I think I have a drink problem

[Approachingrockbottom]

I feel like I need some hard home truths - I think I have a drink problem and I might need some help.

Both my (divorced) parents are heavy drinkers - I grew up with the culture of a daily drink. Easy day - evening drink. Stressful day - evening drink.

I have most definitely carried this culture forward and I drink too much, too often. I wouldn’t say I crave drink but equally I am unable to give it up. It is more common for me to have a drink of an evening than not.

Today should have been one of the happiest days, ever. I’ve taken my two children away for an amazing holiday but according to DP I was “a disgrace” getting off the plane.

I am conflicted in how true this is, as I negotiated our baggage, our (not pre booked) transfer, our check in. I took the children up to bed alone when they needed it and none of the other adults in our group felt the need to step in. Not a mark of success of course, but I think makes disgrace a strong and inaccurate word.

Being honest though, i can’t help but feel there is some truth in that hurtful statement. I don’t know where to go from here.

Please, tell me I’m being daft or give me some home truths.

From what you've said, you didn't sound that bad on the plane! I think your DP was OTT.

How much do you drink though as I'm a bit confused? Is it generally just one drink a night or is it regularly several?

Definitely seek help, you won’t have your children taken off you. It isn’t normal or ok to drink every day, and you shouldn’t drink more than two drinks around your children - what if they needed taking to hospital?

Maybe try and go dry for next three days of holiday, then just one drink per day after. Don’t be too hard on yourself; well done for recognising you have a problem.

Your DP was lashing out because you complained.

Sounds like you have two separate issues here.

1. You’re not happy with the amount you’re drinking, which is why your DP’s unnecessary comment hit home.
2. Your DP doesn’t sound very nice.

You might find the two issues are connected.

Alcohol contributes to many cancers.
You think you have a problem so seek help.
Summon the courage to attend AA. Alcoholics ANONYMOUS.

Your partner and friends are holding their breath.
You would not tolerate an intoxicated childminder caring for your children. Take control before you lose your license, job, kids, and relationships.

What is acceptable?
I think one drink per day for about three days per week.
You might have a different limit. Purchase a breathalizer and find out how drunk you are from hour to hour.
Educate yourself; don't stay ignorant.
I would want to be well under the limit for driving at all times in case I had to take the kids somewhere.

Can you swap alcohol for fizzy water?
Can you try acupuncture?

I’m still not getting a full picture of what exactly you were doing to make your DP call you a disgrace - you might have mentioned stumbling about? Anything else? How were you acting? What exactly made him call you out?

1 and a half bottles of prosecco does sound a lot to me (though I don’t drink much at all) and I think there’s a difference between getting tipsy while you’re going on jollys with friends and getting drunk while on holiday with your kids.

It does sound to me like you may have a problem, especially if you feel you’re unable to cut down without help. It’s great you recognise this though.

I assume you may have already seen this page but there are a lot of useful links about how to get support, including helplines.

I can't see how you could have been a disgrace when disembarking the plane, getting to the hotel and putting kids to bed? Surely if you were tiddly when you got on the plane it would have worn off a few hours later?
He was mean to say that but it seems like you feel out of control. Do you know any sober friends? Could you try attending AA? It is good to distract you from drinking even if you don't want to speak/ share. You don't need to tell people straight away, I've quit, I'm doing AA etc. if that's too much pressure. You can just quietly go to a meeting and see how it makes you feel.

I gave up drinking about 3 years ago and honestly it transformed my life for the better. Sounds like I was similar to you, I drank maybe one or two drinks a few nights a week, more at the weekend, maybe 3/4 bottle of wine.

I didn't plan to give up forever but took a break and honestly the benefits I've gained have changed my life. Mainly hugely reducing my anxiety, improving my sleep so I'm calmer and happier with my kids.

There's some amazing resources now, have a look on Instagram at One Year no Beer, Andy Ramage, the Dryy App, theres lots. Also have a read of some of the books Quit like a woman, The Sober Diaries, The unexpected joy of being sober. These books really helped me refrain my thinking to see I wasn't giving up I was gaining so many benefits in my life.

I thought I needed alcohol to relax, to help me deal with stress from work and parenting but in reality it was making the stress worse.

Try and put yesterday's experience behind you. Relax and enjoy your holiday.

I found reading Annie Grace's book This Naked Mind extremely helpful in changing my drinking habit (yes, it is an awful habit). I'm now 14 months sober from drinking 1.5 or 2 bottles of wine (plus beer, G&T) nearly every night.

Read the book (I had it as an audio book which made me feel it was a friend chatting to me) and then take her advice, try a dry 30 days to start to reevaluate your drinking.

You will start to notice how much society normalises drinking once you stop!

At the end of the 30 days you may choose to drink occasionally and only in moderation or you may choose to give up, either is right for you but you've switched who is in charge and that's the main thing.

I found my sleep improved, I lost weight, my skin has a healthier appearance plus I don't get headaches nearly as much as I used to. I prefer the sober me, I'm not worried if friends choose to drink around me while I'm out, and I feel at ease in my own skin.

I wish you all the best in your journey. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Yes, Annie Grace is the reason I’ll be four years sober this year.

I think you have a problem. I love Prosecco but 1.5 bottles is a lot in an airport and plane. I think you know that you need to seek support.

im more interested though in your relationship with DP. Did he say it out of concern or being nasty?
if he’s nasty is he often like that eg is he the cause of the anxiety/drinking?

OP please find out the local alcohol service in your area and self-refer. There is a lot of help out there. They can work with you and identify triggers and a treatment goal. I work in MH and there are lots of people with substance misuse issues who do not have their kids taken off them. From what you have written, I can’t see why SS would remove your kids at all. Even less so if you are working with services before it actually becomes a problem.

Yes I think you have an issue and it’s great you have posted here. You need to address it before it gets worse so well done.

Could you do this holiday without any drinking? Your reaction will tell you how big of an issue this is.

It is crap that nobody helped you with the kids. Maybe you need to be direct and ask for specific help. Especially if they ‘tagged’ along.

But ensure their kids have someone sober with them at all times. It would not be fair of them to have a holiday surrounded by drunk adults.

This is spot on.

You're conflicted as to what the issue is, this isn't meant as criticism but you use terms like 'might have an issue', 'I wouldn't say I crave drink...but...' and you've 'carried a culture forward'.

If you want to serioulsy assess your drinking take your DP out of the picture and be honest with yourself about how much your drinking, why you drink, and I would also recommend looking into alcohol use disorder (which btw, is a normal disorder that many people suffer from), and seeing if any of that resonates.

You don't have to speak to your GP for help and generally they will just signpost you to local services. I would google your council and see what services they provide; usually that's support groups, smart recovery etc.

Also, on a positive note I promise the above isn't scary or insurmountable. It sounds to me like you need to do some introspection and maybe work through some things. Seek support wherever you can find it, and good luck x

I wondered if I have a drink problem. Quit for a year now I have the odd glass of wine but don’t feel like I need it. Highly recommend an alcohol free reset and then reassess in a year. Really helped my skin/ face I used to get red / blotchy and bloated. Now my skin is lovely again and I look much slimmer.

There’s an alcohol support section on here. You might find it helpful to engage with others experiencing similar problems with alcohol.

Good luck

Kindly, 1.5 bottles of Prosecco is not "a little drunk". It's far, far too much.
I've stopped drinking recently in an effort to lose weight and also because I'm scared of the effects it has on my brain both now (depressed the day after) and long term in terms of dementia. I went through a few weeks of finding it hard to break the habit but I don't miss it at all. You CAN do this, it's worth it for your health and for your children's.

Possibly if your drinking is a large feature of life, your DP has been a bit dreading this holiday knowing it will give you a chance to fill your boots. He's probably disappointed you haven't even managed a flight without getting drunk.

As an experiment, can you decide you don't want to drink today? I think after yesterday that's how I'd feel in the morning - right that's it I'm not doing this anymore.

You could have a wonderful day where you're really present for your kids and make their first day of holiday incredible. Sounds like your family won't prioritise them over the booze so you need to. Be the mum they want and need and that you know you can be.

If you then find yourself half cut by 9pm and stumbling to get them to bed again because "I'm on holiday!", it's a pretty clear sign you've got a problem and have lost control over alcohol.

That's exactly what would have happened to me years ago and after having my own realisation- I've been sober for 10 years now thanks to AA.

A few have seized on the 1.5 bottles of prosecco, but didn't you say it was shared op? How many people shared it?

I'm normally one of the first to call out alcohol dependency. I'm very familiar with it and grew up in a household with a similar alcohol culture. One of my sisters is, I am pretty sure, drinking far too much. My other sister and myself have gone the other way - I don't drink much and dsis no longer drinks at all (her dh is also alcoholic).

But in your case, I don't feel like I know enough to judge whether you have a real problem or are being gaslighted by your dp. And, as someone else has said, are the two things linked?

1.5 bottles of prosecco drunk by one person is very different to a few friends drinking a couple of glasses each. Likewise, a holiday scenario is very different to every day. How frequently do you drink more than the recommended number of units per week? Are you capable of having some alcohol free days in a week without trouble?

You come from a heavy drinking family, which undoubtedly puts you at a higher risk of alcohol dependency, but it's not as black and white as that. The fact that you're questioning it is a good sign - if you are drinking too much, it's not too late to change the habit. But I'm interested in the other aspects of your life, as you sound lacking in self esteem. Are your relationships with others, including your dp, good? Does he make you feel happy and confident or do you find yourself questioning yourself a lot?

From what op said, she was guessing she drank that amount because several bottles were being shared. 1.5 bottles wasn’t the total amount being shared.

Ah right, then I misunderstood - perhaps @Approachingrockbottom can clarify.

1.5 bottles is a lot. You would have appeared drunk. You also seem unwilling to quantify how much you drink, giving a range from 1- several. You also appear to be trying to turn this round on others, like it’s unreasonable of them to expect you to put your own kids to bed, and you clearly didn’t navigate all the airport stuff alone.

There are two issues here: (1) you feel unhappy with your drinking and you recognise it's become an unhealthy habit, no doubt because it is so normalised in your family and your social circle. I was very much you - though probably drinking more than you when I quit, by the sounds of it - and stopping has been absolutely life changing. I didn't realise how much harder life and parenting were because I was drinking (when I thought I was drinking to relax and make life easier!).

(2) However, I would be taking with a grain of salt a comment from someone who is criticising your drinking, while also spending the evening in the bar with all the other adults in the group, while you are doing the parenting. Now, yes, I get it, these are your children and your responsibility on this trip, but someone who was genuinely concerned about you, your drinking and your children, would be there supporting you rather than taking themselves off to the bar when tagging along on what sounds like it was a family holiday for your dc. Sometimes people make unkind comments because it's easier to point the finger at someone else, especially if tensions are already high because they have been drinking all day too.

Leaving aside issues with family/your DP, your life will absolutely only get better if you stop drinking. Holidays will be more fun. You will feel less stressed. You will enjoy your dc more. It's not an easy decision to make, but it won't be one you regret.

However, I would be taking with a grain of salt a comment from someone who is criticising your drinking, while also spending the evening in the bar with all the other adults in the group, while you are doing the parenting. Now, yes, I get it, these are your children and your responsibility on this trip, but someone who was genuinely concerned about you, your drinking and your children, would be there supporting you rather than taking themselves off to the bar when tagging along on what sounds like it was a family holiday for your dc. Sometimes people make unkind comments because it's easier to point the finger at someone else, especially if tensions are already high because theyhave been drinking all day too

I really disagree with this, and strongly, she wasn’t paralytic and needed him at her side . And why should he not spend the evening in the bar with the other adults, he’s on holiday. What do you want him to do. Sit in the room sober to make a point.

From KCChiefette yesterday

'was in denial also. I drank 3-4 bottles of wine per week (usually a bottle at a time) and thought this was the norm as my friends did it too'

really struck a chord. This is exactly what my eldest told me when we had a chat about his drinking, and I mentionned I was concerned. Everyone does it mum, it is totally normal. And NO, it is NOT.

Well done for acknowledging you have a problem here, and for seeking help.

Most people I know think they can just 'cut down'- but if anyone has a real issue with alcohol, cutting down won't do the trick, and will only last for a short time. All those people doing 'dry January' and can't wait for 1st of Feb to drink more than ever, after.

Please don't exacerbate the issue with all-or-nothing thinking. Escalating to 'I am a bad parent' won't help. It might make you reach for the bottle. Instead think, painful as it was to hear, I think DH was right. I drank too much at the start of our holiday and that's not fair on DC.
That way you are focused on an actual event not all days you have ever parented being recast as terrible.

Can you make some decisions to start the evening with a soft drink, to swap any beer for alcohol free lager (tastes almost the same) mocktails for cocktails, and if you have wine, order a big bottle of fizzy water and ice, tip a small glass of wine into a pint glass and top it up to the brim with water so it is a long and very much weaker refreshing drink.