I think I have a drink problem

[Approachingrockbottom]

I feel like I need some hard home truths - I think I have a drink problem and I might need some help.

Both my (divorced) parents are heavy drinkers - I grew up with the culture of a daily drink. Easy day - evening drink. Stressful day - evening drink.

I have most definitely carried this culture forward and I drink too much, too often. I wouldn’t say I crave drink but equally I am unable to give it up. It is more common for me to have a drink of an evening than not.

Today should have been one of the happiest days, ever. I’ve taken my two children away for an amazing holiday but according to DP I was “a disgrace” getting off the plane.

I am conflicted in how true this is, as I negotiated our baggage, our (not pre booked) transfer, our check in. I took the children up to bed alone when they needed it and none of the other adults in our group felt the need to step in. Not a mark of success of course, but I think makes disgrace a strong and inaccurate word.

Being honest though, i can’t help but feel there is some truth in that hurtful statement. I don’t know where to go from here.

Please, tell me I’m being daft or give me some home truths.

OP you are really not the only one. As a PP said your DP needs to be supportive though with the changes you want to make and not just rant at you.

I've got used to a couple of drinks in the evening at present, which will stop today, actually! But it does affect your thinking so much, there was something yesterday which made me feel angry and I thought "don't say anything, don't say anything, sit tight". It would have made me feel angry anyway but I need to address it properly and not after a drink.

If he's complaining about you drinking and then stays in the bar presumably drinking while you put the children to bed, I think he's a big hypocrit. He can drink, but you should be careful cos you're a sloppy drunk.

You may drink too much (or did drink too much on this occasion) but he's an arse. You can fix drinking too much, his problems are not so easy to fix.

Op,

Only you can decide if you are going to address your anxiety with a different coping strategy that isn’t quite as harmful - you have a lot on your plate, so it’s understandable that you are stressed and anxious. Look at the underlying cause? Is it the responsibility of the children? Managing alone?

However, your dp shaming you in the way that he did was really unforgivable. If you are struggling so much - as your partner - he could have spoken to you in a gentle way and offered support. He could have said he felt worried for you. He could have easily helped, taken over the dc - he choose to sit back and criticise and shame you with a hint of contempt.

He is not on your team op.
Loving partners don’t shame, and judge and make you feel even worse.

I would go to a private dr anonymously and ask for some supportive medication or help to control your drinking if you want to. For your dc, so they have a good role model. But not for him.

I don’t think I could recover from that level of criticism, so unkindly delivered.

Honestly, I’d be falling down after a bottle and a half of Prosecco.
I would be in no for state to look after children. If you honestly believe that you were fully competent, capable and sober, it must be that you have built up an incredible tolerance to alcohol.

Why don’t you start off with a small goal? No drinking on a Monday and Tuesday night to start. Then Wednesday. Make it something to have to look forward to at the end of the week.

First of all, OP, you are so brave to post this here. I have seen people so dependent that they have to wake up in the night to drink neat vodka because of withdrawal arguing that they are not problem drinkers. And it is the most dangerous withdrawal of any drug.

I want to address this though -

I am not a take it or leave it drinker, but I do not ever really drink enough to get drunk.

The medical community consensus is pretty much that there is no safe level of alcohol - it is basically poison. So you have two options - cold turkey and no more at all, or harm reduction. FWIW I think harm reduction is much more likely to be successful for most people. Not drinking every day, not drinking more than 2, not going over 14 units a week, all those rules can help you think about how to drink.

Please dont feel ashamed of yourself - we are all socialized to drink (most people anyway) and the fact you can look at yourself and ask these questions says a lot about your character. 🌺

I think you should zoom out. Doesn't matter about this one incident if you know you are drinking too much then you have to address it. Some people can drink and be fine, others can't handle it and some people can handle it at some points in their lives better than others. If it's not making you happy anymore then see if you can stop for 1 month and see how you feel with no alcohol.

Not much to say in terms of practical support after the good advice that others have given but just wanted to say that you are not alone. I’m currently dealing with what was becoming a drink problem (up to two bottles of wine 4-5 times a week) and had several wake up calls to tell me to change. It’s really not easy but it’s doable. Good luck!

Hi Op. Also popping on to offer some support. If you think you have a drinking problem, then chances are you do have one. Something in the back of your mind is telling you that your body is not happy. Listen to it.

I'm 330 days sober(ish) today after drinking a bottle of wine per night, nearly 2 on Fridays and Saturdays. I say ish because I'm not opposed to having one or two glasses at a social event but they're few and far between now.

My advice would be aim for 2 weeks sober as a starting point. It's hard, but I found that really helped me to reset and identify my "triggers" and the bad habits I had developed. I also kept a diary so I could read back how good I felt waking up hangover free, if I was ever struggling for motivation.

I agree with this. Two very distinct problems and should be dealt with separately.

If your partner is an arse, he will still be an arse when you stop drinking. Even if he doesn't want/feel it appropriate to help putting the DC to bed why was he not negotiating baggage, transfer or check in? What was he doing whilst you were managing all the logistics alongside the DC?

If you are worried about your drinking then seek help for that specifically but also take a cold hard look at your DP and consider just how good a partner he is. Don't blend the issues into one.

Alcohol addiction can be genetic to a degree too so don’t beat yourself up. You acknowledge that you may have a problem and now you can take some steps to do something about it.

I like drinking but was similar to you. It became an everyday event.

I acknowledged it and now I have 3/4 drink free days and have cut my units down from about 50 a week to 20 ish. Still more than the recommended but to me it’s a good start.

I started by doing one on/one off and took it from there. Most weeks I now don’t drink Sunday-Thursday. I used to log it when I first started but now don’t need to.

I would say it’s more likely than not you are minimising your behaviour. Maybe disgrace is too strong but taking children to bed whilst pissed is not a great role model.

Alcohol makes you lie to yourself and kid yourself on it’s not that bad. But as time goes on the things you do get worse. You can be functioning until one day you’re not.

i have been sober 2.5 years now. From drinking a lot, every night for years. I haven’t been near AA. That is not my thing. I read quit lit, listened to podcasts, tapped into online connection. There’s an alcohol support board on here.

good luck x

And you are not a shit parent. You are a parent who has become addicted to an addictive substance. But you will be a better and more present one if you don’t drink.

id suggest reading the sober diaries by Clare Pooley and taking it from there.

You wouldn’t lose your children. Look at all the kids looked after by alcoholics and junkies in the country! If they don’t have alternative care provision for them they won’t be removing the kids of someone otherwise functioning with a drink problem.

'I haven’t been near AA. That is not my thing. I read quit lit, listened to podcasts, tapped into online connection. There’s an alcohol support board on here.'

I'd recommend these too. There are some lovely, supportive long running threads. I think they really help with adjusting mindset at your own pace.

I gave up alcohol in November, but had been trying to cut down for a while before that. I honestly think that cutting down doesn’t work as you always go back to it.

When I first gave up I used to drive to the gym in the evening which meant I knew I couldn’t drink and avoided the evening on the sofa. I did that for a month or 2 until it became a habit.

My life is so much better without wine. I drank every night for almost 15 years (with the exception of 2 pregnancies) and would never have believed that I could give it up, but one day I realised that I’d just had enough. I don’t miss it at all and my DH joined me a couple of weeks after I started and neither does he.

You can do this, take it one day at a time and if you do slip up, it doesn’t matter, you haven’t failed, just carry on the next day.

It absolutely will not cost you your children. Just go and say you’ve decided you no longer want alcohol in your life, as it’s been slowly creeping up. Your GP will not judge. You are to be commended for taking a positive step.

I know this because I have done the same. I do still drink on occasion, but not a lot, whereas at one point I was heading toward a bottle of wine a night. I am considering going completely teetotal, as I can no longer see what it brings to my life, whereas sobriety brings heaps of positives.

Try The Naked Mind.

If you're being truthful on the thread then if you go to the GP you won't risk losing your children at all.

I grew up in a house of drinkers and used to enjoy a social drink but gave up a few years back as I didn't want it to escalate. My main incentive was I hated feeling tipsy in front of the kids as I hated seeing my mum being drunk.

Unless you and the children travelled to the hotel alone you didn't negotiate the whole transfer by yourself. There were other people with you.
You drank 1.5 bottles between airport and plane. Did you drink on the planes as well? You have two small children you are responsible for on a journey . Getting even tipsy is such a bad idea.
I only write this because you said you wanted home truths.
I wish you all the very best for getting help.
It is a brave person who takes the first steps.

I honestly don’t believe you negotiated the luggage retrieval, transfers etc with two children and absolutely no other assistance OP, did you? Or were you so drunk you think you did?
Either way you’re drinking far too much and now your family are aware of that too.
I wish you all the best in seeking help and hope that it goes well.

Your local authority may run something called Drink Coach that could also help. No one will take your children from you for seeking help.

If you're a habitual, relatively heavy drinker, 1.5 bottles of Prosecco will likely only have you tipsy. But drinking that heavily, that frequently that you can tolerate it is in itself obviously not at all healthy physically.

A bottle and a half of prosecco is 13.5 units of alcohol. The guideline for women is a maximum of 14 units over the course of a week. 5-7 units is considered binge drinking.

Yes, you have a problem.

A few drinks a night is not ok. It's way beyond the level considered healthy. If you think it's ok you probably should speak with someone

No she said she drank about 1.5 bottles but it's hard to be exact as they were sharing. So they got through several bottles and she thinks she drank about 1.5 of a bottle.