Why don't parents feed children what they eat?

[Gruffallowhydidntyouknow]

Twice this week I have had conversations with people that make me wonder why in the UK we are obsessed with children's food and feeing children bland foods.

One friend told me that they were furious at their mother in law, as they had been for Sunday lunch at the weekend and had had to go to Tesco to get food in for their children (5,7, 10) because it was ridiculous that they were being offered the roast beef dinner.

Another friend was bemoaning cooking two different meals as she had to cook something the children would eat and something separate for her and her wife. She laughed and said she couldn't wait until they were old enough to eat curry (8 year old twins).

I despair at the sight of pub menus as it's always beige and chips for the children or a token tomato pasta unless you are in a really nice place. Is that really how people feed children?

I have literally never made separate foods with the exception of not giving my children steak pre teeth.

I'm genuinely intrigued what makes people feed their children separately. Is it that people really believe that children won't eat normal foods? Do people think you "shouldn't" give children spicey foods, or Game/ an olive / duck / stir fry?

Is it that they were weaned on plain things and are now fussy?

I'm not talking about the tiny portion of additional needs selective eaters.

In our house our three year old is served exactly what we're having and he either eats it or doesn't. I don't stress about it anymore and I'm certainly not making two meals. If he tries anything on his plate that he might not have tasted before we make a big fuss of him (even if he immediately spits it back out) but we don't comment at all if he doesn't try it.

I hate to say this, but as much as I love my adult DC, I so much hate them coming for something to eat, because one is a vegetarian who is gluten free (by choice,) and the other is a vegan. I don't eat any red meat, and DH does (not much as it's rarely in the house but he's not too fussed. He does like it occasionally though.)

Doing meals for me and DH is OK/easy, as it's mostly anything but red meat. Occasionally I will do DH a roast beef meal that I buy pre cooked from M & S or Morrisons, or a minced beef pie and chips, or beef pasty and mash and veg, and have a chicken pie myself or roast chicken meal when he has the beef one. But 95% of the time we eat the same. White meat or fish with vegetables or pasta or pizza or spag bol with quorn mince or cod and chips, or a big chicken and veg stew, or salmon and boiled potatoes and veg (or a massive salad, etc.) Or even beans on toast!

But with DC who are a gluten free vegetarian and a vegan - and their partners are one meat eater (but hates lamb and pork,) and one vegetarian, (so FOUR types of food preferences,) then and me and DH with ours, it's a clucking nightmare. So when they all come round, I just order takeout to be honest. When you factor in all the different types of food, and preferences, and chopping, peeling, and baking, and cooking for 6 people with differing food tastes, and the time it takes, and all the gas and electricity used, it doesn't cost much more for a takeout for 6.

I have catered for all 4 of them - 2 DC and their partners a number of times before, like maybe a dozen or so, but tbh it got to be such a pain in the arse, and so much hard work, and stress, that I just stopped. Getting takeout is so much easier, and as I said, not any more expensive. Plus, I can count on the fingers on one hand, the amount of times they have cooked for us. In ten years!

But yeah tl;dr, I won't cater for people who won't eat/don't eat pretty much the same as us. I did when the DC lived at home (their vegetarian/veganism started 3-4 years before they left for uni, and continued on while they were there, so I did it for 7-8 years,) but I won't do it now. Seriously CBA.

Seriously, the old internet meme still holds up so well. 'When I was a child, you had 2 choices at mealtimes. EAT, or STARVE.'

I was about to reply saying that it’s ridiculous that people make 2 meals and feed kids different foods, but then remembered that during the week, we always cooked separate meals due to bed times etc till about 8 years old. Weekends and holidays were normally all the same food, though if they didn’t eat it, there wasn’t any other options for food.

I think buffet style is meant as putting food into serving bowls / saucepan.

Like pasta in a different bowl to the Bolongese sauce, cheese to help yourself as well as some bread or salad.

This way children can just choose to eat pasta & sauce or as my DS did for a while just sauce and cheese.
The key is let them choose and don't try to influence their choices with the food available on the table.

I also see a common consensus that around the age og 2.5 - 3 children become "fussy". It's aso an age when they become more self aware. I think it's about controlling their environment, being heard, and taken seriously as a person. There may also be some important physiological developments within their nervous system (not sure just a gess, hopefully some with more knowledge in child development can enlighten me)

@Skykidsspy

Congratulations on your superior parenting.

You were rude. The OP was asking a valid question, and one I've always been curious about too. The OP did not suggest superiority

If she eats everything (babies always do) then why are you hiding veg 🤔

I thought this way pre kids. My first was an amazing eater, would eat anything and everything. Until he became a toddler.

For me I find it less stressful to make two meals than I do to force him to try to eat something he doesn’t want to eat. It will be a usually variation on what we have so not completely different meal and ingredients.

I wouldn’t go to Tesco to get him something if we were going for a roast dinner though, he does eat a roast so partly because of that but also if we are going out for dinner I’d make sure there was something on the menu he would eat. I used to be snobby about beige kids food menus but honestly if he’s happy eating something then we can enjoy a nice meal out too. And I’d rather spend money on beige food he will eat than non beige food he licks and leaves on his plate.

With a toddler and a baby for me food is just one of those things that’s not worth the battle, anything for an easy life.

My sister was so fussy until she reached her 20s and now is far more adventurous than me with food.

By the way babies can eat steak before they have teeth!

Sudden flashback to my son as a toddler wanting toast, but as soon as I tried to put the bread in the toaster he screamed "no toaster" and then I tried to offer him the bread untoasted and he screamed "want toast". This went on for a LONG while!

@elm26 Mine would eat anything until he turned two sadly. Then most of the things he previously liked he started to refuse 😓I really hope yours stays eating everything you give them though!

Should add my second also eats anything (10 months old) but this time I’m not foolish enough to expect it to always be this way…obviously hope it will be and will continue to give him what we eat but this time around I know that babies are a different kettle of fish to toddlers!

I suspect our DC wasn’t ever going to be fussy. He was really into food from day one. Being very prem we started cautiously because 6 months was before he was 6 months adjusted age. I know milk is still main food before one but we found the transition to food made a tremendous difference to his developmental trajectory. Most of what he ate until 9 months was veg.

I could never get my head round the weird combos in so many baby book recipes. Things we just wouldn’t eat together but expect our kids to. When it came to the baby led finger feeding times, I never presented afters/fruit as the same course as mains. Nobody told me to do this, it just felt right.

However, I think if you have a fussy child it’s mostly not down to anything you’ve done. Expectation of separate meals or bland food is the area you can control a bit by not starting down this road unless you need to. If they are still fussy, then you have a fussy one and I think my approach is give them something at same time as you and make it as like what you are having as you can.

Growing up my siblings and I would mainly eat the same as our parents, there were too many of us for my parents to make separate meals. The exception being that foods like salmon fillets, steak and chicken breast (expensive cuts) were reserved only for our parents to eat only. I grew up in poverty though. My littles will eat the same as us, although DD detests when I make paella.

We do both. They mostly eat what we do. However they're not keen on curry for example. So when I do a spag bol or similar i freeze and they have that when we eat something they're not keen on.

They also don't like paella, so they can have nuggets / fish or what other beige food they want.

I assume people aren't seriously sending their small children to bed hungry because they don't like an adult meal?

I don't eat food I don't like at home and I am not sure why my kid should: she is always polite at other people's houses when we go there. I always encourage my kid and praise her for trying new foods, but I want her to have a meal, not go to bed hungry. If that means trying a bite of lasagne and then giving her a bowl of cereal or a sandwich and some fruit and veg I know she'll eat, that's fine.

I need to start doing this more actually. I do it with things like chilli, fajita wraps, tacos etc, but hadn’t thought to with meals like curry or pasta dishes. They always love it and normally end up putting a bit of everything on their plate, even if it’s something they would normally not want!

Oh weaning my 3 boys was wonderful. Did baby led weaning with them all and they ate what we ate. Curries, fajitas, stews, stir fry, all the fruit and veg! Then they got fussy. Still always given what we were having but started having to include some plain, safe foods so that they would actually eat something. They would literally rather go hungry. It was the absolute bane of my life and I got it wrong more than I got it right, but they now all have a diagnosis of autism and exist solely on alllll the beige foods (with the exception of my middle son who eats everything under the sun at school but eats the same 2 meals on rotation at home). I've accepted it. We don't eat out much due to severe allergies among them but I'm glad for the nuggets and chips that take pride of place on most menus. They're eating and they're happy, I don't need the approval of others for that.

"So you want honey toast? Honey on toast?"

"Bread."

"Okay so just bread with honey on - with butter?"

"No, honey toast."

"Toasted bread with honey."

"Not toasted."

Jesus Christ. That's before the battle over is it cut into triangles or squares, or if he wants to drizzle the honey on himself.

@CarterBeatsTheDevil With preschoolers though, how do they know they don't like it if they just totally refuse to try it?

My son is SLOWLLLLYYYY coming out of his food refusal phase now and last weekend decided to try some of his soup (served alongside his usual lunch) and immediately declared that he loved it. It was just boring tomato soup but even a few weeks ago he would have turned his nose up at it. If we'd given up serving it to him and stuck with the things we knew he had a preference for he might not have made that discovery.

We do always try and have at least one item on the plate that we know he will always eat e.g a naan bread, garlic bread.

I agree, and it's a way for kids to feel in control of something, and many parents seem almost afraid to disagree with or upset their children. They negotiate. They plead and bribe. I think in many other cultures parents call the shots and that's why there is a difference, not just about eating but other things too.

No because if they aren’t keen on something they can fill up on sides salad/ veg/ potatoes/ garlic bread/ naan/ pasta. Default pudding is natural yoghurt with a drizzle of honey and fruit. There’s always plenty of food. That said I wouldn’t get up and make them an alternative during a meal.

I know, it's ridiculous. Apart from being careful with salt, there is no reason at all that kids can't eat everything adults eat. I hate all the baby and child branded stuff in the shops, it's all ultra processed and full of sugar.

My son was pretty fussy as a baby, infant and primary child.
I always put out the same plate as me and he just ate the bits from it he wanted.

He wouldn't eat toast! He wouldn't touch it between the ages of 1 and 12. I still always put it a little on his breakfast plate.
I couldn't understand as toast is the food of the gods and I thought ALL children loved golden toast with butter and jam.

Now, at 14 he eats anything and everything. He loves toast as of 6 months ago!

Now he eats the same as me, and more -like fish skin (eww!).

Still can't get him to eat avocado though.

Don't forget - our taste buds change as we develop and children are predisposed to seek out sweeter flavours for energy and growth. This can mean they crave different foods to us.

The thing that always bothers me (my siblings do this) is speak for their kids
'oh so and so won't eat that, doesn't like this, etc'.
Just cause they didn't like it before, doesn't mean they gonna avoid it forever.
I do think some parents perpetuate this non-liking of certain foods with their children. Then their child really thinks they mustn't like it so they stop ever trying it. It's daft really. It's food!

And yes, it is very cultural. Go to any European country, and families eat together at the table and eat the same food. Same in restaurants. Just smaller portions, and of course tweaked a bit if a child really doesn't like something. And then it doesn't become a battle of wits, but just a normal meal- where parents and kids chat about the day, etc.

I was fussy as a kid as well. My parents would make me sit in front of the food for ages, sometimes try to force feed me - it didn't work. I swore I'd never do the same with my own children. I got to my late teens and started eating more things.

DD has a lot of dismantled things - stir fry for her is a pile of noodles in one corner of the plate then separate piles of raw veg, and some tinned tuna while we have prawns. But she eats it.

I am pretty certain i had a eating disorder as a child, eating disorders were not a common thing back when i was little so I was simply branded a ‘fussy eater ’ I literally ate nothing, no sweets, chocolate , crisps, junk food, healthy food just nothing my parents tried giving me everything and I just point blank refused it all.

the doctor handled this by telling me that if I didn’t eat I would have to go to hospital on my own and have a tube put up my nose going into my stomach to feed me (aged 3 through to about 11 ) I was bullied in school for being really thin and nobody really looked into why I didn’t like to eat

this in mind if my child was to refuse a food they didn’t like I would literally give them anything they wanted to ensure they have eaten something