Why don't parents feed children what they eat?

[Gruffallowhydidntyouknow]

Twice this week I have had conversations with people that make me wonder why in the UK we are obsessed with children's food and feeing children bland foods.

One friend told me that they were furious at their mother in law, as they had been for Sunday lunch at the weekend and had had to go to Tesco to get food in for their children (5,7, 10) because it was ridiculous that they were being offered the roast beef dinner.

Another friend was bemoaning cooking two different meals as she had to cook something the children would eat and something separate for her and her wife. She laughed and said she couldn't wait until they were old enough to eat curry (8 year old twins).

I despair at the sight of pub menus as it's always beige and chips for the children or a token tomato pasta unless you are in a really nice place. Is that really how people feed children?

I have literally never made separate foods with the exception of not giving my children steak pre teeth.

I'm genuinely intrigued what makes people feed their children separately. Is it that people really believe that children won't eat normal foods? Do people think you "shouldn't" give children spicey foods, or Game/ an olive / duck / stir fry?

Is it that they were weaned on plain things and are now fussy?

I'm not talking about the tiny portion of additional needs selective eaters.

This is interesting.

I see the if they're hungry they'll eat crowd has come out.

A awful lot of people have some level of intolerance.

Lactose is the most obvious one - in many peoples the ability to digest lactose goes after early childhood, hence why Chinese and Indian food often has no or very little milk or cheese.

medlineplus.gov/genetics/condition/lactose-intolerance/#:~:text=Approximately%2065%20percent%20of%20the,people%20affected%20in%20these%20communities.

In someone with an intolerance, the pain from vomiting/diarrhea/stomach cramps is often worse than the pain caused by hunger, and in fact the doctors often recommend that if you have ingested cheese etc and set off a flare that you don't eat for a while to give your stomach a break.

So if you think about all the people with lactose intolerance, gluten intolerance, etc, I think every culture will have its "fussy eaters".

And you can't get rid of intolerances by just making the kid eat what you eat.

British kid pub food is bland and beige. But it's also often lactose free, citrus free, nut free, and sometimes gluten free.

France has its own problems with food -schools often won't provide a kosher or halal meal which causes problems with Jewish and Muslim children. Again, those kids are not going to simply eat what they are given even if because of parental reaction.

I have a seven year old son who won't eat spicy foods, soup/stews or gravy. But he will still eat a roast dinner and vegetables just with ketchup instead, so I wouldn't have to sort him a separate meal if someone was doing a roast.

I don't cook two separate meals from scratch but there are little adaptations for him sometimes, like I will make a spicy tomato pasta sauce and a separate non spicy one. But I chop one onion and a couple of peppers and mushrooms and split them between the two sauces, then cook the pasta so there are three saucepans on the hob instead of two. It's not that much more effort.

And I did give him korma as a baby/toddler but it's just not carried on as he won't eat it anymore.

DC usually eats what we eat, or at least has the option of doing so (sometimes studiously picking and discarding anything resembling a vegetable, sometimes scoffing the lot!). There are some meals they don't like (eg too spicy - they like mildly spicy but not too spicy) so if we're making those we'll make sure there's an alternative option. Sometimes they just want a sandwich or some toast, though, and that's ok, I don't mind making that for them instead.

I don't think this is true. There are fussy kids everywhere. Eating together, encouraging them to eat different things etc will help, you definitely shouldn't assume they'll only eat chicken nuggets and stick to that.

However, are you really saying this is only a problem in the UK and every other European country has it sorted? I just don't think that's true. I've read literature about childhood nutrition and fussy eating is a problem the world over.

Mine were great eaters until they hit about 4-5.

I've spent many, many meals serving them what we eat and they would just pick at the things they like (onion rings with steak, garlic bread with spag bol, naan with a curry etc) or they don't touch it and I have to make them a sandwich or a bowl of Weetabix anyway so they don't go to bed hungry. I'm not going to force them to eat something they dislike.

I don't really care what other people think of it. I'm tired of the waste and fighting. Usually I try to just substitute an ingredient to limit the different meals. Like today - I've got a chicken casserole in the slow cooker and we'll have it with mash and extra green veg. My younger one might try the casserole but I have sausages as a back up cause I already know my eldest won't like it.

The only thing I insist on is them eating some kind of veg with each dinner, but they get to choose which veg.

A quick Google of

Mon Enfant refuse a manger

(My child refuses to eat)

Pulls up hundreds and hundreds of web pages.

The first of which says check with a doctor for intolerances and for any gastric problems.

So it's clearly an issue in France.

My German is not good enough to Google for German web pages but if I get really bored later I might try Spanish as well.

www.qare.fr/blog/enfant-refuse-de-manger/#:~:text=Le%20refus%20alimentaire%20peut%20être,spécifiques%20(dysoralité%20sensorielle%20par%20exemple

I do feed them what I eat, whether they eat it or not is another matter entirely. As the old saying goes, you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink…

This is one of those parenting topics a bit like sleep and breastfeeding where it’s easy to think that any ‘success’ on your side is down to your superior parenting.

We were equally foolish when we had one child who had no issues with breast feeding, would settle himself at 7pm for bed and eat everything we gave. We’d congratulate ourselves on what brilliant parents we were …. 😂

Fast forward to a second child who was completely different and eldest turning 3 and now only sleeps if you lay next to him at bedtime and became increasingly fussy with food, and we realise what judgemental fools we were 😂

Our youngest Still eats everything she’s given and has a much more varied diet; but oldest has taken it upon himself to not want meat and won’t eat so many things. He also vomits after trying certain foods; so we can’t tell if it’s a sensory thing or an intolerance or behavioural.

It’s very hard to know what is best, so yes we do offer them foods we know they will eat which often means not eating at the same time as us as he will get extremely hungry and desperate.

I have read that children switching to ‘beige’ foods is a biological process that it happens to protect themselves from poisoning. They apparently grow out of it.

we read all the weaning books, know all the best practice guidance etc and still find this area very hard so topics like this pique worry and shame for those who have fussy eaters and is a good reminder that we all have our parenting battles on the journey and if it’s not food it will be something else.

I think the UK is another level with fussy eating. There's obviously fussy eaters everywhere, one of my daughter's friends is one, but it doesn't seem to be so extremely common as it seems to be in the UK (though of course that might be just because its the parents of fussy eaters who talk about it, not the parents of children that eat normally so you hear more about fussy eating)

There's a natural limit to fussy eating in my country at least because there's no packed lunches at nursery or school, and no meal options either beyond special dietary needs, so the children that are fussy at home (like both of mine have been at points and still are to some extent) just have to eat what they're given (but they serve themselves so they have that element of control, they can choose how much or how little of each food to take, and can fill up with bread), you can't just take the easy option of sending them in with a packed lunch you know they'll eat.

I have kids who love vegetables and eat everything. Yes, they were offered it all from babyhood, but I put it mostly down to luck. I also believe there is a genetic component to it too. I know of many children with food phobias whose parents will say "to be honest, I was the exact same at her/his age".

Yes same issue here - v hard to do big family sit down dinner together when navigating around work etc.

@fleurneige here's a paper on picky eating globally - big caveats as different studies define picky eating differently, use different reporting methods, look at different age and demographic groups etc so it's hard to compare

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0195666315003438

Reported prevalence -
China over 50%
Netherlands 26%
New Zealand 36%
Japan up to 38%
Netherlands 5%
Sweden 30%
Singapore 40%
Italy 20%

etc etc

It's just not true that this is only a problem in the UK. I think in the UK we love to get a sadomasochistic thrill out of saying how awful our food culture is and making out that everywhere else is much better.

It's definitely true to say that parental response and general food culture influences what happens to picky eaters, and whether they ever go on to eat a wider range of foods or whether their 'safe' foods are healthy or junk food.

Maybe in the foreign country the family sitting around are telling the kid not to be so fussy, but you don't understand the language?!

Interesting - my husband is extremely fussy even now whereas i have never been, always ate everything and have no issues with eating any foods now either. My son does seem to have the same reactions to the same foods as my husband so perhaps there’s something in this.

either way, both kids seem to have strong preferences for very different foods and seem stubborn enough to entirely refuse to even try any family meals we offer. I imagine the advice would be to starve them out until they give in but again this is tricky when you see their behaviour so clearly linked to hunger.

I have a fairly fussy daughter and less fussy son. They like opposite things. Son will eat eggs and beans until the cows come home, daughter won't touch them and likes fish and meat.

So long as they get enough nutrients, I don't see the point in forcing it.

Yes these threads always end in ‘it’s just the British culture, everywhere else has it right’ type responses, but that’s really not true.

In all honesty I don't want to sit down for dinner at 6pm, and the children don't want to eat the same things as me. Eating your dinner isn't really enjoyable if you're also thinking about how the toddler needs to be heading to bed in 15 minutes, and the bigger one doesn't want rice for dinner because she had it at school. It's normal for kids to go through a fussy eating stage, and it's easier to make them the things they'll like than try to work out how to adapt what I like to their tastes. We do lunch as a family at the weekend, but for weekdays, it's just not feasible to eat as a family.

Because we put the food in front of them and they won't bloody well eat it, even if they are really hungry. Some children are like that. Next question?

We eat a family dinner together 4 nights a week and we make an effort on those days to make sure we all eat the same thing. On the other 3 days my son eats at nursery and logistics of travel/work/bedtimes mean that we aren't able to sit down for a meal together, and frankly there are some meals that I don't want to share with my child - last night we had one of my favourite dinners, which is salty enough that I try not to have it too regularly and definitely wouldn't want to give it to my son. I'm also loathe to spend e.g. a bunch of money on a steak for him that he likely wouldn't eat and even if he does he'd only have a small amount of it. It's also sometimes nice to have a dinner where I can just relax and enjoy my food vs responding to toddler demands, staving off tantrums etc.

That said, when we eat together he's offered the same as we eat and I try not to worry about it if he isn't interested. He always has a big breakfast and usually a solid lunch so I'm not concerned that he's undernourished or starving.

Because they are not all as perfect as you, clearly.

Bit of an obvious one but I do know children that refuse to eat cheese because 'mum hates cheese' (they'll eat it on a dominoes though) and won't eat fish 'cause dad says fish is disgusting'.

There are a fair few parents out there that ruin their child's food exploration without a second thought.

This is reminding me of mine (he's 2). Insisting on something being too big, rather than biting it. But when I go to cut it "nooo, leave it whole!" Can't win with toddlers😆

For us 3 big reasons.

First the kids come home from school starving and want to eat by 5. We don’t get back from work till 7 and then do bath and bedtime and eat later. For us all to eat together the kids would have to stay up super late.

Second is nutrition. I have 2 boys who do a lot of sport, are growing, and are both thin. A good meal for them involves quite a high fat content (dairy, olive oil, avocadoes etc), heaps of carbs and a bit of protein. Husband and I have desk jobs. A meal for us involves salads and a bit of protein. If i ate what my boys eat i’d be the size of a house. If they ate what I do, they’d waste away.

Final is seasoning. We eat a lot of spicy and heavily salted food, we cook in wine etc. A lot of this just isn’t suitable for kids.

The roast dinner example is ridiculous by the way, if it’s stuff like roasts we’d eat together. But an average midweek supper for me might be some white fish and steamed veg, where my kids would have a fish pie with vegetables. Or i’d have some spiced chicken with salad and they’d have lasagne.

i’d prefer their food lol

They don’t have to eat school dinners, they can just not eat. My son would be hungry rather than eat stuff he can’t.

I truly believe there is something to it. I won't bore you with all the examples on which I've based my theory, but my kids have shown curiosity about foods from babyhood which are foods that I love. On the other hand, I've seen kids stare at a plate with silent tears rolling down their faces because they can see the pasta sauce has onion in it - the reaction is genuinely visceral, despite seeing the parents eat same regularly. I definitely think kids can overcome some dislikes with encouragement, but I think a lot of what a child navigates towards is based on something more innate. I think we can respect a plain palate with whole foods though (plain pasta, potato etc) - UPFs do not need to be in the picture at all.

I don’t typically make a separate meal for my ds and dd and we all eat dinner at the same time. I’ve never understood making separate meals or eating at different times to the kids.