Lack of respect from DD and partner?

[Grumpynan]

I’ve been mulling this over since Saturday, and have decided to ask other mums their opinion, am I being over sensitive/a prude?

so I live at the moment with just my young adult DD and DH. DH away for a few days so just the 2 of us. Saturday she asks if I mind her partner staying over, they are planning to go out for dinner then on to the local wine bar and don’t want him driving after. I’m happy with this, they’ve been together a while and he has stayed over quite a few times.

fast forward 10.30 pm. I’m in bed reading, they come home, nice meal but wine bar packed decided film and hot chocolate instead is that ok. Of course, I tell my DD there’s a bottle of white wine in the fridge and a box of chocolate left from Christmas.

few hours later I must have dozed off, but I’m woken up by a noise. It’s soon very clear they are having very load, very long sex. Now I know they are adults I know they have a healthy sex life, but ! I’m sure my sons had sex at home before they moved out, I’m sure DD has had sex in her room before. I know I did when I lived with my parents. But I have never had it confirmed before ! I just assumed as healthy adults it happens. But this was loud.

eventually it stops I go to sleep. In the morning I go in the kitchen and find not only had they drunk the white wine (fine) but also a very very nice bottle of red which my DB had given me to drink on my birthday ( another story o won’t bore you with ) my DD knows this wine is special, and knows I’m saving it for my birthday. They had also emptied a bottle of DH best brandy, if here he would probably have said they could have a nip, but they had finished it.

I went to take the dog for a walk, got home to a note, they had gone out for the day DD would be back late that night. Again fine

but when she came home late Sunday we discussed the weekend and she said she had a good time. I asked about the wine, ignored the sex 🥹, she said they were having a good time and she would buy another, very dismissive, I said it was very expensive and special gift, apparently I was overreacting.

last night she made a point of saying she had replaced my precious wine, yes red, but no where near what my DB had given me

she’s not normally like this, she’s normally a lovely person.

so am I being over sensitive and a prude

or is she being inconsiderate

Why would she have a savings account for an adult in her 20’s?

Oh sorry @Tessasanderson just seen she’s saving the rent.
Well yes, take the money to replace the wine then.

Don’t take it out of her savings, she doesn’t even know there IS a savings account.

Show her the links to both bottles and tell her to order replacements now.

Text her the photo of the wine and tell her this is what she drank and she needs to repurchase the same wine.

Do not let her away with this.

See, you have a right to be upset. I understand the present is tainted now. Do you think your DH could point that out? I wouldn't let it go.

Do you think the excess drinking was driven by the BF?

What's the point?

It's not letting her know that she's upset her mum and that she hasn't made it right.

She's 25 not 15

I'd be bloody raging on each count

It is expensive for wine but not unaffordable I would absolutely make her replace it as she has been so unapologetic when replacing with the cheap stuff.

There are ways of doing things and she hasn't helped herself.

I'm sure if she woke up in the morning and said "Mum, sorry we drink all the wine and we're probably a little too loud last night so I want to apologise and I'll replace the wine", then this wouldn't be an issue. Instead no apology and references to precious wine.

Speak to her about the need for mutual respect while living under the same roof or start having really loud enthusiastic sex yourself and that will see her relocate shortly.

No way would I let her off with the wine. Send her the link, tell her you're disappointed that she can't understand why it was special. I'd be fucking livid about it.

Absolutely! She’s an adult, fuck all this pussyfooting around! I’d be sending her the link and demanding a replacement. AND I’d be clearly letting her know how disappointed you are in the way she’s treated you.

OP, if there are no consequences to her selfishness how will she learn to be more considerate? She needs to replace both like for like. If it's too much for her then she should ask the boyfriend. I also wouldn't allow him to stay next time she asks and would tell her why. She's an adult, she needs to be a considerate housemate.

When they are little, we teach them how to behave. She needs some more work on it.

Send her this link and ask her to replace it.

i’ll let the matter drop with her now and assume she got carried away with the occasion and wasn’t thinking, I’m just upset and feel it wouldn’t hurt to have that acknowledged

Why? How do you think it helps your DD or your relationship with her to not be honest about this? This is something she could easily put right. £45 is a fair amount of money for a bottle of wine, but it’s not at all beyond a young person with a job paying a low rent to live at home.

What’s the point in being upset enough to post on a forum but not prepared to advocate for yourself or your DH in one of the most important relationships in your life? How do you think young people develop a sense of value for the people around them? You have to point it out. It shouldn’t be shouty or aggressive, but it still needs doing.

Don't just let it go, you're not helping her by doing that. Get her to give you the money for a new bottle or replace it with the same one. She needs to learn to manage these kind of situations, if you usually get on OK maybe she's embarrassed and so being abrupt about it all. Help her learn how to handle these kind of things better.

This is terrible 😞 Helping themselves to your booze followed by the loud sex … you’re way more restrained than me OP. My DDs are young teenagers but I already know that they won’t be having bf’s sleepover at our house when they’re older - mostly because of what you describe! They’ll need to literally get a room … but not one in my house!

Ah come on!

There's a middle ground, surely?

Yes, they have a house, their health etc but her daughter has been disrespectful and it's fine to point that out.

@Yolo12345

yeah op has her own home, health etc she should just let her daughter drink all her wine! I mean maybe you could hand over to her all your clothes and jewellery op, just be grateful , it’s no big deal!

no.

that’s invalidating and dismissive. It has bothered op , rightfully so. She has a right to express her feelings and to have an expectation that her daughter will put it right.

You're an idiot if you let it drop - that just tells them that their behaviour was acceptable in that evening - drinking your 60th birthday present and brandy then fkin loudly for all to hear in your house without a care in the world was absolutely peachy; and next time they can act even worse really because theres no boundary been breached.

Its exactly this type of stuff that enables people to walk all over you and treat you with a lack of respect in your own home - because YOUR ACTIONS (i'll drop it) are telling them they haven't crossed a line, their actions were acceptable to you.

I think you should definitely raise both the loud sex and the special wine bottle with your DD. It doesn’t do our loved ones a favour if we let things go all the time.

In our early 20s we are still learning how to act as adults and if we aren’t lovingly pulled up on thoughtless behaviour then we may end up putting people’s backs up or hurting them for years completely unaware. Help your DD learn to have more consideration for those around her by telling her how this made you feel.

I would be furious and I would not want her living with me anymore. Totally disrespectful and I wouldn’t be able to relax in my own home with my dd having loud sex 😳 Sounds like they got drunk and didn’t realise how loud they were being.

My dd is in her last year of university and she knows she not allowed to have people stay over. I like my own space, I have chronic health issues and need a restful atmosphere. If she wants to have boyfriends etc she can either move out or stay there. Doesn’t make me any less of a good parent or whatever. Boundaries are good for everyone.

Yes she has been very inconsiderate and she really needs to replace your expensive wine and the brandy. Otherwise, you are sending a very clear message that she does not have to respect you or consider your feelings. It is one think to make a drunken mistake, but she should have apologised sincerely and put things right. You sound like a lovely mum and you have every right to feel hurt and disrespected by her actions and to expect better from her. She is not a teenager any more, she is well into her 20's and old enough to realise that actions have consequences.This will be a valuable life lesson going forward.
(I probably wouldn't mention the loud sex issue unless it becomes a regular thing.)

I would return the bottle of red plonk she got you and tell her to get exactly (down to vintage) the same bottle that was for your present.

She's not a child, she is already getting a good deal living with you. Does her small rent even cover the cost of her food, utilities and the odd bottle of white wine?

Make her buy a new bottle that matches your gift and a bottle of brandy for your husband. If she doesnt like that she can move back out again.

It’s a pricey bottle of wine, but not so prohibitively expensive that asking her to replace it would put her into financial difficulty. She should replace the wine properly.