son in law and social class

[highlandslady]

Hello, I am posting for the first time and do realise I'm being silly about this, so I do feel.a bit embarrassed. Please be gentle !

My oldest daughter (30) has married and had a son with her DH, (44). She is the first of our three girls to get married and we adore our grandson, and like SIL very much too.

However I'm getting in a tizz about things and worrying. They are having a wedding party to celebrate their marriage (small family affair in Scotland which we encouraged). They just had a small registry office wedding after their son was born, so this is a chance to celebrate

Now however his family are getting involved , it's becoming bigger. They are much wealthier, posher, and higher educated than we are.
Even though my SIL has been nothing but kind, generous and thoughtful with us, I do feel strange about the difference between us.
He is obviously older than my daughter and people have made comments about her being a golddigger ( small village with gossips) . He brought us things like some lovely champagne as a present - he lives in France - and my sisters made a slightly sarcastic comment . Recently we had a village fundraiser for a charity appeal which he donated a significant sum to, meaning we reached our goal. He did this anonymously but it was easy to tell it was him, and afterwards he made a comment playing it down and suggesting it was nothing - well, it was months worth of mortgage payments and utilities to me. He also recently offered (via my daughter) to help my other daughter with childcare fees as she is really struggling. He did this very discreetly and politely but it made me feel like I can't provide for my family.

I also feel very intimidated by his parents who are quite cool, snobby and seem to look down on us. His father held a very, very senior position in his career.

My son in law is only a few years younger than me (so 'sil' sounds strange ) but has a very impressive career, beautiful house, top first class oxbridge degree.

I've always felt confident but for some reason all of this is shaking me.

Just focus on your son in law and that he seems genuinely kind and caring to your daughter. Your village sounds mean and your friends flirting, wtf. What decent person does that to anyone in a relationship, least of all a friend’s daughter’s partner 🤯 How can you keep them as friends??

But most of all I hope your daughter does not give up work. That would be the worst, most isolating and most risky thing of all in this dynamic. Whatever career she had, is important too.

Life and people are fascinating. Maybe view it as a sociocultural learning experience…

I really do mean this kindly, but I think you should get over yourself a bit.
And think more highly of yourself and worry less about his family.

You say he is kind, generous and thoughtful. His discretion when dealing with finance/favours etc sounds admirable too.

The village gossips can fuck off (small community or not). Your sisters made a slightly sarcastic comment about a generous gift? How ungracious. Tell them so.

If his parents are 'cool, snobby and seem to look down on us' and 'judgemental' then, again, they are behaving ungraciously and classlessly. IME of people better off/of a higher social class than me, the decent ones make absolutely nothing of the differences and just behave... decently.

He sounds lovely! Op, you clearly need to prep some statements and some attitudes. re the donation for the charity, you say very sincerely when people comment ‘I’m just so happy we made the goal and will be able to xx <whatever it’s for> The charity/group/initiative it’s funding makes such a difference to the community/sick babies/ people of Gaza.’

for the wedding, enjoy it. Enjoy people watching, smile warmly, start conversions. Say I’m <brides> mother, how do you know x? Hes just fitted right in, such a lovely man. They seem so happy.
for his parents specifically, think of them as clients you want to set at their ease and charm. Be honest, friendly and warm. In your minds eye picture them as nervous and not knowing quite what to say so falling back on rather cold bland statements. If you are your warmest, friendliest self. Offer to help (I expect you’ll be refused) ask if there is anyone you should particularly make sure to meet, say authentic wonderful things about grandchildren (except not that they are your daughters clone, it’s not the time to be that mum!) ask if they are much like brothers children etc. plan to leave the event feeling like you know who a couple of the people who matter to him are, and know more about his parents than you did before. Maybe they will be cold and standoffish, you will be able to know that you honestly tried and that their friends saw you warm and friendly, not snipey with a chip on your shoulder. Remind your other daughters before going that comparison culture is a disease and you hope they all have a lovely time and are charming and kind.

I think you need to give your head a wobble - you have done nothing but say how lovely and thoughtful he has been - how happy your daughter is. Your daughter is who she is in a large part to your parenting - if he loves your daughter (and you say he does) then he probably really appreciates what you have done to contribute to her life.
By the sounds of it this man could have had a whole range of women at his feet - but he has chosen your daughter. He clearly loves her - ignore his wealth and privilege - and treat him like someone who treasures your most precious daughter.
This wedding, this marriage is not about you - its about her. So put on your big girl pants and kick you heels off and thorough enjoy this special occasion.

Hello- I'm at work but just wanted to say thank you for your responses so far, they've been really helpful and thoughtful and I'll reply properly later !

And just quickly - no she wasn't the other woman, but other people have assumed that too as it was quite quick. He does have children from his previous marriage.

The in laws may be cold and standoffish, or they may just be reasonably guarded. There’s a lot of preconceived notions that people will have about those with wealth (not just with wealth. People get judged all the time based on their accent, where they’re from, what they look like etc) and oftentimes that gets projected onto them regardless of whether they are in fact looking down on others or not. Are you going to be particularly warm towards someone that you know full well is judging you/has written you off as a person based on what they think you are?

There’s been threads on here where someone has come into money and suddenly found themselves faced with judgements, and expected to pay up for X, Y and Z because ‘they can afford it’. Wealth attracts resentment, and it attracts cheeky fuckers. It means that you can very often have to be guarded, and cynical when it comes to the motives of others.

If he is as nice as you say then hopefully he will be very aware of his parents’ coldness and will go out of his way to ensure everyone feels comfortable and relaxed at the party. Their will be ‘buffer’ people who can be asked to keep things smooth.

And if your DD has strong feelings about her own wedding party then she should be listened to.

Your DD sounds like she already has quite a lot to navigate and needs her family on her side. I hope it's "happily ever after" for her but the age/wealth difference and how that could affect the power dynamic in their relationship would make me a little uneasy.

Accept what your SIL offers with a good grace if you think it appropriate, tell your other children to get over themselves and leave their sister alone and plaster a smile on your face for this event and support your DD. It doesn't matter what the in-laws think of you.

Suggests she gets an iron clad prenup in place then.

watch that episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte negotiates with her MIL on this.

sorry to say that you and your DD sound a bit love bombed by him.

its the fairytale during this phase.

but is he going to be an equal parent? (Probably not)

as he’s bankrolling will he expect to make all the big decisions- where to live where the kids go to school etc?

is he going to dig deep and look at himself and do what he needs to step up when the going gets tough in the relationship? Or is he going to trade her in for a younger model in 10 years time as he has done once already? And gripe that HE never asked her to give up her career for him?

sorry to say all this but honestly I know loads of men similar to him. One type do the whirlwind/ marriage / kids / divorce several times over.

i have literally heard two men like him discussing ‘ah so you like to marry your PA?’ (He had done so three times)

you, if not your daughter should keep your eyes wide open.

marriage is a long road (good they are getting married though)

but no fairytale lasts for ever .

He’s already broken up with the mother of his first children. There’s another side to Prince Charming

Those saying PIL have nothing to do with school choices or weddings or where they live or how their grandchildren are brought up don't know how it works in upper class families. It's tied in to money and power dynamics and they really will have the fonal say, unless he completely breaks away and then they will cut all the privileges. First tes, the wedding. Who's type of wedding is it going to be. Easy to rationalise that they pay and it will all be great. But you will find all decisions are what they want but can be rationalised as good choices or opportunities. It's an insipid power dynamic supported by an upbringing where it is the norm for the SIL so he probably doesn't even challenge it. Add on the age difference and the quick breeding intention, together with the inappropriate financial interventions and he or his family are creating dependency and compliance which is the basis for control and manipulation.
You are right to be warey, OP

There's all sorts going on here for any marriage really, even if he worked in a supermarket down the road and had gone to the local comp.

As a parent you are giving her support and that's what she needs. They have chosen each other and they'll navigate it.

Be yourself, be interested in other people, have fun at the wedding, and make sure you get as much grandparent time as you want. The child will probably grow up adorable with that much contrast in their grandparents!

Get the chip off your shoulder. You sound lovely and he’s lucky to have you as a MIL. Ignore the gossips, concentrate on building your friendship with him and, as opportunity arises, his family. Welcome his kids. You will be a blessed relief by the sounds of it. Did his mother have much day in the first wedding? I bet she didn’t and is just sticking her oar in when she feels she has more chance. Encourage your daughter to smile and do as she likes about the plans. sounds as though he will support her wishes.
Every happiness to them. Come back and tell us about the big day!

I think you have to remember your socialist principles. It's easy to feel that someone is better than you just because they have more money but that is not true. His wealth and good degree etc are mostly due to luck of birth and upbringing. It's good that he's helpful. His parents sound a bit snobby but maybe they just have awkward manners

Probably this all feels more intense as it's coming up to the wedding/celebration and people are more interested (or gossipy!) about it. Just focus on the fact you have a lovely SIL, he generous but discrete. Make him feel welcome, only do what you can afford - but you can still do nice things that are free/low cost that you can enjoy as a family. Ignore the haters, they'll get fed up and move to another topic when it dies down hopefully.

Edit wrong thread.

It’s definitely the biggest bit of goss in a while locally. loaded posh guy marries local lassie. He’s giving it large with the cash donation and his posh aristo old money family are coming to the wedding. Hell, yea.

Given they’re minted, imagine the scramble at the wedding 😀💰💰💰💰