To offer ticket to contentious friend

[Fireworkgrannyblanket]

More of a WWYD really -

I'm going with a bunch of mates to see a band in a nearby city next month and DP can't come, so l've got a spare ticket. It's an hour or so on the train to get there, and we're going to get some food beforehand - so not a quick meet-at-the-venue-few-pints-and-home-again sort of do.

My issue is this - l've a friend who likes the band and would come if l offered her the ticket but who wouldn't gel with the rest of the people going. I've known her since we were kids and she's very good hearted but a bit Daily Mail in some of her opinions and the rest of the group are from my uni and far more woke. I don't want to spend the evening arguing but l feel bad not inviting her as l now have a spare ticket! I'm going round and round in my head over this so be brutal and help me!

It’s hard not to love that you see a Daily Mail reader and her aggressively dimwitted views of poverty and MH issue as key to the ‘intellectual integrity’ of the country.

You can't impose someone on a group who you know will offend them.

No, not the mail reader per se but accepting differences is key to a tolerant society.

Maybe it’s my age, but I have friends of all political persuasions, none are aggressive, rigid or rude. I wouldn’t socialise at all with them if they were.

Our dinner table discussions are good natured, light and interesting.
Am I the only one left that doesn’t have a need to set up a safe space/moderator for a simple drink with mixed friends 😳 sometimes it feels like we live in a parallel universe. This wouldn’t even occur to me to preempt this situation, but then all of my friends are civil 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ahh yes, the usual people who go:

'Very intolerant of you to not want hear different opinions'
'You can't have a good natured debate any more"
Have turned up on this thread.

The only time I've ever seen a good natured debate get derailed was because of the right winger getting agitated and either raising their voice or going in a huff saying 'ugh, can't say anything any more' OR the major one - someone going 'okay, interesting that you think that, so how does that match up with evidence A B and C that proves that isnt true' or 'interesting, what's your evidence for that opinion' and the person not being able to reference ANY or again, gets angry and defensive when someone VERY politely goes 'but xxx research has shown...'

If I've witnessed 10 debates between 'right and left' 9 times out of 10 the right winger gets upset at being asked what evidence they have used to base their opinions on. How is it a debate if you're just pulling an opinion out of your ass with no knowledge or research to back it up?!?

I'm sure others have different experiences - but that's just mine.

In real life I enjoy great discussions - different views and all with humour. Do you socialise offline? I find people generally are very measured on the whole. Certainly I don’t consider it when making plans or inviting friends over

But this is meant to be a fun night out catching up with old friends and watching a concert or similar together that everyone enjoys.

I know the type that OPs friend conjures up, and I'd be hugely annoyed if this relaxing social event turned into the equivalent of BBC question time due to some random interloper. It would put me off doing anything with OP in future just in case she turned up.

You know her, OP. It sounds from your description like she will, but is she going to rub everyone up the wrong way and spoil the evening for them? If so, then obviously don't invite her. You don't need to feel bad, she doesn't even know that you have a spare ticket and she'll be none the wiser. If she wanted to see the band that much she could have bought her own ticket.

Tbh, if I were going out for a specific event with a group of friends, I wouldn't be overwhelmed with joy if someone I didn't know at all was invited along without any consultation anyway. I'd be particularly annoyed if it then transpired that they were someone with fundamentally different views to the rest of the group who, instead of setting that aside and enjoying the night, spent the evening forcing their opinions on us and making us defend our own positions. I like a debate in the right setting but a sociable night out to see a band isn't that occasion.

It's a done deal - the spare ticket's been sold.

I'm not trying to censor anyone.
I just don't think Old Friend would get on with UniFriends as their views on stuff differ fairly dramatically and l don't want to spend the meal waiting for things to kick off as both she and they are quite outspoken once they've had a few drinks.

She's not a knuckle-dragger - l wish l hadn't mentioned the Daily Mail now! She's had a hard life with lots of setbacks and has come through with courage and determination and sheer hard work. She's full of compassion for people but she sees everyone's life through the prism of her own so she feels that if she coped and didn't ask for special treatment they shouldn't need to either. It's a view that lots of posters on here echo.

I'm curious now though - do people really bung all their mates together and expect that they get on? I have lots of different groups and l'm a slightly different version of myself with all of them, so l wouldn't expect them to mix comfortably or have much in common. Don't other people do this too? I'm feeling a bit paranoid now!

How old are you op?

I think it's good to have a diverse friend based. Especially if you know they are a good person who would have your back. Many people seem to exist in echo chambers.

@Newchapterbeckons Very! Old enough that l've amassed a lot of different friends from different activities - country dancing/shouty metal gigs/woodwork classes/uni/old mates from home/dark ages re-enactment/book club/work peeps ... They don't have much in common

Who would have your back unless you needed time off work for stress/anxiety? Who would have your back unless you couldn't afford to buy a house (because clearly you're blowing your money on expensive coffees)?

Your beliefs are who you are. If the DM expresses and represents those beliefs, you are the reverse of a good person.

To answer your question, yes, I do. I live in a small town/large village and you have to learn to deal with people. I have people I count as friends all the way from people who left school at 16 to bods with doctorates, and from serious left-wingers to ones I know vote Tory. Academic scientists and alternative hippy types. Under 10s and over 80s. Fling em all together for a party and everyone has a great night.

I've recently joined a local club. It didn't occur to me worry who I'd be mixing with. So long as they're not preachy and dictatorial, I like having friends who challenge my views, come from different generations, have expertise where I am ignorant, and so on.

And you can’t have a party and invite them?! You need to keep them in their pigeon holes unless they peck each others eyes out! I find that bizarre. Yes!! How can you live like this, when it’s hand bags at dawn about avocados and climate change 😄
My friends, all of them, are fully expected to be grown ups! I wouldn’t stand for shouty silliness, and quite frankly the whole point of gigs and get togethers is surely to have fun. I couldn’t deal with the level of intensity you describe, nor would I like friends that were so judgemental that they couldn’t even be trusted to be welcoming of one of my childhood friends. Not a good look.

You need new (grown up) friends op!

Forget the Daily Mail reference!

I used it as shorthand for a particular type of single perspective, self-sufficient, small 'c' conservatism that l have trouble describing another way. Salt of the earth? No-nonsense common sense? Not arty-farty or airy-fairy? That sort of thing, anyhow. I don't read the DM so l don't actually know what's in it!

Is that really true?

Anyone that reads the daily Mail, mainly older people, I imagine are ALL the opposite of good?? That is a perfect illustration of entrenched biased thinking. Do you not seek to challenge such blinkered assumptions?

Also, friends would be great at a party - they have been!

I was having doubts about introducing one woman with strong views into a pre-arranged get together with a largish group who didn't know her or agree with what she thought. It wouldn't have been enjoyable for her, them or me so l decided not to.

That's all really!

I think you have been very unkind about your friend, and treated her poorly. You are coming across as superior and judgemental.

Your uni friends do not sound very nice or woke. My uni friends were amongst the most open minded, intelligent and inclusive of all my circles - I am sorry this isn’t your experience, and you are being hemmed in by their ignorance and bias. I hope it doesn’t cost you a life friend.

I hate it when my friends try to mix groups and force fucking randoms on me. I think you've done the right thing by selling the ticket

I love the way the Daily Mail reference is being used as shorthand for a certain type of person and it turns out OP has never actually read it .
Glad you sold the ticket OP, think you did the right thing.

Let me be very clear. The OP has said that her friend 'doesn't believe in' people requiring time off work for stress and anxiety, and that she thinks that 'people could buy their own houses if they stopped drinking coffee'. Both things suggest she's blinkered, unimaginative, and conservative.

You sound fun 🕺

You were clear before. Anyone that reads the mail is BAD, unimaginative and blinkered. Oh the irony of your posts!

"You sound fun 🕺"

What's wrong with knowing who you like and not wanting to hang around with people you don't?! You sound a bit hard of thinking.