Lack of respect from DD and partner?

[Grumpynan]

I’ve been mulling this over since Saturday, and have decided to ask other mums their opinion, am I being over sensitive/a prude?

so I live at the moment with just my young adult DD and DH. DH away for a few days so just the 2 of us. Saturday she asks if I mind her partner staying over, they are planning to go out for dinner then on to the local wine bar and don’t want him driving after. I’m happy with this, they’ve been together a while and he has stayed over quite a few times.

fast forward 10.30 pm. I’m in bed reading, they come home, nice meal but wine bar packed decided film and hot chocolate instead is that ok. Of course, I tell my DD there’s a bottle of white wine in the fridge and a box of chocolate left from Christmas.

few hours later I must have dozed off, but I’m woken up by a noise. It’s soon very clear they are having very load, very long sex. Now I know they are adults I know they have a healthy sex life, but ! I’m sure my sons had sex at home before they moved out, I’m sure DD has had sex in her room before. I know I did when I lived with my parents. But I have never had it confirmed before ! I just assumed as healthy adults it happens. But this was loud.

eventually it stops I go to sleep. In the morning I go in the kitchen and find not only had they drunk the white wine (fine) but also a very very nice bottle of red which my DB had given me to drink on my birthday ( another story o won’t bore you with ) my DD knows this wine is special, and knows I’m saving it for my birthday. They had also emptied a bottle of DH best brandy, if here he would probably have said they could have a nip, but they had finished it.

I went to take the dog for a walk, got home to a note, they had gone out for the day DD would be back late that night. Again fine

but when she came home late Sunday we discussed the weekend and she said she had a good time. I asked about the wine, ignored the sex 🥹, she said they were having a good time and she would buy another, very dismissive, I said it was very expensive and special gift, apparently I was overreacting.

last night she made a point of saying she had replaced my precious wine, yes red, but no where near what my DB had given me

she’s not normally like this, she’s normally a lovely person.

so am I being over sensitive and a prude

or is she being inconsiderate

@Queenconsult

and?

You literally asked if that makes you a bad mother

you aren’t a mother, it’s a weird thing to say

@Queenconsult

i might be in the future.

and more to the point - also it was more of a hypothetical question- would i or indeed anyone else be a bad mother to make their daughter replace like for like in that situation.

hope that’s ok with you!

Next time you see her gently explain that whilst you appreciate her replacing your wine, it really should be like for like, same with the brandy. Also if they decide to have sex that sounded like a porn film to get a hotel room to stay in. Say how impressed you were with how long it lasted and call the boyfriend Big Boy next time you see him. I promise they will never stay over again and she may even more out, problem solved.

I highly doubt if you do ever become a mother you’ll still value nice wine as highly in your priority list.

This is why your comment is a bit weird

I wouldn’t be gentle. I’d say it’s absolutely not on that you took an expensive gift and replaced it with cheap plonk. You owe me £££ and an apology.

@Queenconsult

lol why?! Lots of mothers still value highly nice things for themselves such as nice wine. You don’t have to become a martyr and only care about nappies and schools and weaning when you become a mum you know!

@Queenconsult

also the amount of women on here who are presumably mothers who agree with me and think that OP’s daughter should replace the wine like for like suggests that you are wrong and that GASP! Mothers do value things for themselves such as wine! Who’d have thought eh?!

They agree the wine should be replaced on principle. To teach a lesson

not because the wine is important

I find drinking the gift wine by far the weirdest thing - not because it's "nice wine", but because it was a gift from someone else specifically to you that you had earmarked for a specific occasion, and she knew that. She should not have touched it, and if the bf opened it by mistake not realizing what it was, she should have either replaced it with an identical bottle before you noticed, or told you and then replaced it as quickly as possible. That's just basic manners and consideration.

The sex was likely unplanned and they probably weren't even thinking about someone else in the house, or they assumed you were asleep and wouldn't hear. It think it's reasonable for them to assume it's OK to have sex in the house, but if the noise is an issue I'd mention that. The brandy might be understandable - she probably thought, like you, that her dad wouldn't mind if they had a little, and then they drank too much - but if they finished it she should offer to replace it too.

I need to know what was this wine?

@Queenconsult

of course the wine was important! It was a present to her from her brother, it was expensive and presumably tastes really good and op enjoys it.

of course it’s important.

im not sure why you’re saying otherwise.

I must admit I didn’t realise how expensive this one was, but it was for my 60th

Don't be a martyr.

It was your 60th birthday present which she drank and replaced with a cheap bottle of plonk. Send her the link and tell her it's this one. Don't just drop it.

I wouldn't just let that go. I'd sit down with her and tell her that her stealing your special birthday present has hurt your feelings, but that what hurts most is her not seeming to care or to be sorry for it. That's so totally unreasonable of her.

This. Maker her get the same one.

I think you need to spell it out both to your daughter and to her partner just have much ( cost wise ) their Saturday night drinks cost ( both the wine and the brandy).

and make them both aware that if it happens again it needs replacing as like for like. Your daughter wasn’t the only one involved in the incident and shouldn’t take all the flack for the consequences.

Flipping heck. Sod the 'gently ask her to replace it...' I'd be shouting the house down! How DARE they open a bottle that she KNEW was special and a present! It's the implicit 'oh, it's only something for mum, she doesn't matter' that really gets my goat in this. And DD wasn't even apologetic!

I'm not sure she's as nice as she pretends to be, OP. In vino veritas and all that.

@1983Louise

I don’t see why op has to “gently explain”!

Just tell it to her like it is!

i’ll let the matter drop with her now and assume she got carried away with the occasion and wasn’t thinking, I’m just upset and feel it wouldn’t hurt to have that acknowledged

Don't let it drop, or it will happen again. Tell her she mustn't take things that don't belong to her and to stop the loud sex. And that if ut happens again then boyfriend can't come over again.

Agreed.

Send her the link for this and the brandy for her to replace.

Show her the label on the wine they drank and say THIS ONE, so she is in no doubt which to buy. Also suggest a new bottle of THE SAME brandy.

The sex you could just say you didn't sleep well there was a lot of noise keeping you awake.

Personally i would leave it at that with her for now. As long as it doesnt happen again then everyone can act a bit selfish once in a while.

Then i would go to her savings account you have for her and treat yourself to the exact bottle of wine she drank regardless of cost. Then i would point out to her that this one is not to be touched under any circumstances.

You get what is rightfully yours. Your daughter knows she took your expensive wine but without realising she has paid for it...

Oh and treat DH to a bottle of his brandy too out of her savings account