son in law and social class

highlandslady · 2024-02-27T20:26:33+00:00

Hello, I am posting for the first time and do realise I'm being silly about this, so I do feel.a bit embarrassed. Please be gentle ! My oldest daughter (30) has married and had a son with her DH, (44). She is the first of our three girls to get married and we adore our grandson, and like SIL very much too. However I'm getting in a tizz about things and worrying. They are having a wedding party to celebrate their marriage (small family affair in Scotland which we encouraged). They just had a small registry office wedding after their son was born, so this is a chance to celebrate Now however his family are getting involved , it's becoming bigger. They are much wealthier, posher, and higher educated than we are. Even though my SIL has been nothing but kind, generous and thoughtful with us, I do feel strange about the difference between us. He is obviously older than my daughter and people have made comments about her being a golddigger ( small village with gossips) . He brought us things like some lovely champagne as a present - he lives in France - and my sisters made a slightly sarcastic comment . Recently we had a village fundraiser for a charity appeal which he donated a significant sum to, meaning we reached our goal. He did this anonymously but it was easy to tell it was him, and afterwards he made a comment playing it down and suggesting it was nothing - well, it was months worth of mortgage payments and utilities to me. He also recently offered (via my daughter) to help my other daughter with childcare fees as she is really struggling. He did this very discreetly and politely but it made me feel like I can't provide for my family. I also feel very intimidated by his parents who are quite cool, snobby and seem to look down on us. His father held a very, very senior position in his career. My son in law is only a few years younger than me (so 'sil' sounds strange ) but has a very impressive career, beautiful house, top first class oxbridge degree. I've always felt confident but for some reason all of this is shaking me.

Original poster

highlandslady · 27/02/2024 20:30

Sorry , that's very rambling. I think it's just silly worrying coming to a head because of this wedding which feels like it changing so quickly from our original plans of a family and friends Scottish wedding

I've always been content with my wee simple family life, my good steady job, and this is the first time I've truly seen how the other half (or maybe the top 5 per cent) live.

Also my other daughters might be a bit jealous of their sister's new life - able to stay at home and have anything she wants.

OP posts:

Merrow · 27/02/2024 20:30

I would focus on the fact that he is kind, generous and thoughtful. What does your daughter think of his parents?

JacquesHarlow · 27/02/2024 20:31

Merrow’s first sentence is all you need to know, @highlandslady

KateLizAn · 27/02/2024 20:31

He sounds like a thoughtful generous person.

I think your inferiority complex sounds like the issue rather than him or his family.

Original poster

highlandslady · 27/02/2024 20:32

Merrow · 27/02/2024 20:30

I would focus on the fact that he is kind, generous and thoughtful. What does your daughter think of his parents?

She doesn't like them and finds them quite cold and judgemental - she has a good degree and is nicely put together, (as well as being lovely, funny, lively, kind and everything) - but they sort of act like she's not quite good enough for their family, she feels. They preferred his first wife who is from a much more similar background

OP posts:

Throwawayme · 27/02/2024 20:35

He sounds lovely what your sisters or other daughters or even what you think isn't relevant and really doesn't matter. The sarcastic comments about his gift you you were out of line and it sounds like a bit of reverse snobbery to me. Your family should just be happy for your daughter.

PossumintheHouse · 27/02/2024 20:37

You’re fretting about his conduct? When you’re clearly surrounded by a lot of jealous, bitter arseholes?

Original poster

highlandslady · 27/02/2024 20:38

KateLizAn · 27/02/2024 20:31

He sounds like a thoughtful generous person.

I think your inferiority complex sounds like the issue rather than him or his family.

Yes, I can see it's my issue - it's strange because I'm not usually one to compare myself to others.

He doesn't show off his privilege and so on but the things he references and his background are just obviously different from us.

He's helped me a lot in various ways - I'm a single mother and he has sorted things out with some cowboy builders i had, set me up with a session with his financial advisor after I shared that there were things I didn't know how to sort out, for example. He has put my youngest daughter in contact with a friend of his for an internship in a competitive industry she has always hoped to get into but did not know how

I think it's making me feel like I am not very good at 'life'? He really hasn't overstepped by the way.

OP posts:

Allwelcone · 27/02/2024 20:39

My cousin's wife feels like this, my aunt and uncle can be annoyongly snobby but are always helping her and their ds out.

They're annoying but she's (understandably) chippy, which has caused issues.

It's going to be tough for your daughter if she doesn't like her ILs.
How can you best make the situation better? I'd say if their love is strong it's not really your position to do anyrhing and just play along with dignity. You sound great, they've just been fortunate.

Misthios · 27/02/2024 20:40

Inverse snobbery in action.

FluffMagnet · 27/02/2024 20:40

It isn't your wedding party, first and foremost. You don't need to see the in-laws after this one party, so I'm sure you can be polite for one day. Imagine this reversed, you really come across snobbish and judgemental of others' lives. Your SIL sounds kind and thoughtful, and keen to be part of your family. The village gossips and your extended family, on the other hand, sound very unkind.

Original poster

highlandslady · 27/02/2024 20:40

Throwawayme · 27/02/2024 20:35

He sounds lovely what your sisters or other daughters or even what you think isn't relevant and really doesn't matter. The sarcastic comments about his gift you you were out of line and it sounds like a bit of reverse snobbery to me. Your family should just be happy for your daughter.

Yes - but it's hard because I do care about my family and I think jealousy can be natural
We are in a small community so these things do have an impact

OP posts:

PingvsPong · 27/02/2024 20:41

Well OP if he isn't standing up to his parents r.e. small wedding I'd be worried too. Everyone else's jealousy, comments etc are irrelevant.
He married your daughter after she'd had his child - which is the right thing to do. But why didn't he do so before... how long have they been dating? how well do they know each other really?

On the surface he seems kind and generous but donating so much to charity, offering to pay someone else's expenses I can see why it sort of gets people's backs up. it's like he's trying to make a good impression with the money. It is a wee bit overstepping to offer to help with childcare fees but did your daughter accept?

I'm not one to judge, we're not posh but earn well for our age. I do think that throwing money around, that seems little to you but a lot to others can get their backs up. While I also agree that people shouldn't make judgy comments.

Support your daughter, also make sure she's financially watertight because I guarantee you a posh family like that will have good lawyers to make sure that she doesn't inherit too much of the 'family wealth' if she divorces him.

Also I don't understand you saying 'he lives in France'? Surely, as they have a child together. He and your daughter both live in France?

Original poster

highlandslady · 27/02/2024 20:43

FluffMagnet · 27/02/2024 20:40

It isn't your wedding party, first and foremost. You don't need to see the in-laws after this one party, so I'm sure you can be polite for one day. Imagine this reversed, you really come across snobbish and judgemental of others' lives. Your SIL sounds kind and thoughtful, and keen to be part of your family. The village gossips and your extended family, on the other hand, sound very unkind.

I don't mean to be judgemental :(

OP posts:

Allwelcone · 27/02/2024 20:44

It is disempowering/awkward being helped I guess.

Whats that saying? "I don't know why he hates me, I've never done him any good".

I suppose you have to suck it up with good grace. What other option do you have realistically?

Misthios · 27/02/2024 20:45

You ARE being judgemental!! They're "not like us", they're better educated, they're cold and aloof.

You have decided you do not like these people without even giving them a chance, and despite of their son being lovely. Purely because they have money.

WandaWonder · 27/02/2024 20:49

highlandslady · 27/02/2024 20:40

Yes - but it's hard because I do care about my family and I think jealousy can be natural
We are in a small community so these things do have an impact

Show quote history

For calm normal rational people jealousy is not normal it appears he nor his family is the one with the issues

PingvsPong · 27/02/2024 20:49

Misthios · 27/02/2024 20:45

You ARE being judgemental!! They're "not like us", they're better educated, they're cold and aloof.

You have decided you do not like these people without even giving them a chance, and despite of their son being lovely. Purely because they have money.

Wrong. It's her DAUGHTER who finds them cold and aloof. Not the OP.
Surely she knows. They are her in-laws after all.

It's not wrong for OP to feel a bit insecure, as long as she doesn't influence her daughter. We can't help our feelings borne of a lifetime of experiences.

Everyone else should shut up, reject his help if they don't want it but really...

Original poster

highlandslady · 27/02/2024 20:50

PingvsPong · 27/02/2024 20:41

Well OP if he isn't standing up to his parents r.e. small wedding I'd be worried too. Everyone else's jealousy, comments etc are irrelevant.
He married your daughter after she'd had his child - which is the right thing to do. But why didn't he do so before... how long have they been dating? how well do they know each other really?

On the surface he seems kind and generous but donating so much to charity, offering to pay someone else's expenses I can see why it sort of gets people's backs up. it's like he's trying to make a good impression with the money. It is a wee bit overstepping to offer to help with childcare fees but did your daughter accept?

I'm not one to judge, we're not posh but earn well for our age. I do think that throwing money around, that seems little to you but a lot to others can get their backs up. While I also agree that people shouldn't make judgy comments.

Support your daughter, also make sure she's financially watertight because I guarantee you a posh family like that will have good lawyers to make sure that she doesn't inherit too much of the 'family wealth' if she divorces him.

Also I don't understand you saying 'he lives in France'? Surely, as they have a child together. He and your daughter both live in France?

Edited

Hello - yes, I think he is finding it hard to stand up to his parents, and he does share their tastes in some ways.

I Don't feel he is trying to splash the cash in a showy way but it does just make me feel slightly inferior, even though I know I'm from a line of hard working decent people.

And yes - his mother has made it very clear she wants to fence everything off from my daughter. But he has not stood for this and they share accounts etc. My daughter feels embarrassed about how she is perceived and tries to pay her way - she doesn't want to be seen as a trophy wife.

They do really love each other, you can just tell, they are so happy in each other's company. She met him when she was 26 but they didn't get together until a bit later.
It's a bit quicker as a relationship because they both wanted a child together (br already has children)

OP posts:

Maybeicanhelpyou · 27/02/2024 20:52

You were quite happy with your life before he came along, so really nothing has changed.
You can’t change the situation, but you can change how you are reacting to it.
Hold your head up high, you brought up a wonderful daughter who he fell in love with. He chose her, be proud, accept him for who he is. Your daughter has.

Original poster

highlandslady · 27/02/2024 20:53

Thank you very much for the comments so far.

Has anyone else found difficulties in navigating a relationship with people from different social backgrounds?

OP posts:

MCOut · 27/02/2024 20:53

I’ve said YANBU because everything you have said, makes it really clear that you know this is your issue. We all have our moments when we feel a bit small and unsure about things. You sound like, you’re the kind of person who is going to do your best to overcome these feelings, and that is all anyone can ask of you

coldcallerbaiter · 27/02/2024 20:54

Let’s be honest, many people will be thinking that she married someone 14 years older partly due to his wealth. Is she his second wife at all?

Littlecaf · 27/02/2024 20:57

It’s possible to decide they are not your kind of people AND be perfectly nice and pleasant. You do you, let them do them, keep it light and friendly for your DD and family.

PingvsPong · 27/02/2024 20:58

Maybeicanhelpyou · 27/02/2024 20:52

You were quite happy with your life before he came along, so really nothing has changed.
You can’t change the situation, but you can change how you are reacting to it.
Hold your head up high, you brought up a wonderful daughter who he fell in love with. He chose her, be proud, accept him for who he is. Your daughter has.

I don't think 'shared accounts' and the family wealth are quite the same thing. But many, many other women as you can see on this site have to deal with worse MILs without the benefit of a kind + generous husband, and his wealth.

Again, you have nothing to worry about really, you seem to have raised a sensible young woman who won't make the mistake of relying on family wealth. So what if his mother tries to 'fence her off'.

For me, when I have seen this situation usually it's that the wealthy side tend to dictate everything. Where the kids go to school, what they do, etc. Probably outing but a relative was dating a man from wealthy farming family, the sort that go to boarding school as a young child, own acres and acres of land, etc. Ultimately while he was extremely generous there was always that unspoken understanding that he would have the final say although he appeared outwardly collaborative. And that his/his family's wants and tastes would take precedence, as you can see with this change in wedding plans.

My relative is clever, beautiful and headstrong, she didn't want to be controlled. So she dumped him.

There are plenty of even celebs that have 'micro-weddings' or quiet weddings. There is no need to force them into a big do. Fair enough, if that's what he originally wanted and can now do with his family's financing along with your daughter. Not fair, if they'd both wanted a small wedding.

Your daughter has made her choice. Support her in the knowledge that she can always come back to you and speak freely.