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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lack of respect from DD and partner?

102 replies

Grumpynan · 27/02/2024 03:51

I’ve been mulling this over since Saturday, and have decided to ask other mums their opinion, am I being over sensitive/a prude?

so I live at the moment with just my young adult DD and DH. DH away for a few days so just the 2 of us. Saturday she asks if I mind her partner staying over, they are planning to go out for dinner then on to the local wine bar and don’t want him driving after. I’m happy with this, they’ve been together a while and he has stayed over quite a few times.

fast forward 10.30 pm. I’m in bed reading, they come home, nice meal but wine bar packed decided film and hot chocolate instead is that ok. Of course, I tell my DD there’s a bottle of white wine in the fridge and a box of chocolate left from Christmas.

few hours later I must have dozed off, but I’m woken up by a noise. It’s soon very clear they are having very load, very long sex. Now I know they are adults I know they have a healthy sex life, but ! I’m sure my sons had sex at home before they moved out, I’m sure DD has had sex in her room before. I know I did when I lived with my parents. But I have never had it confirmed before ! I just assumed as healthy adults it happens. But this was loud.

eventually it stops I go to sleep. In the morning I go in the kitchen and find not only had they drunk the white wine (fine) but also a very very nice bottle of red which my DB had given me to drink on my birthday ( another story o won’t bore you with ) my DD knows this wine is special, and knows I’m saving it for my birthday. They had also emptied a bottle of DH best brandy, if here he would probably have said they could have a nip, but they had finished it.

I went to take the dog for a walk, got home to a note, they had gone out for the day DD would be back late that night. Again fine

but when she came home late Sunday we discussed the weekend and she said she had a good time. I asked about the wine, ignored the sex 🥹, she said they were having a good time and she would buy another, very dismissive, I said it was very expensive and special gift, apparently I was overreacting.

last night she made a point of saying she had replaced my precious wine, yes red, but no where near what my DB had given me

she’s not normally like this, she’s normally a lovely person.

so am I being over sensitive and a prude

or is she being inconsiderate

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 27/02/2024 04:21

She may not have realised about the sex and you haven’t spoken to her about that, so I wouldn’t judge her on that basis. The wine is very poor form, especially as you’d spoken to her about it. I would return the bottle she bought to her and tell her how much she owes for the wine and brandy. If she isn’t normally like this, don’t make a big deal of it, just be clear that she hasn’t put things right and she needs to.

Sallyh87 · 27/02/2024 04:29

If they each had a bottle of wine and half a bottle of brandy, I don’t think she realises how loud they were being!

Just ask her to replace like for like with both. It’s probably not that big a deal in the scheme of things.

Meadowfinch · 27/02/2024 04:32

Yes, return the cheap wine she has bought and ask her for the money to replace the wine and brandy. Perhaps a bill for £60 will get through to her.
If she's not normally like that, it sounds like her bf was taking advantage of your hospitality. I'd remove any spirits next time he stays.
I would also explain that the walls of the house aren't made of stone and they woke you up. Perhaps they could keep the noise down next time. No need to mention sex, she'll work it out.🙂

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/02/2024 05:34

I doubt she realises and the sex and will be mortified if she knew so will give her the benefit of the doubt there.

the wine is bad so you should definitely make her replace that and the brandy with the same bottle and tell her she should ask in future. She was probably caught in the moment and didn’t realise the price but she needs to learn for next time.

honestguvnor · 27/02/2024 05:56

I would explain how much the wine and brandy cost to replace and ask her not to take your things in the future.

The sex is awful it's happened to me too and I sympathise. I'd have got up and made some noise so they heard me. They probably didn't think you were awake.

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 06:00

I would ask her to return the wine, and give you the money to replace the same bottle and the brandy. It is disrespectful to drink so much and have loud sex when you are nearby.

If this was my dd I would also be asking why she uncharacteristically drank so much too. If she was happy in her relationship. A bigger conversation is needed. How old is she?

Maybe time to move out?
I wouldn’t rush to agree them staying over again…..tbh

HiCandles · 27/02/2024 06:12

I think the first error was in telling her about the bottle of white wine and chocolate. Perhaps you should have said 'I think the off licence closes at 10 so you'll still manage to nip and get a bottle'. It seems there are blurred lines about who contributes what as you obviously had no problem with her consuming some of the things you'd bought. Does she pay rent or bills? Maybe time for a discussion about who buys what.

Ohhbaby · 27/02/2024 06:13

Uhmm I'm not so sure about people saying she won't know how loud she's been. My dh and I (still young, in our early 20s) regularly stay over at our parents or inlaws. We live far so generally stay over when we visit. But we are always conscious of not bothering others when having sex. Surely you know sex can be loud and you shut up accordingly if you're not in your own home?
We've had multiple family holidays or Christmases or new years where everyone drinks and never once have anyone heard other couples have sex. It's inconsiderate.

Tiggermom · 27/02/2024 06:17

They must have been totally oissed - 2 bottles of wine and brandy??

amberedover1 · 27/02/2024 06:21

My biggest concern would be the amount drunk. I imagine the daughter was massively hung over and mortified and trying to brazen it out.
Likely she didn't realise true cost of wine .

Doingmybest12 · 27/02/2024 06:27

You aren't being sensitive or a prude but equally if generally life us good at home with your daughter I'd just move on after the initial comments about the wine etc. Is she 34 and needs her own place or 19 and a bit oblivious and thoughtless on this occasion.

W0tnow · 27/02/2024 06:29

Hugely disrespectful and I’d be asking for like for like replacement!

Bubblybooboo · 27/02/2024 06:34

YANBU- she took what she knew was a special bottle of wine for you. If she hasn’t replaced it correctly I’d send her a link to the actual wine and suggest she purchase something that is similar.

I do think that when adult children are at home, some can have a tendency to act in more childish ways they they ever would in any other situation. I hace A fee friend with perfectly nice adult children who seem to act rude/childish at times with their parents in a way they wouldn’t with anyone else. I think that’s why space is needed for people to properly grow up sometimes.

Personally I’d ignore the sex noise until it happened again. Bit awkward but maybe the didn’t realise anyone else would be awake.

Dweetfidilove · 27/02/2024 06:37

So much disrespect all round. You don’t get pissed and have a loud shagathon in your parents’ home. I think I’d have to disturb them.

And the drinks and the attitude- nope. She should replace them properly.

What happens when he returns tonight, if they get drunk again? You haven’t mentioned the noise, so there’s a possibility that may be repeated.

Fabulousfeb · 27/02/2024 06:39

How old is she? Does she understand proper wine, op it's not ideal but she's young, she has a bf, you said she's normally considerate.

She has replaced the wine. Havant you ever got drunk and drunk too much?
I'd let it go.

Tbh I thought you were going to say you came down with carnage

Fabulousfeb · 27/02/2024 06:40

Omg some replies!!

They are young presumably with no space of their own. The shag was 😫 but they had two bottles of booze and brandy!
Cut them some slack.

cuckyplunt · 27/02/2024 06:45

I’d bloody tell her that I didn’t need to hear her shagging half the night too. Ask her how she’d feel if she heard you doing it. Google how much the wine was and ask her straight out for the money.

JCLV · 27/02/2024 08:06

Next time she asks if her partner can stay I would say ‘I don’t think so. You took advantage with the wine and were a bit noisy last time and I like a good night’s sleep’. Actions have consequences.

BeakyBlinders · 27/02/2024 08:12

She needs to replace the exact same brand, the rest you're being a prude

Couldyounot · 27/02/2024 08:13

Noisy shagging and lifting my booze without asking would grate pretty harshly here too. NBU to have a serious word

Finlesswonder · 27/02/2024 08:17

This is why grown ass adults shouldn't be living at home

fourelementary · 27/02/2024 08:20

Link to the red wine and tel her that’s why you were saving it as it’s expensive and should be savoured not downed in an hour. Same for the brandy.

I am more concerned that if they were as drinking so much then going out early- isnt there a chance whoever was driving would have still been over the limit?

OnPurpose01 · 27/02/2024 08:30

Yes it’s all disrespectful. I would definitely have a word about the booze and the loud shagging. I don’t believe they weren’t aware, they just didn’t care. I wouldn’t expect them to pay the exact amount to replace what they drank but if they did it again I wouldn’t let them stay over again and I’d have a conversation about it being time to move out.

WimpoleHat · 27/02/2024 08:47

she’s not normally like this, she’s normally a lovely person.

Is he normally like this? Is he a lovely person?

Your story reminds me of the time my cousin brought a new boyfriend (they were in their 40s) to stay the night before a family party. They came. We had a bottle of fizz. We went to the pub for dinner and had lots of wine. Got home and was asked if we had any gin or vodka. DH and I had bowed out long before, but fine - we did - no problem. But when I got up in the morning and found three quarters of a bottle of wine gone out of one of the bottles that we’d got for the next day’s party, I clocked that one or both of them most definitely had a problem with alcohol. (Didn’t begrudge the wine and, unlike in your case, it certainly wasn’t special. But it was a) a bit rude, b) excessive and c) not at all like my cousin.). And - sure enough - about six months later, my aunt told me that they’d split up. “He was a drinker, you see….” If this is really out of character for your DD, I would keep an eye on the boyfriend…..

Queenconsult · 27/02/2024 08:52

Eh I’d make sure she knew how much the nice wine was and brandy and ask for a like for like replacement then move on.

It happens

I vividly remember my absolute embarrassment the first time I stayed over at DHs parents house, we were told we could help ourselves to the wine, I just grabbed a bottle (it was set aside but I thought nothing of it) and had some to drink. Turns out it was the special bottle of wine purchased the year DHs brother was born and due to be gifted to him at his 18th - never lived that down

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