he didn't step up and help, this is fair enough in terms of putting the kids to be, but wrangling the bags, sorting out transport and checking into the hotel are all things he could have stepped up and helped with or taken over if he didn't think you were fit to. I think we've all had an experience with someone where they've gotten a bit too drunk, and you've been able to say something like 'God you were a disgrace last night', it doesn't mean they're a bad parent or have a drinking problem, it just means they've let loose! I'd also add here that altitude decreases your tolerance to alcohol, and they say one drink in the air is worth 3 on the ground, so that will have exasperated the effects.

If you're genuinely worried about your drinking, I'd say have a proper think about it once you're back from your holiday. Start with swapping our your evening drink for something non-alcoholic on weekdays, and see how you feel. Then challenge yourself to go a whole week without drinking (I'd recommend not choosing one where you've got a big event booked in). Then see how you feel, and see if you've missed it, if you've been craving it, if you feel like you need one as soon as the week is up etc.
This will inform you of whether you'd got an actual problem, or you've just fallen into a bit of a habit. Then you can take steps from there to either get proper help (whether that's the GP, AA, counselling, etc) or whether you just need to cut down a bit for the sake of your health.

Hi, it’s ok don’t beat yourself up. I’m glad you posted that “you might need help”. That’s very courageous of you. Self reflection is a difficult task.

Go to an AA meeting like someone suggested. Might take more than one meeting to find a group that will make you feel at home.
You deserve to take care of you. Please try it.
Going to AA was the best thing that I did for myself.
These people will give you tools on how to live your life without needing a drink. How to set boundaries, how to respond and not react. How to pause and how to exercise self love.

You are in chronic stress and I would suggest you look into meditation. I recently joined Insight Timer app. They offer one week for free to try it. Please try it. It made a huge difference in my life already.

In order to be the best mom you can be you need to be good and gentle to yourself. No one needs to be a slave to a drink or anything else that doesn’t serve them. You take care of you. I know you can and I know you’re a strong, wise woman. Otherwise you wouldn’t post for advice. You choose the way you show up to the world and you have the power to change anything that stands in a way of you being your greatest self. Best of luck to you!