son in law and social class

[highlandslady]

Hello, I am posting for the first time and do realise I'm being silly about this, so I do feel.a bit embarrassed. Please be gentle !

My oldest daughter (30) has married and had a son with her DH, (44). She is the first of our three girls to get married and we adore our grandson, and like SIL very much too.

However I'm getting in a tizz about things and worrying. They are having a wedding party to celebrate their marriage (small family affair in Scotland which we encouraged). They just had a small registry office wedding after their son was born, so this is a chance to celebrate

Now however his family are getting involved , it's becoming bigger. They are much wealthier, posher, and higher educated than we are.
Even though my SIL has been nothing but kind, generous and thoughtful with us, I do feel strange about the difference between us.
He is obviously older than my daughter and people have made comments about her being a golddigger ( small village with gossips) . He brought us things like some lovely champagne as a present - he lives in France - and my sisters made a slightly sarcastic comment . Recently we had a village fundraiser for a charity appeal which he donated a significant sum to, meaning we reached our goal. He did this anonymously but it was easy to tell it was him, and afterwards he made a comment playing it down and suggesting it was nothing - well, it was months worth of mortgage payments and utilities to me. He also recently offered (via my daughter) to help my other daughter with childcare fees as she is really struggling. He did this very discreetly and politely but it made me feel like I can't provide for my family.

I also feel very intimidated by his parents who are quite cool, snobby and seem to look down on us. His father held a very, very senior position in his career.

My son in law is only a few years younger than me (so 'sil' sounds strange ) but has a very impressive career, beautiful house, top first class oxbridge degree.

I've always felt confident but for some reason all of this is shaking me.

She is his second wife, yes. They have attracted comments and they've managed this together. I find it very hard as her mother - she has been upset at times, people implying she has married him for money or because he just wants a baby
People can be nasty and judgemental.

Absolutely this. It’s your issue. Don’t fuck things up for your daughter. Sort this inverse snobbery out now (maybe go for some therapy to work out where it’s coming from?

They're 30 and 44. Not 19 and 33. Or 35 and 65.

She isn't young enough to be his daughter with a 14 year age gap (OP had her as a teen or very young I'm presuming if she's less than 2 decades older than her daughter). She has enough life experience at 30 to make her own decisions, people can shut the duck up. Think what they want, so small minded, just keep their traps shut.
Especially as.. so many immature men in their 30's stringing women along, refusing to commit etc.

Women can't win. Marry an older man you get called a gold-digger. Marry younger, a cougar. Strangely.. no words for the men who do the same thing.

Yes, navigating relationships with people from very different social backgrounds is so much harder when it's family/in-laws than friends.

As a solidly middle-class woman whose two long term relationships were respectively with a minor aristocrat and a proudly working class man, I've given my family their share of challenges in this 🤣

He sounds lovely. With luck, in time you'll feel more comfortable and relaxed about him and his family, and his parents will be won over as they get to see your daughter making him happy over the years.

There are so often tensions and difficulties in two families coming together. But it really does sound like your daughter's chosen a good man who's trying to love her family as he would if they were his own.

Thank you- yes , I agree with their tastes taking precedence. He definitely wanted a nanny for their son already, but my daughter didn't and so they have compromised. But his parents are already putting them under pressure to get a place at boarding school etc ! And with the wedding - it's all 'this is the right way to do xyz' and it all costs so much more than anything I would be able to even consider in my wildest dreams.

If she is having issues with his side of the family please don't end up making issues on her side too.

Your other daughters will need to get over themselves too.

Yes - exactly this !
I had her at 20 so he is only a bit younger than me (and is much closer in age to me than her - so that's another thing because I've now got friends flirting with him, unhelpfully!)

It's so much easier for men.

Did you ever have any funny moments introducing either of your partners?

I don't think 'ordinary' people understand it until they've interacted with people in such circles. It's much much different from a 'working class' person marrying a 'middle class' person I mean, a WC person could go to uni, get a good graduate job and earn well.

This kind of money , and attitude comes from inherited wealth. The difficulty is that the lifestyle is also tied to that wealth, her DH obviously is trying to please his parents because they hold the purse strings.

It's really not the same as any other 'normal family tension'. So people are wrong for just telling you to get over yourself.

How exactly?

This is quite unpleasant, it is like you accept his generosity but resent it and are jealous. He’s your son in law. You just need to make nice and try to rein your families meanness in.

I hope you are joking about your friends flirting with you son-in-law. If not, that is hugely inappropriate and disrespectful.

They need to behave as do your other daughters if they are making comments.

If your daughter doesn’t want a big wedding, now is the time to speak up. Her in-laws don’t get any say in where her child goes to school.

On one hand he sounds lovely but on the other, a man in his 40s who still can’t let go of his mommy’s skirt and is easily influenced by her (insisting on boarding schools?!!! Wtf?!!) is not exactly a catch, is he?

@GooseClues
thats not your call to make!

This just gets worse. You’re all jealous and your friends hit on him? Poor bloke.

What kind of wedding does your daughter want? If she only wants a quiet wedding, then help her find the strength to stand up to his parents, it to convince him that's that is what she wants and to stand up to his own parents.

My daughter's ex was a similarly nice guy, CV with parents who were super confident ex pat wealthy types. My reserved DD (and me as a very ordinary widow) found them pretty terrifying.

I was sad that she and he split up (for unrelated reasons) but her present partner and his parents are so much more relaxing to be around. So I do understand how you feel.

I’d let your DD manage her own relationship with your in-laws. However cold and aloof they seem to be, there’s little you can do to “fix” things other than being there for her when she needs a moan about them.

Your son in law sounds kind and generous. Just take his attempts to help at face value.

DH comes from a similar enough background to me, but has a few aunts/uncles/siblings who have done very well for themselves in their respective careers. They are all very happy to help other members of the extended family when needed- work experience for any dc, professional advice, introducing connections, charity donations etc etc. No one feels patronised, and it’s lovely seeing a family so happy to share their success and experience with no strings attached.

I think originally she wanted the bigger wedding - he didn't mind because he had already been married, and just wanted her to be happy. But she can't afford a big wedding by herself, and he can, but that seems to come with the parents influence... weddings are tricky.

She loves being with him but she does still feel out of place with them.

He sounds lovely, focus on that.

Your comment makes no sense! My call to… what?!

Yes, he sounds nice in paper. However, they wanted a small family event. Now they’re doing something big because his mom said so. Why is his mom making comments about boarding schools or how they split their finances? It’s non of her business. He’s not a young guy in his 20s looking at his parents for guidance. He’s a full grown man who should be firmly standing on his own. If his mom is making comments to him he should just tell her to keep out of it and it should never have even gotten back to his wife.

He might otherwise be the most loveliest and generous man but if he can’t keep his parents opinions out of his marriage it will slowly erode it.

No - because I know who/what I am, my own strengths & weaknesses, and really enjoy getting to know new people.

I don't give a shit what they think of me, tbh. I mean, I have good manners and can use a full place setting properly, wouldn't turn up to a wedding in a bridal gown or a bikini. I'm 'inoffensive', if you like. Anyone choosing to take offence at my socio-economic status is a wanker.

The main thing is, I care what I think of them. There are always fascinating people, funny people, sad people in need of a boost, general run-of-the-mill people and somebody who loves dancing.

In short, be your lovely self and "sing for your supper" by being interested in those around you 😊

Oh, and wear what suits you, not what you'd label 'high class'. It just isn't worth twisting yourself out of shape because there will always be bitches, no matter what.

Thank you , that is the confidence boost I need !

In the nicest possible way, OP, you sound over-involved. I thought you said they live in France? It just sounds as if you’re pretty enmeshed if your SIL is helping you with your builders, setting you up with financial advice and making huge anonymous donations to your village fundraiser etc. Stop telling him about stuff you’re not handling if his help is making you uncomfortable, and it’s understandable that it is.

Your daughter’s relationship with her PILs shouldn’t be your concern, or even hers. Unless he’s terribly close to his parents, it’s not going to be of any great moment to her. I can think of happily married couples from very different social backgrounds whose parents cordially loathed their children’s choice, both sets (my best friend is from second generation intelligentsia and married into minor aristocracy, and both sets of parents think it was a mésalliance).

cordially loathed - What a wonderful expression! The world could use more cordial loathing 😂