Why don't parents feed children what they eat?

[Gruffallowhydidntyouknow]

Twice this week I have had conversations with people that make me wonder why in the UK we are obsessed with children's food and feeing children bland foods.

One friend told me that they were furious at their mother in law, as they had been for Sunday lunch at the weekend and had had to go to Tesco to get food in for their children (5,7, 10) because it was ridiculous that they were being offered the roast beef dinner.

Another friend was bemoaning cooking two different meals as she had to cook something the children would eat and something separate for her and her wife. She laughed and said she couldn't wait until they were old enough to eat curry (8 year old twins).

I despair at the sight of pub menus as it's always beige and chips for the children or a token tomato pasta unless you are in a really nice place. Is that really how people feed children?

I have literally never made separate foods with the exception of not giving my children steak pre teeth.

I'm genuinely intrigued what makes people feed their children separately. Is it that people really believe that children won't eat normal foods? Do people think you "shouldn't" give children spicey foods, or Game/ an olive / duck / stir fry?

Is it that they were weaned on plain things and are now fussy?

I'm not talking about the tiny portion of additional needs selective eaters.

DD's always ate what we ate. Weird crustaceans included! Italian heritage played a good part in that, although not a spicy diet, definitely herbed, garlic and wine.

No doubt some of it is luck with kids, but I also think giving no alternative helps. They ate one meal at nursery, no options, one meal at school, no options, no packed lunches allowed. If you didn't eat it, so be it.

Having grown up with a sibling with AFRID I know it's not as simple for everyone to just all eat the same. In fact eating a family meal can become highly traumatic for all involved. So perhaps for some people preparing multiple meals is actually the easier, happier option.

Having grown up in a household so effected by eating and food I have tried to be as neutral as possible with my own DC over eating. They are a pretty decent eater but like most they have a few areas of specificness mainly around texture which is fine and I don't include those elements in family meals (it's pretty easy to meal plan so as to avoid kiwi fruit tbh).

And just for any parents in the grips of AFRID right now - it does get easier. My sibling started exploring food more in their late teens and they can now eat a far more varied diet.

Unfortunately I have a fussy older child who just won't eat anything particularly adventurous (but younger one will). I usually do a mix but I'm not living on the food she seems acceptable. I like lots of vegan and vegetarian curries, stir fries, adventurous stuff and it's one of my main pleasures in life. I'll offer it to her/her brother but she has a fairly limited set of food she's willing to eat, and at 13 and having school meals etc and some money of her own (you can get a lot of rubbish for not v much money) she just wouldn't eat family meals if I gave her exactly what I make for me. I'd rather she had some plain pasta, cheese with veg on the side and at least eats some fruit/veg, even if she's not super experimental!

It's sometimes a faff and it's not what I would have chosen (did BLW etc and while she was little she'd eat what we did), but as she gets older I'm teaching her to cook some family meals too that everyone can have (or can be adapted fairly easily for different people), so it also doesn't all fall to me.

Sometimes we are eating a vindaloo. Sometimes we are eating super extra salty ham hock etc. Sometimes we are having a date night. Sometimes they have already eaten a plate of pasta at nursery / childminders and can only manage fruit and yoghurt.

When we eat out, just like anyone else at the table, they can choose whatever they like for their meal and will take the opportunity to have nuggets. Because they are children and this is often a preference - however good they are at eating all other times.

There are a plethora of reasons why. But predominantly, we all eat the same foods together. And if we can’t eat together, they eat the same food the next day.

If I can dish them some up before the salt and spice, I will. So will most people - certainly most people I know.

This OP is baiting and this thread is so far removed from reality.

I was once at a cpd workshop on healthy eating in children or some such and after the session one colleague (who was a mom) asked what should she do since her toddler only eats jelly and custard?
Turns out after a few questions the situation were as follows. They always had a lovely cooked dinner, meat and veg and starch whatever. And then afterwards dessert would be jelly and custard. And then after a while toddler began asking for jelly and custard before finishing his meal. And then after a while he would just refuse to eat his dinner and wanted jelly and custard. Which mama gave. And so pretty soon, toddler would absolutely refuse any dinner and only have jelly and custard.
And his mom spouted the same 'but if I don't give him jelly and custard , he won't eat anything, and surely you cannot let a toddler starve'. (Firstly it's not as if food is nutritionally equal, he's not being well fed on jelly and custard, secondly how can you not see that he is refusing the food IN ORDER to get the jelly and custard. ) And he has learnt to just refuse long enough and his parents will give in.

And it's exactly the same with any other food such as nuggets or pasta or chips. 'my child ONLY eats xyz'. You mean you always give xyz.

Obv we're not saying every baby should eat spicy food, and you make some allowances, but if a kid ONLY eats 3 types of food (and there is no sensory component such as processing disorder or severe autism) I'm sorry to say it's the parents that enabled this

I'm sorry this is such a weird comment to me. Your taking an exception to negate the rule.
Obviously no parent will give a lactose intolerant baby milk? Do you think we'd rather stay up at night with a vomiting baby.??
We're talking about kids without allergies and intolerances . The thread didn't imply that people are weird for making their peanut allergic kid not eat peanut.
We're talking about kids that have no problems.
Why would you bring intolerances into it?

It reminds me of a thread a few weeks ago where someone found it interesting that so many kids are on their phones or tablets these days and why parents aren't doing anything about it. And the people piped up 'my kid has autism, he uses screens to self regulate'.
Sureee, there are exceptions. Kids with allergies sensory issues. Etc.
If we expect all kids to attend school, why would anyone so 'oh but my kids is I'll, do you still want her to go??' No Sarah obv not.

I feed or at least try to feed my 1.5 yr old what I eat. I don't have dinner until he goes to bed so his dinner is usually what I had the night before.

I am reading all these comments looking for hope! I started him at 6 months on things like spinach, broccoli, carrot, potato, aubergine, courgette loads of different veg. He eat them all and loved them.

He is already starting to get fussy and I don't know where it is coming from. He will eat something 1 day but not the next. Unless it is pasta his fav is penne with just about anything.

I really hope it's a phase.

I don't get it either. in our family kids eat what we eat. and we are Bangladeshi so it's spicy.

my two and half year old nephew was telling me the other day how much he likes chillies in his food lol

@Jellycatspyjamas you're right, I did. And I stand by the reasoning. Adults don't want a big fuss with their kids whilst eating out, so they order something safe like chicken nuggets.

I see eating out differently. I see eating out as a chance to try something new, something I don't regularly serve at home, as I always have. When we eat put I encourage my kids (4 of them) to try new things. If they don't like it they can swap with each other. Or they can eat the bits they do like. They've never starved, just maybe had some more bread, or a pudding. I try not to.say "you won't like it", because they might just love it.

And no, I'm.not perfect at all, it's just a different approach to eating out.

@pontipinemum there's a theory that toddlers go through a fussy phase when they start getting mobile, as a survival technique to stop them wandering off and eating poisonous berries/mushrooms. Plus their tastebuds are developing and they may be more sensitive to bitter/sour/salty flavours than adults, and their growth rate (and appetite) slows down a bit compared to when they're younger. So when they're just started weaning they'll try anything, but it's normal for them to refuse things they've previously enjoyed around this age.

@meowie I can totally see how ot happens. Its exhausting having kids, especially when working, and the last thing anyone wants is to fight with them about food.
Having not had a good relationship woth food all my life, I've really trued to avoid this with mine, but it has taken a massive amount of effort.
And I still tailor some meals. I know one kid doesn't really like potatoes, he will eat them, but I generally serve potatoes when he's out. Another doesn't like Risotto. Again, when she's out we might have it. Or, they make themselves something else. I won't force them to eat things they don't like, but I do expect them to try what I've made, and eat the bits they like. They can get an alternative, if they truly hate it, but 99% of the time, we eat as family and eat the same things.

To those people who are saying why bring intolerances into it, and that no-one would feed a child milk etc if it made them ill.

Most intolerances are at the child has stomach pains and diarrhoea sort of level.

It's not easy to work out what is causing it and lots of children aren't diagnosed with intolerances until they are relatively old.

Many parents do feed their kid (or try to feed their kid) food that the kid has an intolerance to. It's really common.

Firstly I love hot spicy food. How can I feed my toddler the food Iike?
Secondly, my toddler doesn't like salty food or sour food. He prefers bland food.
Before he became a toddler, I also thought I could share my food with him and we could eat the same dish as I had but no, he just can't eat the food I normally make so I have to make either bland food to share it with him or two separate dishes.
I can't make two menus so I just decided to change my appetite and eat bland food which I don't like.

Everybody has their own reason why they have made their choice. Not all children are the same.

@pontipinemum I think most toddlers will go through fussy phases at some point, no matter what you do in terms of weaning etc. As someone else said, there's a theory that it's at least partially an evolutionary survival thing. Most will come out of it at some point, particularly if you keep offering plenty of variety (even if they turn their noses up at it) and don't get too stressed out about it all. In a lot of cases, it's just a phase, albeit an annoying one.

I see eating out differently. I see eating out as a chance to try something new, something I don't regularly serve at home, as I always have. When we eat put I encourage my kids (4 of them) to try new things. If they don't like it they can swap with each other. Or they can eat the bits they do like. They've never starved, just maybe had some more bread, or a pudding. I try not to.say "you won't like it", because they might just love it.

My DS will try lots of new things, at home and made by me - he’s in a safe environment and knows my cooking. He can often help with cooking at home too. In a restaurant he knows that familiar food will be cooked differently and taste different. I’d rather he learned to enjoy and look forward to eating out than be anxious.

Nothing to do with being a perfect parent, we parent the child we have, it’s just easier to do that without other parents being sniffy about beige children’s menus which may actually enable a child to enjoy a social activity without stress. My child can cope with new food in a safe environment or a new environment with safe food. He can’t cope with new environment and new or different food.

I’ve never suggested he not try something because he might not like it, I have many times deal with his tears when something he thought he’d like turned out not to be the case.

Coming from abroad 25 years ago I think the reason is most people cannot cook from scratch or properly . British food with a few exceptions is bad and bland . So they turn to easy to do stuff that is cheap and kids eat . I think it actually improved a lot in the last 20 years and seems this new generation actually enjoys cooking .

When I was a kid in the 70s, you ate what was put in front of you! If you didn't like it, you went hungry and soon learned! But in that respect, I was lucky that my mum and both my grandmothers were excellent cooks from scratch, there were no convenience foods as such, back then. I only had one Chinese takeaway when I was a child in tht 70s!
Even when McDonalds appeared in the 80s it was not a given, it was a treat to be taken for one.
When my godson was small, he was taken to McDs nearly every day, to keep him quiet, because he screamed and screamed if they passed the golden arches and didn't stop to get him nuggets. That absolutely appalled me! And I feel it was also the reason he refused to eat most foods at home.
There's no way my mum would have pandered to me and cooked another meal to appease me!

I think this is absolute hogwash. British food done properly is not bland…. It’s not spiced certainly but it’s not bland. And you and the people you know are not “most” people.

I don't doubt that for children with extreme issues like ARFID that would be the case (I hope that severe cases are dealt with in the same way allergies are, with a doctors note for a special meal) but for normal fussiness, according to my daughter, they just eat the food even though they don't like it and wouldn't eat it at home (the amount of times my DD has come home and complained that the food was bad, I asked if she ate it and she said yeah of course, but it was really bad!). If its really bad, they take a small portion, and then take extra salad and bread.

I must confess that my parents used to do this to me when I was younger when we ate out and it really frustrated me. They got to decide what I ate for every meal when I was at home - fair enough, they were preparing the food, they set the menu. But then we'd go to a restaurant where there were lots of options and they didn't have to do anything but they'd still control what I'd eat - 'oh, you always have that, it's too plain, you need to have something more exciting'. Drove me nuts - what difference did it make to them if I wanted to have a chicken korma as opposed to a prawn madras, or fish and chips rather than confit duck? It would be maybe one meal every three months where I'd actually have a choice and I wasn't even allowed to make that freely.

Agree! I live abroad and there aren’t many ‘Children’s menus’ in lots of places, it wouldn’t cross my mind to order my Dd food off a kids menu. Usually we order ours and give her a plate with things from our meals and at home I make just one family dinner, no way am I faffing around making separate meals. She eats well, if there’s something she really doesn’t like, I won’t make that for our family dinners, same as if we are not keen on certain foods
However, I have friends whose kids are v fussy, so they have no choice not to seek out only foods they which actually eat, which I totally get. It’s likely just unlucky that they’re fussy eaters and mines not, just like my Dd is a pain in the bum sleep wise, and there’s isn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mine was a dream to wean - tried everything, ate everything, all these pictures of his big chubby face covered in curry and chilli! Then he stared getting fussier and we've ended up with a list of about 15 foods. I vowed I'd never be the mum that hides the vegetables in sauces but here I am. He simply will not eat if he doesnt like it though he is getting better at having something he doesn't like on his plate (like one tiny broccoli spear I put there hoping he'd be interested).

We eat with him most of the time (depending on schedules),we have a good varied diet, we're adventurous eaters, I'm a good cook but this child seems destined to survive on pizza and cucumber slices. At the end of the day, he needs to eat so if I have to make him a different dinner or something modified then I'll do it, I'm responding to his needs and he'll get there eventually with his eating.

@tealweasel thanks for the words of encouragement I appreciate it. He has recently leant how to say banana and yells that at me. At least he has manors outside the house. Nursery have said that he eats everything they give him. Normally 'traditional' enough stuff (cottage pie/ casserole) but also pasta and some fish.

I think can be a bit of issue if you like your food spicy. I like spicy curry and chilli and it's too much for a 5 year old. We did try chilli with 5 year old but next day she had a really sore bum!!! Generally if we have chilli the kids have something else. If we have curry, I make a balti for us and a korma for the kids!
It's not as simple as you make out.

There are time issues too, we don't eat with the children during week as can't eat that early, but we all eat together at weekends and I try cook family friendly meals. We have more exotic adult meals during week when kids eat separately.

Also as for kids menus, I like that there are safe options. As my 5 year old is a good eater, but suspicious. so for example she will eat bolognese if I make it at home but would be very wary in a restaurant, as it will taste slightly different to at home. And no matter how much we try to persuade her that she'll like it and she loves it at home she is frightened to try or she will try it and say she doesn't like it as it has too many onions or other silly thing and it can make a very stressful meal and a waste of money. I like that chicken nuggets and chips will definitely be enjoyed!

British food can be hearty and comforting, tasty even. But is most definitely is bland.